Would you try again after so many attemps?

[deepestpurple]

DH and I have been together for 14 years and we have 2 DC. Our relationship has slowly gone downhill for the past 8 years due to DH's lies and deceit.

8 years ago I walked in on DH wanking, I was shocked but downplayed it. Even asked him to come and finish off with me. Only he could not DTD once in bed with me. I spent the rest of the night in tears. We spoke about it the next evening, basically he was not so attracted to me anymore. DC1 was 9 or 10 months, maybe I wasn't what I was before DC.

5 years ago I found a massive amount of porn stored on the family pc. One picture had the head of an old flame photoshopped onto the body of a porn star in a typical pose. He knew where she worked, how to contact her, could easily have found her on fb. He denied contact, I didnt believe him. When I confronted him he looked like he would pass out.

He stopped saying he loved me many years ago, so I did too. During DC2 pregnancy he was cold and distant, we didnt have sex, his choice not mine. I thought maybe because he didnt really want another as DC I had persuaded him.

I frequently catch him out in silly pointless lies as well as the bigger ones. It got too much last year and i asked him to leave and wanted to separate. He went to his mums for 2 days, came back and talked me round with tears and promises.

A month ago I came across a rubber vagina in the loft. He seems to think it is no different to my vibrator. Except he knows about my vibe and I have been happy to share. I have never chosen a vibe over sex with him. He has frequently chosen porn/wanking/rubber fanny over me. I was shocked but this time not heartbroken. I don't love him anymore. He has let me down and hurt me so many times. He was worn away every bit of love and respect I ever had for him. We have separated but are in the same house. He wont tell his family. He has asked if we can work it out and says he does love me. To me that means more empty promises. He may change for a short time then be more careful about hiding things. He has admitted he had something of a porn addiction at one point. Do I stay in a unhappy loveless marriage?

Only you know the answer to that question really. You seem to have weighed up the pros and cons on many occasions and something must be stopping you packing him off with his jazz mags to enjoy his rubber vag on someone else's time. If you're separated why not check out what it would mean to formalise the arrangement with a divorce? Looking at the practicalities of accommodation, finances, access and so on can be quite empowering, even if you don't use the information straight away. Also... he may not have told his family but who have you told? If you can confide in someone IRL it might make everything a little less theoretical

Previously I've always thought things would change, that love & respect may grow again. I'm so tired of this cycle. Financially it would be hard but not impossible.

I have told my parents and one close friend. The futon in the living room is a giveaway. Parents have nothing to say other than that they will support my decision either way. I think he's not telling anyone in the hope that this will all just go away. He has a comfortable home life, I work pt and do almost all childcare/housework/shopping. Not implying he's lazy at all. He does his share now but wasn't so involved when DC were babies.

He has said he does loves me and wants to stay together but you just don't treat someone you love with such little respect, do you?

I don't trust him.

If he's dug himself in and isn't listening to you, it sounds like you're going to have to be the one that takes the initiative.

You're right. I know. I've been with this man all my adult life. This isn't how I imagined my family would end up.

Nope, nope and nope again

If you don't love him you don't love him.

I'd leave. I did leave. I'm alone, I'm sometimes lonely, but I know it was the right thing to do.

Based purely on your posts on here, god no. I'd rather have my teeth pulled without anaesthetic than put up with a relationship like this.

Only the young and foolish expect a relationship to be hearts and flowers all the time, but it really saddens me to see good people, who clearly have empathy and a work ethic in spades, tolerate such shoddy treatment from someone professes to care about them. A loving relationship should enrich your life and make you feel valued, not make you feel like you can't even measure up to a rubber fanny and a two-dimensional photoshopped head of an old flame.

Even if you are ok with porn it should never detract from the real sexual relationship. The lack of support through pregnancy is bad enough. Then we have the crocodile tears and false promises, the outright lies. He is a bloody awful husband.

You, OTOH sound patient, tolerant and caring. You could do an awful lot better with a man who appreciates those qualities and returns them rather than exploiting them.

Not at all keen on porn, and that photoshop job is more than just a little bit shoddy.
You clearly dont love him, so not worth trying really.

However, I am curious, how is him wanking or using a rubber vagina any different to you pleasing yourself with a vibrator?

Quint I can't speak for the OP but I think the key is this:

8 years ago I walked in on DH wanking, I was shocked but downplayed it. Even asked him to come and finish off with me. Only he could not DTD once in bed with me. I spent the rest of the night in tears. We spoke about it the next evening, basically he was not so attracted to me anymore. DC1 was 9 or 10 months, maybe I wasn't what I was before DC.

I'm only speaking anecdotally, but regardless of gender, anyone who rejects their partner in favour of sex with an inanimate object and then when dealing with the inevitable hurt feelings says it is their fault for being unattractive is a twat.

I daresay the OP would have less of an issue with the rubber vagina if he was able to make her real one feel desired.

True, you are of course right Dahlen.

QuintessentialShadows to me the difference is the fact that he kept his dirty secret in the loft. My vibe is no secret from him. I've never chosen a sex toy over DH. Wanking not an issue at all, unless again chosen over me. He has said previously said sometimes its just easier to wank. I'm honesty not that hard work in bed!

Dahlen thank you.

I've been lonely for many years now. It makes more sense to be single and lonely

Would any woman be ok with the rubber fanny? Honestly. I have a mental image of DH humping away at it. It's tiny and hairless. Is that what men want?

Hmm. The rubber fanny.

Honestly? I don't know if I can discuss it without letting my own prejudices colour my opinion. Provided it is used as a masturbatory aid, in principle it is no different at all to a vibrator I suppose. Just as vibrators come in ridiculous sizes, shapes and colours, a tiny hairless rubber vagina seems just one variation.

The trouble is that on an instinctive level it just seems really sad and cringeworthy. I can't get past that. Is that me operating double standards? Probably. I can't help how I feel about that.

I think vibrators are now mainstream. Rubber vaginas, less face it, are not. That probably has a lot to do with it.

I suppose I don't like those veiny cock dildo things either. It's that it's supposed to look like a bit of a person. I find that really weird.

No, I wouldn't be ok with it either.

Probably because like Dahlen kinda said, I would think that any bloke that used something like that was a Sad Fuck of the highest order

which is admittedly not great when you are supposedly in a sexual relationship with aforementioned Sad Fuck

Nagoo exactly the dildos that look like someone's actual knob. Yuk. Replica vagina. Yuk.

It feels like its a replacement for me yet again.

My vibe is blue, ribbed and vibrates (men don't vibrate) and it mostly sits in a drawer forgotten. I would always rather have sex with a real live man. Why doesn't he feel the same?

These things used to be quaintly entitled 'marital aids'. Whatever shape and style they happen to be, if they're not 'aiding your marriage' but being used as substitutes for affection or a healthy sex-life, then they're a problem. I think you could waste a lot more time wondering why he doesn't want to have sex with you and never get a satisfactory answer.

But what does he mean when he says he loves you? If he feels love inside himself for you, what good is it if it's all inside? He's not showing you any loving behaviour, or even basic respect or kindness. It's often said on here that love is a verb, not a noun; well, being pedantic it's both, but what you feel is only the start of it, it has to inform what you do. And he does... what? What, to be crudely utilitarian, is in it for you?

Frankly I think when he says he loves you what he means is that you are an integral part of his comfortable surroundings, like the telly or his favourite armchair. So yes, he'd miss you if you weren't there. Every time you've had enough he kind of woos you back, but he really can't be arsed to put in the spadework once you've got back into the box. That doesn't say "love" to me in any way I recognise it. "Ooh dear, it's sounding a bit rough, better give it a service" is what I do with my car, not with the people I care about.

CogitoErgoSometimes that is exactly whats happened.

Anniegetyourgun you've hit the nail on the head there. I'm comfortable and convenient for him. He will miss our relationship, it works well for him.

He has always had the best of both worlds, mon-fri he has the perks of a single life eg out two nights a week for a hobby, his social life is in the town where he works 50 miles from home. Then the weekend is back to family life. He's a good Dad but really only sees the DC at the weekend anyway.

Well that's all right then, he can carry on being a good Dad when he is no longer a rubbish husband. He'll just have the added inconvenience of looking around for a new domestic appliance wife.

Anniegetyourgun I keep reading your last post and I'm in tears. It did occur to me some time ago that I'm of no real importance to him. But its not easy to acknowledge that I've wasted so many years this way.

The DC are the only good thing to come from this marriage.

Cross post. It wouldn't surprise me if his upgrade is just waiting in the wings. I'm almost positive he did contact the old flame, of course he denies it. But honesty is not his strong point. Damage limitation is.

Oh, I'm sorry if that hurt . It was a bit brutal.