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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship is in the process of ending because of my low sex drive!!

70 replies

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 14:38

Hello all,
Been with my partner 3 year is December and have a 1.10 year old together and I'm 16 weeks pregnant with our second. We have had a very rocky relationship,
He has been very twaty in the past however we have gotten over it and tried to carry on. Although this baby was planned and were actively trying, since being pg I have totally lost my sex drive! Dp has a very high sex drive and has now said he can't carry on like this... Basically leaving me! We have tried the going to a hotel for the weekend and it was all lovely until the sex and it was awful its like I hate him when it's happening and afterwards I went in the bathroom and cried! I can have all the intentions of having sex but when it comes to It I feel awkward, stupid and definitely not in the mood! :( sorry for long post! X

OP posts:

piratecat · 11/11/2013 15:27

sounds like you can't forget whatever it was he did.

ilikeFISH · 11/11/2013 15:29

Mummabear12. I´ve been where you are. Don´t know if it is for a similar reason(s) as you and I can promise you it is totally and utterly SHIT. I also "put" up with it for a lot longer than you have.

I promise to anyone that hasn´t been there, it is truely horrible to find your self in this situation. Your behaviour alters, in my case I stopped wearing makeup because everytime I did, DH would try it on, every event for a year was ruined becuase each time DH would try it on. I was desperate for a hug/ cuddle but couldn´t ask for one as DH would take it as a come on. No kissing other than a peck on the cheek as DH said there was no point, no sitting on the same couch, I could go on and on. Occassionally ending up having sex and hating both it and myself at the same time, crying during and after. It was Horrible.

I´m not sure what your DH has done, but I can tell you that you are worth MORE than this, and yes your sex drive MAY come back IF your without him. Mine is after 4 years of not wanting a man to touch me even.

If there is anything you want to know just ask.

Lweji · 11/11/2013 15:30

Leave and don't look back can be very simple, but usually after we have done it. :)
It looks much harder when we are in the middle of the relationship.

There are things that people do that kill the love we feel for them. We can even forgive them, but the love may well not be there anymore.
If it ever goes back it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort in their part and even so it may never happen..

What exactly has he done? We have heard virtually all here and some of us have been through quite a bit. We won't shoot you. :)

Jan45 · 11/11/2013 15:32

I'm guessing he's cheated on you cos you weren't serving his needs - sorry, still think he's a creep.

ilikeFISH · 11/11/2013 15:32

There are things that people do that kill the love we feel for them. We can even forgive them, but the love may well not be there anymore.

^^^^ THIS!

I did forgive, honestly but I NEVER felt the same way, it was like someone had pulled back a veil and shown me the truth of who H was, and I didn´t like that person. Once you´ve seen behind the curtain you can´t unsee it.

Cabrinha · 11/11/2013 15:37

"Made my bed so I'll lie in it " is such a pernicious phrase.
You never, ever have to stay. Ever. It doesn't matter what's gone on - you are not obligated to live half a life in a crappy relationship for any reason.
You have a low sex drive, because you don't want to be with him.
Having a small child and being pregnant may not help... but fundamentally, you don't want him.
It's that simple. It may not feel simple to leave, I understand that. But at least lose the guilt, stop punishing yourself that you've made your own bed and must lie in it... accept that you don't want to have sex with him, and that that does not make you a bad person.
If I were you, I'd start at least thinking about the practicalities of leaving.

And hugs for whatever he did, that you "forgave". If it helps to talk on here, no-one will think you stupid. I "forgave" my ex for sleeping with prostitutes. See - no judging here for being stupid :)

ilikeFISH · 11/11/2013 15:43

Cabrinha I´ll join in

I forgave my ex for having one affair
Also forgave him for hating DD when she was born and being just horrible. Some of the gems for you op.

I had a shower (first one in a week) left 4 day old DD with him was in the shower for 3mins exactly as DD was screaming her head off. Came in and he put her on the changing table and gone outside for a fag!

He woke me up saying "your baby is crying" and went back to bed (NOTE I was very very very ill when DD was born and it was all I could do to function this was DD 2nd night)

I could go on. It was day to day little by little nothing major but drip drip drip water on a rock.

So definately no judgment from me either.

Lweji · 11/11/2013 15:46

I kept forgiving my ex for pressuring me into sex (even though he was not that keen when I was gagging for it during pregnancy).
I forgave him the first time he put his hands around my neck.
I forgave him, years later when he pinned me down on the floor by the neck, with my face down.
(I didn't when he slapped me a month later).

I'm not so forgiving anymore.

Lweji · 11/11/2013 15:46

There was more I forgave him for.

ilikeFISH · 11/11/2013 15:53

Lweji, Well done you, wish I had your strenght. Forgive first Ex for beating the shit out of me every day for 4 years, then found the one above. Bad taste in men me! But I´m working on that.

Original poster

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 16:00

Thank you FISH.
Basically he got his ex pregnant not long after we met and I should of left then but since then I fell pg with dd and he cheated on me throughout that pg too. However the latest one I found out about was a week after I got my bfp! I couldn't believe it as this baby was planned! I think this is the one that hanged everything for me! As all my friends have said in the past why don't you just leave and I always used to say there will be a day when I've had enough and can not handle anymore and that was probably it however because I was newly pg I couldn't see a way out! :( x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 16:01

Changed everything *

OP posts:

neiljames77 · 11/11/2013 16:02

It was the same both times my wife was pregnant but I didn't put her under any pressure. I can't see how him mithering you, trying the emotional blackmail or threatening to go with another woman will help you get in the mood.

Original poster

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 16:05

Nice to hear another man say that!

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 11/11/2013 16:13

You poor thing, OP. You can't "make it work" single-handedly. He has to want it to work too. And it sounds like he just wants to shag around, basically. If he won't stop cheating once a planned baby is on the way, he won't stop for anything.

What's your housing situation? Do you rent/own together?

neiljames77 · 11/11/2013 16:17

Would you want your children to be brought up, influenced or to be set an example by someone so destructive and selfish?

Original poster

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 16:19

No that's another thing I live on my own and am now going to be stuck on benefits which I absolutely hate!!!! But I can not provide childcare and pay rent and bills for two children on my own!

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 11/11/2013 16:21

Mummabear12 YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT WORK.

when there are problems in a relationship only TWO people can fix it.

God no wonder you don´t want sex with this person.

Ok, sorry about this but safety first, have you been to the STD clinic? You really should go, I know its scary and horrible but you really need to get checked out. Maybe have a chat with your MW if you can´t face going. when it comes to STD the sooner the better I´m afraid.

Right so what do YOU WANT. Forget everything else, can you live with no sex drive and a H that cheats on you, and is happy to have sex with you when you are not enjoying it? Answer that question first and then you know where you want to go and everyone here will help you get there.

Leaving is simple, making the decision to leave is very very very complicated and difficult

Staying is also simple but making the decision to stay is very very complicated and difficult.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 16:23

He'd still be financially responsible for both children, regardless of where you live. He'd also have to share the parenting, meaning you may be able to get back into work sooner than you imagine. As a lone parent, you'd also be eligible for more help towards rent and childcare.

I'm sorry you've been treated so disgracefully. But I also hope you realise that you're not 'in too deep', it's not your fault, your libido is perfectly normal, your friends are right and you do have a lot of choices remaining.

Joysmum · 11/11/2013 16:29

Bloody hell, wish I'd known that before posting all I did because your situation is nothing like mine. Sorry I assumed your lack of sex drive was pregnancy related but otherwise ok because there was nothing about that in your OP.

It's no wonder you've gone off him! You've been far more patient with him than most.

Do you really want to make it work? (Same question as before I know) With everything that's gone on my advice is still the same if you want to work through it although the route for help different. I don't think you can solve this one between yourselves if you do want to try to save your relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/11/2013 16:34

The OP thinks they are obliged to make it work because they haven't walked away yet. They think this nasty piece of slime is actually the best they can do. That's the trouble with emotional abuse. Spend long enough with someone that tells you that you are shit, that he prefers other women and that, if you don't put out, he'll go elsewhere... and eventually your self-esteem reaches a point so low that you don't think you have any choice but to stay.

OP.... you have choices.

neiljames77 · 11/11/2013 16:35

I don't know why you'd want to make it work. He's hardly a good role model is he?

QuintessentialShadows · 11/11/2013 16:39

Let him leave. You say your relationship is rocky. Dont cling on to a twattish man "just because". You will be much better off without him.

Out of curiosity, why did you plan a second child with a man like this?

As for the benefits, they will tide you over. As soon as you are able to work, you will. Until then, dont be stuck with an idiot because you have made bad choices till now.

He feels unloved, my arse.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 11/11/2013 16:39

I can't believe he has the cheek to complain about feeling unloved. Or that he has the affrontery to complain because you don't want to have sex with him.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. I couldn't bear to share a room with my DH if he did what yours has done to you - let alone a vagina.

Original poster

Mummabear12 · 11/11/2013 16:45

This is the message i recieves earlier from him!!!

I'm saying I can't carry on like this because it isn't right.fair enough when your heavily pregnant I can go without because I will be supporting you then and ill know sex would be hard or difficult like it got last time but not now.i can't commit myself into this relationship if this is how it's going to be.thats not me being horrible or stubborn because in the end it wouldn't be fair on either of us because I can't handle this and it would only have a negative effect on you and why your pregnant its not what u need.i love you alot right now and would do anything to make it perfect but I think I've been trying and getting no progress with it,only getting more and more frustrated by hoping it will improve.i don't want to cheat on you not that it's entered my head I just want you because u can be more then enough but we just ain't clicking right now

OP posts:

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