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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Refuge? What is it like?

57 replies

Thelongwaytofreedom · 08/11/2013 20:43

We may have to temporarily go into a refuge fr a short while. I have tried to avoid this, but I have to consider going into a refuge.

  • Do they have individual flats / apartments?
  • Are they safer than normal accommodation?

Any information much appreciated. I am sure WA will be able to explain, but I cannot talk right now and it only just has become an option.

OP posts:
olgaga · 08/11/2013 20:50

refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/refuges/living-in-a-refuge/

They are all different, but they are all safe.

olgaga · 08/11/2013 20:53

Sorry I can't link on this phone, but copy & paste the link.

Don't forget - it's a temporary respite.

JustLurkingNotPosting · 09/11/2013 08:11

This is my thread sharing my experience of refuge www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant?msgid=29709542

It was the making of me, the best move I ever made and to this day I have no regrets whatsoever. I embraced the experience, made it a positive one for myself and DD. When I went in promised myself I would come out the other side having gained as much possible from the situation. I am so grateful that places such as this exist, if it weren't for Women's Aid me and my DD would not be in the happy place we are in now. Go for it OP Smile

Original poster
Thelongwaytofreedom · 09/11/2013 10:37

Thank you justlurking

OP posts:
gingermop · 09/11/2013 11:15

me and my 4 childred have spent time in a womans aid refuge, we had our own bedroom and bathroom, shared living area and kitchen where ur allocated ur own shelf in fridge and cupboard for food.
its pot luck if your living with other familys that are nice/easy to live along side.
we found it best to keep to ourselves, not get involved in any conflict between other residents.
its was a hard time and to be honest was thankfull to leave, depending on ur circumstances (need protection) is staying with family an option?

Original poster
Thelongwaytofreedom · 09/11/2013 11:24

Yes gingermop, I am worried about what you have just said. My children are shy and not streetwise. They are used to their wealthy dad's lifestyle. This could be the breaking point for them. I am also considering a cheap holiday cottage as prices are low now, but I am worried about security in a holiday cottage in the middle of nowhere. Would we just be shaking with fear in our beds all night? This is why I considered a refuge.

OP posts:
gingermop · 09/11/2013 11:35

100% u will b safe, the workers there where lovely and I made a couple of friends.
a couple of familys in same time as us we had problems with.
as I said its potluck at who is there wen u r, my children saw it as a holiday most part, loved playroom and other kids to play with.
u r expected to pay rent, housing benifit can b claimed but you have to pay a top-up.

Original poster
Thelongwaytofreedom · 09/11/2013 11:41

No I cannot claim anything. Possibly renting cottage will be cheaper at approx. £200 per week out of season?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/11/2013 11:44

Why will you not be able to claim anything?

gingermop · 09/11/2013 11:47

you would b able to get housing benifit, b4 I went in I wasnt entitled but able to claim for duration of my stay

holidaysarenice · 09/11/2013 11:47

Is there anyway you cud get the money for an upfront 6 month rental? Its another option.

wordyBird · 09/11/2013 15:26

Try not to worry too much about your children's reaction. They want to be with you. They'll feel safe with you. There's a reason you're thinking of a refuge, and that reason may have affected them more than you may know.

Please remember children here and in other countries have to flee desperate situations sometimes. They are very resilient, and often adapt much faster than adults. With your love they will be OK.

Original poster
Thelongwaytofreedom · 09/11/2013 16:56

Hmm, thank you all. If I have to pay for the refuge I think I will go for the cottage if it's the same price. I think we would be happier by ourselves. After having suffered my abusive partner for so many years, I am not that good at mixing with people.

OP posts:
trish5000 · 09/11/2013 17:09

I dont know anything about this, but perhaps you could ask about locks and security before you go in an out of season holiday cottage?

wordyBird · 09/11/2013 17:23

You could perhaps use the refuge as a temporary staging post while you get your bearings, longway. Then move on as soon as you feel safe and ready, it needn't be long.
Sending you lots of courage Flowers

RandomMess · 09/11/2013 17:27

I'm not sure why you think you wouldn't get benefits.

If you have left your husband you should be able to claim housing benefit for a year whilst sorting out the financials of the marital home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/11/2013 08:40

OP I am glad you are being advised by WA. I wonder have you checked www.Turn2us.org.uk to check about benefits?

I realise you need to be discreet but have you family or friends you trust to turn to? If H has persuaded them you are flakey or irresponsible and you feel isolated, vent here. You won't have to "justify" your flight here. It is natural to feel cautious and apprehensive before taking a major step.

I don't have experience in this area but you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your DCs. Good luck.

ToTheTeeth · 10/11/2013 08:51

Unfortunately you can't get housing benefit if you have more than £16K in savings and this prevents many women entering a refuge, as they have to pay all the rent themselves at a time when they may be asset rich but not have a regular income. I used to work in the women's NGO sector and Women's Aid are aware of this as a problem but don't seem to be moving that rapidly to come up with a solution.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/11/2013 09:11

Btw it needn't be a holiday cottage in the middle of nowhere, and if you think about it, owners of properties that may stand vacant between holiday lets don't want randoms being able to access it easily. There's often a caretaker who keeps an eye on the place and/or cleans it between bookings so you wouldn't necessarily be entirely cut off from people.

trish5000 · 10/11/2013 09:24

Yes, I was thinking that if you choose to go down that route, book one where you can see that other cottages had been booked out in the neighbouring ones. Often they are in groups of cottages, sometimes joined.

ToTheTeeth · 10/11/2013 09:26

Remember you have very few rights in a holiday let though and could be asked to leave at quite short notice. Are you sure it wouldn't be better to sign up for a six month tenancy somewhere? And I presume WA are talking to you about other protection.

Original poster
Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 09:28

I won't get HB unfortunately and I think I am going for a cottage for a week or two. I had a look and they are quite affordable now in November and I would be able to cook, wash, work and the DCs would have privacy to do their homework.

Hi donkeys Smile that is true. Usually they are converted outbuildings by the main house round here or granny annexes. It would be almost fun for the DCs.

OP posts:
WallaceWindsock · 10/11/2013 09:36

Refuge can also provide support which you won't get in a holiday cottage. They have access to specialist solicitors, DV police unit, counsellors, play therapists for your kids. Etc.

You would probably find that your kids coped better going into refuge as there will be other kids to play with a play room, normally some kind of craft activities or a group to go along to etc. they'd all be in a room with you which would be comforting and feel safer for them. Plus you know it will be warms and dry and secure. A holiday cottage won't have that security.

Whatever you do you need to be a aware of making yourself invisible. Leave no evidence of the fact that you're booking a cottage or calling for a refuge place. If possible try not to use your name for the booking. Don't place a payment if he can access your bank account. He may be able to get online even if you think he doesn't know your online passwords. Don't use cash machines, withdraw as much as you can on route and use the cash. Ring mobile provider and state that you are fleeing DV. They will apply a new phone number to your SIM card within an hour.

I would strongly advise a refuge as from experience you will feel safer, have a better support system and actually having other women there who have been through what you have is actually really helpful. Also the majority are actually very nice. You talk about your kids being used to a certain comfort of living? You will get that in a refuge. It won't just be some dump with a load of crappy old furniture in it.

WallaceWindsock · 10/11/2013 09:37

All the stuff you've mentioned in the last post is possible in a refuge.

MsGee · 10/11/2013 09:37

A refuge is not just about a roof over your head.

They will help you sort finances, deal with the emotional impact of the abuse and help you emotionally and practically deal with the new phase of your life. The refuge I know (in work sense) has lots of child activities to help them too. Most if the children at the refuge are younger children (not sure if this is similar to other refuges).

I would suggest a Refuge if only as a short term solution because of the additional support.

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