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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Refuge? What is it like?

57 replies

Thelongwaytofreedom · 08/11/2013 20:43

We may have to temporarily go into a refuge fr a short while. I have tried to avoid this, but I have to consider going into a refuge.

  • Do they have individual flats / apartments?
  • Are they safer than normal accommodation?

Any information much appreciated. I am sure WA will be able to explain, but I cannot talk right now and it only just has become an option.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/11/2013 09:38

there is obviously a huge back story and the important thing is that you are escaping.

Remember once the savings in your name dip below a certain amount you will start qualifying for benfits etc.

I agree a holiday let will be a nicer environment than a refuge (not that I have any experience).

Will you still be quite local to the family home?

RandomMess · 10/11/2013 09:40

X-posts.

If you need to disappear I would suggest a refuge, even if just for a short while like posters above have said.

MissMarplesBloomers · 10/11/2013 10:02

Refuge would be safe for you all. Remember they often become more abusive when you leave (sorry to be negative)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/11/2013 10:41

I don't know the ins and outs of refuges tbh but it seems prudent to save as much money as possible. If you are able to fake confidence and keep positive for your DCs they may treat a stint at a refuge as an adventure, a novelty. Wouldn't it be a help to share and pool information with others at the refuge? At least initially?

(Have we met on MN before OP?).

Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 10:50

Yes we have donkeys you nicknamed my exp a hideous amphibian (clue).

OP posts:
Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 10:53

So how much is the rent in a refuge?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/11/2013 11:22

Thanks, have PM'd you OP.

Hopefully someone knowledgeable will be along to advise further on refuges. I believe it's normally advisable to go somewhere well beyond your usual area so you're out of reach of your partner in case he comes looking for you.

CiderwithBuda · 10/11/2013 11:26

Ah. I think I remember you. You had a long thread going at one point? I wondered how you were doing.

What is your plan/hope for after the Refuge or cottage? I seem to remember you wanted him to leave and that you and th DCs stay in the family home?

DameFanny · 10/11/2013 11:26

Don't ask us OP - talk to your local Women's Aid derive. They can answer all these questions, and if you do decide to rent somewhere yourself they can offer other support, including safety advice, freedom counselling, names and numbers of appropriate support agencies, decent solicitors etc.

If you're going to disappear with the children you'll also need to make the police aware so that your H can't pursue you with missing persons etc - Women's Aid can help you with that, and with Social Services if your H puts in a complaint and says you're an unfit mother , not an unlikely scenario.

BibbleBabbleBobble · 10/11/2013 11:28

Aye you imagining that the other people in a refuge will be a bit rough, is that it?

Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 11:51

No Bibble I have no idea what the other people in the refuge will be like, they will probably be in the same position that we are in. Why would they be rough? Why are people getting downgraded because they are in that situation? I am so fed up with this attitude. My parents have downgraded me because of being with exp - and the DCs - we are anything but rough. Sorry for outburst - I am just so fed up with getting sneered at.

OP posts:
WallaceWindsock · 10/11/2013 12:01

I'm trying to find an old thread with my experience of refuge on it. Will look in a min. If it helps at all OP! when we went into refuge we shared a large house with tonnes of facilities with a whole mix of people including a farmer and her DCs, a solicitor as well as a few who were on benefits etc. Refuges these days are really of a good quality and a whole range of types of people use them. They're all just women like you, who needed to flee nasty arseholes. We all sort of bonded over our shared experiences. There were a few oddballs that passed through but we mostly didn't take much notice of them! It's not like is imagined it would be with loads of really rough scary people all packed into a tiny house with no space to be alone or to cook what I wanted when I wanted etc.

In both the ones I stayed in we had half a fridge and half a freezer each, fully equipped kitchens etc. we used to be in the kitchen on a Sunday with the radio on knocking out roast dinners. There was space for several people to cook at once, it was by no means any less than I'd had in my own home. There will be a full launderette on site which you can operate whenever you want. Bedrooms wee large enough for everyone to be in comfortably.

The living space we had was also big, modern, tv, DVD player and a few consoles. Several bathrooms with showers and baths. As soon as your savings dip low enough you will be entitled to benefits which in my experience fully covered the rent for refuge. I only had to pay a service charge of £15 a week.

They vary in terms of what facilities you get. We had a large 5 bedroom Victorian house which was great and had several different activities and a catered evening of crafts and stuff for the kids with really lovely dinner at a local children's centre weekly. I also stayed in a huge converted manor house with iron security gates, 11 bedrooms and tonnes of in house facilities ranging from a play room, a den for older DCs with games consoles and lava lamps, a softplay room for toddlers and an quiet room for meetings with solicitors, police etc.

It varies greatly but from what I can gather most refuges these days either provide on site facilities or run them at a local centre. They have social workers, DV officers, children's workers and support staff on site or closely working with the refuge, most come in regularly or by appointment. It's far easier to access this huge wealth if support. The support staff deal with the fallout - speak to the police to alert them you've fled DV and are in refuge so that if your partner tries to tell the police you are missing etc they won't pass any information on at all. They will pay your transport to the refuge, usually providing a taxi to take you and all your stuff.

I even spent Christmas in one, and to be quite honest it was just as lovely as a Christmas at home! The staff provided a huge tree and decorations plus a hamper full of Christmas food. We all received a small present from the staff as some of the residents couldn't afford to buy much for their DCs and everyone mucked in and had a laugh.

Refuge is what you make of it, but I actually miss it now some years later! There were some people we avoided but because the majority were lovely it didn't matter or you didn't notice iyswim? My daughter loved it despite being fairly quiet and young at the time.

WallaceWindsock · 10/11/2013 12:04

OP she wasn't sneering at you, it's just a very common misconception people have about refuges. One of those stereotypes that pop up very often when talking about refuges so it makes sense that she mentioned it. She wasn't tarring you with that brush.

CiderwithBuda · 10/11/2013 12:14

Wallace - it sounds great. Thank God they exist. You have insured me to make a donation to Refuge.

Thelongwaytofeeedom - I thnk if I were you I would go to a Refuge. You and your DCs will have help, support, advice on what to next and how to do it all. A holiday cottage sounds good but you need support to get yourself to the next stage and Refuge can help with that.

How are your DCs? I am assuming you are still living with exp?

Spiritedwolf · 10/11/2013 12:17

Glad to hear from you Freedom, I worried about you when I couldn't see your thread any more and hoped you were safe.

I think that there's all kinds of support that will be available in a refuge that might be harder to access outside of one. I also like the idea of you being somewhere where there are people who will look after you and understand your situation. It will also be SAFE, which is very important. It is probably worthwhile to go there even if just for a short time to live somewhere safe and supported while you organise what to do next - legally, financially etc. The link someone made above does tell you all about how refuges are organised.

If you do decide to go the holiday cottage route, please still do in conjunction with WA, ask their advice about what sort of place to go, what precautions to take in order to stay safe and how to access support from there.

I really hope you and your children can get out safely and that you can rebuild your lives from there. Thinking of you all x

BibbleBabbleBobble · 10/11/2013 12:17

I haven't downgraded people in refuges. It was the statement that "My children are shy and not streetwise. They are used to their wealthy dad's lifestyle." Made me wonder if that was your sub text.

I am sure that at a refuge you won't be forced to mix with people if you don't want to, and the additional security seems like a no brainer if he's likely to come round and try to intimidate you.

TheOpposibleThumb · 10/11/2013 13:19

I can only offer handholding as I have no experience in this area, but I would simply say (having read your previous thread too) that you must put the children's and your own physical safety as your top priority. A refuge sounds safer to me.

Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 16:42

Thank you all Flowers you are probably right for reasons of security. As I said before, we won't gain much if we are in the cottage worrying he will find us.

OP posts:
Thelongwaytofreedom · 10/11/2013 19:44

I have just been told that refuges are free, regardless of your income.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/11/2013 19:47

Gret news, you can stay there as long as you need to in order to secure yourself a safe long term rental.

All the best x

TheOpposibleThumb · 10/11/2013 22:31

Good news. Good luck with your plans.

bibliomania · 11/11/2013 10:15

I went to a refuge and couldn't get benefits either. I only stayed for three weeks and paid privately, but as others have said, it was really worth it for the support. I did have a wobble and nearly went back to exH (he was crying and promising that it would all be different, and I'd got so used to listening to his voice instead of my own). I also - and this is nearly impossible for me to believe - nearly agreed to him have DD Mon-Fri and me having her at the weekends. THANK GOD that they helped me to see clearly.

It was a beautiful old building, DD loved having other children around, and I had some peaceful evenings with the other women playing Scrabble.

I really recommend it as a stepping stone. If you're looking at a private rental, you needn't stay very long. But it's a helping hand at a moment when you could really do with it.

Mosman · 12/11/2013 11:29

We ended up moving to a hotel in the end which I believe was cheaper too.

Mosman · 12/11/2013 11:31

Lost the long message I'd typed grrrr
Anyway the just was we went in one as a child, aged about six, quite a scary experience, our stuff stolen, good constantly eaten, mum to scared to confront anyone.
If you couldn't take it with you when you went out for the day consider it gone and food wasn't allowed in the rooms understandably

BibbleBabbleBobble · 12/11/2013 11:45

Mosman, are you saying it was the refuge that was scary, or the hotel?

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