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Original poster

Why does he grope and touch me all day but never want sex with me?

54 replies

Undo · 06/11/2013 22:24

Just that ^. Why does my H touch me and grope me and say suggestive things when we can't have sex ( baby awake during the day for instance) but avoid any suggestion of having sex when we can?

I have brought this up too many times to count and he says it's me that doesn't want sex or a million other reasons that I am to blame for ( I thought you were tired/ill/asleep etc)

I understand if he doesn't want sex but why all the groping and crudeness then?

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 06/11/2013 23:14

It's a really horrible way of trying to have power over you.

flameprincess · 06/11/2013 23:14

Just to throw in another possibility. But maybe he is genuinally having sex drive problems. He may be 'up for it' at times when it is impossible because of just that, it isn't going to happen. And then when it is possible he loses interest. Subconsciously or not.
To explain it a bit better, I find myself more easily aroused when I'm having my time of the month because I know I can't actually have sex, it's not being able to do it that makes me want it, I'm never as interested when it comes to being possible again (I know this can be a hormone thing too but was best example I could think of)

Twinklestein · 06/11/2013 23:16

Yeah I mentioned that and I agree that's possible. But he still shouldn't be groping her...

flameprincess · 06/11/2013 23:23

Agree with you there

Original poster
Undo · 06/11/2013 23:31

It could be that. But he knows how rejected I feel when he does this. Wouldn't he stop if he knew it bothered me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Undo · 06/11/2013 23:32

I could be analysing it too much.

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 06/11/2013 23:33

they will make you analyze everything.
get out now, before he sucks you right in

wontletmesignin · 06/11/2013 23:34

or - i could be analyzing too much.

if you feel he uses these 'tactics' on things other than sex, and you find yourself questioning yourself quite often - then run

SolidGoldBrass · 06/11/2013 23:37

Well, he doesn't want sex with you, he's getting, or trying to get, something else from his constant poking and prodding and clutching. It may be that he just likes upsetting you and seeing you confused and hurt. It may be that he has some sort of sexual issue (willy wilt/gay and in major denial/low libido/madonna-whore complex) but it's very important to him to display the attitude of a Real Red Blooded Man who wants Loads Of Sex but-the-bitch-won't-put-out, so he asks for sex when he knows you will refuse so he can blame you for the lack of sexual activity.

Whatever the answer, though, his behaviour shows that he cares a lot more about his feelings than about yours. You are basically there for his benefit and shouldn't have any wishes or desires of your own.

Original poster
Undo · 06/11/2013 23:37

He does, at times make me question myself over everything. Then it goes quiet for a while and everything seems ok. Until the next time.

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 06/11/2013 23:41

He does it to make you question yourself.

To make you unsure, uncertain, slightly confused.

Then the engineered arguments...

Not looking good OP.

Original poster
Undo · 06/11/2013 23:41

but it's very important to him to display the attitude of a Real Red Blooded Man who wants Loads Of Sex but-the-bitch-won't-put-out, so he asks for sex when he knows you will refuse so he can blame you for the lack of sexual activity.

I think that for whatever reason, this hits the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Onefewernow · 06/11/2013 23:44

SGB has it.

wontletmesignin · 06/11/2013 23:46

run. it only gets worse. the longer you stay - the more control he gets. if you question him about his actions or words
he will act in a defensive manner - then accept what you are saying, say sorry or thereabouts and be calm for a couple of weeks.
that person that you first met, the person that you liked.
then it falls back to the same old game.

Original poster
Undo · 06/11/2013 23:49

It's almost like you know him Wont :(

OP posts:
wontletmesignin · 06/11/2013 23:55

i am sorry that you are going through this.trust me, i understand how difficult it is. there are alot of people on these boards who will support you with whatever you decide.

i only broke up with my ex on monday. 5 years i was with him. i believed every excuse - i believed it was me. i asked the doctors if i was a psychopath, if i had paranoid personality, etc. etc.
in the end, i blamed it on health anxiety.
which right now, i don't believe i actually have that.
he was labeling me so much and so often - i thought it must have been me.
as i was having a mental health assessment, he tried sabotaging it, claiming i was a lion in sheeps clothing - meaning, i was very, very fiesty, but disguise myself with a personality of all calm and sweet.
i am calm, caring, and considerate.
he told them "when she is in one of her moods....oooo dont even look her way"
i asked what he meant - "eee i dont know, i went to must and all this crap came out of my mouth"
nowi know what he was doing.

i got a fantastic mental health report, claiming i was on top form!
thank god they listened to me only!

anyway, i am rambling.
i am trying to let you see that this will only get worse the longer you stick around. my post on here is "am ibu thinking oh should apologise to dd"
he made up a false accusation of my daughter thieving.

i came on here and they helped me open my eyes. to see what i already seen, just couldn't accept through all the self doubt.

Darkesteyes · 07/11/2013 00:28

Solid has nailed it.

WaitingForMe · 07/11/2013 07:13

My ex did this. It's a form if gaslighting IMO.

Olddear · 07/11/2013 11:34

Ok. Get a babysitter, take a nice bath, cooks nice meal, bottle of wine and make yourself completely available to him, no distractions of any kind and leave him in no doubt you are ready and very willing to have sex with him, in other words, corner him and see what excuse he comes up with then. If he still won't have sex with you there may be something deeper going on. Either way, you need to get to the bottom of it!

BeCoolFucker · 07/11/2013 12:11

"Whatever the answer, though, his behaviour shows that he cares a lot more about his feelings than about yours. You are basically there for his benefit and shouldn't have any wishes or desires of your own."
YY ^^ this!

Vivacia · 07/11/2013 12:13

I wouldn't be setting up a romantic evening with a man who gropes me at all, let alone gropes me at the least appropriate time.

BibbleBabbleBobble · 07/11/2013 12:15

Assuming you've already tried to talk to him about this, rather than try and set up a romantic evening I would be tempted to respond to groping with groping of my own. Or be 'up for it' at his I opportune moments. See how that goes down.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/11/2013 13:19

Aha! And there it is - PORN!!!
I had gathered that he was a porn user from your original post.
I assume he uses it a lot.
This won't get any better.
Others have put it so well.
Sounds like ultimatum time to me or... RUN for hills!

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 07/11/2013 13:33

Of course he is a porn user, it was obvious from the thread title

All the best dysfunctionally sexist objectifiers of women are pornhounds, IMO

Olddear · 07/11/2013 14:43

I certainly wouldn't wish a romantic evening with this man either, but then, he's not my husband and I don't need to care whether he wishes to have sex with me or not. But the OP wonders why he is choosing not to have sex and prefers groping instead, I simply suggest calling his bluff!