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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

don't know what to do about my 27yo ds

60 replies

kaylasmum · 06/11/2013 13:33

First i have to explain that my ds has borderline personality disorder. He has had behavioural problems since the age of 2. When he was 16 he told me he's gay, just after he'd cut his wrists and taken an overdose of paracetamol! O have no problem at all with his sexuality and he can talk to me about anything
The self harm continued for a few years. He finally met a man and they settled down, had a civil ceremony.

My ds worked in care, but always had some kind of problem which resulted in him leaving or being sacked. His relationship suffered due to his mental health and last year my ds's dp left him. My ds was devastated, he moved back with me.

I have 2 young dcs, aged 10 and 6 and a very small 3 bedroom house. My 6 yo sleeps with my dp in our bed, my dd has her own room, my 27 yo ds is in his 6 yo db room and i'm on the couch!

My ds has had major problems with prescription drug addiction and i have tried to help him kick this addiction. He is currently waiting to be put on a support group for bpd. He was receiving help before but would often miss appointments. I feel that he's not trying to help himself enough.

My 6 yo wants his bedroom back! I was cleaning the room out a couple of weeks ago and found vomit on my 6 yo ds toys and on a pillow, which was turning mouldy.y ds had been out and come home very drunk, he had vomitted in the room and not cleaned it up, he smokes roll ups and is always leaving tobacco lying about, half filled glasses of juice and sometimes his anxiety medication.

I also suffer from a mental health illness and i'm at my wits end. I really want my ds to find his own place to live. I feel bad for him but my 6 yo ds needs his room back and i need my bed!

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 17:36

Of course he's not keen. But presumably you're not keen to bugger your back sleeping in the sofa, and your DS2 isn't keen to lose his room (and toys) to a disgusting, vomiting adult who won't even clean up after himself.

Tough.

Either your DS1 sleeps on the sofa, or he sleeps in the caravan. Or he moves out. His choice.

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 17:38

And if you don't want him on your sofa because of his poor personal hygiene then you get a cheap blow-up air bed and he sleeps on that in the lounge.

Or you accept that this is how your life - and your other children's lives - are going to be from now on.

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 17:40

And please tell me you aren't washing his bedding.

Tiredemma · 06/11/2013 17:41

He needs to get a grip.

Look at the chaos you are all living under because of him. Why the hell are you sleeping on the sofa?? I know you say he has 'naps' so cant sleep downstairs but this is ridiculous.

I work within mental health- he sounds a little indulged and needs to start taking some responsibility for himself Im afraid.

kaylasmum · 06/11/2013 17:41

He's worried about the cost of keeping warm in the caravan as he'd have to help with the electric as i cant afford to pay extra, i'm struggling financially at the moment.

OP posts:
SkullyAndBones · 06/11/2013 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaylasmum · 06/11/2013 17:45

Yes i wash his bedding when i do the rest. It would cost more to do it separately.

OP posts:
kaylasmum · 06/11/2013 17:48

I'm not poo-pooing anything, he's gonna have to choose caravan or couch. This is difficult for me, i don't like seeing him so low.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 06/11/2013 17:48

There are people sleeping rough in this country ,he can go in the caravan with some hot water bottles !

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 18:06

Presumably he is contributing something to his keep? If he has enough money to go out and get drunk then he has enough money to pay you rent, even if just a nominal sum.

mummymummymillionmillion · 06/11/2013 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LIZS · 06/11/2013 18:13

but presumably he gets benefits so could contribute towards electricity etc. He doesn't have to live in the caravan, just use it as a bedroom . Alternatively he finds somewhere else. If he has a support worker they could help him find a more sustainable solution. He doesn't need to help himself all the time you do it for him.

Phalenopsis · 06/11/2013 18:16

Give him small tasks OP like washing his breakfast things up, picking up his siblings from school. Nothing onerous just simple things to help him back in his feet. Support is vital but speaking as someone who has had mental health problems, you shouldn't be doing everything for him because in the long run, it won't help.

Vivacia · 06/11/2013 18:21

With respect, you're playing the "Yes, but..." game. It sounds as though you must be happy enough with the situation to not want it to change. And that's fair enough.

waltermittymissus · 06/11/2013 19:48

With the greatest of respect, what is it that you want from this thread kaylas?

You seem to have excuses for or be defensive about everything! And that's fine. It's your life, your son and your perogative. I'm just wondering what you're looking for.

cjel · 06/11/2013 20:16

Kaylas. He needs to live a way from your house, He managed to have a relationship and live away from you and your younger dcs and your dp also deserve 'your help'
You are poopooing every good option.
I think you are enabling his behaviour and unless you want to break down yourself and ruin your younger dcs lives you should make him move out and you can support him at a distance,(I've done it with mine) It is so much easier to support them when you still have you sanctuary.

It is hard but at the moment you are not helping.

MrsTomHardy · 06/11/2013 20:27

Agree with many others, not sure what you want from this thread tbh. People are giving you good advise but you're not really listening.

ImperialBlether · 06/11/2013 20:47

I think some people are being quite harsh on the OP. This is her son. The fact his living there is causing problems is obviously upsetting her but who could kick out their own son? I couldn't.

HopeClearwater · 06/11/2013 20:52

All these suggestions and none of them are any good to you. Post in another forum, on another website?

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 21:28

Hey hey hey. No need to suggest the OP leaves.

OP, if you just want to vent then you're safe to do it here.

It must be horribly hard.

kaylasmum · 06/11/2013 21:29

I came on here because o dont know what to do. I dont want to kick him out but i would like him to get his own place. I want him to sleep in the caravan, but he does'nt want to. I don't do everything for him. Unless you've been in this situation its hard to understand. I appreciate all the advice on here But its not all that straightforward

OP posts:
Vivacia · 06/11/2013 21:34

I want him to sleep in the caravan, but he doesn't want to

Give him the choice of that or he moves out. Honestly, there's no reason why you shouldn't be in bed with your husband.

cjel · 06/11/2013 21:35

I think we understand its not easy, but just because he doesn't want to doesn't have to mean he gets his own way at the expense of you and your dp and you other dcs.

With all his problems he may need to be told what he is doing rather than giving him options. I'd go for a definite time ie next weekend and he has to go to caravan if he hasn't found himself somewhere else.
You can help him much better from a distance - trust me I do knowxx

cheeseandpineapple · 06/11/2013 21:44

Oh OP, your posts are :(

What a difficult situation for you. Is he waitlisted for local housing? Is that an option for him to get onto a list? LA can't expect you to put him up given your family situation and if you know he's on a list it might make it more palatable in the meantime having him home. But you would still need to be firm with him about being a thoughtful member of the family and that whilst he's home it's your rules like it was when he was growing up and you need to show him some tough love for his own sake. That this is an opportunity for him to spend time with his younger siblings and he needs to step up as their big brother and be a better role model for them.

Sorry can't be more helpful, it's a tricky one but good luck..

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 21:50

I think it's the unfairness of the situation that is getting to me, OP , not you at all. It really bugs me that one man has so completely disrupted your household, and treated it with such disrespect, and doesn't do anything to improve things because he doesn't want to.

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