shattered and fuming 1950's housewife

[knasher29]

Hello ladies

Totally at the end of my teather - I have a husband, a 2 year, 9 month old and a 3 week old baby.

Yes - hands full.. Am I wrong in thinking that my husband should be doing more than just go to work, come home and play sport?? That I should do everything else - look after both children, feed everyone, do all the housework.. He makes the occassional dinner and stacks the dish washer once a week - WE ARE ONLY 30! I thought this was only acceptable in my grandparents generation. Yes, he was pretty useless first baby but promised to be better this time round - but he's not! He gets to go to the pub whenever he likes, plays sport twice a week, goes for runs in the evening/morning.

All I ask is that he feeds my daughter and gets her dressed while I breatsfeed the baby in the morning - baths, stories in the evening, wash a few dishes, do washing that aren't his work shirts.

He barely touches the baby - he has changes 2 nappies in the last few weeks and sleeps upstairs mon-fri so that he can sleep for work (like I get a rest during the day???!!!) ..

...feeling so frazzled and frustrated - tried to talk to him zillions of times to no avail ('I'll try...blah, blah, blah').. advice??

Tell him to shape up or ship the fuck out of your house, the lazy twat.

Why on earth is a man with 3 children 2 and under playing sport twice a week and going to the pub regularly?

It's all hands on deck when you have so many children so close together, and that means hobbies and socialising take a back seat to doing your job as a parent for a bit.

What a lazy sod!

I would become petty and stop doing ANYTHING for him until he bucks his ideas up.

When he finally realises that he has no clothes left, have a timetable listing all jobs house and child related and say that you are going to divide them equally. Not up for discussion.

Advice? Stop doing everything as a first measure. You can't not look after the children during the day but you can stop doing so much housework and his 'occasional meal' becomes 'every meal'.

As a second measure, stop tolerating false promises and selfish behaviour. Tell him that if he doesn't start shaping up, there's no future in the relationship. If you're going to be a single parent, better to just go ahead and do it properly rather than having to accommodate this dead weight.

Why does he get to go the pub when ever he likes?
If I knew he was there and I'd just fed the baby, I'd be down there with all 3 of them. Leave them with him and go off for an hour or so.
Good grief, children mean different priorities.
I think a good wake up call is required.
When he goes to the pub next, lock him out and leave an overnight bag on the doorstep with a note on it for him.
And as others have said - stop doing things for him - no more dinners, no cooking, no cleaning, no tidying up his skiddy pants - enough!

Can he afford to pay for a cleaner/ cook etc? Au pair? If not then he needs to help more.

You would find life a lot easier as a single parent. The amount of work created by another adult who does nothing for themselves but expects their partner to is way out of proportion to what you're actually getting out of him being around. When I left my X I was amazed at how much easier it was to stay on top of everything.

Sorry to confuse - we have 2 children - DD1(2 & months) and DD2 (3 weeks) - still a handful!

Glad it's not just me that thinks its way out of proportion!! Have thought about going away for a couple of days to make him think. Just think its totally unfair that I'm running myself into the ground but he carries on as normal (plus complaining that I don't give him enough attention to boot!)

I'd say to him how tired you are and ask if you could have just one day where he does everything you'd normally do at home except breast feed so you can have a day off.

Then be resolute, do nothing but answer his questions about how to do things when he gets stuck but not be tempted into showing him. Go out even and have your mobile and pop back to feed the baby.

This should make him appreciate that your life is harder than his! I'm lucky, when I had my daughter my hubby 'worked from home' and he told me he wanted to do it all and only handed DD back for feeds. Made him appreciate how hard it was just to have 1 newborn and no other kids so he's never taking me for granted.

So what's your next step knasher?

You have probably just outed yourself. Ask for last comment to be deleted

"Have thought about going away for a couple of days to make him think."

That's far too passive. He won't use the time to think. He'll be down the pub or whatever else he normally does and you'll come home to a pile of housework.

If you want to stop being treated like a doormat, speak up for yourself... out loud... forcefully.

Oh my god, how are you coping? You dh is being an oblivious selfish git. He really needs to pull his finger from his arse and help out.

Seriously? Stop doing anything you don't have to. Eat with your older dd, he can make his own. Anything he leaves lying around gets dumped unceremoniously on his side of the bed. Do not wash his clothes.

And tell him. None of this "you upset me" bollocks - tell him, straight up, that he's being a lazy twat who doesn't deserve two gorgeous daughters and a loving wife. That he has had his chance and if he doesn't sort his attitude out then he'll be begging his mum for a sofa to doss on. That if he loved you he'd show you some respect.

He doesn't respect you much now, he'll respect you even less as time goes by and you carry on being the skivvy.

Sit him down and talk, try to divide jobs up fairly in advance. If he won't do that then stop doing ANYTHING for him. Give him hell. Ignore him when he feels sorry for himself/calls you a nag.

Reported, think they'll give you the chance to edit it OP.

he carries on as normal (plus complaining that I don't give him enough attention to boot!) poor him he must be exhausted all that interacting with adults and diversity of Mon-Fri plus getting paid for it and freedom to do as he pleases!

Here's how you give him more attention. Put his salary and therefore family income to good use: get a supermarket to deliver to your home, pay for a cleaner twice a week before and after weekend, start the 2.9 yr old at a local nursery two mornings or afternoons a week, pay for a babysitter occasionally. Join a gym preferably with a creche attached. Healthy happy mum, happy family. When you have finished bf you might consider a nice city break somewhere... with girlfriends one weekend, break the pattern of you stuck in the cave, nurturing, him doing pretty much as he used to, out in the big world.

If you have in mind returning to work later if you don't knock this idea he has of you doing everything on the head now, he will still expect you to pick up the slack and cover everything, whether you're part- or full-time.

Babies and little kids aren't pets, he can't leave all the taking care stuff to Mummy because he's bored now and wants to go play instead.

Really feel for you.Am in similar situation.Same age and 2 dcs-, only that dp works away all week.Reached the end of my tether and also realised when I go back to work it will be twice as hard.Now I am just focusing on me and the two dcs.Being good to myself.He took older dc out at the weekend as am Bfeeding the baby and I have honestly not felt so rested for a long long time.Stand up for yourself.I have gotten some great advice from mumsnet.

Good advice on here as always.

I would sit him down and tell him it's got to change - he's living like a batchelor.

I'd also go away for a weekend with the baby - stay with your mum or something and leave him with the 2 year old. Resist the urge to shop before you go, make sure he has to do some shopping as well as cooking and entertaining the toddler.

Op your husband is taking the puss because you are letting him.

My first two children are just ten months apart. My eldest was two years and six weeks old when I had my third and it was all hands on deck. I don't know how your coping alone as I had help and I was still knackered.

If you are not careful and if your husband doesn't dig in more you are going to run yourself into the ground.

It's time for him to grow up and realise that he has three very young children and he can't have his runs, nights out etc.

He knows this but as your not putting your foot down he is happy to continue. Why wouldn't he, it's very stressful with my small children.

Give him stuff to do. He is not going to miraculously get off his arse at the stage so it's up to you to make the changes. The only choice he should be given is if he wants to either make dinner or bath kids or whatever makes your life easier.

Puss = piss

Excellent advice.. Not a push over at all - constantly talking to him about it but he just doesn't get it! I can show my frustration but then get called a psycho for shouting.. Yes, I could leave dd1 with home but tbh worried that she'll be all over the place on return - he doesn't really know her routine. I've suggested writing down their routines so he knows what to do but them called anal.

He's better with dd1 but worried that he's not bonding with dd2. He was the same with dd1 until she was about 9months.

Ps. We don't have a joint bank account - would love to spend his cash!! :) he pays for mortgage and most bills, I pay for most food and all the girls stuff - clothes, equipment, etc.

And you are with this person why?

He was the same for nine months with your other dd, well that's no surprise. He is letting you establish routines etc and then jumps on board when baby comes easier. Not fuckin on.

My kids are 5, 6 and 6 now and it doesn't really get any easier so he needs a rocket up his arse and pronto.

The only way he will learn your dd routine is if he spends time with her doing it by himself. If he doesn't you will always be tied to the house.

Calling you a psycho when you raise a valid point is really just to shut you up so he can carry on taking the piss.

So in summary he calls you a 'psycho', 'anal' and he'd rather be anywhere else and with anyone else than pull his weight at home with his own family. What exactly is he bringing to the party?

Ffs I hate this phone. My kids are 5, 6 and 7.