shattered and fuming 1950's housewife

[knasher29]

Hello ladies

Totally at the end of my teather - I have a husband, a 2 year, 9 month old and a 3 week old baby.

Yes - hands full.. Am I wrong in thinking that my husband should be doing more than just go to work, come home and play sport?? That I should do everything else - look after both children, feed everyone, do all the housework.. He makes the occassional dinner and stacks the dish washer once a week - WE ARE ONLY 30! I thought this was only acceptable in my grandparents generation. Yes, he was pretty useless first baby but promised to be better this time round - but he's not! He gets to go to the pub whenever he likes, plays sport twice a week, goes for runs in the evening/morning.

All I ask is that he feeds my daughter and gets her dressed while I breatsfeed the baby in the morning - baths, stories in the evening, wash a few dishes, do washing that aren't his work shirts.

He barely touches the baby - he has changes 2 nappies in the last few weeks and sleeps upstairs mon-fri so that he can sleep for work (like I get a rest during the day???!!!) ..

...feeling so frazzled and frustrated - tried to talk to him zillions of times to no avail ('I'll try...blah, blah, blah').. advice??

op you talking to h

You have to stop talking and take action. That also means letting go of the control over your dc's and givig him direct responsibility.

So you CAN leave both children with him (although I understand why the 3 week old you wouldn't yet!). He will do things differently, he may not stick to your routine, he may end up with an over tired 2 year old. It's a learning curve. He needs to learn, you need to force let him.

If you're a Sahm you need to think about the finances too. It has to be family money, not 'his'.

Final point is that I think you have to assert yourself and make plans. It can be as simple as going to a friends one evening. Tell him your plan, go and leave him to it. He'll have to man up, you get to be you for a few hours, not mummy or wife.

Too soon!

U talking to him probably has just morphed in to nagging /shouting. Been there done that. The only thing that worked for me was throwing him in deep end. I micro managed every thing he did as I didn't think he would manage but he was more than capable.

He is just being lazy selfish and inconsiderate. Honestly get it sorted before simmering resentment stars setting in. Tell him your at the end of the line with him. He either gets off here and fucks off or stays on a is part of a family.

If he respects you he will change , mine did. After years of being pampered off his mother - it was easily for me to slip on to her role. That soon stopped when I realised I was being a mug, he is supposed to be your equal regardless if he goes to work .

Also op are you on maternity pay ?

If any ladies reading this are dating someone who goes on about his psycho ex ......then its highly likely you are probably dating someone not unlike the OPs DH!

Nip it in the bud ASAP. I talk from experience. The longer you ignore it and carry on doing everything the harder it will get to insist he changes.
You have 2 young children, leaving to teach him a lesson seems pointless to me, why should you go through all that Aggro. Tell him you've had enough and he needs to shape up fast.

There was an article in Marie Claire last month that riled me. They did a section on men ,sex and relationships and talked to four couples. The bloke in the final couple had a partner and very young child. She said she felt taken for granted because he was carrying on like a single man and coming home from work ,going straight back out again for a run or to the gym.
This bloke took himself off on a snowboarding holiday with his mates in January. The woman in the couple said she had told him how she felt and that it had led to arguments.
The psychologist in the article said to communicate better and (if there was enough money) suggested a family holiday.

Surely if there was money for him to piss off on a snowboarding holiday in JANUARY a month after Chrtistmas there is money for a family one. And if there had been arguments then this lady had already told him how she felt.
At the end of the article he insisted that he didnt realise how she felt (even though there had been arguments) he agreed to do date nights etc and she now feels confident enough to try for another baby with him. I was speechless reading it.

OP, someone very wise once said: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."

So I would suggest you start doing things VERY differently with your husband. Stop doing anything for him. I mean everything. Washing, tidying, cooking etc. When he comes home from work I think you should hand him the kids and then go out round to visit a friend or relatives for a couple of hours. He clearly would be able to cope but just wouldn't like it. This will obviously bring on a row I imagine but I think the time for talking/nagging or whatever is over. A full on "get this thing sorted" is needed.

You need to make this man see you as a wife and a person and not just someone who looks after him and his kids. Drastic measures are required for this one.

Amazing advice thanks ladies.. I actually made it very clear yesterday that something needs to happen as I won't go on like this.. He brought me a cup of tea in bed and toast this morning (while I fed babe), dressed dd1 and fed her brekkie.. The start of anew? Let's hope so. ;)

'One swallow does not a summer make'... It's a good start but don't relax...

I would leave him in sole care of the children in the near future, say a weekend while you go away with some old friends or go to a spa or visit family. All the men I know who have carried on being entitled and doing little with their children are secretly a bit afraid of looking after them on their own and I've noticed that all the men who are much more liberated, do more housework, do sole care (i.e. are normal dads) have mums who either work (so there are times when dad has to do his share) or go away/still have social lives just like their husbands.

You may want to wait a while to put this plan into action for a while, as the baby is tiny, but you don't get a choice whether to do sole childcare, and it will massively increase his confidence with the children if he knows he can care for his own children.

Just so you have something to compare your situation to OP.

I have a 2y9m old and ds2 who is 8 weeks. First thing in the morning my dh takes the baby and changes his nappy as I have been up in the night breastfeeding. He then gets ds1 ready and goes down to make breakfast while I bf the baby.

Sorry posted too early....

He goes to work but when he come back he cooks dinner and we both do bath and bedtime and stories.

Too early again-

During day I try to keep on top of laundry and ironing and general tidying but that's it.

We have a cleaner.

IMO when you have kids it's all hands on deck. I work ft when not on ml in a demanding job but work is a breeze compared to being at home with 2 kids.

Yes, I could leave dd1 with home but tbh worried that she'll be all over the place on return - he doesn't really know her routine. I've suggested writing down their routines so he knows what to do but them called anal

At her age he should know her routine. If he doesn't then you & he have no choice but for you to write it down. It's time he knows. Now.

(My h works v v long hours at a high pressure job & he still was involved with the kids routine from the get go - there's no excuse on his part. Calling you anal is immature & manipulative.)

Or he can have it his way - you don't write it down so he has no clue what he's doing for 2 days. See how much he enjoys that.

But I do think you need to take the step to trust him to look after your daughter on his own for a couple of days, it will help him bond with her properly, & without it, I don't know that he will ever feel completely responsible for her.

Kids are a joint project not something he can just come along for the ride...