His solo sex in the bathroom

[thirdtimemum]

Been married 17 years. Had to get up for the loo in the night & I was shocked to find him over the edge of the bath pleasuring himself. I was sooooo embarrassed to say the very least. Was at the point if I walked out would have been worse as had the door open so said I needed the loo and didn't look at him. He just sat there and suddenly threw himself forward over his knees saying he had cramps and ran out of the bathroom covering his offending items. Then found him again without shorts on doing the same in the spare room and he jumped up when I came in as if the Devil himself had walked it and pulled his shorts on. I thought the bathroom event was a one off but it began to dawn on me he has been doing this for some time.

To say I feel useless as his wife and left out is an understatment. I nearly always go to bed before him so gives him the ideal circumstances to do this. Basically I have always thought masturbation not a good idea in a long term relationship/marriage as you channel your sexual energy into yourself rather than sharing with your spouse and then you start to drift apart on a physical level and get lazy doing this on your own.

It has got to me and I am losing confidence in myself especially as I am trying to adjust to having had a mastectomy in the last 3 years. I feel paranoid about is all. In one way this has all clicked into place as had some questions over this sort of thing over the years with clues when cleaning the bathroom, etc. but have been naive and not twigged with it all.

I know men will be men but I honestly thought he didn't do that and recently when we were going to stay with relatives and again I found clues about his habits he knew I was upset and asked me what the matter
was and in the end I told him. He totally denied he had ever done that!
(Men are such fickle creatures) I was worried my family would find him in the bathroom doing that. In the end he more or less admitted he did and I told him how much he upset me by doing that. What hurts most is he always say he isn't at his best at night for sex, he wants in the mornings but hey he seems to be keen enough in the bathroom at night.

Sex has taken some adjustment to since the breast cancer and the mastectomy, he says he hasn't made a difference and I suppose I have only found out about this since the operation.

Basically I would like to know what other women think? How have they dealt with the problem is they have walked in on hubby's solo time?

I just feel so upset about all this and I suppose I have been naive over the years.

Comments please girls.

You seem to be struggling with lots of negative thoughts which I think most people would challenge.

Even the way you wrote your first post- in euphemisms much of the time- such as his'offending items' when you mean his penis, dick, call it whatever- but 'offending' makes it sound as if you think sex is dirty and should be hush-hushed.

I have to say ttm, I know just as many women who are ruled by their pants as men.
I do sympathise with you feeling uncomfortable about this. I have had significant issues in this area, leading to a no masterbation policy in our marriage. When I first caught DH mbing I felt personally rejected and it really damaged my self esteem (and i hadnt had a mastectomy).
For us, it turned out to be a symptom of another problem so I'm glad I trusted my instincts which told me there was something up. But that doesn't mean there is always a problem with it.
The main question I would ask is whether you are sexually fulfilled? If you are, it sounds like you need more reassurance from him. If not, the mbing is causing a problem and really needs to be addressed.

Well I'd be worried if I were you.

He wasn't even using porn like a normal bloke.

you are having a laugh fast, surely?

We all own our sexuality. We share it with others in varying measures.

In a long term monogamous heterosexual relationship. we share the majority of our sexual experience with our other halves.

But to say that anyone has to give up a fundamental part of their sexuality is ridiculous.

It is a bit freaky the idea that someone has to get permission from their partners to engage in sexual practices limited to themselves.

I disagree Madame. If an activity is damaging the relationship to a point where a couple is going to split up because of it, it is reasonable to agree it should stop if the relationship is to continue. For me, I wanted to have sex and DH was not able to provide this as well as mbing so either I went elsewhere or he stopped.
Only the op can judge how damaging this is in her case and I hope it isn't as big an issue as it was with us.

Personally I think there are two issues here. And the masturbating itself isn't one of them.
Firstly, having a mastectomy is a big thing to deal with, its a huge change to your body and is bound to make you feel vulnerable.
Secondly is the fact that when you asked him about it, he denied it.
Whilst I agree mbing in a long term relationship is usually not a problem, I can see in these circumstances why you feel the way you do, as I imagine it feels like some sort of rejection of you following your op?
I think anyone would find that hard.
I don't think it is a rejection of you though, I think it is perfectly healthy and normal.
To me it sounds like the biggest issue is not being able to discuss this openly and honestly with DH?

It's not surprising is it that he denied it?

OP your attitude towards this is rather intolerant and he will have understood that over the years even if it was never openly discussed.

I don't even know if you have an open and healthy attitude to sex- your posts are full of negative comments about fickle men, and their 'offending parts' Who do they offend by masturbating? You of course, not anyone else perhaps.

I know it was just a 'turn of phrase' but it seems to colour your attitude to it all. Which includes putting your own solo sex into a box with the lid firmly shut once you are in a relationship.

As I said at the start you need to separate out your feelings about yourself after your operation- maybe there are professionals who can help? And then try to work out why you feel his mbting is so dreadful- and why he feels ashamed of doing it. Is this the kind of marriage you want- where your DH has to be furtive and embarrassed about doing something that 99% of men/most women do?

I agree with Loopy, there are two issues here. And they are clearly getting muddled - understandably - because you'd probably have more resources to deal with this if you felt more confident in yourself. But if you hadn't gone through what you'd been through your behaviour would be very controlling and repressed.

Your DH needs to make sure your sexual needs ar met. What has he done to show you how much he is still attracted to you? You both need to make time for sex (although FYI it's perfectly reasonable to be too tired for sex but fancy a quick wank. DP and I will often masturbate together when we're knackered). Do you want him to satisfy you or do you just not want him to be satisfying himself?

I think a bit of masturbation would actually help you reclaim a sex life for yourself and it would be healthy if you two could talk about this. I was horny, I had a wank, this is what I thought about etc.

You do sound extremely unreasonable towards your DH's masturbation habits. Masturbation is fine and healthy within a long-term relationship. Most people find that sexuality is not a zero sum game and they actually want more the more they have. Your DH shouldn't be made to feel ashamed about doing this. But he also needs to be making sure you don't feel rejected.

Hi again and thanks for the posts and comments.

Am I comfortable with my own sexuality and sex? Yes, I most certainly am and enjoy sex with hubby. I find it satisfying and loving and this is why I don't feel the need to masturbation personally, I just don't need any further sexual enjoyment after sex.

No, of course I don't think that men only want women for sex. I had a fab relationship with a guy before marriage which had no sex involved and I was so close to him.

I don't think sex is dirty at all, no way do I think that and of course women have sexual feelings but I think men have much stronger ones.

Hubby still does make me feel attractive and always wants to engage in bedroom activities (but not at night!) but hells bells it's bloody difficult for me at times to be assured that I am still attractive with one less boob and all the scarring. I don't have a problem with having a climax ever.

Yes, I have felt the masturbation to be a rejection of me, that is the problem here and I know my problem. I know I will never feel comfortable with it and as regards the posting from Fairypants you have made a no masturbation rule in your marriage so it is not only me that is not comfortable with this.

I suspect I am much older than some of my replies and you all have a more free view of this subject and I am truly glad you are happy and comfortable with it.

I honestly don't think hubby felt ashamed when I found him, just extremely surprised. But I honestly think most men would try to cover up this from their wives, and hubby actually said that to me.

I feel I am a positive person and been extremely positive and fought like hell since the breast cancer news. Negativity does not feature in my life, even when awaiting the results of scans for secondary breast cancer this year when I was really ill and in pain I still tried to be 100% positive and planned lots of holidays. Scans were clear of which I am so thankful for.

I haven't at any time thought the masturbation has been like an infidelity at all, it's just as I said previously I haven't been comfortable with it personally. And that word personally is just that, we all have different views and idea's on life and subjects and this has been mine. It has just felt like a rejection and got to my self esteem.

Thanks again everyone for the time you have taken with your posts.

Why do you think you use language such as, "offending items"?

What do you think about previous posters' suggestion to separate the issues of the mastectomy, your sex life and your husband's masturbation and to deal with them differently?

I have the impression that you are sweeping a lot of this under the carpet and aren't much further forward - other than taking soundings here.

I think this is a tricky thread because obviously we all feel for you re. your cancer and how that has affected your self esteem and sexuality. so the temptation is not be too harsh or cause you any more upset when it's such a hard time for you.

But having said that, you have shown by your posts to be confused in some ways and also quite prejudiced.

I think the 'age' card you played here in a red herring. Your DH is 60 and you said you were 'considerably younger'- so what is that 45? 50?
I'm almost 59 and don't share or recognise many of the prejudices or stereotypical attitudes which you have, and neither do many of my generation.

You have a rather old fashioned attitudes to sex which hark back to my parents generation ( born 1920s)- such as masturbating being something you don't need to do if you have sex, men having higher sex drives, men having 'offending' parts, men being fickle,......

It's missing the point to say that because Fairy objected to her DH mbting then that's all ok and you are right. She said her DH only had enough sexual energy to either masturbate or have sex with her. That's a valid point and one most people would feel was unacceptable. But that is not your situation from what you've said.

You clearly feel your DH is out of order doing what he does. It's odd you were concerned about if before you went to see relatives- is he that indiscreet? And does he not clear up after himself re. what's left in the bath?

I think there's a lot more to this than you are saying and it's not just as simple as you feel rejected due to your operation.

I'm sorry but a 'no masturbation rule'? How on earth does that work in practice?

I haven't at any time thought the masturbation has been like an infidelity at all, it's just as I said previously I haven't been comfortable with it personally. And that word personally is just that, we all have different views and idea's on life and subjects and this has been mine. It has just felt like a rejection and got to my self esteem.

Be interesting to know how you felt about masturbation per se before your cancer and op.
You seem to be saying just because you don't feel the need then your DH isn't allowed to do it either.
You really need to get this rejection idea out of your head because it's very selfish of you and will simply make your DH feel guilty, and he'll be more furtive.

Are you considering him in all of this or just yourself?

He was probably thinking about you!

At least he wasn't leering over a computer screen.

Take it as a compliment

It's always a difficult situation when you walk in on your OH having some "alone time" but take this as an opportunity to engage in an open dialogue about how you feel about everything. It will improve things massively

OP, judging by your posts and comments, I am guessing that you hold fairly traditional views about sex, gender, and relationships. Which isn't, of itself, a problem.

To me, it sounds like there is a lot more going on here than you being upset about your husband masturbating.

First, it sounds like you are feeling desperately vulnerable, unsure of yourself as a woman, and unattractive since your mastectomy. Losing a breast must just be so devastating, as it's such a symbol of womanhood. This must be especially true after a long and arduous battle with cancer. How would you feel about writing a letter to your husband, explaining your feelings? It sounds like he loves you and would want to support you in this.

Second, you mention infidelity in the past. I have had an X cheat on me in the past, and although it gave me a lot of comfort to think that men are weak and men are pigs, I have come to realise over time that those were just defensive thoughts that I used to prevent me from grieving the betrayal. Would it maybe be worthwhile you trying to process that, a little bit, and trying to put in perspective how that situation may be impacting you now? IE you felt not good enough then as your ex cheated, and now you feel that your partner is masturbating because you are not good enough. I promise, that's not it.

Finally, it's okay to struggle with your partner masturbating. Oddly, I have no problem with the concept of it. I do it myself often, and absolutely and wholeheartedly know it enhances rather than detracts from my sex life, and that it's a separate thing really. Yet, because of some past situations, I sometimes (not always) feel vulnerable when my husband masturbates. This generally happens when I am feeling not good enough, ugly, or insecure in myself. Luckily he is very understanding of my past and he is very open with me, and so we have managed to come to an understanding that works for us- I don't mind if he does it, as long as he finds a way (even jokingly) to tell me. This took some communication, but it works for us. You need to talk openly to your husband to find out what works for you.

What doesn't work is you talking to us about how you are feeling, and him locking himself in the bathroom, feeling like a naughty child!

Give yourself time to reflect and be compassionate to yourself. You have been through a lot.

You need to talk to him. Find out why he is doing it and explain your feelings. It might be an awkward conversation but it is now an elephant in the room.

I'd want to know how long he'd been doing this. Is it years?

I don't think it's an age thing imo. I am thoroughly uninterested in some things that others my age may consider par for the course. It's a personal view thing.
I would comment also that having been through ivf and trying to conceive, I ended up actively encouraging one on one time for practical reasons. And reminding him to do it!

Would you mind telling us your age? I think your opinions are quite old fashioned with regards to this. Don't mean that to be offensive but I think sometimes it helps for us to understand you and your values a bit more.

I tell you what, if someone tried to impose a "rule" on me with regard to what I was or wasn't allowed to do with my own body, I would be out of the door faster than you can say Jack Robinson!!

Op I agree that you seem to have a very buttoned up attitude to wanking. Even the language you use is sort of repressed about it. I think you need to see it more as just a normal part of life, sex and relationships. Not a personal affront to you.

Hope you're ok and can have a proper conversation with your DH rather than you being disapproving and him being defensive like a parent and child.

Here I am again. To answer some of your questions I am 50 regarding age.

Yes, felt very vulnerable and unfeminine this last year or so re the surgery.

Him being discreet? Well as I said in a previous post our bedroom is next to the bathroom, the bedroom door is open, the bathroom door is open, not locked and the light is on. So you would have to decide how discreet that is being. Obviously he has thought I have been asleep and I have never got my energy or get up and go back properly since the chemo.

Actually I have written him a letter as suggested which was generally about our marriage and what has happened to me.

I do have traditional family views, at the end of the day I asked how other partners responding finding their other halves doing this rather than analyzing me. That is what I wanted to find out from this.

I don't know how long this has been going on, some years I would have thought from your posts!

Ok I'll tell you how I respond. We talk about it when we do it when we are apart. We do it in front of each other as part of our sex life. My dp finds it sexy that I do it. I find it perfectly normal that he does it.

I'm sorry you are feeling unfeminine. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through and have been through.

But I think you need to drop your shoulders and relax about this issue a bit. It's not a big deal IMHO and certainly not a dirty little secret. And if you just have a sensible and open conversation with your DH about it I'm sure you'll both feel happier

TTM

You asked for other women's opinions and that is what you are getting. What you are NOT getting is everyone saying you are right and that they would agree with you.

You can't post about something that your partner does and somehow try to separate that from who you are and what you believe.

What is the connection between 'traditional family values' and masturbating?

What are 'traditional family values' anyway?

Would you say that these 'values' also mean you don't approve of sex before marriage for example?

If you had not had cancer, and your DH was doing this, would it bother you?

I think you need to analyse yourself! That's what people here are trying to help you with.

Is your unhappiness on this down to the fact you feel unattractive - and he's not reassuring you enough? Or is it that you think masturbating has no place in a marriage at all? This is a very important distinction.

I think there have been more than enough posts here of which 99% say that men and women masturbate in and out of marriage and it's not a sin.

I'm nearly 10 years older than you and I don't think age has anything to do with this.

I think most men just do, I always joke to dh that he is doing that in the bathroom, even though every time I walk in he is sat on his phone playing bloody candy crush while going for a poo, he says he does not but I don't care really.

It does not reflect on you though I had an ex who could have sex 5 times a day and would still sort him self out too. I've also had an ex who basically lived in my pocket and never sorted him self out.. Both where idiots

You have been though a lot it's understandable to be feeling the way you are but as you said pre op you would not of reacted the same