His solo sex in the bathroom

[thirdtimemum]

Been married 17 years. Had to get up for the loo in the night & I was shocked to find him over the edge of the bath pleasuring himself. I was sooooo embarrassed to say the very least. Was at the point if I walked out would have been worse as had the door open so said I needed the loo and didn't look at him. He just sat there and suddenly threw himself forward over his knees saying he had cramps and ran out of the bathroom covering his offending items. Then found him again without shorts on doing the same in the spare room and he jumped up when I came in as if the Devil himself had walked it and pulled his shorts on. I thought the bathroom event was a one off but it began to dawn on me he has been doing this for some time.

To say I feel useless as his wife and left out is an understatment. I nearly always go to bed before him so gives him the ideal circumstances to do this. Basically I have always thought masturbation not a good idea in a long term relationship/marriage as you channel your sexual energy into yourself rather than sharing with your spouse and then you start to drift apart on a physical level and get lazy doing this on your own.

It has got to me and I am losing confidence in myself especially as I am trying to adjust to having had a mastectomy in the last 3 years. I feel paranoid about is all. In one way this has all clicked into place as had some questions over this sort of thing over the years with clues when cleaning the bathroom, etc. but have been naive and not twigged with it all.

I know men will be men but I honestly thought he didn't do that and recently when we were going to stay with relatives and again I found clues about his habits he knew I was upset and asked me what the matter
was and in the end I told him. He totally denied he had ever done that!
(Men are such fickle creatures) I was worried my family would find him in the bathroom doing that. In the end he more or less admitted he did and I told him how much he upset me by doing that. What hurts most is he always say he isn't at his best at night for sex, he wants in the mornings but hey he seems to be keen enough in the bathroom at night.

Sex has taken some adjustment to since the breast cancer and the mastectomy, he says he hasn't made a difference and I suppose I have only found out about this since the operation.

Basically I would like to know what other women think? How have they dealt with the problem is they have walked in on hubby's solo time?

I just feel so upset about all this and I suppose I have been naive over the years.

Comments please girls.

I think it's a little naïve of you to think he never masturbates. Also I'm astonished that you don't think there's room for masturbation in a long-term relationship. If he was masturbating so much that your sex life was non-existent, it might be a problem. As it is, the 'no sex at night' thing probably needs addressing. But why would your family have walked in on him? It's taken you at least 17 years so he's been pretty discreet about it up to now.

Thanks for your reply. I don't know why he never want's sex at night, he just says it isn't his best time and has always said that.

As regards my family, we were off to stay with relatives and I was frightened he wouldn't lock the bathroom door when we stayed there.

Yes, I am sure I have been naive. Was married before for 18 years and never came across this.

I still don't think it is a good idea in a long term relationship, somehow I have always thought this was the stuff of hormonal teenage boys or men without a partner. Hubby is 60, I am somewhat younger than him.

You know I am so glad there is a site like this now available to discuss delicate issues with other women.

Do you understand a bit about my mastectomy? I am sure any woman would.

Thanks.

I used to feel very threatened by my XH wanking when he thought I was asleep at night, as if it meant I wasn't good enough for him. But often it was because I was too tired for sex so he saw to himself without a fuss. When I considered it rationally I realised I was being insecure because I felt unattractive and unlovable.
Can you talk to him about how it makes you feel? Is he kind?

I understand about the mastectomy and the way it would make you feel less confident sexually. Equally, I'm sure he never meant you to trip over him having a wank. It's actually a good opportunity to have a talk about intimacy, express yourselves, be honest about feelings/fears, work out a few boundaries (get a lock for the bathroom door!) and maybe you'll end up closer.

I think masturbation and sex are completely separate. Both me and my partner do it, and we have sex, and masturbation can be a part of your sex life.

I often don't want sex at night but will masturbate to relax, dp probably does so in the evenings too. I really don't mind.

Our sex life is good but I think masturbation is natural and enjoyable and not dirty or only for teenagers

Yes, I have spoken to him. He is kind to a point but not a lot of patience and thinks I am emotional on some issues but I feel women are more than men.

As regards him being discreet about it from the first post reply, well our bedroom is next to the bathroom. Our bedroom door is open, he has had the bathroom door open and not locked, with the light on and I have thought it pretty risky myself.

It's a pretty difficult topic to discuss and I just haven't felt I could discuss it with him until we were due to go away and stay with friends. It was only because of that that I finally spoke to him. I suppose I have to comfort myself he isn't having an affair and as far as I know he isn't using porn but quite honest I am beginning to wonder now. I asked him about this and he said no, but then he totally denied he was ever doing it to start with!

If your sex life is disappointing because he wanks too much, that's one thing. But it is his choice to masturbate, and I don't see the justification for expecting him never to do it.

I'm struck by how much you seem to have life divided along gender lines.

I know mu partner does it. I do it too. To be totally honest I kind of understand not always wanting sex at night and prefering it in the morning. At night I am mostly tierd and ready for bed ( to sleep!)

I understand your insecurities about the mastectomy. But I think ots a totally seperate thing.

Ive walked in on my partner a few times.....I thi k the first time he didnt realise I was there so I threw a wet cold flannel at his back and laughed at him

Other times ive just left him to it. I really think its natural. As others have said if its replacing your sex life then tjere are some issues that need to be talked about.....but if its not then thats a different story.

Has he always known your views?

Have you never masturbated ttm?

Masturbation and sex are not the same thing at all. I'm also struck by your negative comments about men being 'fickle creatures' and 'boys will be boys' because that's totally bollocks. Women masturbate too however I don't think there is any need to lie about it.

Couple of issues here:

1. You need to talk to him about your mastectomy and how it's making your feel.
2. Is he lying because you are so judgey about wanking?

I have always thought masturbation not a good idea in a long term relationship/marriage as you channel your sexual energy into yourself

Nope. You have a sexual identity and autonomy of your own, it is not subsumed by a relationship. Ditto comments people have made about 'men will be men' - Women masturbate and so they should if they wish because it is enjoyable.

But it must feel very upsetting when you've had a mastectomy and have lost sexual confidence, and I'm really sorry :(

You need to try and talk to him, but you ought to get a lock for the bathroom door as well and encourage him to use it. It's one thing to masturbate but if you know your partner would be upset by it then you shouldn't expose them to it really. It's quite nice for most bathroom stuff to remain private. I wouldn't want to walk in on someone's private time having a wank, I wouldn't want to watch them floss their teeth, cut their toenails or take a dump either.

I think you need to accept that this is your issue. You can make clear to him that you don't want to know or talk about it, but that's a very different thing to controlling your partner by telling them what they can/can't do with their own body. From the little you've written here I wonder if your black and white view of sexuality/gender roles has forced his hand a bit in fibbing about it, tbh I don't think I don't think I would feel comfortable admitting to you if you were my partner about masturbating for fear of your hostile reaction.

Don't forget OP has had a mastectomy recently, be kind.

You poor thing, you sound all at sea with this.
I can't imagine what you're doing through with your confidence after cancer. Hugs to you.

Try to think about the masturbation separately to your feelings about your body currently. I guarantee that him madturbating is not a reaction to that, or a rejection of you.

Masturbation isn't the same as sex, it doesn't replace it - and it doesn't take away from it. I'm sure I won't be alone when I tell you that I masturbate MORE when I'm sexually active.

I can tell from how you write as well as what you say that you struggle with the idea of it.

Please believe me, it's normal, natural - and not the exclusive preserve of teenage boys and the single.

Can you focus on you, what you need? Not stopping him masturbating, but what will make you happy? Do you need him to kiss you, to tell you he still loves you after surgery? If so, tell him that, instead of focusing on masturbation discussions.

Don't let him off the hook saying that women are more emotional. You've been through a lot, you deserve a husband that will listen to your feelings.

I would recommend you forgive the lie about not doing it - given your obvious discomfort with the subject, I can see why he lied. He shouldn't have done, it's not your fault - but it makes it feel forgiveable, to me.

I would accept that he masturbates, and approach your feelings of attractiveness separately.

Sorry you are going through this after your operation.

You need to separate some things here: sex, masturbation and your operation.
Sorry to ask but you have had cancer? How long ago? How are you now? Does your DH understand how you feel and does he show his love for you in other ways except in the bedroom?

Maybe you need to ditch some of your rather narrow and outdated ideas? Most people- men and women- masturbate. It's not a case of being married, sex on tap, no need to masturbate. If you think that then you are naive really.

Do you feel masturbation is wrong, per se, and something that's done furtively and not mentioned?

It sounds like it.

Your DH masturbating is not a sign he doesn't fancy you, which is what you seem to be saying- you feel rejected? And you feel this rejection is down to your operation maybe?

Have you discussed how you feel after your mastectomy? Did you have a reconstruction? Has he done anything to reassure you that he still finds you attractive? These are the things that are important to your marriage- not his masturbating.

He clearly knows that you think it's wrong which is why he tries to hide it. But at the same time he isn't being very clever over where and when he does it- maybe he wants you to discover him?

At his age it is possible that he has erection problems and maybe sex is difficult for him. But using his hand is different and he might find it easier to get aroused solo without any pressure to perform. Have you considered this?

You call him 'fickle' but what you wrote is not an example of him being fickle- it's an example of his lying. Fickle means changing your mind at whim. He chose to deny something because he knew you'd disapprove.

Can you have a conversation with him about this and tell him you see his habit as a rejection - and then he can tell you it's not at all.

Ok, thanks everyone for their comments.

To clarify a few points here. Yes, there is a lock on our bathroom door!

Thank you to Maypoledancer that she is understanding regarding my mastectomy, I truly appreciate that.

Have I ever done this? A couple of a times as a teenager, but can honestly say since been in two marriages have not felt the need to do this as happy with the sex. And that is probably why I have struggled with my hubby on this as felt it has been a personal reflection on me.

As I being judgey on this? Well yes I suppose I am but have found it difficult to deal with. We have never actually discussed it before and I am sure loads of couples never have.

I still think men are fickle creatures at times, they are so weak when it comes to sex and sexual issues.

Maybe if I find him in there again, I ought to ask him does he need a helping hand and make light of it!!!!

You can't generalise that men are weak fickle creatures around sex. Some people enjoy masturbation, don't discuss it especially, and it doesn't make them weak.

What do you mean when you say that men are "weak" when it comes to sexual issues?

To answer a few more questions have have come on.

Yes, it has been cancer. Three lots of surgery, chemo, drug. You dam well name it and I have had it. But golly grateful to still be here. The whole thing is just vile and whilst on the subject would urge all women to go immediately to Drs if suspect anything wrong and go for mammograms when offered. It was 3 years ago and still under the oncologist and had some horrible scares since.

He was with me when all the dressings came off after breast removal and he didn't flinch of which I was very grateful about. Been good about it generally I feel. Must give credit where it is due.

I honestly don't think I would have been so upset about this if it was pre-surgery.

And I can tell from the replies yes, I have been

Just got cut off! I have been naive I know that.

Wasn't offered a reconstuction from the surgeon, he said due to the severe nature of the cancer wanted to leave the area free for some time. And quite honestly I just want to get on with my life.

I struggle to understand what you mean by men are fickle creatures.

Explain?

Surely no gender is any more or less fickle than the other?

I think loads of couples have discussed this or don't even feel the need to because they accept it as normal.

My DH sometimes masturbates alongside me in bed if I'm too tired for sex but he's feeling frisky. He feels it's more fun for him with me lying alongside having a cuddle. I don't mind at all and often get quite turned on so it's win-win for him

If our sex life has been a bit in the doldrums I will ask him if he's masturbated at all recently and he'll tell me the truth.

Likewise, if we have sex and I don't orgasm he's quite sweet about 'leaving me alone' to finish the job if he thinks that is something I might want to do. (Unlike him I can't do it with an audience.)

I think you need to lighten up and also wise-up on what is 'normal' sexuality- you do sound a bit uptight and naive.

And he really should rinse off anything he deposits in the bath, why should you have to scrape off his dried jizz!

Men being weak and fickle creatures? What do I mean by that? Well exactly what I say. I think men are much to motivated by sex and willing to risk all for a quick fling i.e. as first hubby did. Honestly think they are ruled by the contents of their trousers at times, I really do. I didn't mean that masturbation makes men weak.

Of course we all think differently on things and I am being honest and saying how I feel.

But why let something that happened in your first marriage influence this? This is not about infidelity- unless you have associated masturbation with rejection similar to infidelity.
You need to really think about and be honest with the connections you are making because they aren't logical- they are based on your own prejudices.

Are you comfortable with your own sexuality or do you have double standards where you think all men want from women is sex, and women have to succumb? Do you feel women have sexual desire themselves or is sex something they 'give' to men, for the men's pleasure?