He took off his wedding ring....

[perrinelli]

I'm not quite sure what's going on and whether I've been really unreasonable towards DH or not.
He has a long working day and a long commute. We have 2 DC (2 and 5) who are quite tricky to put to bed at the moment as they've recently started sharing a room.
I wanted to go out last night to a church thing for one hour 8-9pm. A relative kindly agreed to come and look after the kids til DH got jolt about 8.30. I made sure they were in bed before I left and told them firmly not to come downstairs. Unfortunately they did. When DH got back they were both down and awake and the relative legged it out the door leaving DH to sort them out. They run rings round him and the older one apparently spent about 40mins shouting she wanted mummy. When I got back about 9.15 he opened the door pointed upstairs and told me to 'sort them out' which I did.
Later in bed I said I felt a bit trapped and that I could never go out in the evening.
He said 'too bad' which really annoyed me. I felt I should tell him that response upset me before we went to sleep. He went to sleep in the spare room, leaving his wedding ring on the bedside table. He's never done that before and I cried myself to sleep. He has to get up v early (5.30) so I didn't see him but he has taken his ring with him. I just tried to call him at work but he didn't answer. I feel horrible about it. Obviously it was horrible for him to come home and have to deal with two pickly dc not going to bed but shouldn't I be able to go out sometimes? Agh! We're rubbish at talking things through!

Take off your own wedding ring.

He is a bully and a crap father.

Sorry you're married to such a selfish and unpleasant man. Really, dry your tears and see him for what he is. Don't call him at work, don't feel horrible and don't even think about apologising. He's gone OTT making your life miserable so that you think twice about ever going out for an hour.... it's bullying and controlling. Don't tolerate it.

"Agh! We're rubbish at talking things through!"

This is what needs to be solved. Instead of talking, he's withdrawing (and making gestures which show hurt/anger) and you're miserable and trying to deal with it alone.

It doesn't help that his working pattern means he is under-skilled in parenting his own DC, nor that it currently means you are not getting a break.

The relative might be a convenient person to ask, but s/he was a crap babysitter - always like that or one-off? Can you find a better one? That then gives you more options about choosing when you go out.

And perhaps some of those times should be alone with DH in order to get back into the habit of talking to each other. This won't yield immediate results as you're probably out of practice. But if you can get communicate going at any level, you can then move from that to really working on the thornier issues to be tackled. One of which being how he can improve his parenting skills (my pet solution would be to leave him in charge for a weekend and just let him get on with it, work input the bits he doesn't know).

So you have to deal with them all day and night and he had to try to handle 45 minutes and couldn't do it!!???
Wow!
Listen to Cogito she is ALWAYS right!

Oh - and... I don't mean to scare you, but when my ExDH started to remove his wedding ring, he was having an affair!

This man doesn't want to 'talk things through' because it would mean he might actually have to do something about his behaviour rather than blame the OP.

Please don't apologise to him OP. Please.

that's very unkind of him and I have nothing helpful to say I'm afraid. It's all been said by the other posters.

Is this normal behaviour from him? The sulking and bullying?

If so, he is as the others said, 100% in the wrong and HE needs to say sorry, not you. If this was out of character, then you never know, he might have had the day from hell and taken it out on you when you got home because this was the straw that broke his back. However, he still needs to be the one to say sorry because you don't behave like that to your partner.

I'd think carefully about the relationship if he is always so selfish, but be more forgiving if he says sorry and it was a one off.

" I said I felt a bit trapped and that I could never go out in the evening.
He said 'too bad' which really annoyed me. "

This is not a one off. The OP can 'never go out in the evening'.

He sounds like a bully. Do you ever get time for yourself?
Don't phone him. Do have a conversation when he gets in. Please don't apologise you have done nothing WTO g and he is an arse.
Do you have much rl support around you to help out?

Put him in charge of bedtime from now on, as he needs to get used to putting them in bed.
Or he can go.

It wasn't horrible for him to come home and have to deal with two DC. You did and did it successfully. Unlike him.
You didn't take off your wedding ring, even though he treated you appallingly. You should really have told him to be a father and do it himself when he told you to sort them out.

He went to sleep in the other room because you told him you felt a bit trapped or because you were upset at his crap response?

Do not apologise.
And, BTW, he's rubbish. And he doesn't talk things through. He ignores you (too bad) or blackmails you (wedding ring).

Thankyou for your responses.
I know it's a big issue that we can't talk things through properly, and to the poster who said 'get back to talking things through' the problem is I'm not sure we ever were good at that.
I asked my sister to come last night as a favour and I think she was hoping not to have to do much as Id said I would put them to bed.
The commute (which only got so long when we moved a couple of months ago) is definitely taking its toll on him but its always been me who takes a lead at bedtime because he finds it hard to be firm and they're always v excited to see him.
It's not out of character for him to find it hard to talk things through but the taking off of his ring did shock and upset me - that is out of character. He had been drinking wine, not sure how much of a factor this is.

Not to say its my fault but I do feel like I mismanaged the whole thing. Because it was last minute I didn't prep the girls about me going out and their auntie coming as I thought then they'd definitely come down because they wanted to see her. Probably paying someone rather than asking her for a favour would be better in future.
I have gone away for hen weekends before and DH has coped brilliantly apart from finding bedtime difficult but in those cases I think he's psyched himself up for it and given it all his attention.
I think he was totally knackered last night.

About the ring thing.... He doesn't even know I noticed as he did it in the dark, I waited til he'd gone to the spare room then checked the bedside table because I heard a clink. I think I'll wait to see if he's put it on and see how things are tonight. I won't call again. I hope he will be contrite otherwise I'm not sure where we go from here.

He was very unkind, and he was also unreasonable.

I come home from full-time work and either do or help with bath time. Every night. Because once both parents are home, then I think the workload should be shared. Not necessarily always, and not necessarily equally, but still shared. No parent ever gets to just shrug and abdicate all responsibility to the other.

And yes, doing bath and bed time is hard when you have been at work all day. Almost as hard, in fact, as doing it when you've been at home with the children all day. It is always fairly demanding, but depending on the children's mood, it can be really fraught. Yesterday was tantrum city. You just have to get on with it.

They run rings round him and the older one apparently spent about 40mins shouting she wanted mummy.

That part of it is his problem, frankly.He didn't handle it well, he lets them run rings round them. His fault. He needs to get better at managing his children, rather than insisting you never again leave him with them. You need to go out more.

He went to the spare room because I'd said I was upset at him saying 'too bad'. It was late and I think he didn't want to discuss it.
Unfortunately he can't be in charge of bedtime because he gets in at 7.30-8.30 which is too late. Sounds awful but its a lot easier at that time if he's not back as the girls get over excited if he comes home in the middle.
Our recent house move brought us more space, a more pleasant living environment, very close to my parents and sister but meant a very long journey for him. I accepted that I wasn't going to be able to go out in the eve as much because he wouldn't be back in time.

I've felt like you before. It is awful to feel like you can't even hand the reins to somebody else for an hour. He's their dad ffs!

He was very unkind to you- both by saying 'too bad' and by taking his ring off. The ring thing was a spiteful thing to do- designed to really upset you. Does he do things to upset you in other ways?

You need to find a way for you two to really discuss this properly.

So the taking ring off thing was in reaction to you sending him to the spare room.

Give it time and space today (don't call him again) and talk it through tonight.

I didn't send him to the spare room, he just went. I didn't want to go to sleep on an argument so I guess I was hoping he'd apologise for his 'too bad' comment and explain he'd had a bad day/was v tired from the commute/upset he couldn't settle the girls without them wanting me etc. but I suppose that's not his style so I'm left guessing and trying to imagine his point of view.

Oh right...in that case he was out of order. I thought it had kind of just escalated and you'd asked him to go to the spare room. In that case I think he ws really unkind to you :( I think he owes you an apology op. you should be able to go out for the night and leave him in charge without all of this. Basically he couldn't handle the dc and lost his rag with you. Not on.

There's always weekends. :)

Just to be clear, you didn't send him? He went because you said you were upset?

How long is the commute?
I have always worked and commuted for about one hour each way and always managed to put DS in bed, spend time with him in the evening and not be a bitch to exH, who was a sahp. (He was a bastard, but that's another story)
I got home earlier than him, just saying that the commute should not make him behave like this.

Ups, cross post.

My ex could never explain his view with words either..always with actions. The second guessing and 'assuming' what they feel is wearing and exhausting. I feel for you.

You're wasting far too much time trying to get inside his head. His behaviour was wrong, you're owed a BIG apology and of course you should be able to go out and socialise without your DCs and not come home to offensive behaviour from him.

Also, and while exH was a twat, sometimes I had to go away for work and he'd do bed times, even though I always did with DS, he was very attached to me.

There is absolutely no reason for your H not to be able to put the children in bed.

I'm left guessing and trying to imagine his point of view.

Why should you?
Listen to him and watch him.
He doesn't care. He thinks it's too bad you can't get out. He thinks it's only your responsibility to put the children in bed.
He would rather sleep in another room than acknowledge that he hurt you.
He takes off his wedding ring, in front of you and leaving it there on the bedside table for you to stare at all night.

I think he's expressing himself very well.

Your house move sounds rather divisive. Is there any way he can get a job closer to home? I know not easy in the recession. Sounds like you won't see nearly so much of each other and your children will continue to need you much more/he won't cope with them because he can take less of an active role in parenting them. You've also snookered yourself a bit with the being able to have a life in the evening thing because he gets home so late so if you do go out you see even less of each other and he comes home to a babysitter.

"much closer to my parents and sister" is nice for you but less easy for him. He might end up feeling marginalised in his own family and you will grow apart still further.

I say this because dh and I moved to somewhere for a nicer home and better quality of life. He resented taking on a long commute and having been a commuter myself for four of the last ten years I know how wearing it is, it grinds you down after a while. And getting up at 5.30 is hideous.

My husband became very ratty and felt sorry for himself, resented me for living what he saw was the life of Riley at home (never mind that I was run ragged looking after my two dd and felt isolated). He saw himself as more deserving of a social life than me because he worked so hard.

I think you need to sit down and talk openly about the new lifestyle you have now and what is and isn't working for you. My husband and I are no longer together, there were other issues, mostly things that happened in my life that changed my perspective, but the rot set in when we moved and I often think we should have listened to each other more about our difficulties adapting. Irony is we did it for a better life but the lovely house we had and great local schools... were they worth our marriage ending?

I'm not making excuses for him being so horrible to you. His behaviour was horrible and you need to talk about that too, and why he has behaved with so little respect and kindness towards you.