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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He took off his wedding ring....

42 replies

perrinelli · 05/11/2013 10:23

I'm not quite sure what's going on and whether I've been really unreasonable towards DH or not.
He has a long working day and a long commute. We have 2 DC (2 and 5) who are quite tricky to put to bed at the moment as they've recently started sharing a room.
I wanted to go out last night to a church thing for one hour 8-9pm. A relative kindly agreed to come and look after the kids til DH got jolt about 8.30. I made sure they were in bed before I left and told them firmly not to come downstairs. Unfortunately they did. When DH got back they were both down and awake and the relative legged it out the door leaving DH to sort them out. They run rings round him and the older one apparently spent about 40mins shouting she wanted mummy. When I got back about 9.15 he opened the door pointed upstairs and told me to 'sort them out' which I did.
Later in bed I said I felt a bit trapped and that I could never go out in the evening.
He said 'too bad' which really annoyed me. I felt I should tell him that response upset me before we went to sleep. He went to sleep in the spare room, leaving his wedding ring on the bedside table. He's never done that before and I cried myself to sleep. He has to get up v early (5.30) so I didn't see him but he has taken his ring with him. I just tried to call him at work but he didn't answer. I feel horrible about it. Obviously it was horrible for him to come home and have to deal with two pickly dc not going to bed but shouldn't I be able to go out sometimes? Agh! We're rubbish at talking things through!

OP posts:

everlong · 05/11/2013 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesterdayI · 05/11/2013 11:46

Do you work?

Sorry if you have already mentioned this.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/11/2013 11:50

It is pathetic he couldn't manage to get them back in bed and settled without getting so frustrated. Perhaps he knows its pathetic and that is why he got so rattled. He shouldn't have taken it out on you. He shouldn't take his tiredness out on you either. He agreed to the move presumably? You didn't hold a gun to his head??

elastamum · 05/11/2013 11:52

So heres the script...

You dont get to go out much as your H works late.

When you do go out he throws a strop. You then decide that it isnt worth the angst, so you dont go out anymore. He has very effectively got control of you by his actions.

I think you need to nip this in the bud OP. He is totally unreasonable.

You left him with HIS young children - not a pack of wild animals!

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/11/2013 12:14

what a twat!! Taking his ring off and having a strop - dont ring him - he is in the wrong

he is their dad and should be able to 'control' and look after his kids and be able to discipline them/send them to bed

on the other hand your children are running rings round him as know they can - he should have taken them upstairs and put to bed, read them a story and gone downstairs

does he ever do bedtime at weekends

you both need to sit down and talk, you should be able to go out in the evenings/have a life, so also a word to your children esp the 5yr who is old enough to know better/do as told and stay in bed when asked

Original poster

perrinelli · 05/11/2013 12:19

Thankyou for all your responses, im trying to process it all and take it on board.

in terms of work, I am professionally qualified at something (trying not to out myself) but at the moment just do a few hours a week visits and writing up from home during school time. Younger dd is at nursery 2 mornings/wk.
The move has been v positive for me and I've been very happy. I'm pleased to be working less and could find more hours if I wanted it. I have been happy with the greater distinction in our roles and have felt DH deserves some 'looking after' in terms of cooking etc because of his long journey. Just last weekend DH was saying he too felt it had been a good decision and the increased quality of life was worth it. Even before we moved, in London he was away 6.30am to 7.30pm so its not that different.
I think a positive move would be for him to take a more active role at bedtime at the weekend and not just do it myself brcause its easier/I'm used to it.

I think a lot will hinge on how things go tonight and if he apologises. I'm terrified he won't actually but fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Original poster

perrinelli · 05/11/2013 12:23

And maybe putting the kids in the same room was a mistake. Before the 2yo at least would go down fine. He used to manage ok if only one was tricky but in the past has always phoned me to come home if they both got upset/challenging at the same time which was quite unusual. But tho bedtimes have been trickier the actual nights have been far better than before with everyone staying the whole night in their own bed. Hopefully they're just still getting used to it.

OP posts:

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 05/11/2013 12:26

He was pretty horrible but I would wait to see what happened to him yesterday. Check there are no extenuating circumstances - had he had a terrible day before he got home?

So a day where he had to fire someone or something really horrible like that? Then he gets home and the kids make him feel like a crap dad as well. Then you sort it out, making him feel really crap and disconnected from the family. Then you had a bit of a moan about never getting to go out so hes a crap husband, he snaps and makes a bad answer and upsets you so he goes to the spare room......

He still should not have said 'too bad' and he still owes you an apology but based on your latest posts it's out of character so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and try not to stress out too much yourself. as long as he does come home and explain and apologise.

good luck

ScrambledSmegs · 05/11/2013 12:29

Does he really not take his wedding ring off at night normally? DH and I both take ours off. Is it at all possible that he normally does this and you only noticed he'd left it because he went to sleep in the spare room?

But I do think he was childish, stropping off to sleep in the spare room like that, and also rather drippy for not being able to get his own children to go to bed. He owes you an apology.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/11/2013 12:37

I really hope he apologises and yes, maybe try them back in the same room. At least one will play ball then!

mammadiggingdeep · 05/11/2013 12:42

Different rooms I meant..doh!

GertrudeWigglesworth · 05/11/2013 13:28

Was he more angry about you going out than the children crying? He obviously sees them as your sole responsibility which is not right and it seems like he felt put out that you weren't there.

Vivacia · 05/11/2013 13:46

If he doesn't apologise I think you need to say, "I need you to apologise for last night, because when you said X and did Y it really hurt my feelings".

whatdoesittake48 · 05/11/2013 15:33

If your husband is calling you to come home when the kids play up, he needs to be spending more time with them. What kind of world do we live in when Dad knows so little about his own children that he can't even cope with getting them into bed - it is ridiculous and he should be ashamed of himself!

I hope you didn't cut your night short to come home when he called you in the past? If you did, you set a bad precedent. he has washed his hands of the difficult kids and only wants the nice easy times.

You need to find the time as a couple for him to have more input into the kids daily routine. So before work and after work he needs to be doing stuff for them and with them and the majority on the weekend. he needs to get more confident with his own children and stop relying on you.

You need to insist on this.

Jan45 · 05/11/2013 17:08

He had a 5 year old and a 2 year old running rings around him.... He either doesn't know how to communicate with his own children or he just doesn't care. He then points upstairs to you as soon as you walk through the door and tells you to deal with his children - sorry I am just finding this hard to comprehend.

I'm just aghast at his audacity - what does he think you are, the servant and full time child minder? What about team work, being equal and supporting each other - he sounds a complete selfish self entitled prick. If I was you I'd have read him the riot act.

FolkGirl · 05/11/2013 17:52

Fucking hell, you didn't 'prep' the girls for you going out?!

When my stbxH was here, there is no way either of us would have prepped the children for the other one going out for whatever reason. Tell them yes, so that they know, but a child doesn't need to prepped for being cared for by its parent!!!

Just to put this into a bit of perspective for you...

When my stbxh and I got together my son was 14 months old. When he was 3yo I had a night out in another city with a friend. My stbxh was babysitting him overnight for the first time. My son was sick. Violently. Everywhere. But he didn't want to ruin my first proper night out since my son's birth, so he took care of it all himself. He cleaned up my son, he cleaned up the sick and he sat up with him all night. He told me as soon as I got home. I felt a little guilty when I got home, but it actually did wonders for their bonding! And my son was fine.

And your husband can't even look after his own children for 45 minutes without being a dick about it. He should be ashamed of himself.

BalloonSlayer · 05/11/2013 18:25

I think you need to say something more like: "I expect you to apologise for the fact that you were not capable of putting your own children to bed, expected me to sort it out, and then went on to be rude and aggressive. When I got home you should have been both embarrassed and extremely apologetic for being unable to do the most basic of fathering tasks. Instead you behaved as if I had done something wrong. And if you think I would be scared by your taking your ring off perhaps you ought to ask yourself how much you would actually be missed in this family, given that you are not even prepared to put your own children to bed?"

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