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Original poster

H rejects baby when angry

42 replies

hesneezes · 07/07/2006 16:39

This is really upsetting. Our baby is 2 months old and we have had alot of arguments since he was born, some in front of him. On several occasions when h had been angry with me when he's been looking after baby, he just turns round tells me to look after baby. he has even left him alone and told me to look aftr him. He says it's because he thinks i think he's a bad dad.In fact, the only thing i think he does wrong about being a dad is precisely this and he has sworn a few times infront of him. I have told him how much it bothers me but he just says i shouldn't start arguments infront of baby, which i know in theory is right, but you can't always plan when an argument will happen. Whereas he deliberately gives me baby when he's angry with me. Feel i need to talk to him about this again tonight to find out why it happens and try to make him see how wrong it is but really don't want it to escalate into another row. Advice anyone?

OP posts:
algernon · 07/07/2006 16:49

Perhaps if you try not to tell him what you don't want to happen, but try telling him what you do want to happen. That can avoid a row.
The first few months of a baby's life are very stressful - you are probably both "on the edge".

LeahE · 07/07/2006 16:59

I can see your point but OTOH your DH is probably doing the right thing (even if for the wrong reasons) not handling the baby if he's very angry.

If it's any help this stage will probably eventually pass. We virtually never argued before DS was born, but the first few months we argued a lot. You are both tired and stressed and neither of you is behaving entirely in the way that you would choose to behave given all your faculties and a good night's sleep.

If you can possibly manage it I'd try to concentrate on the positive with your DH -- when he does something well with your DS tell him so and make it clear that you think he's a great dad. The arguments will probably improve on their own given time and each of you giving each other positive reinforcement.

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 17:00

i have tried telling him what iwant, and he nearly always says he'll try to do it, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I'd hate to think that our little boy grows up thinking his daddy will reject him every time we have an argument. My own dad used to go for weeks not speaking to me when i did something to annoy him and that made me feel rejected. I starting to worry that our son could grow up to be as unhappy as i was at home

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saadia · 07/07/2006 17:00

I would really try not to argue in front of the baby, they really are very sensitive and pick up on tension. FWIW I actually think that when a person is very angry they should leave the baby in a safe place until they calm down. That is what all my baby books advised and it makes sense to me.

Shibori · 07/07/2006 17:00

Is this first baby?it is a huge shift in you and your h"s life and men and women react in different ways,i wouldnt necessarily confront him as such,try asking him how he FEELS about parenthood?based on the assumption this is baby no 1?Ive seen this reaction in 2 partners with baby no 1-both of whom went on to become loving and devoted fathers-crap partners but thats another story!

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 17:05

yes this is pur first baby. He says he loves being a dad. I could just never reject my little boy and leave him crying because i was angry - is that a man/woman difference do you think? I hope our arguments haven't damaged our baby's development?

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Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 17:11

Do you think i should bring up subject again or just leave it and see what happens in the future? really don't want any more arguing or upset

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LeahE · 07/07/2006 17:13

I think as a horribly generalised stereotypical thing (that does not apply to everyone, so please no one of any gender start throwing things at me) men get more physical when they get angry (DH definitely starts slamming things / thumping stuff down / occasionally kicking the furniture if he's really really wound up) while women get more emotional (tears, etc.).

So an angry man with a small baby is aware of the fact that at some level he wants to start thumping things, and that he doesn't like having those kind of feelings around the baby. The natural reaction is to want to put some distance between himself and the baby, partly because he's scared of what might happen. This may seem weird to the (equally angry) woman because she's experiencing her anger differently.

At least, that's my theory . What your DH is doing sounds very different from what your father used to do.

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 17:21

Thanks,hadn't thought of it that way, just seemed that he was rejecting ds as a way of getting at me. He does bang doors sometimes but mainly just shouts ( v v loudly) when angry but he has done this a few times(so have i) in front baby. Do you thinks it's best not to bring the subject up again?

OP posts:
Shibori · 07/07/2006 17:28

Maybe you both need to talk about how you BOTH are feeling?

Shibori · 07/07/2006 17:29
Smile
Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 17:34

We have talked about how we're feeling alot in the last few weeks. Our main problem is not what we argue about but often HOW we argue. The we end up arguing about how we're arguing rather than the problem which set it all off! I know this happens to alot of people but just wish it didn't - wastes so much time and causes so much unhappiness and stress

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Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 18:53

He's home now and he bought me flowers and chocolates as he thinks i such a good mummy! it's very sweet but really all i want him to do is not shout/swear and reject baby when he's angry. he says he accepts there is a difference between an argument starting and rejecting baby...so we'll see.

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Shibori · 07/07/2006 19:34

It sounds like hes overwhelmed by it all-hes rejecting himself-not his child?

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 20:07

what do you mean about him rejecting himself?

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Shibori · 07/07/2006 20:13

I wondered if he doesnt trust his role as a daddy,freaked out by the responsibility?if thats the case,once he settles down,he will relax and be a fantastic father-which no doubt he already is,but its really hard adjusting to parenthood,REALLY hard,but it gets easier,must do-ive done it 4 times,15 years on the job now!

Shibori · 07/07/2006 20:15

Babies dont come with a manual!?or relationships either,x you two,enjoy your little one.xxxx

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 20:24

I got upset because he seemed to be getting angry with me and screamed at him at him that i didn't want to be married to him anymore and threw my weeding ring at him. he told me to f**k off and then called me a stupid btich and theni thumped him. I can't stand this. he said he'd never swear or call me bad names ever again - but now he has. ican't cope anymore 0 do i let it go and put it down to him being upset because me me throwing my ring at him or hate him and divorce him

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Shibori · 07/07/2006 20:29

I think you should talk to your health visitor?
babe we all row but rejecting your marriage and hitting your partner-i would query postnatal depression honey!

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 20:37

i know it's terribel. I know i shouldn't have done what i did but now he's called me a bitch and told me to f**k odd, how do i forgive him

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Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 20:56

please help - just going out of my mind here

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saadia · 07/07/2006 20:58

Sorry if I'm picking up on the wrong thing here but the impression I get from your post was that he was provoked. Yes he said some nasty things, but so did you. If the situation is becoming intolerable I would suggest that you two spend a couple of hours together with just you two, maybe go out for a meal to talk things through. Are either of your parents available to look after the baby?

Shibori · 07/07/2006 21:06

your h is going to be feeling as bad as you are?!id love chocs etc...it doesnt have to be about forgiveness-we all behave like shits when we have our backs against the wall!he loves you both........?

Shibori · 07/07/2006 21:08

i will check in this thread tomorrow.xxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
hesneezes · 07/07/2006 21:27

unfortunately our parents cannor look after the baby so no chance of belone alone for a while. Should i forgive him for saying those things. Scared next time he'll do something worse than saying horrid things. Until a few years ago he used to smash things up or disappear all night if we had a horrible argument - will leave him that that happens again but now keep thinking he'll do those things. before was worrying he'd call me horrible things ans it was keeping me awake night after night - now he has. Now i'm worrying about the next thing. can't cope anymore

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