Following on from my previous thread about unplanned pregnancy.

[HeartVHead]

So, I talked to my manager at work today and she let me go off early. DP called and I met him for lunch. We talked and he basically said that he does not want the baby. I got upset and questioned him on the things we had planned i the 3.5 years of our relationship and whether he was just a liar and someone who told people what he thought they wanted to hear.

I have come to the conclusion that whilst I could do this on my own, I don't want to. I wanted the whole package and I have to think of my other kids. So I told him if he would not support me, I would have the termination and it will happen this week while I can still have a medical termination.

So I get home and have missed calls, and call him back and he's apparantly changed his mind and doesnt want to lose me, wants the baby, wants to be a family etc.

My mind is blown. I am so not a drama person and this is so draining and I have to ask, whats to say he wont change his mind again?

I can imagine how difficult this is for you, having once been there myself...... from my experience I'd say he's telling you what he so desperately wishes he felt, as he knows it would keep you there. But the earlier reaction will keep popping up. At any rate, you are the one who has to live with your decision, and don't let anyone sway you!!

This is true :(

You clearly can't rely on him so whatever decision you make has to be based on the assumption that he won't be around. At the moment he just isn't helping so I think it would be wise to tell him to back off. Make your decision and then talk to him again with your feet firmly planted - don't let him sway you again.

I know this is really tough. Such a hard position to be in. But for now all you won't have the headspace to deal with this and with him. The pregnancy is the more urgent matter and you have to devote your energy to that.

When he said he wanted the baby, did that change your mind about the termination? I only ask because it would be terrible if you terminated in response to his lack of support and then regretted it later. If you are terminating you need to be as sure as you can that that is absolutely the right decision for you. Don't be influenced by him.

I really do not want to terminate the pregnancy. We have been together 3.5 years, had talked about having a baby, possibly next year and I do love him BUT I already have 3 kids, am 40 soon, am at Uni doing a course that I started so I can provide for the kids and I do not want to have a newborn and do it all on my own. I had that with my older kids as their Dad was useless and, whilst I know I could cope, I don't want to cope; if I am going to have another baby I want all or nothing, the whole package but, most importantly, I wanted him to want all of that as much as me and he doesn't :(

I really feel for you and have also been there myself. My DP changed is mind after I had a termination that I never wanted to have. He really regrets it and says he felt scared at the time. Who knows what he would have thought had we continued with the pregnancy.

All I can say, is as above. You have to live every day with the decision you make - and if you read on the 'pregnancy tests and choices' section, many say a surgical termination is less traumatic. So don't rush this decision if you aren't sure and I recommend counselling to help you.

Either way your relationship has been damaged and changed whatever you decide.
With that in mind l would put your P's (l hesitate to call him DP) wishes out your mind and do what you want to do.
The fact that he wanted a baby perhaps next year is a bit of a red herring as l doubt he would be any clearer in his decision making then either

Does he have any children yet?

If he doesn't, it may well be the 'normal' initial freakout.

I had it, and I had been married for 15 years and dh and I both agreed that we wanted to have children (but were told we couldn't).

Sometimes it's just the sudden realisation that this is for real and that there's no turning back if you go ahead that freaks you out temporarily.

I am now very happy with my two dc and we have the whole happy family thing going down, so it can happen.

You have said that you want to keep the baby. If you went through with termination I think your going to regret it for the rest of your life.
What a horrible situation for you to be in.

In my very early twenties I had a termination because I didn't think that I could cope and although in my heart and so I know I would have struggled there's not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby, and I have regretted my decision. I felt I had no other choice but to terminate the pregnancy as the father made it clear he did not want a child.

The only way to make the right decision for you is to take this man out if the equation as you are the one that has to live with your decision.

It's just so frightening to have to make the decision on your own.

You have said that you want to keep the baby. If you went through with termination I think your going to regret it for the rest of your life.
What a horrible situation for you to be in.

In my very early twenties I had a termination because I didn't think that I could cope and although in my heart and so I know I would have struggled there's not a day goes by that I don't think of that baby, and I have regretted my decision. I felt I had no other choice but to terminate the pregnancy as the father made it clear he did not want a child.

The only way to make the right decision for you is to take this man out if the equation as you are the one that has to live with your decision.

It's just so frightening to have to make the decision on your own.

Sorry for double post.

When you said you would terminate, did you say/imply what would happen to the relationship? On the face of it, since he doesn't want to have the baby, you would be doing what he wanted. But it doesn't sound from your post as if that's how it came across. Does he think that unless he said he wanted the baby, he would lose you? Or did you say, 'I really want this baby, but I can see it would be a big ask....I'm prepared to terminate if you're not fully on board.' Or something that might feel more of an ultimatum?

I think he's as emotionally mixed up as you are, but coming from a different direction. I think he's scared stiff at the idea of being the father of four. (That's understandable.) No, he doesn't want the baby, and I'm not sure he really wants to be a family man either. When he lived with you, did he really enjoy being with your children, or was it more that he could cope with that, if it meant being able to be with you?

You know him; we don't. Yes, if he were there to support you, with finances and time, it would be easier. But it'd still be difficult for practical reasons. Do you think he would be able to cope or would there be a time when it'd be too much? And would he feel trapped in a situation that he'd never really wanted?

Sorry, not much help. Just trying to see it from his pov because whether he's going to be around long term is obviously relevant to your decision.

Do you think he meant it when he said he wanted a baby with you next year? If he did and you are 40 then he is a moron for telling you to terminate this year and it might well be that this is just initial shock.

But it's possible he never wanted a baby, not when it was hypothetical and not now it's real. You need to talk to him but you're not going to get anywhere while he's still bouncing all over the place.

I think you have to make any decisions assuming the worst case scenario, both about his abilities to step up and your relationship's chance of surviving. How easily could you raise four kids alone versus how would you really feel about terminating?

I had an abortion and never for a moment regretted it. But others here have shared their doubts. You have to weigh up what you want and more importantly what you can cope with, but you're not going to have a painless option in this I'm afraid.

Well, on the face of it that's brilliant news, yes?

Let it settle for a few days and see if the volte face sticks.

I don't think you should automatically assume he doesn't genuinely want it, it might be that he's just got over the panic and it'll all work out. Everything crossed for you.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, I can't speak to many people IRL so I really do appreciate it.

Itsmeisntit, I agree with you and the suggestion that this year's conception isn't convenient but next year's might be is ridiculous for many reasons, not least because I will not put myself in this position with him ever again.

Thymeout, I did lay my cards on the table, yes; now or never etc as I do need to resolve this. When he said he'd changed his mind, I said he needed to think that through as I am trying to make an informed choice and not one based lies (like the rest of our relationship apparantly is...). I am pretty angry that he has patronized me for most of our relationship; if he had said he didnt ?now whether he wanted kids or deffo did not want them I could have decided whether I wanted a relationship with him, instead he has dangles a carrot and now it is too late for me to potentially have abother child with someone who did want the same things as me.

Liars, no he has no other kids but the time has come to stop ducking about.

Iamgluezilla, I totally agree and have thought the same

.

Bunchoffives, superficially it is good news, other than I cant believe a word he says now :-(

I'm thinking that you have to decide what to do by putting him out of the equation. The changing of his mind so suddenly makes me wonder if he will change it back at some point just as quickly when you may no longer be in the position to chose what to do regarding this pregnancy.

How far along are you in the pregnancy and how long do you have to make you decision--a momentous one at that. Please remember that it is you that has to live with the consequences of your decision-whether you terminate or not.
He can just up sticks and walk away.
Good luck l wish you well

Thank you :) I'm still in a quandry. I've an appointment next week for a medical termination, I made the appointment because if that is what I have to do then that is my preferred option. I do not want an anaesthetic if avoidable.

So you want the baby, he is now saying that he wants the baby. Yet you still have a termination booked?

If you want to get rid of the baby then stop using him as an excuse, or making him be the bad guy.

He now says he wants it so if you get rid, then get rid because you want to, and own your decision.

You talked of having a baby next year and so presumably you wanted one too. Well, now you've got one - for better or worse you are a mother again. What you do with it is up to you.

Have you read the thread, Poop?

OP would like to have the baby, but, with 3 children, and long shifts, and many years of struggle as a lone parent, cannot face the idea of doing it alone. She is worried about the effect it would have on her dcs, if she were trying to do it without support.

Her DP has already changed his mind at least twice. He has had v little experience of family life. They are not currently living together. He has already expressed concern as to whether they can afford it. She doesn't trust him not to change his mind again leaving her, literally, holding the baby.

Whatever she decides, she needs sympathy and understanding - not harsh words from you.

My words are not harsh. They are practical.

If she decides she needs to have an abortion - for whatever reason - then she should own that decision, not make it the fault of her OH.

At the end of the day, he is what he is, and that is clearly someone that cannot be relied upon. He now says he wants the baby and to be a family. I hear OP giving lots and lots of reasons for getting a termination, and so I suspect this is what she wants. Her body, her baby growing inside it, her decision - she needs to be fully aware that she makes this decision alone and will live with it alone, insider her own soul, for the rest of her life, so she needs to be clear about her motivations and not look for external reasons. It's not really that kind of decision, in the end.

My husband of 10 years, together 14 recently admitted that our four children were instrumental in our marriage failing. He behaved appalling but I can see why he'd want some escapism it's bloody hard work and stretches you in ways you could simply never predict. I honestly think you want super dad next time if you have another, you and the children deserve that.

Poop, Iamgluezilla and Thymeout seem to understand the situation better. Yes, he has (so say) changed his mind but he has done that before and it is now obvious that he has told me what he thinks I want to hear. I do not want to terminate a pregnancy, I never thought I would be in this position, I am a very responsible person but his 'decision' is without conviction and I have no doubt that he will not last the distance. My children have been through an awful lot and I cannot put them through this. You might say I am 'not owning' the decision and that is because it is not a choice I would make but one I feel I have to make because I am between a rock and a hard place. I am not blaming anyone, though I do feel patronised and hurt that a grown man who I have been in a relationship with for 3.5 years and who I have known for 17 years has so little respect for me that he cannot even be honest.

Mosman, thank you for your kind words, they made me smile. Hell might freeze over before super Dad appears ;-)