How do I forgive his drunken kisses?

[pensiveasusual]

I've recently found out that my DH of 11 months has drunkenly kissed a work colleague on three separate occasions. I've known OW as his colleague for a few years and have had a few nights out with her, and I've always been wary of her because I could tell she fancied my DH - flirting with him, spending all night talking to him, and making sure she had moments alone with him. I found out about the kisses because he'd met up with OW in secret that day for lunch (apparently for the first and only time) and I saw messages on his phone from her (one of them saying she loved him). He finally came clean when he accidentally sent me a message that was meant for her, telling her that if I rang her 'to not mention anything about the kisses.' I was obviously hysterical and I made him call her with it on loud speaker and I listened to her saying to him, 'have you told her that it meant nothing? You shouldn't lose your marriage over this.' As the last few weeks have gone on, I have found out that they used to text each other a lot and that he used to delete them because he knew I wouldn't like it. He also admits that their friendship became too close and he spent a lot of time alone with her at work. He has done everything in his power to make me believe he has no feelings for her and the whole thing was just friendship and drunken mistakes.

I have forgiven him and want to now move on, but I keep wondering if I am being a mug to do this? I also am now 100% consumed with paranoia all the time, wondering what he is lying to me about now, and whether he's lied about his feelings for her, and it is becoming physically and emotionally exhausting for both of us because I can't seem to move on and am anxious all of the time. Our relationship used to be perfect and I worry that we will never be happy again because I cannot forgive and forget after being so hurt.

What do I need to do to get over this paranoia and forgive? I am at a loss :-(

I'm so sorry - it all sounds horrid.

This may not be helpful and so I apologise in advance but I would leave/ask him to leave. I wouldn't trust him again and would refuse to spend my life 'consumed with paranoia' as you've stated.

Your relationship was clearly not perfect beforehand, you thought it was perfect because you didn't know the truth. He can apologise again and again but if you're unable to trust him then what's the point?

Personally, I wouldn't want to waste my life feeling shit because of something someone else did. I know things are never quite as simple as that but honestly, you deserve better.

I guess that's what I'm wondering though - I only found out 5 weeks ago and I want to try and make it work, so is there something I can do to rebuild the trust? I really do believe how sorry he is and how much he loves me (naive?).

I'm sorry to be blunt, but this wasnt just 3 kisses. This was a relationship between 2 people that you trusted (or at least were friendly towards). It went on for some time and even if no sex was involved, it was quite close and I think its more of a betrayal than you are outwardly expressing.

I couldnt forgive... But, do I have friends who have forgiven worse and years on their relationships do seem to still work and be happy - although I know that it still lurks at moments of insecurity.

I hope you are able to find the strength, neither is an easy choice.

Paranoia is the irrational state of fear, suspicion, jealousy & persecution. Your feelings are not irrational in the slightest. You've been very badly hurt, you're bound to be anxious and upset and you'd be a fool if you trusted this lying man any time soon. 'It meant nothing'... is no excuse. Once is a drunken mistake, twice is deliberate.... three, four, five times with texts, secret meetings and so on is an out and out affair.

I would ask him to leave temporarily so that you get chance to calm down, think clearly and work out exactly how you feel. There may be a way back or there may not but you won't be able to decide while Mr It Means Nothing is in your face.

At just 11 months married you're supposed to still be in the honeymoon period aren't you? Not partaking in drunken snogging sessions with a work colleague.

If it happened once I could see why you'd want to forgive him. A one off drunk kiss which he bitterly regretted, fair enough.

But he went back for more, TWO more times. And that's what he's admitting to, the bare minimum that he can get away with admitting... I doubt that's all that went on between them.

You need to tell him to pack a bag and fuck off while you have a think about what you want to do.

Speaking from personal experience, no, I don't honestly think you can learn to fully trust him again. You can stay and try and make things work but you'll never forget what he did.

As I said, if you're prepared to live like that then all power to you, I tried to but I knew deep down that things would never be the same again, I wouldn't trust him and actually, it wasn't my fault! I hadn't done anything at all so why on earth should my life be rubbished by his actions?

You know when you wake up, lovely nights sleep, clean linen, it's a lovely sunny day, you have money in your purse, lovely food in the fridge, a day off and then it hits you; everything should be glorious but it's not because the man lying beside you cheated and you're left wondering if/when he'll do it again. It taints everything.

you nearly mirror me.

9 months into my marriage my H kissed my best friend, we were all on a night out and she came back to our house to call a taxi and they had a drink together, sat down and put a movie on and cuddled up under a blanket ect.

I didn't find out until 2 months after, she told me.
I tried everyday to forget about it but they did this when I was upstairs in bed.
after two months I just couldn't do it anymore, it was affecting every part of my life. I lost my friends, my confidence and I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him- there were other issues too but I made the decision to leave.
I couldn't live being miserable and uptight everyday. questioning his every move and every message or phone call.

do what you think you can live with, just don't be miserable because life is far too short.
it's the most horrible thing ever- they are so selfish.

I'm so sorry, I wish you'd posted 5 weeks ago, I'd hate to think of someone dealing with this alone. I agree with the previous poster that this isn't "just three kisses". And Tailz describes horribly perfectly how I would feel.

How often have you talked about the affair since? What has he done to earn your trust?

He has no respect for you to be with other women. Drink is no excuse.

Oh pensive how bloody terrible. I second what cogito suggests. You can't be expected to be alright so soon, it takes time to work out how you feel and what you want to do.

It doesn't sound good though and I think that he may have been planning to go further with this woman i.e. the lunch meeting is premeditated , not a spontaneous one off drunken kiss.

Do you have any good close friends in RL in which you can confide?

Well he's done and said everything he can to make amends. He has deleted every contact with her (and let me trawl through itemised phone bills), given me full access to his phone and all his accounts, taken me away for two romantic weekends, wrote me poetry ffs. He hasn't left the house in five weeks except with me or for work (where she has mysteriously been signed off sick for weeks so he hasn't seen her). He spends every waking minute trying to help me recover from this and forgive him. My friends all say to forgive him, they know how crazy he is about me, but maybe he has a drink problem because he gets so p1ssed he doesn't even remember what he's doing... I really do feel like he couldn't do anything else to fix this but my own mindset is refusing to budge and allow me to try and regain happiness again...

I hate it when people say "it meant nothing".

Oh, so you hurt me terribly and threw away our future together for something that MEANT NOTHING you utter, utter douchebag?!?!??

Pensive it will take you longer than 5 weeks, but I think it is do-able. It won't be easy though. DH and I have been through this (both directions) and we made it. It's not the road for everyone though.

I would kick him out too show your serious but too give you time too think it would also show if things between him and her were over if he goes round to hers for a shoulder to cry on you know they were still having an affair and it went further than three kisses

The signing off sick would arouse my suspicions I'm afraid. That's not what someone does in reaction to three drunken snogs, that's what you do if you've had an affair and it's all gone horribly wrong.

Can you drop the psychobabble for a moment and stop blaming yourself? This isn't your 'mindset refusing to budge'... this is a normal, sane, predictable reaction to finding out you've been lied to and betrayed on several occasions by someone you've only just got married to. It HURTS in a particularly personal and visceral way and if you were to just brush your hands together & say 'thanks for the poetry and weekends, I'm all better now' you'd be thoroughly abnormal.

Once trust has been destroyed, it is very, very difficult to restore it. Takes much more than quick sorrys and five weeks of exemplary behaviour. He lied to make all of this happen and you can't be sure he's not lying now. Every time a text comes in you'll flinch. Every time you meet someone with the same first name as this woman, you'll flinch.

And the drink problem can't be glossed over either. Anyone that gets so drunk they don't know what they're doing.... and I've known quite a few alcoholics and the only time they were in that state was when they were unconscious... has a serious problem. What's he doing to fix that?

See I'll never really be much help i.e. no matter how many meals/weekend breaks/poems/presents blah, I would not be able to forget. All of the above is cheap, it doesn't matter, what mattered to me is that he showed such little respect in the first place.

Will you honestly forget what he's done? Can you honestly say that you'll not throw it back in his face at some point? To me, it'd be perfectly normal and understandable to want to do that but I'm of the opinion that if you forgive then you don't bring it up and use it as a tool to hurt the other person (in reality, there's no way I could actually do that I don't think!).

I wouldn't accept the 'he has a drink problem' either as an excuse for his shoddy behaviour. He may have a drink problem but what happened with the OW is not as a result of drink surely? - he went back again and again. Was he drunk over lunch with the OW, was he drunk when he was repeatedly texting her?

Forgive me banging on, I honestly wish you all the best, I am so firmly in the 'life is too damn short' camp though.

An affair in the first year of your marriage?

Why are you even considering forgiving him?

How crazy can he really be about you if he was having an affair with another women when he married you?

Do you actually believe that bollocks about it only being 3 kisses?

You know yourself that it was also secret lunches, conspiring with her agains you, and an ongoing flirtation that took place in front of you.

The phone call you were allowed to overhear was planned in advance, you know that right?

The stuff she said about it meaning nothing and that he shouldn't lose his marriage over it is BOLLOCKS.

She told him she loved him. Which means that this was a love affair.

She's signed off work because she's broken hearted at being ditched as soon as you found out. I very much doubt that was what she was led to believe would happen in the end.

I'd ditch him or get a free affair pass.

It's a tough one, good luck and be strong in what you decide to do

Really sorry but to me this seems like it was way more than 3 kisses.

She loves him? She's off work now?

This was way more than 3 kisses.

Give yourself time and head space to truly know what you want.

sounds like his making a HUGE effort but I'm tending to agree with other posters.

you don't tell someone you love them after three drunken kisses.

Sounds to me like he's enjoying the drama of "making this up to you" as much as he enjoyed the drama of having an affair at the time he was getting married.

He's writing you poetry?

FFS how you didn't shove it up his arse I will never know.

And he really cannot have been pissed out of his head when he was secretly meeting her for lunch can he? You are making excuses for him OP.
I agree with other posters that you need more time to make your decision.
Please don't allow him to minimise it though.

One drunken kiss - I'd take the piss (mercilessly) and forgive. But always be mindful of the fact it had happened. Which is a shame, and not how a marriage should work.

Several drunken kisses, lunch dates, flirty texts. I'd kick him out.

And I can say that, because I did and I didn't know about the kisses.

I then also found out that it had been a lot more.

Deleting all emails/texts whatever from her doesn't mean it isn't going to resume. It just means he feels embarrassed at you having seen/read some of them and is avoiding the discomfort of reading them again, knowing you have done so too.

If I found out my husband had done this in the first year of marriage, I wouldn't even be considering forgiving.