It feels like something out of a film...

[eyebrowsfurrowed]

So, my and my ex P split up mid August after a string of bad shit, namely him going out all night and turning up at noon the next day. It all came to a head when I found him upstairs taking drugs whilst me and my daughter were in the house (I sent him up when he stumbled in to sleep off the booze).

Things have been up and down but on the whole he has been quite helpful with our DD since we parted, leaving things quite open ended, or so I thought.

My heating has stopped working after I put DD to bed. I call him and explain and he says bring her over to stay the night. Thinking this was probably on the cards I gently woke her, coated and hatted her and got her in the car...

When we pull up I see some movement behind the blinds and a girl bolt it upstairs. DD has fallen asleep on the way so I knock. I ask who's here? 'Noone.' I say come on now I just saw someone. He still flat out denies it. I go upstairs. He says this is not your property. I find a girl, of say twenty sat on his bed - in the dark - reading her phone. I ask who are you. He says get out.

Don't leave your dd with this man rather stick an extra blanket on the bed

And???
Did u bring dd home again?

I didn't. And I had the option. I went to my brothers after and had a chat with the family and the outcome was that he is her daughter too. I do actually believe he's not taking drugs anymore. It was very occasional that he would go on his all night benders too. I know she is safe. I would have already made it difficult for him otherwise.

But. I feel so stupid. And cheated. This is all selfish. Nothing to do with DD I know he looks after her very well. But I do feel sad her parents will never be together.

fuck

Sorry op.... I am confused. Why would you wake your daughter and move her because the heating is not working? We always turn off the heat before bed.

It must have been awful but you have split up. And he sounds like a bit of a twat so you don't want him back.

Wasn't there the option of putting more covers on your DD at your home, rather than move her to your XP's? How old is she?

I have to say, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get my dd out of bed because of the heating not working either. Must be because I'm a Geordie.

It says the temperature on the monitor and it was 14 and I got worried. She is young and I am not very experienced. I called him to explain and he said bring her round.

I wish I still had her here and hadn't found out.

Sounds like you wanted to see him at the expense of your daughter.

so dd is there still? and this girl too?

I don't think you're posting about the heating or if she was safe with him.
You want him back, you took her over hoping you'd stay too, right?
You're posting because you're upset you won't be a family any more, I think?
I cannot see otherwise why you'd possibly take your daughter there instead of putting on a blanket.

...yes

honestly I never let it get below 18 in her room. One of the million things I read when I had her.

and yes I thought this would be the time we actually talked about everything.

Why so many unsupportive replies?
OP clearly had hopes that they would sort through their problems and maybe get back together eventually. These hopes have been scuppered. She's really upset.

Sorry, eyebrows, you will now have to accept that he has apparently moved on. You will be ok, you need to move on too.

Thanks Alfalfama I feel like a failure

I think you've been naive OP but nothing warranting the level of dissection you've had here! I can see why you took her over, and if it was partly because there was some hope there for the relationship, well, that's not a crime.

However. I think you have to dissociate from him. It's over - and he sounds like someone you can do FAR better than.

On a more practical note, can you get dd some fleecy pyjamas for cold nights?
We got a plug- in radiator cheaply from Argos which is handy for keeping a child's room warm. Ask ex to contribute to buying one!

Honestly, if my heating was broken and I had young DC and it was 14 degrees in the bedroom and a friend offered for me to bring them over I probably would.

I know people do have their bedrooms that cold, but I don't, and if I had an alternative option and I was worried then I would take it. I think lots of people would. An ex is not the same as a friend but OP is not the first woman to hold onto hope for a relationship which is not worth saving, nor will she be the last.

Yes a new sleeping bag is top of the list! It just feels so shit when I can't fix the boiler and keep my own baby warm. I will get back up heating though. I'm just learning it all and this is the first wobble I've had and then I find that at his house.

P.S there were no other options for her too stay anywhere. And I definitely did want to see him. It was advise on MN that gave me the courage to end things. The advice said he would have time to sort his shit out. I didn't expect this.

to advice

Oh, love It's hard when you're on your own, especially at first. Are you in rented accommodation? If so, get onto the landlord first thing about the boiler and in the mean time, I think a shopping trip for some blankets is in order! Get yourself a little emergency kit together with things like a torch for power cuts, first aid kit, basic tool kit, blankets and/or old towels for heating breakdowns and floods, and you'll feel better and able to take on any household disaster!

Sometimes these things do happen and they happen to everyone - it doesn't mean you're a failure. Best not to try and fix a broken boiler yourself anyway as you don't want to end up damaging it and it leaking carbon monoxide or something - that's what I'd be worried about anyway.