It feels like something out of a film...

[eyebrowsfurrowed]

So, my and my ex P split up mid August after a string of bad shit, namely him going out all night and turning up at noon the next day. It all came to a head when I found him upstairs taking drugs whilst me and my daughter were in the house (I sent him up when he stumbled in to sleep off the booze).

Things have been up and down but on the whole he has been quite helpful with our DD since we parted, leaving things quite open ended, or so I thought.

My heating has stopped working after I put DD to bed. I call him and explain and he says bring her over to stay the night. Thinking this was probably on the cards I gently woke her, coated and hatted her and got her in the car...

When we pull up I see some movement behind the blinds and a girl bolt it upstairs. DD has fallen asleep on the way so I knock. I ask who's here? 'Noone.' I say come on now I just saw someone. He still flat out denies it. I go upstairs. He says this is not your property. I find a girl, of say twenty sat on his bed - in the dark - reading her phone. I ask who are you. He says get out.

You aren't a failure, you sound like a really good mum :)
And well done for kicking him out, too many women stay with losers no matter what they do. You're strong.

It sounds like your dd is pretty young. I broke up with dd1's dad when she was under six months.. He was only interested in going out all night, and then I found out he was having an affair. I remember the worst thing being the feeling that we would never be a proper family (which we'd never really been even when he was there tbh because his heart wasn't in it), it hurt so much. But actually, I did a bloody amazing job as a single mum: dd1 was a happy, confident, clever little girl who'd light up a room, and never wanted for anything.

How long have you been apart?

Thank you both so much. I am crying and could do with the tea and blankets.

She's just one and we split up a month before her first birthday.

The landlords not answering my calls and texts but I hope he will get over to sort it tomorrow. I have isolated the problem, mainly using internet forums and the annoying thing is it's not even the boiler, that's working fine. It's the thermostat receiver that has lost it's marbles. I can't even override it on the boiler itself. I just hate not feeling in control!

Alfa I think you and Berstie are so kind because you can relate. It's good to see a confident mum who's been through all this storm. It all feels so on top.

I wouldn't worry about getting your LO up. She's young, she's not going to care or be particularly disturbed so don't beat yourself up.

It sounds like this event was meant to happen to show you your relationship in a new light. It's horrible but hopefully you can start your new life tomorrow when you wake up!

I'm really sorry you are going through this breakup as it sounds like the whole situation has hit you hard. However, you have your LO's best interests at heart and as long as her two parents love and care for her she will flourish.
There is plenty to worry about and feel guilty as a parent so don't drive yourself mad with something you can't control. Just concentrate on the thing you can control-being a good mummy like you are and the rest will fall into place.

Don't worry about the heating, we always turn ours off before bed and we live up on the Yorkshire moors. Only occasionally when it's very very cold, we set it to come on for an hour in the night to take the chill off-but that's in the snowy season.

Also, don't worry about your age-parenting is a learning curve for us all-despite age!

Well, I've made myself a tea too now even though I should be going to bed. Luckily I'm in Germany and they have such crappy weak tea here I have to put two tea bags in to get it to taste of anything! I'm also not sure if it has caffeine in or not, so I'm sure I'll be fine.

I split up with XP when DS was 14 months old, so I can relate. It's a hard age because they're old enough to realise something's changed but not old enough to explain it to them. Talk to her, though. Even if you feel stupid or that she won't understand. She will get it on some level.

My DS is 5 now. We are much happier. We both came through it okay. You will too :)

I expect the landlord is ignoring his phone as it is a weekend. And I think you're pretty switched on to have googled the problem, too - not everyone would think to do that.

oh this takes me back to the early days, our boiler broke too, it was miserable! we survived somehow on firewood hot baths and going out in the car with the heater full on, not too far though cos price of petrol.
Hope LL sorts you out soon op. And while you've had a horrible shock re your ex at least you know where you are now. You can do it!
my dd was one at the time, too. She's nearly 8 now! I retrained as a teacher. We have a new life ex is still a cunt

dancing you are spot on. I said that to my brother. Thank god the heating did break. Thank god he said go round. Thank god I had the bottle to go straight upstairs. But I think I will wake up in the morning and my heart will sink.

I think you saw straight to my main guilty point too. I am young. Not the youngest but I thought kids would happen after career. She is my inspiration though and I am now in the process of starting a business. I am in talks about the lease at the moment though so my head is like a pressure cooker.

Thanks for your words berstie. Are you an ex pat then? That's some inspiration right there. I always tell her how much we both love her and try to be positive. When I kissed her tonight though I said I'm so sorry, I love you so much. I don't think that was appropriate but I was having an out of body experience.

Ooh I'm a teacher now too ninah! I teach ELT to adults.

It's true, you end up doing the most amazing things that you never would even have dreamed possible when still in that relationship.

I think my ex is still a cunt. I haven't seen him for about three years.

Strength on the face of adversity.

But does that mean he doesn't see your son? How do you feel about that?

Yes - another thing I've always wanted to do but after having DS young (I was 20 when he was born) and then being a single mum I had just sort of accepted that it would never happen.

However, life has a funny little way - I got together with DP when DS was 2.5 and about a year later he applied for a job here. He mentioned it to me in a "Oh, I probably won't get it anyway. And I won't go if you don't want me to." kind of way. I said that I couldn't see any reason why he shouldn't go for it, and if we split up because of it, then we obviously weren't meant to be. It took 6 months for them to tell him he had the job, but then he came over here about a year and a half ago now, and DS and I followed 2 months ago. I love it here and it would never have happened if I'd stayed with XP. DS has so many more opportunities now.

What's your business all about? That sounds exciting in itself!

Honestly? Relieved. Because he was an utter dick and a bad influence and I didn't really trust him to look after him properly.

When he did see him, he was flaky, used to cancel at the last minute and I always said (privately, to myself/friends, never in front of DS) that I wished he would either step up and have a proper relationship with him or just disappear altogether. DS does know he exists but he sees DP as "Daddy" now. He doesn't understand birth father/stepfather but he knows that DP is technically his stepdad.

I would be happy for him to have a proper relationship with him if he wanted one, but apparently he doesn't. So - his loss. DS is happy. I'm happier that he's not letting him down in a very visible way to DS. I expect there will be troubles when DS is older, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Wow that's ace. It's so good to hear that happiness is out there and that men aren't all bastards. Which is a conclusion I was coming to. It's lovely that you are teaching too. What a commendable job :) and satisfying too.

Fair flipping play to you. That must have been a hard time but look at the life you've given your little boy. Lots of love!

They definitely aren't - and it's good to start believing that ASAP so that you can pass on the idea/knowledge of what a good man is/should be to DD when she is older. I definitely got the "all men are bastards so don't bother trying" memo from my mother even though she didn't mean to pass that onto me! Mumsnet is excellent. Better than therapy

I had to go to councelling for the first time in my life when she was 6 months old. I stated being anxious I would do the same to DD as had been done to me by my parents. They said I didn't need councelling. I have known it's all wrong for a while but was too scared to admit it. MN definitely is better than therapy/councelling!!! I can attest to that!

Good luck with the business! That's what I did when I had my baby :-)
I had a different career plan but starting a family first introduced me to something far better than that.
I will eventually follow my initial plan as it's in the back of my head but I'm now much better prepared for it-with lots of new life experience and a better perspective on things.

I hope you have woken feeling ok as crappy as it is, it's also a really exciting time for you! Make it your own!