Keeping going after abusive relationship

[2013go]

How do you/ did you keep going after an EA/SA relationship?
I don't have the pride of having ended it and I feel like I am on the ropes- time seems to be making it worse not better.
Feel very very stupid and worthless and hopeless like all I believed about people was naive and wrong.
Have a good counsellor but days get harder not easier.

Not sure, as I ended it.

Why do you think it's worse now? Do you miss him? Or do you feel lonely? Do you remember the good times and minimise the bad times?

How long has it been since the relationship finished? Emotionally abusive relationships are so damaging precisely because the abuser plays on our fears, exploits any qualities they see as weak (kindness, compassion) and we stick around because we think we love them. It's a cruel con-trick that can happen to absolutely anyone . But it would be wrong to conclude that everything you believe is wrong, all people are bad, or that you are stupid or whatever.

Maybe a glib answer, but pick a couple of mantras and recite then whenever you feel yourself starting to brood. (I like the one from going on a Bearhunt: "Can't go under it, can't go over it, have to go through it!" and "When you're going through shit, KEEP GOING!")

It does take a bit of time, but it gets better. In some ways, you actually need to grieve more than for a non-abusive relationship, because the person you loved isn't gone, the person you loved never really existed. It was just a mask worn by a very different person underneath. I know I lost a lot of confidence in my own judgement. What helped me was reading some of the wise people on Relationships thread. All these bright, caring, witty people who'd made the same mistake as I did, and who had ultimately gained so much insight and compassion from it.

Here's a slap on the back and a cigar - you're one of us veterans now!

Well, you say you don't have pride for having ended it, but you also don't have the uncertainty of wondering whether you did the right thing. You didn't get a choice so you certainly didn't make the wrong one. Were you really being fair? Did you give him enough warning/chances? Did you walk out too soon? You're spared all that agonising. The bastard left you. Well, at least he did you one favour!

Intellectually you do know that not all people are abusive con artists, but of course it will take you a while to accept it on an emotional level. Everything you knew is turned topsy-turvy and now you've got to rearrange your way of looking at it. Don't worry too much about putting yourself under a microscope. There's no magical "ought to feel better now" point. It takes time, in a sort of three steps forward, two steps back way. But in a while you'll look back and realise you feel a whole lot better than you used to. And then a while after that you'll realise you're feeling the next stage of better. And so on. You'll never be quite the same, always a bit more wary and cynical, but that in itself is not a bad thing.

I remember what a surprise it was when I laughed heartily at some joke or other and realised it was probably the first time in at least a year I'd actually laughed out loud... I used to have a lively sense of humour. But it did come back. (I recommend some of the Mumsnet Classics threads for a really hearty, take-your-mind-off-things belly laugh.) Oh, and music is good.

I read "I don't have the pride of having ended it" to mean that the OP was dumped.

So did I. That's why she didn't have to worry whether she'd made the right choice. Sorry if unclear.

Ok, you do not have pride in ending it, but have pride in that you endured and survived it. Your situation is hard, as you did not chose to start this new life (out of a abusive relationship) but it is good thing. Why is good??
How long have you been single?

As you know, I'm one of the wise, witty < arf > brave women who survived an abuser.

It does shake your confidence/world in the immediate aftermath. But as cogito says, it really could happen to anyone. These people are very, very sick and spread their stuff far and wide. They don't discriminate, everyone gets it.

However, once you get into the 'survivor' community [veterans!] you get to understand a great deal more about it re the way they operate, things to look out for. You will see that the signs were there at the very beginning - only you didn't know what to look out for. Why should you? No-one would.

So don't feel silly/stupid/daft/idiotic. It could happen, and has happened ,to so many of us fabulous, bright, sassy women. It is no reflection on you/us at all.

*'these people' and 'the way they operate' = abusers

Oh you are, springy! And so are the others on here (with a special wide-eyed admiration for Annie, whose posts I love. Sorry for freaky fandom, Annie!)

Thanks all, I have been getting amazing advice and insight here for ages springy but really began in the last week or so to feel very, very bad and want to give up altogether. The grief and dismay are very strong and the utter RAGE is also strong.
I thought I should have it all over and done with by now (and I was told not to expect to, again wisdom of mumsnetters!) as it's about ten weeks since the final round of d and d (he was clearly a narcissist) but oh round and round and on and on it goes despite every concerted effort of will to get rid of it and tbh the more I struggle and beat myself up for not getting over it, the more it exhausts me.
So this eve I will listen to some music and read a classic thread and just stop beating myself up for a while, I think!

No wonder it exhausts you! You are trying to force into a few weeks what, realistically, takes months and years, all in.

I am truly AMAZED that you think you should be 'over it' by now!

there is no way on heaven or earth you will be 'over it' in that time. I am not entirely 'over it' nearly 20 years later. I don't mean to alarm you - I am not incapacitated by it at all, jsut the aftertaste is still there and will always be there. Because what happened to you and I and others like us was very serious and very deep. You don't just 'get over it' iyswim. It's a long and sometimes difficult process.

You wont be in agony all the time, only some of the time!

That doesn't sound very encouraging does it? ah well, it's the reality and if youre primed and ready it doesn't come as such a shock, you don't feel as crap about it.

I'm haunting you around the board 2013

I found that talking to people really helped. Even if you haven't left him, you have gained some insight into your relationship. People in abusive relationships are often reluctant to talk about them or complain about OHs, so it can be very liberating to get it out.

You are probaly still going through the phases of grief. You can embrace them, rather than fight them. And thinking about what happened is very natural and desirable. It allows us to process things and hopefully create better mechanisms to avoid falling into the same trap.
People who get over it very quickly are probably just in denial and may be more likely to repeat the pattern later on

Most of all, avoid blaming yourself. Even if you didn't find the inner strength to leave first. You probably would have left, only he beat you to it. Possibly he may have realised he wasn't going to last much longer or was losing the grip?

I'm really trying to embrace the grieving process but some times, like this evening, it weighs so heavily on me and all I want to do is escape it.
I feel I will never ever understand, even if I read a million more books and go to counselling for a million more hours. And I feel that there will never be another relationship for me, not ever.

2013, there will be, but maybe not yet.

I think, after an big incident where you have been let down, it is important to understand what it meant, and it sounds as tho you are going through that.

What DOES it mean, that there are people in the world who act like your ex did?? How do we live with that?

Find your answers. Keep thinking.

But yes also take a break and do something else. Let the issue breathe and pick it up again, and find it new.

Also I wonder if this is you being addicted to chaos - you HAVE to have some angst going on, and if there is none there, you will create some yourself. I think this is part and parcel of letting go and escaping abuse. It does take time for life to slow down, and your breathing and thinking and hyper arousal with it.

You say you will never understand, and I get that. I used to feel that. But I have been healing for about 15 years now, and working to help others do that for 10, and I now think that things are actually extremely simple. They say that most happy families are simple, but abusive ones are complicated in their own way. When you get into what that complication is all about, it can be reduced to 'Yes, that was abusive. Yes, it was wrong.' Would it help you to get some of it down on here so we can read it and back your thinking up?

I wonder if, if you did that, you may conclude that abusive people are out there, and it is Ok to get caught up with one and to learn what its all about - it wasn't you, it was them, lost of others go through it too, its not just you etc. This may then help you move on and trust life again x

I think I'm not generally addicted to chaos- I mean, exp was exciting at first, then just chaotic, but I never wanted that- I wanted a peaceful life with him and realised it would simply never be possible.
It was a short relationship of 18 months, then another year on and off. But after only about three months of it I was lost and bewildered by his nonstop mad intense love/ hate- then for twenty more months like a hamster on a wheel. Now nothing- as if it never was- except that I am still counting the cost. So probably I did become addicted to chaos and drama, but I didn't gain from it and nearly lost everything.

It is still very raw for you.
I didn't date anyone for at least one year after exH, and I don't feel like being in a relationship now either, almost 6 months after the last relationship, which was not abusive.

You will be ok. You'll see.

Dear god, please be kind to yourself!

You feel an idiot after a couple of years of this? Try 10 years and saddling the most adorable DS in the world with the shittiest dad in the world - THAT'S idiotic.

Not wishing to undermine you at all, but just wanted you to know that we ALL feel that monumentally stupid when we're finally free of abuse - however that happens.

My ex left. It was the hardest thing I ever did, to let him go. But I knew I had to.

For a while ifelt too stupid to even post on here. Wtf do I know, who on earth'd listen to anything I said on relationships. I was humiliated by it all!

One of the best things i've ever done, letting him go. But it hurt. Physically excruciating. I did lose everything, pretty much, ended up in rental house, agoraphobic, terrified of everyone, abused and hurt by even my so called family too. Just me and DS and my few good friends in my life, and Mumsnet :)

This pain you feel won't go away by itself, you need to heal it away. Don't try to bury it. It will come back when you're least expecting it.

Help yourself by Talking to us, talking to WA, doing the freedom programme or similar, getting therapy; all of this helps you grow and heal from what's happened TO you.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft too. Liberating!

We're here for you lovey, well done for being out of that situation, it really does get OMG SO much better in time, if you put the work in!

Have you posted on the Emotional Abuse thread? Awesome place! Lots of people that will understand what you're going through.

Lweji, that's me too! A year to heal, then dated for a year (non abusive) ended it, and now cba to look again. Head's really not into it.

It's like I needed to have a 'normal' relationship, to prove to myself that I could, box ticked, thanks very much!

I don't want to rule relationships out, but I think I need to be in a relationship with myself first.. #woo #tossy #sorry

:)

Hissy lots of things I am thinking and feeling about moving forwards seem very woo and very tossy!! But that whole thing about a healthy relationship with the self sounds very true to me atm.
It's heartening to hear of other, normal, relationships happening.
I sadly still love 'fake man' and trying to hold the true knowledge of him in my head at the same time is hard, like my head will split.
The worst thing about the EA- one of the worst- is that WHATEVER I did was wrong. Sometimes I didn't know straight away, only later... There was a very long rolling list of all my transgressions from texting wrong to being out when the phone rang, to things I'd confided I did and said years before I even knew him, to using the wrong tone of voice. These days I second guess my second guesses, all the time!

Ditto love with all the 'wrongs'

The fact is that if he wasn't there, it wasn't his business, ok?

Oh the judgement I had,..but look at me, and look at him.

I can grow, he only grows by destroying everyone close to him.

Don't worry, you know what you have to do, and where you need to aim for, you'll get there.

Your recovery comes in steps, small manageable steps, not hulking great leaps.

You're aiming for sustainable rise, not fleeting escape.

I too was my biggest policewoman. Drove me to agoraphobia.

That's bonkers!

You can do this. It's not hard, it just seems that way when your confidence is a bit battered!

Meant to say, YES to the woo thinking, explore your mind, your thoughts, your instincts!

The thing is I just want to switch it all off as if it never happened

I know. I remember that bit.

I still have it, to a minor degree with my family estrangement.

It does get easier. Remind yourself of the whys and focus on what made you realise it needed to end.

Focus on the faith you have for the future, aim for the moon, you deserve it!