Just need some outside thoughts from those not so close to the situation.

[Jakebullet]

I have posted about my friend here before..Here

Since I posted last time lots f things have happened. The local HA offered my friend a two bedroom house about 30 miles away. Although this was a biggish distance from her previous place it was a house with a garden....as my friend is agoraphobic this was important to her so that on days when she is too scared to leave the house she can at least go into the enclosed garden and get fresh air.

Unfortunately just after she moved in she discovered she was pregnant.....yes abusive fuckwit boyfriend is going to be a Daddy for the first time ever. This was due to a contraceptive failure ad my friend was all set to go ahead with a termination but couldnt go through with it.

Fuckwit boyfriend (FB) has not exactly shown signs of being promising regarding sorting himself out. To be honest its been me that has helped when she had hyperemesis etc and got her to hospital etc.

Then five weeks ago my friend had an absolute breakdown, she was 30 miles away with her 10 year old DD, not cooking, not eating and seemingly not able to cope. I rang her DD father because I was concerned about the DD and he was not helpful just ranted on about my friend deserving what she was getting for being pregnant.

FB was equally as useless so in the end I drove up and got my fried and her DD. They have been with me ever since...my friend is now in the midst of an exchange to a property nearby. FB is still on the scene (when he can be bothered to come and see her) and when here (only for about 30 mins each time) he is fine. On the phone to her though it is a different kettle of fish......yesterday for example her called her "an ignorant c**t", hence my friend being quiet and tearful for the rest of the day.

Am trying to get her to see thta he is not going to be reliable....all she keeps saying is "but I cant do it on my own" and me pointing out that she already IS doing it on her own, that he scarcely visits and when he is on the phone is is often abusive.

I know she just wants a happy ending but it isn't going to happen....she and he are talking about him moving in when she exchanges.

Dont know what I am asking even here......just some outside thoughts to help me clarify mine so I give her the "right" advice.

Have already suggested WA etc.

I will be honest and say that I am also increasingly frustrated and stressed with it all as my house is only two bedrooms, my friend and her DD are in my bed, DS is in his bed and I am on a blow up bed downstairs......not to mention all the extra belongings here etc. I am telling myself that it wont be log before she moves and we can cope in the short term.
My friend is depressed, anxious and frequently says she feels life is not worth living.....on the borderline of being suicidal. So cannot hep with housework etc making it all extra hard work. She is under the mental health unit and they are doing a MH assessment next week.

I am anxious about how she will cope alone etc as she hasn't been thinking clearly for months and has displayed some out of character behaviour over that time. She never has any money and I don't know what she is doing with it....I haven't asked her for any money as I wanted her to be able to save enough to pay for the removals and to be honest it isn't costing me much more to feed her and her DD as I do cook from scratch. Whatever she is getting in benefits is going on something though as she is always broke.......suspect online Bingo or Slots etc as she has had addiction issues with these in the past when life is bad.

In my friend's defence I will just say that she had the most abusive childhood imaginable....and at the moment I feel she is on the path to self destruction.

Some people really are on a path to self destruction and there is no 'right advice' that will stop them.

You can be a friend to her, but telling her the right thing to do will not necessarily be a massive help as she is unlikely to take your advice unless it is what she already wants to do.

You sound like a kind person but you're in grave danger of being dragged into her personal hell and I don't think that's really helping anyone. I would be making encouraging noises about her going back to her lovely HA place with garden at the earliest opportunity. Let the professionals do their job and be supportive by all means but start taking a bit of step back emotionally.

Thank you. I can't send her back to her HA he as her DD is now settled back into her old school. The exchange is going to be soon and them she will be gone.

I have no regrets about taking her in as she was just unable to care for her DD due to severe hyperemesis at that point.
It IS hard though and I am worried about her.

I am trying to distance myself and remember that these are her problems not mine. She is having a mental health assessment today so am waiting to see what that shows.

No advice but you sound like a brilliant friend and I think the dd is lucky you've been around.

How far gone is she? Is a termination still a possibility? A baby sounds like the last thing she needs. What is the MH assessment for? Is she likely to be hospitalized as a result or medicated? You are being a good friend but you can't live her life for her. Be a good friend to yourself and don't get too dragged in.

You sound like a lovely caring friend OP. Echo what others have said- try not to get too dragged in. You can support but you can't solve your friend's problems.

At least your friend's dd has had the stability of you in the picture.

However, I suspect your friend will continue to unravel and perhaps it is better all round to stand back and let it happen. Sounds harsh, easy to say, but sometimes people have to fall apart entirely to face things square on. She either will or won't face things, its impossible to tell. eg she isn't the first addict (re losing her money), there are things she can do, support out there. She has to want to want a functioning life. At the moment, she doesnt

I have (had?) a friend who was similarly beleaguered - for very similar reasons ie an horrific childhood - and the result is not what anybody would want. It is hard to stand back and let her make her choices (she is now on the street - but, tellingly, refuses to engage with support services. She has lost her children) but there was only so much I could do.

I predict that there will be crisis after crisis. Obviously, one has a great deal of compassion for people who end up in an awful mess but, ultimately, the only person who can help her is her.

When she gets her new place I think you are going to have to stand back and let the relevant authorities take their place - if she engages with them. You may also have to let SS know the situation re her daughter.

It seems so tough but ultimately it isnt. Her daughter needs to live in a safe environment.

Thanks once more

Yes I realise that once she moves I will have to take a step back and let things unravel .

I have already spoken to social services but have told her about that as I think she needs some support. They havent made any contact hough and I suspect that all the while her DD is here they will see her as "safe".

She is too late for a termination now as she is 14+ weeks and has already had scans which means she is already feeling a link to this baby. I personaly feel a baby is the last thing she needs....amazingly enough she has arely ever used contraception and I dont think she is that fertile or she might have si or seven children by now instead of just one and one on the way.

I am tring to help her and be a good fried but thats because I just could not have left her as she was or her DD.

oh lor

Sometimes people are a disaster waiting to happen - re gambling away her money, not using contraception . Once she gets into the system (eg SS) there will be a lot of eg parenting support and general life skills support. I hate to say it but it could be that she loses both her children (so sad) - but that's how it has to be for the children, who are not safe with her as she is. If she engages with the relevant support services and takes big steps to get her life in order, she won't necessarily lose her children. Hard to tell.

You're a good friend.