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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just need space to breathe

46 replies

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 10:29

just that really. I feel Im pulled in every directon by everybody, and im just supposed to get on with it.

I love my DS's but feel like I'm a single parent to them despite having a DH, this makes me feel resentful.

My Dh is working nights at the moment which means despite me doing all parenting and housework, I also have to tip toe around all day while he sleeps. Not a fun half term keeping 2 boys quiet. Go out I hear you say, but thats not acceptable, because I should be here to have his every whim seen to when he decides to get up.

Just needed to put this down somewhere. I know I just need to suck it up but aaaaggjhh just need to vent.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/11/2013 10:35

What happens if you're not there to cater for his every whim?

JumpingJackSprat · 02/11/2013 10:36

What does he do if you go out? What does he do for you and the boys?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 10:37

Who decided you have to see to his every whim? Who says you have to suck it up. A good marriage is meant to be a partnership of equals. Teamwork. He may be working nights but that doesn't let him off helping out with housework or other family responsibilities. Certainly doesn't mean he gets special treatment. Talk to him...

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 10:38

Sulks, makes me feel like the worse person in the world. He works for us and I should support him by looking after him and the children should be here for him to spend time with between him getting up and going to work. Unless he decides to get up and go out yo have some time to himself

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 10:41

So he's bully basically. Call a spade a spade... He may be the one earning the household's money but he's unreasonable to think that makes you his paid servant and that the house revolves around him. How long has this been going on?

Finola1step · 02/11/2013 10:44

You do need space. We all do. It sounds like the space you need is about the same size as your selfish git of a husband.

Controlling, demanding, selfish. Does he have any good points?

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 10:46

I think you'd probably find being a single parent a lot easier. You wouldn't have to tiptoe around the house during the children's holidays, for one thing.

Why can't you go and have him call you when he's getting up, or have a pre-arranged time? I can understand he'd want to see you all, but why should you all have to be there if he's asleep?

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 10:47

I also work, but 20 hours a week term time.
We have been married 10 years. Its always been like this. I am a very caring person, like to look after people. But now it seems I care for everyone and everything and no one cares for me.
He very rarely asks "how can I help you" but this just makes me upset. Washing, feeding kids, housework etc is daily stuff, how does he not know what needs doing.

I just feel like curling in a ball, but I know the whole world would stop working

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/11/2013 10:50

You need to make him understand that he'll lose you and his family if he keeps up like this

Ignore the sulks and tell him he knows where the door is.

He's not working for you. He's working for himself just as much or more. You are obviously working more on the house and child side, but it doesn't exempt him from having responsibilities at home and looking after himself.

Who controls the finances at home?

Lweji · 02/11/2013 10:52

Just read that you work too!

FGS, why are you putting up with him?

haverer · 02/11/2013 10:54

He's not very kind, is he. He's not only got you tiptoeing around your own house waiting to be called in for an audience, but your DCs are doing the same.

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 10:55

All money goes in one pot for bills etc.
He has very expensive hobbies which obviously he earns so justifies. I can buy things but must be careful so money is there for bills etc.
Through summer his hobby takes him away most weekends. I actually enjoy this. During the winter he will be here most weekends. That thought sends shivers down my spine.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2013 10:56

Stop 'obeying' him. Do what suits you and the DC, and if he complains, laugh it off and say 'Oh well you were asleep' or whatever. If he sulks, treat him with the same cheerful indifference as you would one of the DCs having a tantrum. He is not your boss or your owner, and if he carries on acting as though he is the ruler of the household, you would be better off getting rid of him.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2013 10:58

Xpost. OK, this man is abusive. Start doing the research now as to how things would work if you ended the marriage - whether you decide to do so or to give him a final warning is up to you, but you need to have the information ready. Because men like this, the type who consider women less than human, quite often tell lies when challenged. He will say that he will throw you out, get custody of DC and not pay you a penny etc - and it will all be bullshit. If you end the marriage, it's most likely that you and DC will remain in the family home and he will have to pay maintenance for them - and he will be allowed and encouraged to see the DC regularly, but he won't just get everything his own way.

Lweji · 02/11/2013 11:00

I'd be tempted to leave the house as soon as he wakes up, or sleeps for 8 hours and see if the world stops.

It won't.

You describe yourself as very caring and liking to take care of others. Why?
Does it make you feel in control? Does it give you self worth?
He probably tapped on to that and is taking full advantage.

You need to draw your limits to what you are prepared to do and decide what the consequences will be.
Btw, he should not be helping at home. He should have his fair share of responsibilities.
If necessary tell him what they are, or propose an agreement and see what he does and says.
For example for him to iron his own clothes, or make certain meals or clean the bathroom.

Lweji · 02/11/2013 11:05

Also crossed post

So he's not working for you? (as predicted) He is draining money from the family on an expensive hobby.
And doing nothing at home.

Yes, he should either step up at home or fund his former family and his hobby out of his pot and do everything I'm his own home, plus when he has the children. See if he likes that perspective.

He'll doubt you'll do it, though. Find the strength or yourself and your children. They should not live in this environment.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 11:09

It's clear you're a caring person but he's taking the piss. He's exploited your caring nature so that it ends up he's Lord and Master, throwing his weight about, spending lavishly.... while you're the domestic drudge, doing everything & penny pinching to make it through the week.

Please stand up to him. There's no 'obviously' about this expensive hobby and you absolutely should not 'suck it up'. If you look forward to him being away and dread him being home then I think the answer to your problem is staring you in the face. In the meantime, stop being taken for a mug. Good luck

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 11:16

This all sounds horrible. He does what he wants, doesn't he, and stops you doing what you want.

Do yourself a favour. Go onto this site and work out how things would be financially if you lived without him.

You don't have to split up, though personally if the thought of someone being there makes you shudder, you should at least consider it, but it would be good for you to know, if worst comes to the worst, whether you could cope financially. Any money he paid you for child support would be extra, by the way.

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 11:26

sorry, just having a cry, can't believe someone actually cares enough to reply

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/11/2013 11:29

That's for you to see how much of a bastard he is.

You do deserve more than this.

And remember, from your OP, you don't have to suck it up, you know?
It's your life, for you to decide what you want to do with it and who you want in it...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 11:35

Please don't cry. It must be tough to hear all of this from strangers but I'm guessing you've suspected something is badly wrong for quite some time and just haven't had the validation up to now? If you call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and talk to them you'll find you're not alone in your experience. Sadly, even in this day and age, martinet husbands exist by the thousand.

Do you have friends or family IRL that you can talk to about this? I'm sure they will care as much as we do.

annielouisa · 02/11/2013 11:37

If you do not want this man around I think you should not be clinging onto this relationship. He is a bully who spends family money on himself and you prefer him to be away. The shivers down the spine phrase struck a chord with me as I have been in that sort of marriage. I was almost destroyed by it.

No amount of money should be the reason to subjugate your soul to this dreadful man. He has taking your caring nature and turned you into his servant. Your boys will learn a lack of respect for women if you let them believe his behaviour is acceptable or normal.

Think about what you want from your life I am sure it is not this.

Monroe · 02/11/2013 11:37

Oh Caz I am so sorry you are going through this. You will find many many lovely people on here who care very much and will give you lots of support and advice and hand holding.

It really doesn't have to be like this.

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 11:41

my family see the good side of him.
My dad is a firm believer of you make your bed and lie in it

Maybe its me and im a crap wife, why should I resent caring for someone I love

OP posts:

ImperialFucker · 02/11/2013 11:49

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but your dad has nothing to do with this. He doesn't have to live with him and I bet he's always done what he's wanted himself.

It's your life and you are the only one who is living it, so it's your choice what you do with it.

What you resent is that the love and affection you show your husband isn't returned in any way.

And, I wonder whether it's the same for your relationship with your dad and you?

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