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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just need space to breathe

46 replies

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 10:29

just that really. I feel Im pulled in every directon by everybody, and im just supposed to get on with it.

I love my DS's but feel like I'm a single parent to them despite having a DH, this makes me feel resentful.

My Dh is working nights at the moment which means despite me doing all parenting and housework, I also have to tip toe around all day while he sleeps. Not a fun half term keeping 2 boys quiet. Go out I hear you say, but thats not acceptable, because I should be here to have his every whim seen to when he decides to get up.

Just needed to put this down somewhere. I know I just need to suck it up but aaaaggjhh just need to vent.

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/11/2013 11:49

Why shouldn't he want to care for someone he loves?

That's the question you should be asking.

In a marriage you don't make your bed and lie in it. There are two people and if one is a bastard, then you are perfectly justified in leaving.
Is your father like him too? If so, it's no wonder he'll defend him.

Still, you are the one who has to live with it, so it's your decision. Not your parents.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 11:49

Your dad isn't married to him, you are. Your family don't have to tiptoe around him and penny-pinch, you do. You don't resent your DH because you're a crap wife, you resent him because you're being mistreated.

Make your bed and lie in it, when in the context of an unequal and unhappy marriage, is dangerous nonsense. This is 2013.... you have choices.

EmmaSadie · 02/11/2013 12:09

Caz1010 you most definitely are not a crap wife! Think of it another way... If you saw your grown up children in this position, what would you want for them? What would you advise them?

Twinklestein · 02/11/2013 12:45

My dad is a firm believer of you make your bed and lie in it

If you made your bed & the sheets were all knotted up would you try & sleep in it?

Far from being a 'crap wife' you're waaay too good a wife to someone who is not treating you well. You seem to conflate 'wife' and 'slave'.

redundantandbitter · 02/11/2013 13:09

" During the winter he will be here most weekends. That thought sends shivers down my spine. "

That's really worrying hun. This is not a happy relationship is it? You're stuck with him for today... But now you've spoken to us all and we've heard you cry... Now what? Think
Of all the weekends and holidays when you and your Dc's can play music and shout and have fun without him. AND YOU SOUND FAB! Really, you need to talk to him.

I stayed with my Dc's dad for 17 years. It was ok til we had kids then the balance went .. I felt small and had no money and lost myself completely. He saw me hit rock bottom
But did f **k all about it. With his passiveness he let our relationship fail. Now your DH is behaving like a child. He needs to grow up or you might decide you're all better off without him. Good luck, don't cry, keep posting. X

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 19:45

So much for me to take on board. wow
Guess the cold light of the day has dawned.
I feel so guilty, so mean that I am thinking now of tearing our family apart just coz im not happy, when the other 3 are.
I feel such a cow

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 19:53

That's is a common fear for people who have lost all their confidence due to bad relationships. The 'am I being a selfish cow?' dilemma. Not surprising really if you've been brought up by parents that told you (or demonstrated to you) that marriage = put up and shut up or 'make your bed and lie in it'. I expect you're also thinking 'the perfect relationship doesn't exist'... 'my expectations are too high'... 'at least he doesn't hit me or cheat on me'. All would be normal if your self-esteem is low and you don't think you deserve the same kind of respect, kindness and affection that, for other people are a bare minimum.

You're not a cow.

Original poster

caz1010 · 02/11/2013 20:00

My head is spinning even more now.
Really need to get my thoughts together and make some sort of decision/plan.

Just seems its all real now, as silly as that sounds.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2013 20:13

The important thing is to allow yourself the opportunity and give yourself permission to really think for yourself. It's your life we're talking about... not your Dad's, not DH's and not mine/ You started out saying 'I know I just need to suck it up' and I think it's significant that you've moved quite a long way from that already. Best of luck whatever the future holds

DifferenceEngine · 02/11/2013 20:24

You talk of the happiness of the other three.

Well he could easily make you happy, but just chooses not to

As for the kids, it isn't going to make them happy seeing you ground down like this. Plus you are modelling a shit relationship, so they will go on to abuse or be abused, passing it down the chain for generations.

YOU can stop this. Here and now.

If you want.

RandomMess · 02/11/2013 20:28

It sounds like a dire relationship

TreaterAnita · 02/11/2013 20:54

Are your kids really happy though if they have to spend their holidays tip toeing around while their father sleeps and then being his playthings when he decides to stir?

And you're meant to care about your partner, not for him, he's a grown man, not a baby or an invalid.

Lweji · 02/11/2013 21:10

I don't think your children are really happy either. :(

Lweji · 02/11/2013 21:11

And, yes, who cares about your happiness?
Apparently, not even your own father. :(

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 02/11/2013 21:37

OP a relationship should be equal with each partner caring for and supporting the other equally. The finances and housework should be equal. You are being treated like a servant- inferior, less important. This is not love or respect.

That aside, I think in posting this you have taken the first step in accepting that things have to change. That's incredibly brave of you even if it feels incredibly scary (aren't the bravest moments always the most terrifying?)

You deserve to be happy. I hope you realise that.

JackyJax · 03/11/2013 14:19

Oh what a brave post from you. You sound as if you are in shock a bit at the moment. There's no need to make any snap decisions: you just need to decide what you want for you. I understand your dad's perspective but he's from a different era.

When you get a spare half an hour (difficult I know), take some time to sit down and think about what you want.

My husband works v long hours during the week and I too feel like a single mother. However , my husband is emotionally available for me. He would be shocked if I felt like you and would want to help me feel better. He would help me brainstorm things to improve my life eg take a course, get a cleaner, go out to an exercise class. That's what people who care for you would do.

You sound like a really lovely person. There may well be sadness and fear: change can be frightening. But you are strong and can come out the other side.

Wishing you strength on the journey...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2013 14:27

"my family see the good side of him.

Abusive types like your H are plausible to those in the outside world.

My dad is a firm believer of you make your bed and lie in it"

Yeah right but you learnt that a long time ago, my guess is that you've ended up with this man who is actually not too dissimilar to him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?

Your Dad does not have to live with your day to day reality so his opinion is not valid. Living with the Dominator as you are doing now is doing both you and your children no favours at all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; surely not this awful role model of one?.

Your man won't change but you can certainly change how you react to him. Lose the Dominator (he is truly a millstone around your neck) and you and your children will feel an awful lot happier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/11/2013 14:30

Your two boys are likely to be not happy either.

Worst still they could go on to be exactly the same as their martinet/dominator dad is now. You are currently showing them that on some level this ill treatment of you by him is acceptable to you.

He will not change but you can make and enforce change. You do not have to pander to this person's every whim and fancy.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/11/2013 22:54

Why should you service, let alone love, someone who considers you as a kind of cross between a pet and a dishwasher, with a handy orifice he can stick his dick in?

mammadiggingdeep · 03/11/2013 22:59

You don't sound like a crap wife at all! He sounds like a crap husband though...and maybe a crap dad...going off every weekend in the summer, expecting you all to be in invade he wants to spend time with his family....etc etc

maypoledancer · 04/11/2013 00:22

I don't like the sound of your husband or your dad. If you have a critical parent you become a people-pleaser because you've had years of trying to please/appease the critical parent. You get used to it, it feels comfortable and normal, and you marry someone who behaves in this familiar way.

I was like you, and my husband was like yours (but my critical parent was my mum). I thought it was all my fault until I came on these boards and realised my husband was the one with the problem.

I felt the same sense of shock at being told all the things you are being told now. I felt hardly able to cope with the light that came flooding in when the shades were pulled from my eyes. I stood up for myself more and tried to get him to change but it didn't work.

I left him a year ago and it hasn't been easy but everyone in my life - friends, family, tell me how much happier I am now, even when I doubt it myself. These abusers are so good at imposing their world view on you that you internalise it and normalise it and it's a shock when you realise things don't have to be this way.

Don't tell yourself that it's unreasonable of you to want out of this marriage because it means you are making three people unhappy to find happiness yourself. Children need a happy mother and to see her respected and loved. Everyone moves on and it isn't the end of the world for anyone.

Sorry you are going through this because I really know how you feel. But I can promise you that you wouldn't feel this sense of despondency and wishing you could just run away or get some space if you were in a decent relationship. And you wouldn't feel it if you were on your own either. :)

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