BIL/SIL are totally horrible to me.

[TheHippywhowearsLippy]

My BIL is the eldest of 5 boys & 1 girl. He & his wife think & have said that they are the most important/powerful couple in the family. They are 18 years older than my DH & myself. From the beginning they have disliked me, (In fact they dislike almost everyone, but especially me) even though I am quite quiet I made an effort to get along with all the family & I do.

SIL has on more than one ocassion over the years be very rude to me at social ocassions where I can't (and wouldn't) say anything back. For example she has said that I was not good enough to marry into the family, that I am stupid & that I have no chance of ever fitting into the family. Then both her & BIL say I have a mental health issue as I don't agree with what they say/behave how they do. Now they don't speak to me at all because Of the above. I have not told anyone about this other than DH as I didn't think anyone would believe me as they always seemed the favourites. Plus I didn't want to upset my DHs parents as they are lovely & have enough to worry about.

My BIL is also my DHs boss at a large firm. Making things even trickier. At work my BIL speaks to my DH like he is dirt & frequently humiliates him infront of others. This is always passed over as "office humour", he puts him down constantly both in & out if work. DH stupidly puts up with this for a number of reasons.

Over the summer my FIL took very ill & I looked after him & my MIL. Most of the rest of the siblings live to far away to help out so it's just us & the above couple. For three weeks BIL & his wife didn't call/visit/txt. This caused a huge argument between my MIL & her oldest son & a few other family members. We were not involved at all. I got my eyes opened here and realised that maybe people didn't think so highly of them after all.

Fast forward to now & I am selling my car & I can no longer pick their kids up from school anymore, I was doing it to save PIL doing it now that they are too ill. I txted SIL to say that after the holidays they would need to find alternative pick ups as it was no longer suitable. Didn't get a reply. BIL tells my husband at work today that I wouldn't need to see SIL anytime soon as she is going to kick my head in! Yes she actually said that! Because I think am more important than them now & they have no alternative provisions.

To be honest All this has really dented my confidence over the years & have been in tears all day. My DH is furious but we are at a loss as to what action we should take. These people cannot be reasoned with but I know that she wouldn't actually be violent. However both of them would attack me verbally in a furious manner.

I think it all sounds too incestuous. For an extended family you clearly live too close together, work together, pick up kids for each other etc. They're too involved in your life full stop. It's like 'The Godfather'. You'd probably do well to move out of the area, get jobs with other companies & basically be a lot more independent. In the meantime, your DH has to stand up to this BIL (his brother? his sister's brother) about the kicking heads in remark and tell him that threats are completely unacceptable.

He needs to get a new job and you need to stop crying and prepare to stand up for yourself.

Their kids their problem to sort after school care! Your looking after Ill in laws more than what they have done! And dh needs to find a better job x

Sounds like they have bullied and intimated the entire family. Usually these things are borne from jealousy.

So she's not speaking to you? Good. Get some peace. Form your own relationship with your PILs and only see them at your house, and on your terms.

Your DH needs to discreetly start looking for another job, and complain to HR about his brothers attitude in work, or answer back that it is unacceptable.

My DH agrees that he would like a new job but retrained during the recession & BIL gave him a job so DH feels he owes BIL & BIL thinks the same. This is the only problem with his job, DH likes his company & his commute is only 20 mins away.

Yes I agree I need to grow a backbone & so does DH. it's just that I hate confrontation especially within a family.

Should I tell my PIL's?

'should I tell my PiLs?' Only if they ask outright - I wouldn't lie to cover up for your SIL/BIL, but the dispute is between you and SIL/BIL so no need to drag PILs into it. Unless they ask. That's my view, anyway! They sound an obnoxious pair - I wouldn't feel beholden to BIL, he's doubtless had his money's worth out of your DH after training him (did he train him or just employ him?) and people are always moving on once they're trained.

BIL might give your DH the push anyway if he feels like it. If I were you I'd help DH update his cv and start looking. Better for DH to jump to another job rather than be pushed.

Keep PILs in the dark. In spite of your kindnesses family loyalty can be unpredictable.

It can't be the only problem with his job, if your BIL bullies him and others go along with it. That wouldn't happen with the people I work with. And I would willingly take on a longer commute etc not to have work with bullies.

Any sense of obligation is over with now. Your DH needs to apply for other jobs and once he works somewhere else, you can drastically cut down your contact with these people and life will be much better.

"I hate confrontation especially within a family."

That's why you can't afford to have your lives so wound up with other family members. Your DH may be grateful for his job and like the company but, if he's being bullied and you both don't say anything because you fear a backlash, what price self-respect? It's an unhealthy set-up.

Your SIL and BIL don't speak to you now? I suggest you keep it that way. Now you aren't doing pick ups, make sure you don't end up doing them any other jobs.

The fact you get on well with MIL and FIL and they have backed you up is brilliant.

The next step is for your DH to get a new job. He might have owed his BIL initially but he can't owe him forever, especially now BIL is behaving so badly. A longer commute would be worth it to get BIL out of your lives.

If you want to stay close to PIL while they are ill that's lovely but after they have died, you might want to consider relocating.

I agree with the above, your dh should start looking for other work and you need to either stick up for yourself or learn to shrug it off. They are no better than you, but if you allow them to feel like they are things will never change.

It sounds like we live close because I do pick ups, we don't really they built a house about 6 months ago an relocated into the country so they are auite far away now. So thankfully I won't have to move.

I would love DH to get another job, I've asked before and It wasn't an option but I think after this he will start looking soon.

Yes PIL are nice but have no idea this is going on. I really only see BIL & Wife when we meet accidentally at PIL's house. BIL & His DW don't often attend family functions so am hoping Xmas etc won't be to difficult. But I think I should tell PIL what's going on especially with the work situation as they will find out probally from BIL.

Be careful what you tell the PILs because they can't side with either you or the BIL if they want to be fair. They may feel obliged to get involved as peacemakers and that won't help you at all. I would suggest that you and DH decide on a plan of action e.g that he's looking for new job, then announce it as a fait accompli to the PILs.

I would leave it to your DH to tell his parents rather than you gt involved.

Your BIL & SIL sound nasty, pathetic and frankly unhinged!

Does he not want the confrontation of leaving or does he not want to leave? iyswim

If the job DH does for BIL involved training then presumably he has transferrable skills that would be valuable elsewhere? He also now has experience which he didn't have when freshly trained. I doubt BIL is paying him the going rate for the work - families tend to employ other family members as a cheap option. If he doesn't want to leave because of the sense of obligation, perhaps that's an angle you could explore together?

They sound like horrible bullies, I wouldn't fall out exactly but just distance yourself, don't do the pick ups and don't bitch to the PILS let them behave atrociously and dig their own graves with everyone.
Meanwhile get husband to look for new job.

Does your DH stand up for you when this SIL is being nasty to you? The remark about not being good enough to marry into the family (and I struggle to imagine a family that exclusive - even the Windsors aren't that snobbish ... ), did he leap to your defence? Or is he as cowardly about this kind of thing same as he is at work?

Do you come from a large family yourself? Are you used to being picked on or was it a total shock to be bossed around and criticised?

You have made your points here clearly and I bet that in all other areas of your life, bar these two individuals, you can hold your own and lead an untroubled existence.

I can't imagine sitting mouse-like while someone else derides me or makes out I am mentally challenged because I don't agree with them. If your DH has spent a lifetime compromising or keeping the peace I realise it must be hard as the incomer to do anything to disrupt that pattern. I see you mention DH's other siblings live far away. I am sure that's no coincidence. You have a good relationship with PILs which is more than many accomplish. Do you have DCs? If you let them grow up seeing you kowtow to obnoxious Aunty and Uncle you do them no favours.

I think addressing the job situation would be an important step. I don't thik it's even necessary to flag up job-hunting until DH has something in the bag.

Firm up any good relationship you have with the other family members. This is not overtly taking sides or creating drama, it is making sure you and DH can lift your heads and not be browbeaten. Hopefully your nice PILs wilol live for a long time yet but when they do pass on I fear the gloves will be off and the bullying older sibling will act like the big I Am and his wife will follow suit.

My heads a mess at the min, it's just so difficult. Yes they are bullies but this isn't discussed freely. PIL seem to cover up for them & excuse their behaviour as personality traits Like I said everyone else lives hours away/in other countries so I don't get to speak to anyone else other than MIL & DH. Why are people so nasty? Maybe if u could understand that then I could get over it & not let it bother me.

DH honestly is a wonderful man but his biggest weakness is his DB. He will not under any circumstances stand up to him, presumably because BIL has treated him like this forever and hes worn down & intimidated by him.

DH was a delivery driver for the firm during the recession these jobs wee cut. BIL offered DH a job front of house in a new department so this is the only job DH has ever had. So this is why I believe he dosent want to leave. He pays him about average but he gives him perks such as a yearly bonus, company car, tickets to shows (they don't want to go to) etc and my husband thinks these perks are great & he would just be a number somewhere else.

I've worked for bigger companies & know that this wouldn't be the case but can I convince DH... no.

I have a cunt of a sil, she really is a piece of work.

Had enough of her on eday so just told her i couldnt stand her and as i dont do bullshit i wasnt prepared to give her any of my time as it was so false between us.

Havent seen or spoken to her since, bliss.

You and only you can stand up for yourself.

Why are people like this? Because people like your DH and you don't stand up to them. Because PILs make their excuses. Because there are no consequences to their behaviour. It's known as 'predatory self-esteem' i.e. making yourself feel good by making others feel bad. ALWAYS challenge bullies rather than running off with tails between legs.

On one level, this is a loyalty matter. Is DH prepared to sacrifice not only his self-respect but yours for the sake of a few perks? On another level, YOU don't have to stand there with your gob shut either. If he won't say anything, at least stand up for yourself.

As other posters have said, it is an easy ego boost to take a few cheap shots and keep you in your place. Like any bad habit it becomes second nature if it's not stamped out early on. Quite often you find others thinking, Well as long as it's not me facing their wrath or crappy jokes, I'm all right Jack.

This summer you realised this couple aren't universally loved, I think there could be more support for you than you thought. You and DH have to help yourselvges though, people won't go out on a limb for you if they think you're happy to be doormats.

Enough of being the target or scapegoats. If they can't be civil there's no reason to tolerate rudeness. Avoid or detach.

People who enjoy keeping others in their place are usually very insecure. These patterns of behaviour are deeply ingrained.

I agree with others that your husband would be better working somewhere else.

Donkeys, no I come from a small family who get on well. That's why I can't understand this behavior, I find it strange that a sibling would do this. Yes, every other aspect of my life is great. Good job, happy marriage & kids, nice house, lovely friends etc.

Made PIL's lunch as I always do on a Saturday and took it over earlier on. Turns out that BIL had called MIL & told her about the pick ups but failed to mention the threat of violence. So I told MIL my side of events very briefly, not discussing past events just the facts from yesterday. Mil wasn't one bit shocked that SIL had said this but advised that I pay no attention to it. Then pointed out that this couple have fallen out with the following:- FIL, 2 BIL's & their DW's & SIL. So I shouldn't take it personally but if I wanted to & only if I wanted to, I should try and make peace with them. (They can shove it as far as am concerned now)

Feel a bit better after talking to her because now I can see that that's just how they are & probally always will be. Also spoke to DH when I got home & he agrees, look for a new job & continue to keep our distance.