Anxiety and bf

[ToTheSup]

Am regular but name changed as bf knows mn nickname. Pom bears, center parcs, bum sex Friday, the janitor threads etc.

I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, have recently sought treatment and they think I have problems with social phobia, generalised anxiety and some health anxiety which stems from an abusive childhood and a series of abusive relationships.

Just been assessed for a course of cbt and am hopeful it will help me very much.

Have school age children and been seeing bf around 6 months. He is very intense, so am I - much of my intensity is related to anxiety.

He constantly expresses his love, all the time, sometimes I find it very stifling. I often feel under pressure to be the amazing person he seems to think I am.

When we met we became quite close friends, almost immediately, clearly with hindsight we were just intensely attracted to each other and eventually got together.

Relationship is very passionate, very open and honest or at least has been. We've had several issues which we've negotiated well.

My anxiety however has got very bad at the moment. The therapist says my anxiety is really a fear of uncertainty. I am aware that I try to control uncertain situations.

As well as being very loving and caring, he is quite spontaneous, disorganised, forgetful and often gets distracted. This makes him fun but also means I am often extremely anxious when I'm around him.

He will suggest or expect I do things which I have crippling anxiety about such as coming out to the pub with someone I am intimidated by. He often won't realise I am scared and I will pretend I am not until later then tell him when I have calmed down.

I will feel anxious whether I go or don't. He will often casually invite me to something but forget, turn up late, leave things till the last minute which stresses me out a huge (and unreasonable) amount because of my anxiety. Recently I feel like he has been taking it for granted that I am just here at home whenever he wants to come around, that mostly he comes round for sex and not much else. My sex drive is usually very high but has recently completely dwindled to almost nothing as I am anxious and have been quite depressed/am going through a stressful period due to other things.

He says he feels helpless because he can't do anything to help but wants me to feel better. If I say to him when I am feeling bad he tries very hard to make me feel better, I feel bad because I have high standards and don't want to make him feel he has to change. Also find it very hard to deal with people helping me.

He has quite a stressful and important job and I feel that I should quite rightly come second to it since I'm just a gf and also have very busy life of my own. I also am not comfortable with being in too serious a relationship because I don't think I am emotionally ready.

He is often saying he loves me more than anyone he has ever been with and wants a serious relationship. I often feel he is being unrealistic because he's just picked crap gfs before and he has no children and I don't think he understands how things would be living with mine. I also don't want that as want to retain my independence (we have talked through all this).

Trouble is my anxiety is causing me to want to always be pleasing to him, this is leading me to do things i don't want to do to please him and to go to great lengths to cover up my anxiety and bad feelings, which in turn is making me anxious and now starting to make me afraid of seeing him because I feel I will have to pretend to be this pleasing and amazing person he thinks I am.

Last night (sorry if tmi) we were doing some dominant/submissive role play during sex. I was stressed about having been to cbt, about loads of other things and with my anxiety. He had been being very nice to me, we had had really nice sex which I enjoyed very much.

I was tired and wanted to sleep as had a training day in the morn and was 1am. He wanted to carry on. Was saying he was really horny wanted me to tease him. I said no, I want to sleep, he got quite pushy about it. Said "urgh, unfair, I've been so nice to you though"

It is likely this was all part of the role play as it followed straight on from it and he likes being denied and said he had a great time but it triggered memories of past coercion and rape for me and I felt unable to express to him that I was scared. If I had he definitely would have stopped and comforted me.

We have a safety word for that reason that I just didn't say. Instead I lay there and panicked. Had racing thoughts about him using me for sex and only being "nice" with the expectation he could have some quite kinky sex in return, mentioning to him another way he had upset me, upsetting him with more thoughts he can do nothing to help, what would happen if I didn't say anything right then etc.

So today I have been anxious all day. Basically I don't feel I can cope with this relationship, though I care for him very much and I do think we are very well suited when my mental health is not quite so bad. I also can't tell if really he is being a little insensitive as well as me being extremely anxious. We seem to want different things, often it seems important to him that we have a serious future, he wants children- I don't even want to live together really, I don't really enjoy living with a partner and almost certainly don't want another child.

I think we would both be sad to split up but I'm not sure we should be together just now, wondered what mumsnet think? He's really keen to support me through therapy, I'm unsure I can cope with a relationship at all never mind such an intense one.

Sorry for the epic post.

I don't think this is a particularly healthy relationship for you. And neither do you by the looks of it. Sounds as if he is taking advantage rather than being 'nice'.

you really needed to vent

you sound so stressed! the main thing is he is telling you he's going to support you.
he's not using you for sex, but maybe you should try being abit tamer in the bedroom as it seems that this really triggers your anxiety.
I'm sure if you told him how you felt he'd laugh at you for bring silly & give you big bear hug

keep going to therapy and discuss these incidents. I have anxiety also but it's getting a bit better.
talk to your OH, good luck

I am very, VERY suspicious of people who declare undying love too often or in a too-short space of time. It does not say 'passion' to me, but 'manipulation'. Encouraging you do things you're uncomfortable with is completely unacceptable... even if you think you're going along with it voluntarily. I agree with your assessment that you should probably cool it with this person.

OP I'm sorry I missed the rape bit and just re-read.

my opinion now is he is very insensitive.

Up to a point in your post OP I thought the relationship sounded fairly good and reasonable, but towards the end it seems as though you really could use more kisses and cuddles rather than kinky submissive sex sessions.

You could probably do with some nurturing from your boyfriend rather than being dragged into situations where you're not comfortable. Handholding is a term I see used a lot here on MN and you need someone to be doing this for you while you try to get your anxiety in check.

I'd agree that this relationship doesn't seem healthy to you.
Why not have a breather for a while and see how you feel without him around?

In a truly good relationship, wouldn't you feel able to open up about when you are feeling anxious, rather than feeling the need to hide it to be "better" for him?

I used to be able to tell him when I was upset or anxious. He takes it to heart. There is an element of me feeling wary of upsetting him, he always ends up feeling he should change to fix the problem, which I don't want. It is the last couple of weeks, when my anxiety has got worse, where I feel less and less able to talk to him.

I feel like I do need handholding and not kinky sex at the moment. It is my responsibility to tell him that though really and I've not done that.

I feel quite suspicious of his declarations of love. Particularly because while we were friends and at the beginning of the relationship he expressed similar feelings for a girl from his office. She knocked him back a few times and he felt humiliated sometimes.

He is going to a conference in a neighbouring town today and staying overnight with her and others so he can drink. Similar thing to times when he's tried it on with her and she's knocked him back. Didn't tell me about it, made me feel paranoid.

Have no wish to be messed around with declarations of love I feel under pressure to return, but then maybe cheated on by him with her. Would not object particularly if he wanted to slow things right down and see other people, might suit me, but the paranoia is he's trying to have his cake (get me to be serious and exclusive) and eat it (flirt and maybe cheat). I really don't think he would do that really, I feel I am being unreasonable and paranoid.

Trouble is all we do is I am here waiting for him, he comes round, we have sex. He does things he's interested in with other people, he goes out drinking and for dinner fairly frequently (twice this week and now the conference) with workmates etc and we've only been out for dinner twice in the whole relationship, rarely out for drinks, sometimes have done a hobby thing. Last had a day out together in August. He can seem put out if I have other plans when he wants to see me.

He did invite me for dinner yesterday but I was too anxious about this girl because I feel my anxiety will cause me to decide I'm crap in comparison with her and will make me more paranoid. I also don't think I will like her, she seems to be ambitious, ruthless and a bit dishonest. I am quite judgemental. There are few people I really like. It would be difficult for him if we took against each other but current circs make that highly likely. I suspect he may still fawn over her and she still enjoys it which will make me upset.

It is messy. Anyway he wanted to see me last night and muscled in on my plans, I did want to see him but it was less than ideal and I got really very drunk and upset. I told him I don't feel I can cope with the relationship because of my anxiety. He's upset and doesn't want me to make a rash decision. I am confused, a friend is coming round tonight which will perhaps help.

Being a sufferer of G.A.D myself i understand how you are feeling at the moment and the fear of him and this woman from work certainly isn't helping at all. Honestly if i was you, I'd call it off bring it to an end and spend some time focusing on yourself and getting back to that happy medium. Easier said than done, i know that all too well but if this relationship is triggering you anxiety and you cannot trust him please don't make yourself worse due to it.

My partner listens to me rambling all the time and i trust him 100% , others i have not trusted in the past and my anxiety was out the window just going to work gave me panic attacks. You need someone you can trust and rely on , someone that you don't need to worry about.

Don't put yourself down and compare yourself to this other woman all the time either you sound like a really nice person, keep your head held high.

Hope that was of some advice ?
Hw
x

Honestly OP you have enough to deal with without being a quasi booty call for someone who's borderline coercive and makes you anxious!

If he's making your anxiety worse, he's not good for you.

Look after yourself, not him.

You say it is your responsibility to tell him how you feel and you haven't.

Your posts are full of you telling him how you feel and what you want and him muscling in, feeling upset, insisting on sex and so on.

Read them again.

I think he's actually emotionally abusing you and taking advantage of your anxiety.

I really think, after all you posted, that you should tell him you're finished and cut all contact.

I agree with Lweji, I think he's exploiting your vulnerability..

I don't know, I think as pp said he is triggering my anxiety rather than exploiting my vulnerability. I think he hasn't noticed when I've been vulnerable because I've been trying to cover it up. I also think he's insecure and that's partly the problem. He's blowing hot and cold because he wants to keep me and make sure I'm his but he wants to make sure he isn't investing too much I think.

He's just been pestering me saying he wants to be there for me but understands what I'm saying about being in a relationship. I know that's how he feels, I've told him I just need him to leave me alone just now so I can think.

I think more and more I'm just stifled by him.

I think more and more I'm just stifled by him.

I think you should hold on to that thought.

Dump the motherfucker already. Sorry to be so blunt, but this guy sounds absolutely toxic. So many red flags reading this.

Also, listen to your instincts. You feel stifled for very good reason. Please try not to let him talk you round. I know it's hard. But I really think you're doing the right thing by taking a breather. If at all possible, please make it a permanent break.

I read this as - this man is making you ill.

And I rather agree with your conclusion that you aren't in a good enough place for a relationship at all at the moment.

I suspect the sadness you anticipate feeling will be far less difficult for you than trying to stay alongside this person.

Yes, I agree meditrina. I'm not sure I will be all that sad really. I do feel relieved to have some space just now.

I don't think he's toxic, I really don't.

I do think the relationship is making me ill though.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer who also hides feelings and worries about what everyone else is thinking/feeling I really think you need to value your own feelings more. Anxiety makes you not trust yourself as to whether the feelings you are having are real or 'just' anxiety. You are squashing your own feelings down in an attempt to be the person this man wants you to be. That is not healthy. My DH is one of the only people right from the beginning who has totally accepted all I have told him about myself and my anxious feelings. I feel nothing but unconditional love from him and OP this is what you need from a partner. The kinky sex stuff is also really unhealthy if you are emotionally vulnerable. You need a partner who does not pressure you or put you in situations of whatever nature where you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. Listen to your own feelings not his.

I don't know if it's fair (yet) to say he's abusive but I don't think this relationship is good for you at the moment. You get anxious, he gets stressed because he wants to 'fix' it and can't, you feel pressured and therefore get more anxious...it's just an unhealthy dynamic.

How would you feel about telling him you want a break from the relationship so you can really focus on your therapy, then maybe depending on how you feel get back in touch when you feel stronger?

Why do you dissociate the relationship from him?
He may not be inherently toxic, but he is toxic for you.
He may be less for a person with less anxiety issues or with better boundaries.

You feel pressured to be the person he thinks you are.
He is disorganised, forgetful. You say he'll invite you for things and forget, turn up late. And you blame it on your anxiety. He's fucking up with you. I'm not anxious and wouldn't have tolerated this lack of consideration.

You spoke of his job and how you are rightfully second. Does that mean that he's not reliable and blames it on the job? No matter what job, if he really loves you, he should still show you consideration. Warn you when he's late and so on.

You are feeling he is taking you for granted and coming round for sex when he pleases. Listen to that feeling. That's probably why your sex drive is dipping.

He tries very hard to make you feel better, so you feel compelled to pretend all is well. He should respect how you feel and support you. Not put you under pressure.
Importantly, he then blackmails you with his "niceness" for you to yield to his sexual demands.
That he likes being denied is a red flag for me.

He supposedly had crap girlfriends before. How does he talk about them? They probably simply didn't put up with his crap: unreliability, pressure for sex and to move on with the relationship at light speed

And he's pressuring you to have children, which would allow him to really lay on you and would restrict you get out options.

He's keen to support you through therapy. It's one thing to be willing or available. It's different to be keen. As if you were a project of his.

I think your instincts are spot on in not wanting a relationship with this man. I think it's highly likely that if you did move in and had a baby that he'd turn out to be a grade A abuser.

Imagine a relationship with a reliable person who does what he says when he says it.
That says ok when you say you don't want sex.
Who just hugs you when you are not ok.
Who asks you if you are up to going somewhere and with X person.

It's the person.

And there are no justifications to blowing hot and cold.

He's either there for you or he isn't.
He wants a serious relationship or he doesn't.

It doesn't mean he has a "plan", but these attitudes serve to bring you into line. When is he cold? Wen you don't comply? When you don't have the sex he asks for? When you don't go where he wants?

Also listen to Turnip.

I do think your anxiety is clouding your judgement in that you think it's you, when it's actually him.

I do honestly think you should get rid of him now.

He's not slagged off his other gfs tbh. What I mean about that is that he chose (really nice) people he wasn't c very compatible with because he felt he owed them a relationship then stayed in the relationships too long. We share a lot of interests that are slightly uncommon.

He has really crap boundaries. He is worse than me.

I have been ok at asserting mine until recently.

That last paragraph is what it used to be like. It has changed recently.

Yes the lack of consideration has always been a problem. He doesn't particularly blame it on anything he just always wants to help anyone who asks so agree to too much and it makes him fail to complete things or be late and flaky.

He's definitely not pressuring me for a baby. He doesn't want one just now but I know he loves and wants children at some stage. He respects how I feel about not wanting more but it isnt an issue just now.

Lots of what you say is absolutely correct though. He is making me anxious at the moment because he's not being sensitive to my changing needs. It doesn't matter whether that's because he's distracted or a bastard.

I have asked for space anyway.

He's cold when he feels crowded but it is often after he has imposed himself on me because he has unilaterally decided I need him.