Am regular but name changed as bf knows mn nickname. Pom bears, center parcs, bum sex Friday, the janitor threads etc.
I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, have recently sought treatment and they think I have problems with social phobia, generalised anxiety and some health anxiety which stems from an abusive childhood and a series of abusive relationships.
Just been assessed for a course of cbt and am hopeful it will help me very much.
Have school age children and been seeing bf around 6 months. He is very intense, so am I - much of my intensity is related to anxiety.
He constantly expresses his love, all the time, sometimes I find it very stifling. I often feel under pressure to be the amazing person he seems to think I am.
When we met we became quite close friends, almost immediately, clearly with hindsight we were just intensely attracted to each other and eventually got together.
Relationship is very passionate, very open and honest or at least has been. We've had several issues which we've negotiated well.
My anxiety however has got very bad at the moment. The therapist says my anxiety is really a fear of uncertainty. I am aware that I try to control uncertain situations.
As well as being very loving and caring, he is quite spontaneous, disorganised, forgetful and often gets distracted. This makes him fun but also means I am often extremely anxious when I'm around him.
He will suggest or expect I do things which I have crippling anxiety about such as coming out to the pub with someone I am intimidated by. He often won't realise I am scared and I will pretend I am not until later then tell him when I have calmed down.
I will feel anxious whether I go or don't. He will often casually invite me to something but forget, turn up late, leave things till the last minute which stresses me out a huge (and unreasonable) amount because of my anxiety. Recently I feel like he has been taking it for granted that I am just here at home whenever he wants to come around, that mostly he comes round for sex and not much else. My sex drive is usually very high but has recently completely dwindled to almost nothing as I am anxious and have been quite depressed/am going through a stressful period due to other things.
He says he feels helpless because he can't do anything to help but wants me to feel better. If I say to him when I am feeling bad he tries very hard to make me feel better, I feel bad because I have high standards and don't want to make him feel he has to change. Also find it very hard to deal with people helping me.
He has quite a stressful and important job and I feel that I should quite rightly come second to it since I'm just a gf and also have very busy life of my own. I also am not comfortable with being in too serious a relationship because I don't think I am emotionally ready.
He is often saying he loves me more than anyone he has ever been with and wants a serious relationship. I often feel he is being unrealistic because he's just picked crap gfs before and he has no children and I don't think he understands how things would be living with mine. I also don't want that as want to retain my independence (we have talked through all this).
Trouble is my anxiety is causing me to want to always be pleasing to him, this is leading me to do things i don't want to do to please him and to go to great lengths to cover up my anxiety and bad feelings, which in turn is making me anxious and now starting to make me afraid of seeing him because I feel I will have to pretend to be this pleasing and amazing person he thinks I am.
Last night (sorry if tmi) we were doing some dominant/submissive role play during sex. I was stressed about having been to cbt, about loads of other things and with my anxiety. He had been being very nice to me, we had had really nice sex which I enjoyed very much.
I was tired and wanted to sleep as had a training day in the morn and was 1am. He wanted to carry on. Was saying he was really horny wanted me to tease him. I said no, I want to sleep, he got quite pushy about it. Said "urgh, unfair, I've been so nice to you though"
It is likely this was all part of the role play as it followed straight on from it and he likes being denied and said he had a great time but it triggered memories of past coercion and rape for me and I felt unable to express to him that I was scared. If I had he definitely would have stopped and comforted me.
We have a safety word for that reason that I just didn't say. Instead I lay there and panicked. Had racing thoughts about him using me for sex and only being "nice" with the expectation he could have some quite kinky sex in return, mentioning to him another way he had upset me, upsetting him with more thoughts he can do nothing to help, what would happen if I didn't say anything right then etc.
So today I have been anxious all day. Basically I don't feel I can cope with this relationship, though I care for him very much and I do think we are very well suited when my mental health is not quite so bad. I also can't tell if really he is being a little insensitive as well as me being extremely anxious. We seem to want different things, often it seems important to him that we have a serious future, he wants children- I don't even want to live together really, I don't really enjoy living with a partner and almost certainly don't want another child.
I think we would both be sad to split up but I'm not sure we should be together just now, wondered what mumsnet think? He's really keen to support me through therapy, I'm unsure I can cope with a relationship at all never mind such an intense one.
Sorry for the epic post.