would you do or say anything?

[PukingCat]

I've been aware since my dh started a new job last year, that he may like his female colleague a bit too much. Its extremely subtle, just a certain tone of voice and way he moves and facial expressions when she comes up in conversation, which isn't often. Its hard to explain but Im sure lots on here will know what Im talking about.

It actually reminds me of the way he was when he spoke about an ex who i know he cared for/really fancied, and still did a bit at the time (when we first met and weren't serious he talked about her to me).

I've just been observing and haven't said a thing. Im not convinced it would go anywhere anyway because i don't know if she feels similarly, and she is also married and in a responsible position in a company where it wouldn't be tolerated. Not sure she would risk it, but I've never met her so how would i know!

Not convinced dh would risk it either but you never know. I know how these things build up in the workplace with the sexual tension etc and how it can creep up on someone until its irresistible. Im realistic about this.

I know he would never admit it because he wouldn't want to upset me by saying he has a crush on another woman. So not sure there is any point mentioning it. But also wonder if perhaps i should to make him aware and perhaps stick a pin in the balloon of his growing crush? Not sure if that even works.

I had noticed it quite quickly after he started the job and i thought it might wear off as he got to know her but nothing is changing.

I did tell myself i might be imagining it at first but I've learnt to trust my instincts as it turns out they are good!

What would you do?

Make him aware but go at it in a leg-pulling fashion.... 'Honestly DH, the way you get that dippy look on your face when you talk about Doris in Account, anyone would think you were soft on her'.

Yes I think I would say something, I would be expecting him to safeguard his relationship with you and put boundaries around anything that could challenge that. We all have crushes, it is what we do with them that counts and understanding that fantasy is a projection of desire and not based on reality at all.

It is horrid isn't it when we sit there wondering should I speak up or not? I say we should always be able to speak up, that is what having a partnership is about.

I was thinking of buying him a copy of that book i see mentioned on here so much, is it Just Good Friends? And give it to him in a "it easily happens, i get it but you might want to read this if you don't want the consequences of what would happen if you just float into an affair" kind of way.

I've haven't read it though so not sure it was relevant.

I don't know the book but I would make a joke out of the situation too. Let him know you have noticed.

I think I'd go with what cog suggested.
Presenting him with a book is a bit full on and strikes me as a sledgehammer/nut approach at this stage.

Book is definitely overkill. All he's got at the moment, from what you describe, is a bit of a crush. It happens. Pile in with self-help books about infidelity at this stage and he'll think you've gone off your chump

Fair enough. I just thought it might be helpful for him to know how easily it can lead to affairs and the processes you go through to get there. The book is no use once the affair has already started.

No book can prevent an affair. You can make other people more appealing, however, by being inappropriately jealous.

I don't think I'd get him a book.

I mean, they're not friends, are they?

She's just a colleague you think he has a crush on.

You call it a "growing" crush - why do you think it is growing?

I'm pretty much a "deal with it straight on" kind of person, but I'm not sure there's much here to deal with.

I might tease him about it, or maybe I'd tell him I'd noticed and it made me a bit jealous (if it did).

But equally, I might not bother.

So often on here i see women who are in the aftermath of the affair and buy their dhs the book so that they can see how it happened and i always think that's a bit horse, door, bolted etc. It doesn't change anything by that point and can't undo the hurt.

That's why i thought that now might be a good idea. Because i have learnt from on here how it happens and the processes but he hasn't. Seeing as he is the one with the crush the info is of no use in my head.

I know i book won't stop an affair if all involved decide to do it, but i think being aware of how crossing small invisible lines one at a time can lead that way. That way to starting to justify it to yourself and give yourself permission to do it.

I've recently seen a female friend do just that and its carnage in the making. I didn't know until it was underway already as i don't see her often. But she has come out with all the cliches. She is justifying left right and centre and now the damage it done! Its too late.

No, you don't wait for it to escalate to an affair but that doesn't mean buying heavy-duty books either. TALK to him.

I really sympathise - it must be horrendous watching this unfold, but I agree that the book is way too much at this stage. I do think he should know you know, though - so tease him about it, acknowledge it, make it seem ridiculous.

Join.

I think i said growing because in my experience crushes burn out quite quickly once you actually get to know someone a bit and it turns out they aren't as great as first appeared. That's what i expected to happen and it hasn't.

And the friend thing i think is because often when affairs are starting the two people involved kid themselves that they are just friends so are doing nothing wrong, and then start to cross lines etc. Which is why i thought the book was called that? But like i say i haven't read it.

I don't know how friendly they are really. He doesn't talk about work people that much. But i got the impression that he really admires and respects her. She is actually directly senior to him rather than just a colleague.

Hassled. Thank you. Might do that. He will definitely deny though as he hugely goes out of his way to avoid hurting my feelings, even when Im wearing a dress 2 sizes too small with bits all hanging out of it, he still won't say it doesn't look right! Even though Im saying to him that it doesn't he will not agree with me. Drives me crazy! So there is no way he will admit to fancying another woman.

I sort of don't want to make a big deal about it either as it doesn't need to be. Im just worried that him being ignorant of how these things happen, it will happen because he won't be doing the right things to not make it happen. If you see what i mean. Of course he has choices all the way along, but i think it is easy in the right/wrong circumstances to got swept up in that and just go on the journey. Im not naive.

I also don't want to make a big deal of it because then i won't be able to keep an eye on it. At the moment Im quietly observing, but if something did progress Im sure his being aware i had suspected his crush would make him more careful.

Not that i think he would have an affair, but who does!

Also there might be a possibility of work parties at some point which would then be awkward!

"And the friend thing i think is because often when affairs are starting the two people involved kid themselves that they are just friends so are doing nothing wrong, and then start to cross lines etc."

Oh yes, definitely.

And if he was being all super friendly with her and claiming they were "just friends" and it was totally normal for him to spend all his time in contact with her, then getting the book might be a good idea.

But it sounds like you just think he has a bit of a thing for her.

Do you think it's a enough of "a thing" that it jeopardises your relationship with him?

I dunno, I'm sure I've had workplaces crushes that lasted for over a year. I just don't think it sounds like you have anything to be concerned about.

But obviously something is making you feel that you do, so I'm not saying you're crazy or anything.

Be careful that your view of the world is not skewed by what you read on this board. When people end up here it's either driven by a serious crisis or they're sounding out whether their feelings are reasonable. You're in the latter camp at the moment and your disquiet may be reasonable, but you do not need (as someone said earlier) a sledgehammer to crack the walnut. Be intelligent about it and speak up rather than 'quietly observing' ... or 'doing nothing' in reality.

'he won't be doing the right things to not make it happen'.... the 'right things' are simply saying no thanks, I'm happily married. He doesn't need a book to know that.

Join. Actually no, at the moment Im not massively concerned. I just don't want it to escalate. I don't think there is any sign of anything starting right now.

Its reassuring to hear of your crushes lasting so long. For me its always been short lived when I've found out that they might have a pretty face but they're a right twat!

Maybe that's why it bothers me a bit as time goes on, because i know it can't be based on looks alone.

Cog. No he doesn't need a book to know that but i think often with lifes stresses, pressures and all the unexpected stuff that happens its easy to act out of character or do something without mindfulness.

I think anyone can have an affair in the right circumstances, regardless of morals.

It often isn't to do with how happy their marriage is. If it were they wouldn't need to go down the process of justifying it to themselves and later (usually too late) realising that actually they love their husband/wife. It can be like an addictive drug.

"I think anyone can have an affair in the right circumstances, regardless of morals."

Me too.

It's exactly the kind of stupid shit I'd get myself into if I wasn't aware of what a gobshite I can be.

I also think address it in a light hearted sort of way for now. The book you mention - there is a website too here. You might like to have a look at it and then decide whether to look at it together, depending on how your chat goes.

Join

Agatha Thank you

I dunno, if DH thought I had a crush on someone at work and either teased me about it, or said it made him jealous, I'd be OK with that.

[although he'd NEVER notice, I don't think]

But if he wanted me to read a book about it, I'd be a bit

Agree a book is far too heavy. Especially if he has no history of I appropriate behaviour. Your dh sounds a nice guy. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

We all have crushes. I recognise when my dh likes someone by those very subtle behaviours you mentioned op. it's not how he talks about them, just body language, tone of voice etc when she is mentioned. Very subtle, but recognisable when you know someone so well.

I agree by masking a slight joke next time he mentions her is the way to go. Will prob surprise him and make hi
Wake up!

What is she like? Age? Is she your dh type looks wise?
These things often fizzle out. She prob has no idea your dh likes her!

Thanks Maple.

He is a nice guy yes No history that Im aware of. Well he was unfaithful to his first girlfriend but they were very young so probably not fair to judge him on that. I did twaty things when i was that age too.

Have you ever said anything about your dhs crushes to him? Its weird how you can tell isn't it. Its something in his facial expressions and voice and way he pauses before recalling work things that involve her. I think the pause is slightly longer?

Years ago i noticed two occasions where he was a bit attracted to women on first meeting them. Unfortunately i had made the introductions and so was a bit pissed off about it. He denied it off course. He gave one of them a flirty look which was noticed by another friend of mine and i felt rather humiliated and told him so! This was 15 years ago though so i should probably let it go!

As for is she his type, Im not sure as I've never met her or even seen a picture. I've got a couple of bits of description out of him subtly whilst discussing others in his workplace and she has the hair colour he likes. That's all i know though.

As for her knowing . . . I would imagine she does. I can usually tell when a guy likes me, and having been on the receiving end of his attentions it was quite obvious!