would you do or say anything?

[PukingCat]

I've been aware since my dh started a new job last year, that he may like his female colleague a bit too much. Its extremely subtle, just a certain tone of voice and way he moves and facial expressions when she comes up in conversation, which isn't often. Its hard to explain but Im sure lots on here will know what Im talking about.

It actually reminds me of the way he was when he spoke about an ex who i know he cared for/really fancied, and still did a bit at the time (when we first met and weren't serious he talked about her to me).

I've just been observing and haven't said a thing. Im not convinced it would go anywhere anyway because i don't know if she feels similarly, and she is also married and in a responsible position in a company where it wouldn't be tolerated. Not sure she would risk it, but I've never met her so how would i know!

Not convinced dh would risk it either but you never know. I know how these things build up in the workplace with the sexual tension etc and how it can creep up on someone until its irresistible. Im realistic about this.

I know he would never admit it because he wouldn't want to upset me by saying he has a crush on another woman. So not sure there is any point mentioning it. But also wonder if perhaps i should to make him aware and perhaps stick a pin in the balloon of his growing crush? Not sure if that even works.

I had noticed it quite quickly after he started the job and i thought it might wear off as he got to know her but nothing is changing.

I did tell myself i might be imagining it at first but I've learnt to trust my instincts as it turns out they are good!

What would you do?

Sorry forgot, age, i think similar to us, maybe slightly older. Very intelligent. Very nice by the sounds of it and a bit funny.

I've have found work colleagues attractive all my life and never had an affair with any of them.

If my wife said something to me about one, it wouldn't stop
me fancying them.....I would just try extra hard not to show it when talking about them.

If its more than that and "growing" as you say then that's different but if it's not then there is not much to stop is there.

Aren't crushes/fantasies normal even when married?

Maleview. Thanks for your reply, its good to get a male perspective.

More just not going away rather than growing.

That's what i think, that it would just make him more self conscious about what he says about her but won't change his fancying her.

Im sure he must have found others even vaguely attractive over the years, but he seems to actually like this one as well.

OP, if you were attracted to someone other than your DH, and your DH had noticed - by your manner when talking about them, as you have with him, how would you like him to handle it?

It's not a sarcy question, i'm sitting here thinking 'what would i react best to from my DH. In a way that might pull me up short a bit and make me take a step back from my crush'.

I think i'd like him to actually say to me - ''Fluff, have you got a crush on X or something, because you seem different when you talk about him''. Rather than joking about it.

Fluffy. Ooh that's a good way to look at it.

I think the answer might be joking about it actually. Because asking in a straight way would probably just make me deny it as it would my dh. I think anyway. I think that would make it seem too serious.

That makes my book idea seem even more ridiculous, because i would be offended that he would think i couldn't control myself and that i would do that to him!

I'll think about that one.

Yep - i would deny it too - if my DH said what i put in my post. But i'd go all cold and hot and feel awful inside, and think 'shit - i'm being a prat! I'm hurting my DH'.

If he did it in a jokey way i suppose i'd do and feel more or less the same, thinking about it now. Because i know him well and i'd know he'd have been wondering how to handle it and just chosen the 'jokey' way. It would be easier to laugh it off in the moment though.

sounds like hes just enthusiastic about liking his boss. he prob thinks being a bit flirty with his boss makes his life easier - she prob sees this and uses it to get more work out him.

Fluffy. Thanks for your thoughts. So you think it would have the same effect, joke or serious question?

I don't want to make a big deal of it at all, so perhaps a joke at some point is the way to go.

If you're comfy with a joke then do that. You can always raise the issue again another time, in a different way, if you don't feel your jokey comment quite hit the spot. No rule to say you only get one shot at this.

I just think in our case DH and i are very similar (quite jealous and a bit twitchy) and know that to get to the stage of mentioning it out loud to the other we would have been worrying and whittling about it for quite a while already

... so would rather just have it said nicely, but straight out!

If I think dh has a crush although a crush is more than finding someone attractive, it is the whole package! I will make light hearted jokes and tease him slightly. And call her his 'fancy woman'. He laughs too and it takes away any secrecy etc which I think is dangerous.
I always feel a little threatened as I think is also very natural when you know your dh finds someone else attractive and changes when she is mentioned.
I think they change because they find it strange to mention someone they like in a conversation with their dw. Maybe a bit guilt as they think their dw has no idea. I think this is particularly the case when they are good dh. Twats wouldn't care!
I'm always intregued to meet colleagues, so I can suds them out. Any chance of meeting her on any event?
Are they friends on FB? Text outside work?
Just as your instinct told you he liked her, your instinct will also tell you if it ever moves past the admiration stage too.

Fluffy. Neither of us is really jealous at all. We've had the odd thing come up in conversation over the years but generally its not an issue.

I think I'll just think about it for a while and see if any natural opportunities for it to be raised come along.

Maple. I agree that its the secrecy that is dangerous. You're probably right about twats not caring and that's why the go a bit weird. Its quite reassuring to think about it like that.

No events coming up where i could meet her. There haven't been any since he started there so not sure there will be any time soon. They are not in touch outside of work. No Facebook or texting.

Next time he mentions her is the perfect time to make a little joke about how he talks about her. His immediate response will be the big clue.
He will deny it, but he will know you know. Even if my dh denies it (as he would as he'd hardly say yes she's my crush!), I just continue to tease as and when it's appropriate.
What has he said about her? Anything about her lo

Looks or just her character etc?

If I'm honest, I get bloody jealous if my dh likes someone!
I find guys attractive too though...

Maple. Oh yeah i find other blokes attractive too just never any one for long.

His comments are all perfectly fine and normal things to say about people you work with. Nothing that would raise the alarm. I know what she thinks of his work and comments she's made on that, the colour of her hair because i asked when talking about someone else, i assume she is slim because i know what hobby she does . . . that came up because lots of them there do the same sport (something he would never do in a million years as he is a bit lazy!), i know she is married and what children she has and the names and i know her accent. Some have come up and then I've asked others. He doesn't say if she is attractive but he did tell me something she said the other day which was sort of funny but clever, he seemed impressed.

I have asked about quite of few that he works with as otherwise i can't remember who is who so it doesn't come across as weird or suspicious to ask about her. He does answer in that odd way though.

She has some work experience which really does impress and he can't not be impressed by that. She must be very clever. And she's a great boss. Really good management skills (that's so rare in my experience) and fair. She has complete trust in the people she has in her team and gets the best out of them by treating them with respect. It means my dh is happy at work for the first time in ages.

Sounds like i fancy her now doesn't it

By the sounds of it, I really don't think you have much to worry about. It's just annoying to see your dh behave differently when she is mentioned. But if he is loving and a good dh then I think it will be fine.
Do they work closely together?
I do think you should mention it though in a relaxed way, just do it doesn't become his secret and he will probably rethink his behaviour when he is with her because he will be conscious that you have mentioned her.
The fact she is married with dc is a good sign too.
It is so weird that we spot those subtle changes, a mixture of voice, movement and just a sense even though they don't mention her in an inappropriate way!
How long have they worked together?

It makes it worse because you have never met her and so create an image of who she is in your head.
Can you see he FB page? May reassure you?

Maple. Less than a year. She is his direct superior so they work in a largish office together and have meetings together just the two of them or with lots of others. Been on a work trip once with a couple of others but no more coming up. That got my hairs on end a bit!

He tends to be quite closed with other people but i don't know if its the same with her or if they are more pally at work. Its hard to tell. Its a strict very modern but pc sort of place with lots of guidelines in place to avoid accusations of sexual discrimination or harassment or any other problems so it would be a bad idea to start anything there. I can't see the company being happy about it at all.

Thanks for your help and reassurances

Hmm not sure what her second name is or even the spelling of her first. She's hasn't a pic on linked in as he was showing me his new workmates when he first started there.

Might look into that. Might make me feel worse though

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2011/jul/24/mariella-frostrup-jealous-boyfriend-ex

This helped me once.