Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Under pressure

36 replies

Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 09:15

Yesterday I felt very under pressure and started to cry in front of a family member.I didn't burst into tears and start sobbing... But whilst my older child was asking a million and one questions and I was dishing up dinner the tears just came.I left the room because I didn't want the kids to see me upset.Basically I feel under pressure from my partner to have the house all sorted by the time he gets home ( he works away during the week).Yesterday between giving the dcs their baths, cleaning the kitchen , dressing them for Halloween and taking them to relatives houses ...there were some jobs that I didn't finish before he came home.I felt stressed that he would be annoyed at me and would either not speak to me or start an argument.This is what happens every week- unless the cleaner comes on the day he arrives home.I think
I do a good job with the dcs, am on my own
all week and am Bfeeding several times a
night.I can't keep on top of the housework all the time.Sometimes it's perfect.Sometimes it's not.Anyway he was annoyed at me for getting upset and went off to bed early.This morning he said he can't believe how silly Im being to start an argument over something so stupid.We have been to counselling and the counsellor did
suggest he try to relax about the housework.He now wants me to just forget about it.I think a lot of his attitude towards me stems from the fact that his mother did everything at home and never expected her husband to do any housework or child rearing.I am also the main earner in the house.Currently on ml.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 09:38

Your partner is being very unfair by setting you up to fail. He was wrong to have started arguments and given you the silent treatment over housework in the past. He is doubly wrong to call you silly and stupid for being worried about precisely the reaction he has created. Now he says 'forget about it' that's just 'shut the fuck up'. BTW... don't blame mother. He's a grown man and he can make his own choices about how to be a decent human being.

I'm very sorry that you're with a bully. They're nasty to live with and you can't go to counselling with them because they're so arrogant, they will never change. I suggest you tell this man to either shape up or ship out.... and really mean it.

LEMisafucker · 01/11/2013 09:44

Could you get a cleaner?

I have friends who's partners work away and feel under pressure to make the house nice when they return - I was Shock and told them to tell them to do one if they don't like it. Then i got to thinking about it and I thought that if someone is away then maybe they just want to spend time with the family and relax. I TRY and get the house nice for the weekend, mostly i fail Grin but it isn't an issue between DP and myself. He doesn't work away.

Apart from the Get a cleaner thing - which really could make life easier, just to come and do a blitz on a friday or the day before he comes home, then you don't have to worry about it. (God i'd love a cleaner) I agree with everything that Cogito said.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 09:45

They have a cleaner and this really isn't about housework.

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 09:46

Thanks for the advice .Yes you're right.I shouldn't blame his mother.He is a grown man but when he is home he will visit his parents house about three times a day and I suppose I feel they share a lot of opinions on how things should be done.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 09:50

Three times a day? Shock Are they disabled or something? You and the DCs are his family. He works away all week, comes home and bitches about the housework, then sods off to his parents' house?.... What page of the 'Gold Plated Arse' catalogue did you find this gem? Hmm

As with all bullies, stand up to him rather than getting anxious about whether you've got the house straight enough for His Lordship. What's the worse he can do?

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 09:51

No I know deep down its not about wanting a clean house.He will leave his clothes thrown on the bedroom floor no problem.If he was here during the evening I could get jobs done much quicker.Everything seems to take so much longer and its a constant battle to keep the place clean.My priority is that the dcs are happy fed clean and having fun.I try to get out and about as much as I can

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 09:55

So he's a hypocrite as well as a bully. He's never around. He's unpleasant when he is around. Where do you see your life going realistically? Why do you think you don't deserve better?

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 09:56

Thanks cogito.You have given me some good advice in the past also.I have name changed.No they are a very close family and he has told me that this will not change .I am the one who needs to change.I keep thinking that we will sort it out, feel positive about it for a while and then it goes back to the way it was.I am finding mumsnet a great support

OP posts:
Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 09:58

That's a good question cogito.My own self esteem I suppose

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 09:58

There's no 'we' to sort anything out, is there? There's you.... managing the household single-handed, making all the effort, and having your spirit crushed by his emotional abuse... and there's him, doing his own sweet thing and determined to keep you down, desperate and under control.

This is not going to change.

LEMisafucker · 01/11/2013 09:59

oh sorry - missed that bit Blush Then i agree with everything cogito said!

RobotLover68 · 01/11/2013 10:00

If/when My DH leaves his clothes on the floor they stay there until he picks them up - you are not his maid.

In the early days he would comment that I hadn't done something to his satisfaction - I would laugh at him and tell him where the cloths were. After that he either got a cloth and did it or learned to shut up and not worry about it.

As someone above said, this really isn't about housework.

Andy1964 · 01/11/2013 10:02

Timidtessa,

OMG, I feel really sorry for you because no one should be subjected to this sort of pressure and to do so while you obviously have very young children to look after is....well.....I don't have the words for it, I'm gobsmacked.

Sorry to say this but I think you need to have a good hard critical look at where you expect to be with your family and esp your husband/partner in 5 - 10 years time. If he is like you say I don't think you will find that he comes into the equasion in the future.
Normal people do not live like this.

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 10:02

Thanks again.I just needed to hear it from someone else And not be second guessing myself.I think I am going to take a little break.I have somewhere I can go

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/11/2013 10:03

And you're the main earner as well? Shock

I suggest next time he leaves his clothes thrown on the bedroom floor, you leave them there. All week. And don't launder anything that isn't put into the laundry basket. He doesn't have clean clothes for work? TOUGH. Because let's face it, unless it's a very, very unusual job, he's not working all week while he's away; he has evenings off, and unlike you actually gets a good night's sleep. You, meanwhile, have to do all the chores and laundry for yourself, a child and a baby. He gets it easy. (I speak here as one who was the main earner and occasionally did the going away to work thing. It was a sight easier than managing the offspring at the weekends.)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 10:03

With your DCs, yes?

Andy1964 · 01/11/2013 10:04

You know what, I think you have the important things right.

As long as the children are happy, clean, fed and healthy to hell with everything else

SolidGoldBrass · 01/11/2013 10:06

This man is abusive and his behaviour is deliberate. It's got fuck all to do with the housework. His intention is to make you miserable, because in his eyes you don't know your place - which is submissive, obedient and grateful.

This man hates women. Get rid of him, because it will get worse not better, and the odds are pretty good that it will escalate from verbal abuse to physical - whatever it takes to crush you.

LEMisafucker · 01/11/2013 10:11

So basically, he works away all week, throws a strop when the house isn't to his standards, then buggers off with his parents for the whole weekend? THEN tells you YOU have to change, like it or lump it? Fuck that!

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 10:15

Yes with the dcs.i don't think anyone would guess he behaves this way towards me .Anyway Im not letting my confidence in myself be eroded any further.I have two gorgeous happy children who I am enjoying time with and I am not wasting this time walking on eggshells around him.

OP posts:
AnyBagsofOxfordFuckers · 01/11/2013 10:29

I know a surefire way to change that will make you so much happier: go from married to separated.

You are the main earner,you do everything with the kids,everything around the home,he's away all the time, or at mummy and daddy's and then he has the audacity to be like that to you and say it's you who has to change?! Why would you tolerate this?! You are basically living as a single mother anyway, except for when he deigns to come home and slag you off for not being a bloody miracle worker. This mum of his that never expected men to lift a finger - I bet she wasn't also the breadwinner, was she?

As SGB, this man hates women. The main reason he is like this about the housework is not actually because of his upbringing, it's because he does not comprehend that you are a real, true human being like him, nor does he want to. You are something that makes his life how he wants it to be. He wants a pristine home, he wants to look like Mr Family Man. He does not want to think about the reality of how hard that is, or how unfair, because it'd be like listening to the vacuum cleaner moaning about hoovering to him. You are an appliance that he utilises to make his life how he wants it, just like a car or a phone.

Am glad you are going to take a break, because a father like this will really damage your DC.

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 10:32

Thank you all.The house will be clean when he comes home tonight.It will also be empty.

OP posts:
DottyboutDots · 01/11/2013 10:57

Tessa. I once lived with a man who made me feel like you. We were not married and I had the more stressful job. I was in permanent anxiety that I wasn't behaving how a 'wife' should and to this day, I'm not sure how he did it. I spent my entire time feeling slightly sick. We were floating a firm so I regularly stayed v late. One night I was having a quick last orders g&t with the team,before getting a taxi and was biting my nails, which I had never done before and I also had lost over a stone. My boss fixed me with a gimlet eye and said "whoever this is that makes you feel this way, when you need support at home, I would suggest you leave before you are trapped". I did two months later and now looking back I just can't believe that I had let it happen. He did hit me in the end but I was already leaving.

Good luck with your decision to leave.

Original poster
Timidtessa · 01/11/2013 11:32

Dotty we are not married either.After many years together.I don't think I ever passed the test

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/11/2013 11:41

He hasn't passed your test... Let him go back to Mummy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread