I don't know what to do

[LucyInTheSky78]

Oh God. I feel like dying.

To cut a long story short, I've been married 1.5 years. Before we got married I discovered he'd been watching porn for hours everyday. He was careless & always left multiple pages open and a couple of times I was standing next to him when the pages would be revealed.
I didn't say anything to begin with but when I actually looked, I saw how much he was using it every day. One day it was a 'closed session' webcam page and I asked him if he was using webcams. He said it was just a pop up from somewhere else and basically lied until I told him I wasn't blind and knew he was looking at porn all the time while I was at work. I told him that it made me feel disrespected and he wrote me a lovely letter saying that I was the last person in the world he wanted to hurt and that he'd stop (plus lots of tears).

He didn't. He just learned to cover his tracks better now that I was paying attention.
I asked him calmly once if he was addicted to porn and he said he thought he was because it was something he's always done everyday. And would check his favourite websites like he would check the news.
He continued by saying it was a stress reliever but that he didn't need it so was happy to stop.
He told me that he'd tell me if he started on it again.

He lied.

He also changed his tune a little and said that all his friends watch porn and are still good husbands and fathers, that it was just something people watched for many reasons. This was quite a change from all the initial crying. Anyway, he continued down the line of 'I don't need it anyway' and after a while, I learned to trust him again.

A few weeks ago I started getting a horrible feeling in my gut. Absolutely nothing to base it on. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no. I told him that I feel there's something terribly wrong - I could just feel it in my bones. He looked at me like I was nuts and said everything was fine. I asked him for the first time in a long time about porn usage and he said it was gone & that he doesn't even think about it anyone.

Now tonight I was lying in bed, I couldn't sleep and was flicking through Twitter. I hadn't looked at his profile in a while so went to it. In his 'favourites' he favourited this morning, a prostitute's tweet advertising glory holes in London. She advertises about being on Adult Work too.
He's been going down to London every few months in the last year to sit exams. So you can imagine where my mind is going.

Is there any point in asking him if I need to get STD tests done? We have a 6 month old baby.

Am I wrong in thinking it's gone beyond online porn? Clearly he's favourited this tweet by accident. The new layout makes that very easy to do on the phone app. But it still shows what he's been looking at/searching for.

I feel sick. I have a four year old from a previous relationship and she considers him her dad. I feel trapped. I'm still on maternity leave FFS! My life is falling apart. He's sleeping now and I don't know what to say to him tomorrow.

I'm sorry for rambling.

Am here, I didn't want to read and run. Are you still awake? If so, try to get some sleep now. Whatever happens, you need your rest.

It sounds as though you must, for your own sanity, talk to him tomorrow. Will you have some time without DD1, and DC2 is sleeping? you must be calm and direct, you need to know the truth.

And get the STD tests no matter what he says.

I am so sorry, I don't have any great advice but the ladies who post on here are brilliant, and will help you. I do think though, that an STI test will be needed, sorry.

It really does sound that a confrontation will be needed. If you read some other similar threads on here, you will see that you are not alone, there are many women on here that have gone through the same thing, and have come out the other side. You do not have to put up with this level of disrespect in your relationship. For you.

I didn't want to read and run either, but I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom beyond you need to get some RL support for you. And if you are thinking that you might split up, you ought to take some screen shots as evidence of your husband's behaviour (which isn't normal, BTW, please don't let him tell you that)

Since this man lies as automatically as the rest of us breathe, you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He's a determined porn user for certain, he's never stopped (because he's a sly liar) and it's very clear he's upped his game to hookers for his little trips to London. I don't know why you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt and I really worry about what this is doing to your self-respect, never mind your sexual health

Confront him with packed bags. This man is never going to change.

:( so sorry you're going through this.

You need to confront him but be prepared that he'll lie. Unfortunately the only thing that might motivate him to REALLY change would be to lose you. He hadn't left you with much choice, if you remain in a relationship with him you'll be checking up on him all the time. He's promised and lied too many times.

Have you got a good friend you can talk this through with? Somebody that you trust?

Thank you so much for all your responses - it really is a huge comfort to not feel so alone.

I asked him about it very calmly and he denied it. He's now trying to convince me that it is just some horrible mistake. At first he said it must be some kind of spam messing with his account. I told him that was utterly ridiculous.
He then said that in the 'discover' section of twitter, the tweet must have been there and while he was scrolling down, he's favourited it by mistake.
I told him that in the 'discover' part, you see main tweets - like, the first tweet of a subject or comment, not the last tweet in a conversation, which was her and this other account user discussing her personal twitter account name (it was the last tweet in the conversation that he favourited). I hope that makes sense.

He then said he had a couple of dodgy 'friends' on twitter who would retweet dodgy stuff and so perhaps he had accidentally favourited it that way. I told him that nobody had retweeted any part of the conversation and he wasn't following either of the people in the conversation, so no chance of an accidental favouriting of something without being on the woman's page to begin with.
He then just said that he has no idea how it happened but is maintaining it's a mistake and that he wasn't viewing any pages like that.

I told him that I can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth as he's lied so many times before. He then went on to say that I have issues from my past that are colouring everything!!! He mentioned my first child's obsession with school girl porn, and when years ago it came out that my cousin's husband who I adored had been sleeping with prostitutes all their marriage and so this has tainted my vision of reality of people, that I am projecting this on to him!!!

I told him that I am not the one with issues and that if none of those things had happened, it was no effect on what's happening now. He disagreed. So basically I am the one with the problem.

As for personal finances, they're shit tbh. His exams are expensive, we don't have much savings and I'm on less money being on maternity leave, which will get worse.

It's all such a mess.

So he blames 'an accident', Twitter, his friends, you, your DC and even your cousin's husband.... But takes no responsibility and is not even decent enough to be apologetic. Says it all really.

I have issues from my past that are colouring everything!!!

What a charmless fucker, he lies and lies and lies and now its your fault?

He is an inadequate liar who shirks responsibility and tries to blame his DW for all his nasty little failings.

I don't like liars and I fucking despise those horrible little cunts who try and twist their sordid problems onto their partners. It's a nasty,insidious form of abuse and it needs to stop right now.

He doesn't sound very pleasant.
Does he have any redeeming features?

Prostitutes, porn addiction, lying and general nastiness tend to be deal breakers in most relationships.

Stop trying to talk to him. What's the point when he is as addicted to lies as much as porn, sleaze and prostitutes.

Tell him to leave. Tell anyone who asks exactly why. Please don't try to cover up his disgusting behaviour.

For your own sanity just get on with it. Leave it and at this rate you'll end up believing it really is your fault. The finances will work somehow. They always do. Apart from you it's also a dangerous environment to be bringing up children. Don't think they won't see it at some stage. They will.

So sorry. Sorry also that my post is a series of instructions. I truly feel for you.

God I just noticed a typo in my last post, what I meant to say was my husband said I have issues with my first child's dad's liking to school girl porn (as in 18 year olds dressing as 13 year old school girls kind of porn).

I'm certainly not one to dwell in the past. I left my last relationship when my baby was 3 months old. School girl porn being one of the main reasons amongst lots of other fucked up shit. I moved in with my family before going back to work, claimed what benefits I could get and was able to afford a lovely little house in a nice place with lots of old friends near by. I remember how proud I felt of myself and how happy and lucky I was to have made it out of Hell alive with my beautiful daughter. I'd never been happier than being a single mum. I had everything I wanted: a job, a house, fantastic friends, independence.

I only told my husband about the school girl porn during one of our fall outs over his porn and now he seems to be using it against me.

I must say though that despite a rocky start (mummy's little prince who never had to lift a finger), he now does a lot around the house. And he is great with the kids. He's a good dad. He does his fair share of night feeding, nappy changing, playing etc.
On the surface, he treats me very well. Which makes it all the more confusing.

But I realise that he's in complete denial and blaming me for experiences I've had in my life for my reaction to his consistent betrayal is a new blow below the belt. I wonder if he was ever truly sorry for his behaviour.

For reasons I can't go into, we have to wait a year. I told him I want a divorce when that time is up because I can't lie back and let him walk all over me. That I promised myself that if it happened again that would be it. I said there was no doubt in my mind about what he was looking at in twitter. He asked me why on earth would he meet up with some woman when he had me, and I replied that it was an age old question.

I just can't believe history is repeating again. I told him that I'm not angry with him, and that it doesn't even hurt anymore but I'm angry with myself for the hard-fought-for life I threw away.
I just feel stupid now. And I am too embarrassed to tell my friends this. I have confided in one friend before and she like me thought it was all sorted now. I don't think I'm ready to actually say all of this out loud to anybody yet.

And I do feel shame. Why the hell is that? Logically I know it's wrong but I can't help but feel it's a terrible secret that must be kept.

Don't feel shame Lucy, your DH is a bully and bullies are cowards who use all the tricks in the book to appear like the the "nice guy" , nice guys don't throw a loved ones horrid past experiences back at them during an argument, it's a technique to make you doubt yourself and eventually back down.

Don't feel stupid, you have been lied to and manipulated and it isn't your fault. You've picked yourself up and dusted yourself off before and you can do it again!

Lucy. I can imagine how you feel about the lovely life you had built up before you met him. How gutting to think you gave it up. But you could have it again - you've proved you are more than capable. Would you consider a legal separation prior to divorce if you aren't able to go for dv for another year? I'm sorry for your present situation and to think you might have to think 'here I go again'. I have no real constructive advice, for which I apologise, but I just wanted you to know that I do not think you should feel any shame whatsoever. I wish you lots of strength.

You have nothing to be ashamed about. Don't keep it a secret either. He's the one who should feel ashamed and embarrassed

I just can't say enough how much I appreciate you all taking the time to reply with such amazing support. not.going.to.cry

BOOsterseat, what you said about nice guys not throwing horrible past experiences at people for their own manipulation makes so much sense. You've summed it up perfectly. Do you mind if I use that? I couldn't word it any better than how you put it.

After reading all your replies, I feel like my confidence is growing again. I was starting to wilt, feeling guilty and doubting my request for a divorce because of hurting the kids when it was me that made a bad choice, that I should just suck it up and get on with life. But I can see again that that is no example to teach my daughters when they're older.

I know too, that if my husband was accusing me of something with such serious consequences that I didn't do, I'd be bloody livid. But he's been freakishly calm throughout. Fucking liar.

Nah, I've been through too much to give up now. I love life. I know how brilliant it can be, and I'm going to get it back come hell or high water.

MASSIVE hugs to you all, you've no idea how much you've helped me xxxx

Go Lucy!

Ps. One thing, he thinks you've got 'issues' because you objected to the paedophile style porn your previous partner enjoyed? Ummm, don't forget that one. And please, please, please tell anyone who asks. Shame? Yes. His.

You sound awesome.

Sorry, but it says a lot about your own boundaries to marry someone so hung up on porn.

He's a pathological liar.

There's nothing to salvage.

If he's been sniffing at underage porn for a nano second and you can prove it, he can only see his kids under supervision.

I expect he won't bother.

Unlikelyamazonian, it was my previous partner who liked that kind of porn. I left that relationship.

You write this in your op: I've been married 1.5 years. Before we got married I discovered he'd been watching porn for hours everyday

use whatever you need to Lucy

I hope you can summon the strength you know you have.

Unnecessarily aggressive posts Unlikely, your tone is really unpleasant.

And the OP has never said that her current partner uses underage, or rather pseudo underage, porn. That was her previous partner.

Just your description of him makes me skin crawl Lucy. Wouldn't want that bad example of a man around my dcs either. Good on you for your positive outlook on your better future to come. You sound ace.