I don't know what to do

[LucyInTheSky78]

Oh God. I feel like dying.

To cut a long story short, I've been married 1.5 years. Before we got married I discovered he'd been watching porn for hours everyday. He was careless & always left multiple pages open and a couple of times I was standing next to him when the pages would be revealed.
I didn't say anything to begin with but when I actually looked, I saw how much he was using it every day. One day it was a 'closed session' webcam page and I asked him if he was using webcams. He said it was just a pop up from somewhere else and basically lied until I told him I wasn't blind and knew he was looking at porn all the time while I was at work. I told him that it made me feel disrespected and he wrote me a lovely letter saying that I was the last person in the world he wanted to hurt and that he'd stop (plus lots of tears).

He didn't. He just learned to cover his tracks better now that I was paying attention.
I asked him calmly once if he was addicted to porn and he said he thought he was because it was something he's always done everyday. And would check his favourite websites like he would check the news.
He continued by saying it was a stress reliever but that he didn't need it so was happy to stop.
He told me that he'd tell me if he started on it again.

He lied.

He also changed his tune a little and said that all his friends watch porn and are still good husbands and fathers, that it was just something people watched for many reasons. This was quite a change from all the initial crying. Anyway, he continued down the line of 'I don't need it anyway' and after a while, I learned to trust him again.

A few weeks ago I started getting a horrible feeling in my gut. Absolutely nothing to base it on. I asked him if anything was going on and he said no. I told him that I feel there's something terribly wrong - I could just feel it in my bones. He looked at me like I was nuts and said everything was fine. I asked him for the first time in a long time about porn usage and he said it was gone & that he doesn't even think about it anyone.

Now tonight I was lying in bed, I couldn't sleep and was flicking through Twitter. I hadn't looked at his profile in a while so went to it. In his 'favourites' he favourited this morning, a prostitute's tweet advertising glory holes in London. She advertises about being on Adult Work too.
He's been going down to London every few months in the last year to sit exams. So you can imagine where my mind is going.

Is there any point in asking him if I need to get STD tests done? We have a 6 month old baby.

Am I wrong in thinking it's gone beyond online porn? Clearly he's favourited this tweet by accident. The new layout makes that very easy to do on the phone app. But it still shows what he's been looking at/searching for.

I feel sick. I have a four year old from a previous relationship and she considers him her dad. I feel trapped. I'm still on maternity leave FFS! My life is falling apart. He's sleeping now and I don't know what to say to him tomorrow.

I'm sorry for rambling.

*my

Sorry, not meant to be aggressive. Just matter-of-fact. This man has to go.

And perhaps once she's got him out of her life she can do something like the Freedom Programme to try to create strong boundaries for herself and her dc.

Op, you outline very precisely what is wrong with your H. Have you considered contacting Women's Aid?

All the best

Agree with unlikely Run for the hills Seriously.

I sat down last night to work out finances, and I can't believe it. As far as I can tell (all estimate calculations), going back to work part time when my maternity leave finishes, I'll actually be better off financially. Thank God for tax credits! I'd be absolutely goosed otherwise.

I'm just getting my head around a new reality now. Nice and calm. It's a bit of a grieving process, when you realise the future you thought you had with someone isn't going to happen.

I've been going around the house replacing photos of us with just photos of the kids. It might not sound like much but it's really helping me to accept this new reality.

I really do have to sit tight for a little while and I'm sorry I can't elaborate but I feel so much better knowing that I don't have to worry about keeping a roof over my kids' heads when the time comes. And time flies when there's so much to organise.

I had a little cry last night in bed because I couldn't sleep and was feeling so bad for my 4 year old, how she's going to feel about daddy not being home anymore. I felt so guilty because if I hadn't made such a bad decision she wouldn't have to go through it. Meanwhile, I could hear my husband snoring on the sofa (his new bed). No sleep loss there then.

Anyway, I think it is right that I must have some sort of issue that could explain why my life is practically repeating itself and I reckon I seriously need to explore that. Tbh, I can't imagine ever getting involved with anyone else. Doesn't seem worth the risk but I still need to get to the bottom of shit decision making.

You sound amazing and very together.

I dumped my prostitute using arsehole of a STBXH last April.
I'm in a rush but wanted to say...

• big hugs, it's shit, but not your fault
• even if you don't divorce yet, be clear with him that it's OVER. I spent years (for practical not strictly financial reasons) staying with mine when I was suspicious, it's soul destroying
• the lying is all too familiar. Funny how easily these inexplicable and far fetched mistakes are, isn't it? You know what? The ONLY person I know to have experienced accidental looking at peostitutes etc (pop ups my arse) is the one who was doing it. None of my self admitted porn watching friends - make or female - or boyfriends - have EVER had an accidental registration with an escort site!
• I have a 4yo. She has been perfectly happy with the split, two homes etc. totally unaffected.

Thanks for sharing that Cabrinha. It's amazing how far these people go to deny deny deny. It's like looking at a kid whose mouth's covered in spaghetti sauce and they'll still deny they ate it!

I'm sure if I walked in on him being sucked off he'd tell me it was a trick of the light.

The cruel thing is though that they know how much you want to believe them and are happy to mess with your head rather than just tell the bloody truth.

How did you find out for sure he was using prostitutes?

Hi Lucy
There were lots of signs really - retrospectively! He even had a letter from the kerb crawling unit warning his vehicle had been seen acting suspiciously!!!! But - unluckiest man alive, he was driving slowly round the block looking for a parking space to go but KFC!
It's too easy to believe them because you feel gobsmacked it could possibly be true! I honestly think I'd have read the writing on the wall quicker had it been a "regular" affair.

In the end I was pretty sure but he always claimed things like escort sites on browser was just looking, curiosity.
Then he gave me an old phone was my broke. He'd forgotten (was complacent?) his had loads of deleted texts to unsaved numbers - which fitted with arranging appointments. All dates I was away with our child.
I confronted him, he admitted it was prostitutes, but still that he "never went through with it". Bullshit. But I said "we both know you're lying, but you do know that even if you never went through with it, it's still enough? Enough for me to leave you".

He got less careful after we split (still house shared for 4 months). Things like massage parlour address in SatNav!

It's incredibly powerful to just deny deny deny. Ultimately though - I just didn't care if he admitted it or not. I was done with it all.

I'm now very happy (7 months on) and my 4yo is fine.

Good luck! x

Thanks for getting back to me Cabrinha. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that but I'm so chuffed for you that you found your way out with your child and that you're happy again. The lies are so shocking. They're so ridiculous but still so shocking.

I posted this last last night but it doesn't seem to have gone through properly so I'm trying again.

I'm so utterly confused now I just want to curl up and die. My H came home last night and came looking for me (minding my own business in the bedroom). He told me that he knows now for certain that he has an addiction to porn.
He said it used to be every day but he thought he had it under control by only looking at stuff every couple of weeks and only for a couple of minutes (on his phone in the bathroom).
He said looking up prostitutes was part of the porn addiction. That he has this continued curiosity with prostitutes, that they are all part of the fantasy world.

He then told me that 6 years ago he and his friend used to visit a brothel. Women would stand and dance and you would pick the one you wanted (oddly, I can't help but feel so sorry for the women).

Condoms were always used. He went 5 times over 5 weeks and had oral, anal and vaginal sex. Why did I ask for so many details? All I can do now is imagine the scene.

He said that they went at weekends and then his friend started wanting to go but he stopped. He said he always felt like shit afterwards. I don't understand why you would go back then. I can't get these images out of my head. What am I supposed to do with that?

He said he was single at the time and had no interest in having a relationship but his friend had two girlfriends at the time. He says he knows of 3 friends who have used prostitutes.

He says it was a long time ago and that everyone has a past.

I asked him if he ever thought of me and the things he'd promised me about porn when he was sitting in the bathroom and he said no. That it was separate from 'real life'.
But now he sees these different compartments of his life colliding, that he doesn't want to lose his family and that he's going to get professional help.

I asked him why he had to say this after being caught again rather than coming to this conclusion himself. He said he got such a shock when I threw him out the bedroom (never done that before), when I removed all photos of him and asked for a divorce it hit home to him the damage he had done.

What I don't understand, is if sleeping with pristitutes made him feel so bad, but he needed to satisfy his curiosity, why still look them up now amongst the porn? I asked him and he said it was all part of the same world of porn but he would never risk his marriage with prostitutes now.

If I step out of the situation and look in, I'm really struggling that he treated women like that, regardless of anything else. And it's not like he was 18, he was in his late twenties.
I think he should have told me this before we married. I don't know what I would have done but I would have liked the option, if that makes sense?

What do I do? What if he is genuine in what he says and I throw away a marriage that could have been saved? Or what if it's all bullshit and I'm just setting myself up for more heartache down the road?

I asked him what he would have done if he'd never made that mistake on twitter and he sort of muttered that nothing would have happened.

He told me his friend, who recently got married, told his wife before they married about his past.

I'm still stuck in the loop of imagining him having sex with prostitutes.

Please help me, I'm cracking up.

This doesn't change anything, does it Lucy. He's only confirming what you already know. He's had a porn habit for years - he lies about stopping and then carries on as usual. He pays women to have sex with him. He didn't feel bad about it. He did it many times and it looks like he is doing it again.

I'm sorry I wouldn't want a family with this man.

Get him out.
Don't try to understand him.
If he REALLY has an addiction - and frankly, smells like bullshit to me - then accept the 3Cs as you'd have to if it were alcohol or drugs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you sure as hell can't Cure it.
Let him move out and work on the long hard road to recovery if he wants. He can come crawling back when you don't HAVE to try to understand why, he'll be able to understand why and tell you.

Here's a big thing my friend said that helped me. Basically, I was always looking to understand his behaviour, and in looking for reasons, I was basically providing (to myself) excuses. Just because you can understand it, doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Nowadays, I honestly couldn't give a flying fuck why he did it! Who cares? It was wrong, and I am worth more.

The addiction stuff is bullshit. Wait and see how little he does to get over that, and how quickly he decides he's cured. I bet if you dump him, he won't act on getting cured either.

I would walk away, honestly. If it were an addiction, it's a very secretive one. Want to spend the rest of your life wondering? Checking his phone when you can? It's no way to live.

Who gives a fuck what his mates have done?
It's utterly irrelevant and he's trying to make it sound normal. So - what is this, something normal, or an addiction?

Obviously I'm massively biased!

But even if he never did it again, you'd wonder. And think that's YOUR fault for not trusting, letting go of it... No. It would be HIS fault for fucking up in the first place. Sometimes, whether it's an addiction or whatever, it doesn't matter if they can stop, if they're sorry, if they never do it again - it really is too late, they have broken it. And that's a shame - but it's how it is, and it's his fault.

I couldn't sleep with my ex once I suspected - knew, really. There was no intimacy either. This weekend, my new boyfriend casually slipped his arm around me, and I nearly cried. I had missed that so much, just being happy and affectionate. Don't end up with half a life.

Don't feel this is the only way to save your marriage - staying. It isn't. If it can be saved, you have the option of him going, and sorting himself out, and hoping you'll take him back. I expect he won't like that option. Which tells you everything you need to know about how much effort he's prepared to put in to fix what HE has broken.

Sorry for ranting - so angry on your behalf!

I wouldn't want to raise a daughter with someone who hates women enough to use prostitutes.

Or a son, for that matter. :(

Oh and the fantasy thing... I even asked my ex if it was a fantasy, early on. He's thick as two short planks so at least couldn't manipulate me by jumping on the lifeline I offered! Just said "dunno why I do it". Arsehole. Anyway - I'm ashamed now to say this, but at the time I said "if it's fantasy, you need to look at escort sites in x place (other end of country) not local". And guess what? He still looked at the local ones, because it was not a fantasy. He was booking them.