Is this an emotional affair or just a friendship?

[outhere22]

Does an 'emotional affair' always involve feelings? I always thought it did by it's name/definition but if a male and female have frequent secretive, flirty contact but don't have any real feelings for each other - is that an emotional affair or just an inappropriate friendship?

Shirley glass quiz is in the middle.

If someone is doing something they wouldn't do openly in front of their partner than a line has been crossed, regardless of what you call it.

I think without feelings it's hard to classify it as an emotional affair.

Even with the benefit of Shirley Glass quizzes I think emotional affairs are very hard to nail down. And some people do have an unreasonable definion.

So Worcester, complaining about your partner to a same sex friend would count as crossing the line?

I think the operative word is 'secretive' . If it's something they wouldn't do in front of partners then it's suspicious .

Try asking the spouses if it's an emotional affair. If flirty and secretive, the answer if likey to be 'yes'

Why do you ask?

Why would you have frequent, secret, flirty contact with someone you had no feelings for?

Because it's exciting, it relieves the bordeom of the day, it's good for your self-esteem and because there are no feelings and no sex you think it's safe?

Basically ,anything you feel you can't tell your partner is classed as an affair in my eyes. So when you say secretive texts / meetings ,no matter how innocent it may seem , there's obviously a reason why it's a secret ...

Does it matter? Inappropriate friendships have been known to damage marriages, too. Think about two men who spend so much time together at the football club/drinking/in the shed, etc., that their respective wives and DC are largely ignored and left to their own devices.

If it's damaging the relationship in some way, it's harmful and should be stopped (assuming you're not a jealous control freak who doesn't allow her OH to have friends and hobbies - and nothing in your OP leads me to think you are).

So you think there must be feelings or you wouldn't bother?

I found some emails between dh and a colleague (not their work email, personal accounts, sent during work and outside of work time), they all seem quite flirty although nothing really bad but he doesn't ever mention her to me and yesterday day he came in from work as he ended a phone call and said it was a male colleague, have just looked at his phone and it was her.

He says they are just friends at work and he has no feelings for her and hasn't done anything wrong.

He has lied to your face about talking to her, so in my eyes, whatever else he has done, he has proved himself to be untrustworthy. I would be very surprised if there is nothing more than flirting going on if he is prepared to lie about talking to her.

You're spidey senses are triggered for a reason.

But I didn't sense anything, I just saw the emails by accident when I picked up his phone. He has been normal

It sounds to me as though your DH is standing on the precipice. Right now it probably hasn't gone any further than what you've seen - a few slightly flirty emails. Your DH may even believe that it's completely innocent. Most people drift into affairs rather than calculatedly decide to have them - the calculating behaviour comes afterwards, once they've already crossed the line and seek to justify it.

Your DH now has a choice. He can recognise the potential for this to become a direct threat to your marriage and take steps to prevent that happening. Or he can continue to argue that nothing is going on and carry on contacting this woman while you both wait to see if it will tip over into something. IMO doing the latter when it is only a casual friendship he is defending is akin to reckless endangerment to the marriage - the threat is there and obvious and he is choosing to ignore it.

Normal? Does he normally lie about who is on the phone to? Why do you think he did that?

I'm not convinced it is an EA but he's sniffing the air, otherwise why the lies?

You should have a look through his phone, call history, texts ect without him knowing that may give you some idea if anything is going on or how long it has been.

He said he thought I may worry - I wouldn't have but now he's lied I obviously am. I don't have a problem with him being friendly with his colleagues but I think it's a bit odd that they are in contact in the evening when he sees her everyday at work.

Evening contact isn't necessarily unusual. I wanted to text a colleague earlier about something I think she'll find amusing but I didn't because I don't want to invade her private time. But if they've given each other the signal that family time is OK then I think purely friendly contact can go on at all hours.

But it's the flirting and the lying that would worry me. Is he generally flirty with women?

The lying is a worry. What is he hiding? He's doing something that he doesn't want you to know about, even if it is 'just' flirting, and therefore, in his own mind he has crossed a line.

Regardless of the definition, his behaviour here is inappropriate. Secrecy is very corrosive and 'I thought you'd worry' is no excuse for lying. Flirty texts/mails are unacceptable and you'd be right to tell him to stop. Dahlen is quite right that people can sleep-walk into affairs unless their behaviour is challenged head-on. You don't want to be the type of DW/DP that is constantly checking up or flinching every time a text message arrives ... but that's what will happen if he doesn't regain your trust.

Anything other than the truth in a relationship is disrespectful to the other person. Secrecy and lies will knock the foundations from under any partnership and should always be challenged.

Do not let him minimise, project, displace (I thought you would be upset....etc). Infantilising and taking away someone's choice is IMHO a deal breaker.

I hope you get the respect that you deserve op

It could turn into one. I've been the partner having an emotional affair. It started just chatting to an old school friend, then him supporting me as I struggled with my emotionally abusive marriage and finally drifted from a slightly flirty tone (I'm a flirty person) to sexually charged.
I left my husband, and I'm with the person in question. I never intended it to turn into what it did, but if I'm honest I did have a crush from the start and I encouraged regular contact. Talk to your husband. He might not even see where he is heading.

Now that would worry me. DH had an EA years ago, wont go into details but he knows now that he has to be honest with me and if I find out he's hidden something then he will give me cause to distrust him again.

He has female friends and keeps in contact sometimes outside of working hours but all calls/messages are open, and he doesn't try to hide it. There is certainly no flirting.

If your DH was worried that you might think differently and kept it from you, he knows there is an element of this friendship that isn't quite appropriate. He wouldn't hide it otherwise.

It may not be a full blown EA at the moment but certainly looks like it could be heading that way and your DH will continue to swear blind that its nothing more than a friendship.

Tothe it helps if you take what I said in the context it which it was written, otherwise it is completely meaningless. I would have thought that was obvious.

He is lying to you about contact with her.

So even HE knows this is not just a normal friendship.