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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financially Reliant on DH

48 replies

Rosduk · 31/10/2013 15:41

I love my husband, he's very kind and a good dad but he has an enormous hold on me in regards to money.

Our daughter is 2.5 and we lost our newborn son last nov and I am now 12 weeks pregnant again. I was working for a few months before I got pregnant this time but after the complications in my last pregnancy we decided I wouldn't work through this one.

I have found now that we are comfortable with money, we can afford occasional small treats and can pay all our bills and have a little money left over to save each month but DH just will not let me spend anything other than household /food stuff. I just bought a Halloween DVD of her favourite book for DD which cost £3 and he really had a go at me. I am allowed a hair cut just before the baby is born in MAY and am not allowed to upgrade my old broken phone because it was my fault it doesn't work.

He sounds horrible, he really isn't but I have told him this demeans me but it just happens again and again. I know if I just go abd get my hair cut he would have a go then just get over it but I am so sick of this pattern.

Any advice? I am looking/applying for some virtual admin jobs from home as I wouldn't earn enough for child care before she's 3 but not much luck so far...I just need my own money again!

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 15:47

What is not horrible about a man who wants you to be poor while he is rich?

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 15:51

Hmmmmmmmm that is seriously wrong. Have you asked him how he would feel if you controlled the purse strings and didn't let him spend any money on anything without your approval?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2013 15:56

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why do you say he is not horrible?. Is the alternative i.e you think he really at heart is, is too awful for you to contemplate?.

You bought a £3 book for your DD and he had a go at you!.

Do you have any access to money freely or does he give you an allowance?. Why are you not allowed a new phone, who died and made him king?.

I am not unfortunately all that surprised to see that you have tried to explain that his behaviour demeans you without success. The fact is that he knows he is doing this but does not care an iota for you.

No haircut either until May for you?. Bet you he gets his hair cut more often than that. This is unreasonable and is actually abusive behaviour towards you.

My advice - plan your exit from this man before he completely runs you into the ground both emotionally and financially. I would suggest you have a chat with Womens Aid as they can help you further.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 15:56

Whenever I see the word 'allowed' in this context I want to reach for my service revolver. Hmm You are meant to be equals and this is emphatically unequal and demeaning. Stop kidding yourself that he isn't horrible. His behaviour is appalling. Have the haircut, get the phone and if he has a go, tell him to grow the fuck up.

cestlavielife · 31/10/2013 15:57

he is horrible.

(my ex used to have a go at me for buying stuff eg i once bought £5 dora the explorer trainers from woolworths = yes that long ago! but i still recall how it was very demeaning and horrible to be screamed at...they were a "waste of money" even tho at the time i was the main money earner!!)

you should be allowed to spend (within budget) how you see fit, including haircuts, phones, cd for the kids, etc.

Yama · 31/10/2013 15:59

You are an adult human being. This is no way to live.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 16:00

"I am allowed a hair cut just before the baby is born in MAY"

You aren't allowed to get your hair cut for 6 months?

On his say so?

Why does he get to decide when you get to have your hair cut?

That is really fucked up.

And no non-horrible people decide that their spouse has to wait half a year for a haircut.

Original poster
Rosduk · 31/10/2013 16:01

I don't feel he wants me to be poor. We have a joint account that I have a card to so I have the money, I could spend it but if I do we argue. He doesn't restrict my money iyswim but if I do spent it on something not needed ie haircuts, a drink at soft play if I forget to take one, toys, clothes, anything that's not food, petrol or cleaning stuff- he either gets stroppy or we argue.

I have talked to him, I know he's worried as he wants us to have a bigger house so we are saving, but the cycle always is I spend, we argue, I tell him how I feel, he apologises, then it starts again next time.

The more and more I write the more I realise I just need my own income. Perhaps I've answered my own question!

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 31/10/2013 16:01

He doesn't sound kind in any way to me.

nogravitarse · 31/10/2013 16:03

Sorry for your loss, OP. I understand through experience that you want to do everything you can in order to have a full-term pregnancy and healthy baby. And that in your case, that means not working outside the home.

However you are going to provide him with a child, as well as he you. He really cannot expect you to ask him for £3. £3?? the tight git - it's not even for you, for Christ's sake.

Explain to him that you cannot face the idea of not earning your own money and having to ask him for it, and you are therefore now looking for a job. Bear in mind that you cannot threaten and then not do it, because you're in a worse position then, the only place you have to go after that is ltb.

Sounds to me like he's now drunk on the power of controlling the finances. Controlling what next? As long as you keep being nice and asking the dynamic will not change. Tell him that it cannot and will not continue. Really mean it and initiate the changes.

ElizabethBathory · 31/10/2013 16:04

Does he get to buy 'non-essential' stuff for himself?

Original poster
Rosduk · 31/10/2013 16:06

I am not making excuses for him, we do love each other, we have a very caring relationship and in every other way we are happy, I just hate the financial situation.

OP posts:
nogravitarse · 31/10/2013 16:06

Takes me ages to post. Your second post came up before mine, OP. Yep you do. (Need your own income.) He is trying to control you. It often starts with money. Nip it in the bud now and let him know you are not a person who is willing to be controlled.

Jan45 · 31/10/2013 16:07

But he's not kind, his actions prove that. If you both decided you shouldn't work this time, and with good reason then that means he has to provide for you too, not just the essentials and himself. I could not stand not being able to have my hair cut and having to ask him if it's alright to spend £3 on a bloody child's book, it wasn't for you was it. You should have a separate budget for yourself to buy your toiletries, and yes, if your mob is broke, a new one!

It happens again and again because it's never resolved, you moan, he doesn't change and it continues....

ThePinkOcelot · 31/10/2013 16:12

Frankly I would be telling him to fuck off! He sounds like a total arsehole to me. Not letting you get your hair cut until May?! WTF! I would be booking an appointment and telling him to go swivel! Stand up for yourself OP!

janesnowdon1 · 31/10/2013 16:12

Make sure any child benefit or child tax credits gets sent to your account.You get to call the shots on it.

This is financial abuse - you need to sit down and make a new budget - explain you need a "slush fund" for extras. Does he spend on lunches and drinks at work etc..? but you don't bawl him out.Tell him how it demeans you and makes you feel like a child.he needs to really listen to you and adapt.

Good luck x

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 31/10/2013 16:12

Is he going without haircuts for half a year?

Is it a problem if he spends £3 on something for himself??

If the answer is yes, then you need to sit down and work out your budget so that you each have some disposable income.

If the answer is no, then you have to recognise that he is a bollocks and you two are not on the same team.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 31/10/2013 16:12

Just buy whatever the hell you like! Well, within reason obviously. Then when he questions it just say 'what on earth has it got to do with you?' Start as you mean to go on and do not pay any attention to controlling behaviour. My dh can be like this and he gets short shrift from me if he starts telling me about finances rather than asking me. A joint account is exactly that. Remind him that you're a grown up and can be perfectly trusted with money.

ThePinkOcelot · 31/10/2013 16:13

Ps. You say in your op that he is very kind. Is he? How?

Badvoc · 31/10/2013 16:14

He sounds horrible because he is horrible!
When someone shows you who they are, pay attention!

WipsGlitter · 31/10/2013 16:14

Hmmmm. My DP doesn't see the point in spending money on "stuff" so that's what my wages are for. He may be just can't see the point in treats. What's his family background / attitude to money?

purplewithred · 31/10/2013 16:17

Remember your wedding, where he said 'all that I have I share with you'? He's breaking his wedding vows.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 16:20

If you're saving up to move to a bigger house, fair enough but this is far too one-sided. Do you get to scrutinise his expenses? Do you see the bank statements? Do you know where his money goes and get to question the wisdom of his purchases?

The name for this kind of bullying behaviour is 'financial abuse' and - no matter how caring he may be otherwise - it's completely unacceptable

Itstartshere · 31/10/2013 16:20

Does he have huge anxieties about money? Did he grow up poor?
It doesn't make sense that he could be kind and be abusive in this way.
Even if you're buying a house, a few pounds here and there really won't make a difference and I say that as someone frugal.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 16:23

"He doesn't restrict my money but.... he either gets stroppy or we argue"

If you want a dog to stop a particular behaviour you make its life unpleasant until it learns not to do it any more. That's what he's doing here... 'training' you to stop spending by making your life really unpleasant when you step out of line. It's deliberate and horrible.

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