Financially Reliant on DH

[Rosduk]

I love my husband, he's very kind and a good dad but he has an enormous hold on me in regards to money.

Our daughter is 2.5 and we lost our newborn son last nov and I am now 12 weeks pregnant again. I was working for a few months before I got pregnant this time but after the complications in my last pregnancy we decided I wouldn't work through this one.

I have found now that we are comfortable with money, we can afford occasional small treats and can pay all our bills and have a little money left over to save each month but DH just will not let me spend anything other than household /food stuff. I just bought a Halloween DVD of her favourite book for DD which cost £3 and he really had a go at me. I am allowed a hair cut just before the baby is born in MAY and am not allowed to upgrade my old broken phone because it was my fault it doesn't work.

He sounds horrible, he really isn't but I have told him this demeans me but it just happens again and again. I know if I just go abd get my hair cut he would have a go then just get over it but I am so sick of this pattern.

Any advice? I am looking/applying for some virtual admin jobs from home as I wouldn't earn enough for child care before she's 3 but not much luck so far...I just need my own money again!

"a few pounds here and there really won't make a difference"

Actually, it will.

A few pounds here and there can add up to thousands of pounds a year.

But even when you are economising you need to have some money for discretionary spending.

That should be agreed between them and then what it is spent on should not be queried.

It's not about you having to now get a job, that's not advisable or helpful to your pregnancy and past difficulties, it's about him not giving you enough respect to trust you to spend £3 or have your hair cut when you want to - he should not be deciding when you go to the hairdressers, that's so insulting. I think he believes he's more important than you and will just constantly over-rule you as he holds the purse strings. Instead of thinking I need to get a job, think, I need to tell him where to go - and let him.

maybe he is concerned about money - you arent working nor are you earning. yep you have money in the bank, can pay bills etc. but what happens in the event of an emergency? what would you do for money? maybe he feels it is more important to save than it is to fritter it on small things?

you dont say what he was like when you were earning so a balanced view cannot be taken.

a bigger house will be no fun at all if you cant ever go and buy a new cushion for it or get your hair cut so you look and feel nice for your visitors without a major argument...

it is not a very caring or trusting relationship.

I am also financially reliant on DP. I have no income at all atm because of our circumstances (long and dull depressing story) and he is working. The difference is - I haven't had my hair cut since December last year because we can't afford it, but neither has he. We've cut everything down as far as it'll go to stay within budget - but yesterday, when I had an absolutely godawful day and couldn't face cooking, I popped into Asda and got pizza for dinner rather than sticking to the dirt cheap meal planned stuff I already had in the house. Did DP yell at me? No, he said 'oooh, pizza!', and gave me a hug because my day was so bad.

When you are working to a joint budget, especially if it is one you are contributing to unequally, you need to have autonomy to spend reasonably without being pulled up over everything. If you can't sit down and discuss that with your DH, you have a serious problem.

I suggest you ask this to be moved to relationships as this is a much bigger issue OP.

Oops. Thought this was AIBU

He is from a very wealthy family, however, he has never relied on them for money, nor has he wanted to despite having a good relationship with them.

We live in a 2 up 2 down and have wanted to move house for years and have been saving for that. We spent some savings for him to do teacher training (this is when I also worked) then our son died before he qualified and as he struggled emotionally he left the pgce and went back to office work which has left us behind in our house fund. I think that is what plagues him.

The relevance of the wealthy background I think is that he wants to keep up with the pack. All of his family have big houses including his younger sister who IS financially dependant in the parents.

He is very caring emotionally, has been very supportive through years of my panic attacks, through pregnancies, emotionally after our son died and he was never like this financially before his teacher training (when we did have a lot more money) he did everything to help us both despite struggling himself.

I think that is a good point Naoko, boundaries have been set but not by me.

This needs some sitting down and proper budgeting and agreement. I can talk to my husband, I am not scared of doing that at all- i think it will take compromises from both sides. Thanks all

Then you have to tell him that his behaviour over money is unacceptable and is in danger of wiping out all the support he gave you through the panic attacks and so forth and is threatening the relationship in total. Sit down with the family finances, go through them together, set budgets for saving and personal spending and agree that he must respect your judgement how and on what you spend .. and you will do the same.

If he is still grieving, struggling emotionally, if he feels inferior to his wealthy family, not measuring up (?) and he's falling back on money, especially keeping hold of it for security, that's understandable, but it is not an excuse to treat you the way he is doing.

If he is worried about money then fair enough, telling you that you can't get a haircut until May next year has nothing to do with that, nor does bawling you out for spending £3 on a Halloween book for your daughter and by your I mean yours and his.

Sorry you seem to be backtracking altogether now, you say you are sick of it but yet don't seem prepared or want to do anything about it, it's not about looking for a job, it's about him being decent and fair, it doesn't sound like he is. Remember, any benefits, like child benefit or tax credits are yours too, it's not all for him to decide what happens to it!

You need to sit down together and work out a budget. then agree a set amount you can each spend on things you want (this may be more for you because you are more likely to spend on your daughter). £50 a month might be reasonable.

Review this every three months.

Then just take out the £50 cash at the beginning of each month and keep it for yourself. Then there is no argument because it has been agreed in advance.

We have an agreement in our house that anything over £20 should be agreed with each other first. this doesn't include things we need like certain clothes - but stuff which is discretionary like books, nice shoes, clothes which I just like but don't need etc.

it worked for us while I wasn't earning for several years. I still found it hard, and often chose not to buy for myself. Now i am earning i spend money on me much more freely.

if he is grieving/struggling and taking it out on you in this bizarre way then some kinf of counsellign might help - did you both get bereavemetn counselling? it's not too late - in fact rather essenstial as you now pregnant again adn you need to be strong, a new baby will trigger all emotons again.
have you both had emotional support for this?

but - againn - you need to set your boundaries and reiterate to him that this type of financial control is horrible behaviour and not acceptable.

"a drink at soft play"

Why not discuss what he thinks HE needs for his expenses outside the home, ask him to quantify?

Offer to keep a record of your expenses IF he will do the same re what you agree are "his" expenses.

Work out what is then left over after what you are agree as the "his" "her" expenses (ie.g. for treats). Can you then agree to split X ways - yourselves plus child(ren) - which neither of you need to justify as long as you don't overspend?

Needs to be a level playing field also! So I'd say all of the household stuff should NOT be you .. let him work out electricity etc bills expenditure. Or if he won't do that, task him with looking at price comparison sites to see if switching providers can save money as his "role" in helping out?

If you have a sense of working as a team, might help things? You need to work out some practical steps, commiserations won't change things.

First of all, I am really sorry to hear of the loss of your son and I hope all goes well with your new baby.

Have you ever sat down with your DH and explained how you feel about the money?

How is a hair cur or a drink at soft play not needed? These are essentisls. Hes a right twat. You'd be better off on benefits ..at least you could spend the money how you want.
One of the great joys of being single is financial freedom. Im not great eith money but at least my decisions are my own and if I decide to spend on something frivolous , therevis noone to have a go at ne...it is my responsibility. He is robbing you of that , the arsehole.

I'm sorry about the loss of your son OP. How heartbreaking.

And I'm glad to hear he's been supportive and emotionally caring.

However.

Even given that things are tight financially and that you're savng for a bigger house, this is not a normal way to treat a spouse. Even the tightest of budgets allow for some amount of discretionary spending. A £3 DVD? A drink at soft play? It is not reasonable to argue about these things. Why is he treating you like a child who cannot be trusted to make minor financial decisions without his say so?

You need to have a full and frank discussion about this. I suppose it's possible he doesn't realise what an arse he's being.

But things need to change and quickly. If things don't change after you've spoken to him then I'd be thinking very seriously about whether I wanted to stay married to this man.

I left my husband earlier in the year and have just started divorce proceedings on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. He was financially abusive and I can tell you that, long term, it is soul destroying. However, even at it's very worst, I don't think my ex ever had a go about something like buying a drink for a child on an outing. Big Red Flag OP. Seriously.

How on earth can you say he is a kind man? He is controlling and obsessive. You must feel awful having to worry about buying a drink for your child. You must feel awful about having to let your hair go for six months without a visit to the hairdresser. You must be worrying over every penny and fear his disapproval. That is no way to live.

I suppose in a way I'm in a similar position whilst I have a part time job OH is a farmer and will soon be moving in. I will have to quit part time job and will become dependant on him whilst I go through training for another role. However he would never dream of doing what your OH does, he is extremely controlling by the sounds of things. Despite being financially reliant on my OH, i'm the one that has to say no to spending lol !

He's basically just tight fisted.

This sounds like a grief reaction to me, particularly if he didn't get any counselling or other external support at the time. You lost your son, that put paid to his teacher training plans (perhaps not for ever, I hope, but I understand if this isn't on the agenda for now), so you/he lost two aims/dreams for the future and he wants to have something he can control, his progress towards the new house - his family's wealth and sibling competition will be feeding into this and fuelling it, and I would be very surprised if fear over the new pregnancy and what might happen isn't playing a role (I think the timing of the haircut he intends to 'allow' you is some kind of key there). None of that means it's OK for him to treat you like this - he needs stopping in his tracks on this one. I would suggest you sit him down and tell you very seriously that you cannot and indeed will not live like this and that he needs to get some help to change and to process his grief. Tell him his behaviour is destructive to his family and in the final analysis self-destructive.

So sorry you have been having such a tough time.

...and tell him very seriously..., I mean. Sorry. Will preview next time.