Camming/using Skype to watch porn

[babyotter]

Hello all,

Just got home from work and found Skype open on my DP's ipad (a message popped up onto the screen - I wasn't snooping). Thought it was a bit odd as I've never seen him use it. He was out (picking up our 15mo DS from nursery) so I had a look to see who was messaging. It was a girl's name, and one I didn't recognise, so I looked further...

You can probably guess that I found a load of contacts to random girls with pretty revealing member photos. Being a bit naive I thought maybe it was some sort of spam, but having looked through the chat history it is much more than that...

It would seem that every Thursday since I've been back at work (about 3 months and he does the childcare on that day), at about the time that our little boy is having a nap (around 1pm), he is on Skype having a bit of sex talk and 'camming'. He's changed his name, but the chat reveals it is him (location, age, job - he's a GP, that he is in a relationship but hasn't had sex in a while). I can't see what he's paid for, but is pretty obvious that he's been watching stuff from the chat.

As it is, we've not had sex for about 5 months. I am nearly seven months pregnant, and just haven't been feeling it (which I don't think it hugely unusual or unreasonable). We both go to bed very tired and he's always asleep within minutes, so it's not as if he has been rebuffed recently. I'd previously talked to him about my lack of sex drive and checked that he wasn't feeling neglected... he denied he was.

Anyway, I just don't know what to think. I know he has looked at porn in the past (I'd found on his laptop years ago and it pre-dated our relationship), and if it had just been a case of porn then I would have felt disappointed, but I could have come to terms with it. This just feels so much more like cheating. He's had one-to-one interactive contact with another woman. He knows my feelings about these things as my Dad did a similar thing to my Mum over 15 years ago (was a bit of a pioneer in internet cheating), and I didn't speak to him for years (there was more to it than that, but still, he should know better).

Sorry this is so long. Just have so many thoughts buzzing round my head. Apart from this he really is the most caring/considerate/loving partner and a wonderful father. He's home from work now and wants to know why I am quiet and withdrawn.

Any ideas how I should deal with this? Feel like I have lost so much trust and respect for him

Sorry op, this is beyond crap, would be a deal breaker for me.

I don't have any wise words but there will be plenty of help and support for you on here.

Im sorry babyotter full disclosure never seems to happen 1st time round.

Does he know you have seen the statements?

Yep, he knows. Apparently only watches, apparently new person every time.

He says he wants to stop. He says he will get help to stop. I'm going to have to give him a chance, but after having seen my Dad do this to my Mum (and then move on to serial adultery, whilst she pretended she didn't know), there's no way I'd put up with anything else/any lapses. If we hadn't had children my stance could have been different.

Is going to be so hard. Am numb and shocked at the moment. Thank you for taking time to give me words of support. I haven't spoken to anyone about it in real life, not sure I will, so this has been such an outlet.

So sorry. Problem when you've seen someone lie with alacrity is that it's hard to ever trust them again. You have to choose to trust them again because it is against reason.

Do you think you know it all yet?

Can you ask him to leave for a period of time so you can get some head space? Or is it feasible for you to go away for a weekend with friends you trust to let off some steam?

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really am.

What is he expecting? Or he is moping around feeling sorry for himself?

Soul destroying stuff otter.
It is such a difficult thing to know you didn't deserve the truth.....the thing that obliterates trust.
We trust people unless they do something to harm us, and sometimes just one single action can permanently break trust.
Your DH has really broken your trust in him by lying and engaging in a secret life.

Please don't think you have to stay for the children. They can be fine if you are co-parenting.
The question is, will you be fine being married to someone, being intimate and open with someone who has breached your trust so badly?

Very sorry OP.

Why does he feel he needs "help" to stop?

For most people, the fact that they have done something to hurt a partner who they love and cherish is enough of a disincentive to ever repeat it.

For most people, the fact that they have done something to hurt a partner who they love and cherish is enough of a disincentive to ever repeat it.

This is not true at all, unfortunately; people are much more complex than that.

I think he needs help. This behaviour is so incongruous with his normal day to day persona. He is so well-respected and liked by everyone; I'd him up on a pedestal for being such a wonderful partner and Dad. I had been so happy with our relationship and family, probably far too smug.

He's always had a side of him that was able to cut off emotionally, but I found it a strength which balanced my somewhat over-emotional and introspective self. Now I see he has used it to compartmentalise what he has been doing and carry on as normal for years.

I hope we can arrange to go to a counsellor, for my sake as much as his. I want to see him taking the initiative in arranging it, which I don't think is asking for too much. I've also set up parental controls on all the computers and mobile devices.

I just want things to go back to how they were.

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to send you a big hug. I found out my xdp watched porn when I was pregnant and that hurt me enough - and I didn't find out until we were long separated. You must be hurting like hell and I'm sorry. X

I'm so sorry to read the hurt in your words. This sounds so painful. I'd really want to see him making an effort to save his marriage, but I'm worried he won't, that he'll drag his feet, make excuses and complain. I believe it can be done if he wants it though.

Babyotter, please don't parent him. Its not up to you to install and check up on parental controls, they are for parents not partners.

You will do yourself no favours by trying to "manage" this, it won't give you any confidence in him in the long run.

Op is he aware yet you have put these parental controls on the devices you are aware of? In some cases this can just push the habit under stones....having been through a similar situation in the past I found it was the lying which I couldn't deal with and we went through some counselling. It sounds as if you are really quite shocked at what he has been capable of and lots of talking required. Good luck x

I'm with the others on the parental controls. I have been though something (vaguely) similar, and I absolutely refused to take responsibility for any of it. My partner found and attended counselling, joined an internet support group for people battling porn addiction and completely faced up to his actions. I refused the online controls on the understanding that he now knows explicitly this is a deal breaker for me. No-one can hide their actions forever, and if it ever happens again we are finished. He knows this and if it is not enough of an incentive then so be it.
I know how much you are hurting. That when you look at him you can't help but wonder what else he is hiding. And that horrible numb feeling that is there whenever you relax your guard. It does get better, but he has to absolutely clear that this is it, and do all the work required to win back your trust and affection.
Sending you a massive hug and bucketloads of empathy x

"Apparently only watches, apparently new person every time. "

You know you can't believe a single word he says now.

He lied to your face over and over when you confronted him, until you had solid proof.

So now you know the kind of man he really is - a dishonest one who will lie through his teeth you if it serves his purposes.

You would do well not to believe anything he says about this and presume there is plenty more you don't know about.

It seems that you don't actually know him all that well.

"I just want things to go back to how they were."

How they were is that he's had a secret, separate sex life that (at the very least) comprised regular live performances by women other than you.

You can't really want to go back to that?

This isn't a man who lost his way.

This is who this guy is.

He likes buying services from women and he will always try to hide it from you.

You are part of his "good guy" image - the nice wife who has no idea who he really is.

I agree that this is who he is and I think no amount of counselling will change that. I don't think he thinks he's doing anything wrong.

The problem is of course that you can access this stuff from anywhere at any time and it's not your job to be vigilant. Who could have a sexual relationship with someone who needs parental controls?

He seems very, very naïve in giving his details like that. Is he otherwise gullible?

He's always had a side of him that was able to cut off emotionally

He's a doctor and IME this isn't uncommon. It's kind of driven into them during the training. Hence lots of doctors have this kind of split persona where they have some dysfunctional secret life, whether it is drinking, drug-taking or some other kind of addiction. It's a stressful job as well. And no, it doesn't make them crap at their jobs or unsuitable to be around small children or anything like that, just human.

I'm not making excuses for him, my sympathies are almost entirely with you, but I can still find a little for him based on what I said above.

A lot of people on here would have you LTB, irrespective of your young child and pregnancy and the fact that you have a good relationship in many ways and come across as loving him. In your shoes I would want to try to work things out and get him help. There used to be some organisation that helped doctors struggling with their own addictions, not sure if it exists any more.

He sounds mortified. Whether this is just at being found out or because he is genuinely contrite, no one on here knows.

I also agree with everyone on here that it's not your responsibility to police him. You have to deal with the root cause of the problem, not just keep him away from temptation.

Where are the male apologists now? Fatherwank and Andypandy?

The brilliant thing is op, you get over these blokes/husbands/fathers of your kids. Might take some time, but you do. You move on, you find a new partner or just relish and enjoy the freedom of being a single parent

These sad wankfest knobs however lose a lot: their friends and family get to know them as persistent porn users who wank frantically like sad schoolboys and webcam for sex, and either see their kids part-time or not at all (their choice)

And they have to pay to support their children (unless they do a runner,in which case their children are better off) while the woman they betrayed moves on to possibly find a new kinder love, or just the freedom of not having to stumble across payments for morally bankrupt sex - either real or virtual.

Fuck him right off to the back of yonder.

maypole why does she need to get her General Practitioner Husband help?

Is it her resonspibility to find the poor man help?

He needs help for keyboard tourettes maybe.

Unlikely I work in the NHS and believe me doctors are crap at seeking help. I've no idea why... maybe some of it is anxiety about professional security. Lots of dysfunctional behaviours are seen as fitness to practice issues - you aren't supposed to do anything that might bring the profession into disrepute in the eyes of the public. This is a very loose idea open to interpretation. At it's harshest, it could extend to getting pissed and being insulting to someone at a party, having an affair or being a heavy porn user.

But doctors are human like anyone else, make cock ups and do unhealthy things. More than most IMO/E. My own theory is that some of this is because the training instils some suppression of emotions and there is also still a culture of bullying and having to toughen up. This suits some personalities better than others. I think it's one of the reasons why rates of alcoholism, suicide, marital infidelity etc are among the highest in any profession. But there's no science behind this, it's just my own tinpot theory based on what I have seen.

Certainly there is a weird dichotomy in that doctors are supposed to have an obligation to seek help for health and psychological problems but at the same time there is a culture of professional fear around doing so and a general disinclination towards demonstrating personal weakness.

He can't exactly consult himself, can he?

And I'm not saying it is her responsibility, no. I just think that it's not all that practical to just LTB when you have a small child and are seven months pregnant. I think this guy sounds like he needs help - who would deny that he has a problem? Compromising his marriage and family life like this - and so does the OP. They both need support if they can work through this together and though I am happily separated it's horrible breakiing up a family unit and if it can be avoided - not staying together for the sake of the kids, but trying to heal a marriage - it is the least worst option.

maypole and your point is? Doctors have stresses? Is that your point?

The OP writes this: It would seem that every Thursday since I've been back at work (about 3 months and he does the childcare on that day), at about the time that our little boy is having a nap (around 1pm), he is on Skype having a bit of sex talk and 'camming'. He's changed his name, but the chat reveals it is him (location, age, job - he's a GP, that he is in a relationship but hasn't had sex in a while). I can't see what he's paid for, but is pretty obvious that he's been watching stuff from the chat

The bloke is a fuckwit. No wonder he's stressed - if he was found out and appeared in the papers, no woman would want him as their GP. I don't buy the 'he needs help' bollocks.

Am just sorry for you that you do.

Nope. My point is that it's far, far too simplistic to just call someone a 'sad wankfest knob' and tell someone who is pregnant and has a small child, and who loves someone flawed (as we all are) who has fucked up to 'fuck him right off to the back of yonder'. Without even trying to work out what is going on with him, or to see if the relationship is worth saving.

You sound as if you are happily separated, as am I. But I would never be a cheerleader for separation as you seem to be... it's a heartbreaking thing and however well things can function afterwards (and they work pretty well for me, thanks very much) the family unit is gone forever. I hugely regret that and wish my marriage could have been restored to happiness rather than be, as I am, happily separated. I would rather still be happily married, with my kids with me the whole time and my husband not missing them either.

A family unit seems a hell of a lot to throw away as brutally, yet flippantly, as you advocate, unless there is a no-brainer like violence or child abuse. Beyond this, I suspect dealbreakers are different for different people.

No one is a perfect partner and it isn't up to anyone on here to project their own values of what insults to a relationship are surmountable onto someone else. Especially not a woman about to have a baby.

I've seen friends overcome difficulties in their marriages that seemed as painful as this and emerge happier and stronger. However OK things are, and however much I have got over my separation I would still rather be in their shoes than mine.

Just as a short footnote, re your tinpot theory: I would suggest that medicine attracts a lot of dysfunctional psychopaths.

Much like MPs.

God complexes.

They think they can do and get away with, anything. No doubt if they are so inclined, they can. This man is a heavy porn user. A GP should not be a heavy porn user. No decent man should be a heavy porn user let alone a man who is able to ask a woman to lift her shirt to examine her breasts for signs of cancer.

It makes me rather see red that you are able to make such excuses for professions that need a damn sight more rigorous selection processes than currently exist.

But the world is still very ill-educated when it comes to identifying Snakes in Suits.

Why on earth would you not want him as your GP, anyway? WTAF