What are your thoughts on this situation? I am so confused. Looooooooong!!

[NKe46007aX11c7a5685f2]

I have no idea what is going on, so I am asking you for your thoughts. Sometimes it is easier when you are on the outside of a situation, right?

Not sure where to start, and don't want this to be too long, so bear with me?

DS and I always had a good relationship, despite my mother undermining my parenting constantly.
I brought him up as a single parent. When he was in his teens, I met someone, and straightaway, my mother vowed to do all she could to split my partner and me up, she criticised everything my partner did, and everything he didn't do.
Despite this, my partner and I continued seeing each other.

After a few weeks, my mother got together with my sister and phoned DS's school without telling me, and made some serious completely unfounded allegations about my partner, which almost had DS removed from my care.

From their perspective, they said they honestly thought they were protecting DS and could see through a crystal ball that DP was no good for me. Mother told me that she was in full support of my sister reporting their concerns as if they were fact when indeed they weren't because she truly believed DS would be sent to live with her, something she has always appeared to want but has never admitted, so maybe not, just one of my many confusions as to whether she is actually telling the truth or not.
Anyhow, luckily the school made an evaluation and against all protocol made the decision not to contact CP, and sent DS home after school as usual.

Since then, things were very strained between myself, mother and sister.

From that point onwards, DS discovered that he could play me and my mother off against each other. If I set a punishment, DS would wait until he was alone in the house, ring my mother and mother would drive over while I was out, pick DS up and take him back to her house for a few days.
I repeatedly asked mother not to do this, until I was blue in the face, but she said she couldn't bear to see DS upset, and was giving me a break.
I told her I didn't need a bloody break, I needed her to stay out of it, but she said she couldn't sit by and do nothing when DS rang her needing her help FFS.

I had to work and couldn't physically force DS to accompany me everywhere when I wasn't at work, so this pattern continued, despite my protests.

I was getting more and more frustrated and annoyed with the complete lack of support from my mother, who incidentally thought she was being a great GM by supporting her GS, and it did get to the point where although I tried not to, I was walking on eggshells to some extent around DS because of course the slightest upset, and off he'd go again.

Things came to a head when DS was 16, (old enough to leave home).
I had had enough of this complete lack of respect from DS AND my mother for me, and I honestly believed DS would not enjoy living with mother full time, I had lived with her myself.
So I made it clear to DS, since mother just wasn't taking any notice of anything I asked wrt this situation, that the next time he asked mother to pick him up so he could disappear for a few days, he could stay at hers, and it was not on for him to keep ping ponging back and forth as and when it suited him to avoid doing anything he didn't like.
I told him he could visit as much as he liked, but I was not prepared to be manipulated like this any longer and if he disappeared without asking again, I would take it that he had made the choice to live with my mother full time.
He went.

Thank you for your kind words pictish.

I have always found that other people who know mother and sister do not see what I see. Extended relatives, work mates, friends all appear to like my mother and my sister and sympathise with them over how hopeless and rubbish I am, and how their lives must be so hard having to constantly help me out, direct me where I have gone wrong, what an embarrassment I am to them because of my failed relationships and my reliance on benefits to top up my rubbish jobs.
Of course, I could have done so much better for myself, I just didn't listen when they told me what to do and then they were left with the fallout, having to pick up the pieces when I needed help yet I am apparently so ungrateful.

The truth is I have hardly asked them for help because that gave them an opportunity to tell me how things were all my fault, and the help they offered came with thinly disguised expectations of permanent gratitude.
If I'm not making much sense, its because I'm on my phone at the park with youngest DC. I made it out of the door. ?proud?

But this is standard practice with abusers, NK. Think of all the threads on here where women are victims of DV, emotional and physical, but all the friends and relatives think how wonderful and charming the DH is, and what on earth is the wife complaining about, he couldn't possibly be as bad as that, she must be very difficult to please/ whiney/ cracked.

It's what abusers do, NK, it validates their position in their heads. What's sad is that other people are so ready to believe them.

NK, a poster on another thread just said:
"I actually said to the copper who came upstairs to speak to me that he thinks he is the victim and will come accross oh so reasonable. The copper said "they all do"."

Coming across as nice and charming to other people is what ALL abusers do because it gives them control.

Anyone who was close to them and saw the interactions they had with you would quickly see them for the vile creatures they are.

You haven't been a bad parent at all - you have tried to raise your son with boundaries which is the GOOD way to parent. Your mother constantly undermining you and destroying those boundaries is probably why your son has had so many issues, because he has lacked consistency and been allowed to be in control.

You now need to protect yourself and your DC by stepping away from them, cutting off contact with your family who do nothing but knock you down, and focusing on yourself for a while. Doing this will give you much needed perspective and in time you will see how much you have been the victim here.

Thank you for all of your input. I know I shouldn't let it annoy me, but I just don't know if I am over reacting and blaming my mother and my sister for being instrumental in this situation with DS cutting me off or not?

I mean, do you think, in the cold light of day that they have poisoned him against me? Or is it a possibility that he just decided himself, remembered something that I have forgotten, and this made him want to cut me out?

Is it possible that something I have given no thought to, is the reason behind him not wanting to know me?

Before I cut them all off, whenever I was due to go over my mother's, my mother would inform DS, give him a warning, and it was arranged that he could go to my sisters instead, and sit there until I had gone home.
My mother was very open about this. This was her solution, her resolution to keep DS and I apart, because DS does not want to see me or speak to me.

I don't know, it feels like although I have done nothing wrong that I know of, because no one will tell me, I am the one being punished and DS is being put first, his wants and desires are being put at the forefront of everything.

But OTOH, what else could my mother and sister have done? The only other thing I think my mother could have done, which I have not suggested, because it's not my call IYSWIM, would be to tell DS that it is unacceptable to assault your own mother, torture her by withholding information as to why you have so drastically cut her off, and therefore, unless you sort this problem out, I cannot have you living under my roof.

That feels a little too drastic though. I mean, what else could they have done?

It is good now not to be skulking around feeling like an intruder, but it just feels like DS has treated me horribly and is still being cushioned and his feelings are paramount to mine.

DS still has the full support of the family, whereas I had carefully prearranged meetings that wouldn't inflict on DS. FFS I felt, and still do feel like a fucking mistress to a married man, a dirty little secret, something to be hidden away, someone DS needs to be protected from, when in fact it was DS who assaulted me and cut me off!!!!

Or maybe I have got the wrong end of the stick, and my mother and sister were just trying to ensure they could retain a relationship with me, whilst this feud between DS and I goes on.

This is why I am confused, because there are so many possibilities, and none of them can be proven unless someone, anyone starts talking, and of course, everyone is denying they know anything of why DS has decided to cut me off.

And of course, I am not supposed to complain, because there is nothing anyone can do, so what is the point of complaining? Argghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

They all sound awful. Your son sounds as bad as your mother. . Everyone has made excuse after excuse for your son but he is an adult and is responsible for his own behaviour. I would cut them off and I NEVER say that usually.
Is it possible to move away, a long way away and start again?
You need to concerntrate on your other DC and yourself.

Between them all, they're probably loving your confusion and the fact that you don't know wtf is going on.

Your son has, I'm sorry to say, developed into an utterly selfish little shit who thinks he can get away with whatever he likes because your mother has allowed him to do just that. Whether you have actually done anything or not is pretty irrelevant - and even if you knew what it was supposed to be, you'd probably be amazed that it could have set this whole scenario off.

Your mother's enabling of the situation - well at best it's because she still wants a relationship with you but I think there are possibly elements of continuing the abuse, now with the added spice of being able to torture you with the fact that your own son refuses to share airspace with you.

I see that you are trying to downplay any wrongdoing by your mother and sister in this picture though - which then throws the responsibility back upon you. Avoid doing this - although this is the place they've chosen for you (always at fault) there is no reason for you to stay where they've placed you.