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Original poster

What's the chances of attacks could start again?

46 replies

CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 13:31

Some of you know me from old. So wont go into to much depth but need advice on this!

(HH you will be pleased to hear I have my house up for sale! YAY!)

Do I take CCTV down now as I think people will be put off seeing CCTV.

So my question is

If I take CCTV down what is the chances of ex attacking my home again?

CCTV been up over 2 years now, although no attacks he has driven past and parked outside but only 2 occasions I know about (as seen him) in last 12 months (so has become more infrequent I think).

Could his behaviour been dampened/other distractions now?
Has he learnt to stop this behaviour?
Or does a leopard never change their spots?

Should I take CCTV down?

OP posts:
PopiusTartius · 29/10/2013 13:46

I would be inclined to take it down, but if you have any trouble from him, get it back up quicksmart.

Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 14:44

Pop ex would possible break my front door again kicking it in cost me over 1K for the new one last year. I can't afford that cost and cost of CCTV going down and then up again.

Is their any research or stuff anywhere that gives ideas on if reoccurrence of DV behaviours is high...or less common after ie 2 yrs forced to change behaviour as risk of prison/criminal record.

Or would behaviours just restart when the trigger to stop the violent behaviour is taken away (CCTV).

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 29/10/2013 20:13

Leave the CCTV up and operational would be my advice. This is a trigger time, I'd have thought. If he is likely to lose the plot then selling the house could be a red flag. As a viewer/buyer, my first question on seeing the surveillance tech would be a hopeful, "oh, is that staying?" Though I suppose others might take it that your neighbourhood is vile. But then you could explain why it's there and reassure viewers that it's for your personal safety, not a comment or reflection on the locale.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/10/2013 20:19

OP honestly I think it boils down to the fact that your personal security and safety is more important than potential buyers thinking Hmm about the CCTV.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 29/10/2013 20:19

I saw your other thread. Glad it doesn't look like it would put most folk off buying, with some even saying they'd view it positively. Good luck with moving. :)

wordyBird · 29/10/2013 20:37

Leave it where it is.
Buyers will be looking at the property and location as a whole. Some won't notice, some will see it as a plus, some might ask why it's there.

If it's there for your safety, leave it there.

Regarding your ex, or any person of ill intent who might be looking at your property - the CCTV is more a deterrent than a preventative.

I don't think leopards change their spots much, but they can get bored, or find new targets, or other things to do. I don't mean that flippantly, just trying to put into context the lessening of harassing behaviour. It could be for any number of reasons. I wouldn't speculate too much, just do what is practical for your own safety and comfort.

Vivacia · 29/10/2013 20:52

What's the area like? Is it one that potential buyers could have worries about safety and security?

Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 22:07

tipsy just being near xmas is trigger as he has hols and would be in same country. Getting dutch couarge from drink etc but would want to follow so no 'for sale' sign. I would leave CCTV for new owners safety too incase he thinks I am still their! But he used to stake out and watch routines of coming and goings to ensure he attacked when I was their alone...superb gas lighting I guess!
Viv its a really lovely leafy suburb that I could visualise staying here for ever, until ex ruined it all! No crime in area I found website from MN to check which actually makes me feel mad as leaving a very safe area. I am only house with CCTV too so looks odd.

wordyB I was hoping this was the case of boredem or moved on to next victim as ex does not get a crum of fear feed from me as cant come near. But yes leopards dont lose them and it is a 50-50 risk and cant allow that to happen as don't think I would cope with it all this time round (call it age or had enough not sure maybe both). But I need to move and leave this bad stuff behind.

Getting positive opinions from DIY thread OLKN which was a suprise as seen as extra house alarm type thing!

With it being over 2 years since CCTV used as a preventative tool to stop the attacks I was wondering if their was a magic number of years of no attacking equals no more ever (although forced behaviour to stop not through choice). Although this is from his personality not like an illness that doesn't return after x years in clear...it is his disordered personality that is ingrained and untreatable etc Mind you if their was I could take CCTV down and stay where I am in peace.

All I know is I still don't trust it and that is why I have to go!

OP posts:
invicta · 29/10/2013 22:11

Keep the CCTV up. Your personal safety is important. Has anyone actually said it discourages them? I think if the estate agent didn't mention it, then don't worry, and most people looking at areas will have a rough idea how rough a neighbourhood is anyway.

Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 22:39

its very disgreate invicta its only at night with red LED lights you notice it. I even forget it is their until I see monitor when upstairs.

Yes as HTD mentioned too personal safety first...just want to be gone from here so much would hate if CCTV was the reason of it not selling.

If their was a cut off...if X doesnt do U for z years then they dont do it anymore. Wishful thinking and cant risk it again! I am on home stretch now and can see the end coming to this nightmare life I had lived in fear of ex for years. Just need patience now.

OP posts:
HissyFucker · 29/10/2013 22:40

Well done! Ask the Est agent, what do they think?

Also, you might need to get some legal advice about what you need to disclose when you sell.

Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 22:44

HerHiss you kept on and on and it sunk in after 2 years! Then another year planning and preping myself psychologically as it was a psychological prison Thanks
I have not mentioned it to EA he didnt notice it either. I will just say living on own for peace of mind.

OP posts:
HissyFucker · 29/10/2013 22:58

No probs!

These things do take time, I know how much courage this takes! You didn't believe you could do it, but you can.

Added security as you're on your own is a good one.

Good luck! Hope it sells soon! Have you seen somewhere you want to move to?

Would you qualify for Help to Buy?

HissyFucker · 29/10/2013 22:59

This has cheered me up no end! Bloody marvellous! Proud of ya!

betterthanever · 29/10/2013 23:06

Just on a seperate note OP (I am in similar position) have you informed the estate agent about why you are moving? they have expereince of your situation and they can put a note on the file in case they get any nusance calls or strange calls about your property.
I think more and more people get CCTV and in nicer places they somtimes need it more... just think about Buckingham Palace Grin
Good luck OP it is sad you have to leave but it will be a great fresh start.

starlight1234 · 29/10/2013 23:08

They do say longer you are separated less risk of attacks....but I would also say if he knows you are selling anxiety time and may be an increased risk...

I think you know they way your EX works better than everyone else what is likely to trigger him

Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 23:08

A lot of you guys to [thank] incl BlueP, OLKN and Garlic

It does take time...back in the stubborn days of he is not forcing me to leave...couldnt see bigger picture back then! It's not a competiition of he isnt controlling me...which more I fought back the more then he was psychologically! Weird now looking back. Had to go through the cycle I guess I got stuck on one part for a wee while!

We dont get assistance to buy here. But no new houses around tbh as very little room! But houses seem to be starting to sell which is good! Please all keep pos vibes it goes no problem with CCTV fast.

I would even rent for a while just to be gone...my wish but tight would be by xmas! But I have been 'stuck' here so long few more months I can wait.

OP posts:
Original poster
CCTVmum · 29/10/2013 23:20

ahh thanks HH means a lot as you never gave up drumming it in! It takes a lot of patience to get through the several inches if concreate thinking, but you did and others Thanks its a very emotional time tbh but yes feel proud I am actually doing it!

betterthan oh never though of that. I have no sign up so hoping ex wont even think! His other ex has moved closer to him in last few months so hopefully he will be distracted with more babysitting his other dc etc however house is on popular website and name of street but not number. Mind you each house is different and mine is totally different to others. So if ex did look yes he would know.

I think the only thing that would annoy ex is he would park up outside and see different family. I have to tell EA I am moving to different area incase ex asks him?

I am seriously thinking of changing our surnames when we move. My surname is rare and so easily found! It would be nice to have new name with new life that people can pronounce and spell!

OP posts:
TreaterAnita · 29/10/2013 23:48

I was going to say leave it up and mention to EA the reason why it's there but that they can obv take it down as he won't be a threat once you've gone. However I'm a bit concerned that you say he won't know you've gone and the new owners might need it for their own security. I don't think that you can really sell your house to someone and not give them that information, but that's obviously going to put any buyer right off. I'm not sure whether you have to disclose (you would if it was a neighbour dispute) but is it not also a question of conscience whether you could live with the thought that the innocent new homeowners might get their door kicked in? Imagine if they had little kids. That obviously doesn't help you though, and your understandable desire to get away.

I don't know your history, but is there any way that he can be notified, via solicitors, that you are no longer at that address at the point of moving so that you can offer assurance to buyers that it won't be an issue as the problem is with you and not the property?

FWIW, I don't think you can assume there's any natural cut-off point for someone like that, especially with the combination (from what you've posted here) of occasional access and alcohol.

I really feel for you, you're in an awful situation and I really hope you can secure a sale, but I think you need to think carefully about what you're leaving the buyer to deal with.

wordyBird · 30/10/2013 00:08

I don't know all your backstory, CCTV, but enough that I'm glad you're moving too. A fresh start will help you so much.

I think better meant that you just tell the estate agent enough so that they can be cautious about any odd or unexpected calls to view your property. They don't need to know where you're moving, or any more of your private business - only enough to keep you safe.

If you want to change your name, do it. It's just a name!

ArtsyLady · 30/10/2013 00:12

Hi, I don't have any good advice to give you, but your situation sounds really rough. Just wanted to wish you the best, girl!

Lweji · 30/10/2013 00:16

Fingers crossed for you.

See how it goes with buyers. They may actually like that it has CCTV.
You can't lie about why you have it there, but you don't have to offer an explanation if they don't ask why it's there.
Or you can explain that it's a personal issue, not to do with location of the house or neighbours.

Original poster
CCTVmum · 30/10/2013 00:49

Treater thank you for this advice. I was thinking of writing to his mum after I move with photos of my broken front door and outside lights to pass onto ex that I no longer live their (make up I have moved abroad). So that he knows then I am not their!

But then he will be fired up for revenge then as his mum will know about his past behaviours. Plus as he was never caught prior to CCTV only wittnessed in area(when lives abroad) he could have me up slander then...for stuff he really did but got away with! That's a bad idea isn't it?

I think if he saw different car he would stalk to see who is their then once knows I am not their he would not attack. Prior to CCTV he would make sure I was in house with ds alone, so if he saw other people he would not attack. I know him better than he does LOL! But he usually stalks first as ds used to have home school and ex often attacked 10 mins after the person left ensuring I was alone. I will leave CCTV as costs so much to take down and a memory i don't want reminding of! Protection for other family too...but I know ex wont touch another person/property, it is me he hates and wants to hurt no one else thankfully so feel confident he will not attack new family.

Tbh my only way of ensuring that did not happen was to put up for sale sign so he will see it and expect me to leave at some point?

I just dont want him to follow me and ds.

wordB I dont think ex would think I have house up for sale as no sign up. Unless he is tipped off by my exSIS that is, but my mum promised not to say anything to her.

ahh thanks artsy!

Lewji Thanks for your hand holding over years, hope you are ok too? I will say nervius on my own...that isnt a lie.

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 30/10/2013 01:01

I remember your posts and the awful fear that he has left behind.

Leave the CCTV. If anyone ask just (casually) tell them that a bonkers ex put it in as he was paranoid about his sorts car being nicked and you saw no reason to remove it. It's a nice area, low crime rate but you can't be to careful these days, etc.

Honestly, he watches & stalks. He won't bother them once you are gone. When you move time if outside of any obvious holiday periods.

Good luck !

Original poster
CCTVmum · 30/10/2013 01:10

Good idea TCTS! I could say he had a jag (joke with GT)!

Yep tutors would not have cars and leave to get bus then BANG! Sometime several hours after being in house all day. Ex got slack and was spotted by three of them one day(2 girls together on bus stop and ex sitting in car round corner they were terrified) thats when I realised their was tiny gap in neighbours hedge and he could park up and watch! He still could be doing that? Try not to think of things like that though!

OP posts: