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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is getting home at 12.10am too late?

76 replies

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 21:59

DH and I moved abroad a few months ago. We have a 4 yo DD who goes to school. School starts at 7.30am sun-thurs.

DH was at business meetings every evening last week which left me feeling a bit isolated. I told DH this and we made sure we did some stuff as a family at the weekend.

A colleague / friend from the uk is over this week so DH needs to entertain him. However, this friend is coming to stay with us on thurs - mon as him and DH are going to the F1 together all weekend.

DH went through a plan with me of what he was going to do with his friend this week so I wouldn't feel abandoned again. He made plans for dinner this evening, a quick dinner tomorrow, not seeing him wed as DH goes out to his usual sporting event, then thurs he is coming to us and we are all going out for dinner. F1 on the following days.

All fine even though it means I won't see DH much and DH is working abroad next week.

Tonight he left for dinner at 6.40 and didn't get home until 12.10. I was not at all pleased as he is supposed to be taking DD to school tomorrow so I can have the only lie in I will get for a fortnight. His reason for being so late was that he got stuck in traffic on the way there. But they went on to a bar after which they didn't reach until 10.45ish.

AIBU to think this is too late for a work night? AIBU to think he could have at least let me know he was going to be so late?

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 23:01

I am safe and I have our passports. I guess I'll sort out what to do tomorrow. In 10 years he has never acted like this. Now I'm in the Middle East with sharia law and no fall back when the shit hits the fan.

OP posts:

Xmasbaby11 · 28/10/2013 23:04

I don't think it's late. But he should have been able to get up at 6 to take DD to school. If he stayed in bed and denied you your lie in, then it was too late for him.

chocolate2891 · 28/10/2013 23:04

can no one see that shes givem up her career for him mived for him abd does child care and home duties fot him all she wants is a lie in jesus!

chocolate2891 · 28/10/2013 23:04

*moved

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 23:05

I have and I am trying very hard to sort a life for myself here. I have made a few friends already and have joined the school PTA (god help me!) I've been doing as much as I can. I haven't been down at all and have been honest about how I am feeling when I have had homesick days. I've got my driving licence and bought a car so I can get out and about and I have spent lots if time furnishing the house to make it a home. I'm not sat about crying all day or sleeping! In fact, there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything I want to.

OP posts:

Midgetm · 28/10/2013 23:06

I don't think it is unreasonable to want a lie in once in a blue moon. A marriage is a partnership and bread winning is not ranked higher than staying at home IMO. And I am the breadwinner in this house. 12.10 is not late if you can still fulfil what you have promised. But it appears he will not. YANBU. Moving abroad can be very isolating. Talk to DH when you are calm and explain why these things, which may seem so petty to him, are so important to you.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/10/2013 23:07

I hope you can have a decent conversation with him later OP. It must be very hard to have him out so much and you staying home.

HaroldLloyd · 28/10/2013 23:08

Well the point is that he SHOULD have done the run no matter what time he came in, and a row happened in the interim.

Chocolate, although its probably irrelevant now I am saying he is an adult, and if he wants to stay out until 12 and only give himself 6 hours sleep that's his look out isn't it, its not a ridiculously late time to come in AND do the run.

ZenNudist · 28/10/2013 23:09

I thought you were talking about a child!

Yabu an adult can get home as late as they like providing they are willing to cope with their other responsibilities.

In the situation you describe your dh was within his rights, it's not even something that happens regularly.

Googleit · 28/10/2013 23:10

Yes exactly it is about respect. YANBU his behaviour says it all really. Why have you out there if he is hardly ever going to see you and his dd. No work commitments take up so much time even david cameron takes his kids to school sometimes.
Use the passports he threw at you and go home. Remember to make him pay child maintnance from the uk.

cjel · 28/10/2013 23:10

I'm not sure it can all be work, sounds like hes been happy living the single life when you aren't there and doesn't want to stop. If hes told you to come home then come and see what he does thenx

chocolate2891 · 28/10/2013 23:13

just cos hes the bread winner it doesn't mean he can do what he wants when he wants if this wer a woman itd be dif

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 23:14

I need sleep now. It's 3.15am here.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 28/10/2013 23:16

Hope it all works out OK for you Deep.

cjel · 28/10/2013 23:18

sleep wellxx

Jinsei · 28/10/2013 23:20

You may have been a little unreasonable, but you're isolated in a new country, so that's understandable. His reaction was totally unreasonable and unacceptable. are you ok?

notanyanymore · 28/10/2013 23:21

Op I don't think your being unreasonable at all, I've not read the whole thread properly but how come the only break in 'work/entertaining' is on the eve he's doing sport? Its not so important then that he's prepared to miss that, but it is important enough to dump on you...
I would feel the same in your situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2013 23:23

He has been violent after you are now isolated in a country that massively favours men. I'm really worried for you OP. I think you need to plan for leaving, honestly. Be careful.

ZenNudist · 28/10/2013 23:31

Ok sorry having read the rest if the thread it had already moved on. So ywbu about the late night, he ibu to shout & smash stuff.

It all sounds very extreme. Clearly there's a lot more going on here. Did you even want to move abroad? Are you missing your work/ family/ friends?

He doesn't sound like he's being very considerate to you helping you to settle in. Although there's always more you could be forgetting to tell us?

Retroformica · 28/10/2013 23:40

I think it doesn't matter what time he comes in as long as he faces his agreed responsibility - dressing and taking dd to school first thing on one day only. He's been socialising ( not for work) and you need one morning to sleep - perfectly reasonable when it's clear you won't get a lie in for a few weeks now. Even stay at home mums need the odd lie in after weeks of early starts.

Retroformica · 28/10/2013 23:41

I think chucking the passports etc is not on.

cestlavielife · 29/10/2013 00:00

It wasn't too late for him to get back.
But to start smashing things was wrong...

But I would take dd and do as he suggests given as he wont be there next week...go home and reconsider your position.you cannot live with someone who smashes your phone, objects etc. .

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2013 00:03

OP, you don't think he could be having an affair? If he is so out of character, plus going out all the time...

Vivacia · 29/10/2013 06:30

I know you didn't want the other details to cloud people's judgement or because you felt they were private. However think they are very relevant even if only because they put your reaction in perspective. I'm concerned that your reaction in the face of his violent outburst is to question if your own behaviour was reasonable. I'm struggling to think what unreasonable behaviour you'd have to demonstrate to warrant this reaction.

I hope you are taking steps to keep safe.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 29/10/2013 08:00

Hope you're ok .

Stay safe.

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