Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is getting home at 12.10am too late?

76 replies

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 21:59

DH and I moved abroad a few months ago. We have a 4 yo DD who goes to school. School starts at 7.30am sun-thurs.

DH was at business meetings every evening last week which left me feeling a bit isolated. I told DH this and we made sure we did some stuff as a family at the weekend.

A colleague / friend from the uk is over this week so DH needs to entertain him. However, this friend is coming to stay with us on thurs - mon as him and DH are going to the F1 together all weekend.

DH went through a plan with me of what he was going to do with his friend this week so I wouldn't feel abandoned again. He made plans for dinner this evening, a quick dinner tomorrow, not seeing him wed as DH goes out to his usual sporting event, then thurs he is coming to us and we are all going out for dinner. F1 on the following days.

All fine even though it means I won't see DH much and DH is working abroad next week.

Tonight he left for dinner at 6.40 and didn't get home until 12.10. I was not at all pleased as he is supposed to be taking DD to school tomorrow so I can have the only lie in I will get for a fortnight. His reason for being so late was that he got stuck in traffic on the way there. But they went on to a bar after which they didn't reach until 10.45ish.

AIBU to think this is too late for a work night? AIBU to think he could have at least let me know he was going to be so late?

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:37

Drip*

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:39

No Garcia I am not a sloth. Thanks for that.

OP posts:

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 28/10/2013 22:39

Stop telling porkies. Majority vote for YABU coupled with some stern advice to stay firm about.tomorrow.morning and all of a sudden you tell us he has stormed out.

Youve started a thread debating a disagreement between you and your OH. That he stormed out because of it is a necessary part of your OP.

peggyundercrackers · 28/10/2013 22:39

yes you are over reacting - 12:10 isn't that late - hes an adult and can stay out as late as he wants.

AlexaChelsea · 28/10/2013 22:40

Where's he gone at nearly 2am?

Vivacia · 28/10/2013 22:41

OP accepts the "YABU" judgement. Cue three more pages of people telling her she is being unreasonable and just needs to accept that.

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:42

I asked if 12.10 was too late to be coming in coupled with all the other things he has been/will be doing. I asked that as I genuinely didn't know if I was the one over reacting. The fact he stormed out is irrelevant to my question.

OP posts:

thebody · 28/10/2013 22:42

midnight on a school night is late for a child to go to bed but for most adults I would think that's completely normal
in or out of the house.

why don't you nap while your dd is at school? why do you heed a lie in/so much sleep?

don't really understand the whole situation but I guess you are feeling a bit lonely?

olympicsrock · 28/10/2013 22:42

I think it's late on a work night particularly if he'll struggle to get DD up. I would struggle to have a decent morning nap. It's not long enough from getting up. YANBU - i'd be annoyed to be woken too.

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:43

Alexa - I don't know. He left in his car. He hadn't been drinking. I doubt he will get a hotel at this time.

OP posts:

AlexaChelsea · 28/10/2013 22:44

I used to get home from work at 2am and be up for 7:30 every morning. So it's not too late.

YABU.

I still want to know where he's gone at 2am

AlexaChelsea · 28/10/2013 22:45

He's actually walked out and left because you are annoyed at him?

Where is his friend, could he have gone to stay with him?

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:46

I like my sleep. I don't especially like going back to bed though, I would much rather just have an extra hour or so. I haven't slept great since we got here with the change in climate, new bed, much lighter room etc. I did 3 months of no reprieve before joining DH out here so was looking forward to a bit of a lie in.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 28/10/2013 22:46

sorry I should have said the reason I think your over reacting is its 1 night - no big deal. you want a lie in but don't work...hhmmm...

Caitlin17 · 28/10/2013 22:46

YABU. Sorry but as he's the breadwinner and you will have the rest of the day to catch up on your sleep you should do the school run. If this is essential work"socialising" then sorry you have to put up with it.

If you were the breadwinner and he was the stay at home, then of course he should accommodate you in the same way.

Ham69 · 28/10/2013 22:48

Caitlin Why aren't you entitled to a lie in just because you don't 'work'? If OP's husband isn't going to be around for a while and she is up at 6 every day with a 4yo, I think a lie in is very much needed.
I don't think 12.10 is late though OP. Can you get DD's things ready the night before and then, as previously suggested, eye mask, ear plugs, etc.?

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2013 22:49

I think you've had a bit of an unfair kicking OP. You've moved overseas, have no job and presumably a more curtailed social life because you have left home. Your DH is out every night last week, abroad next week and is out every night this week, one of which you are joining him for. I'm not surprised you feel isolated.

It's all very well people saying that it is work but the F1, bars and so on aren't really. I think the lie-in/late night is a red herring. It sounds like you do all the home stuff and DD stuff and DH works and goes out every night. Working abroad sounds fun for him, is it fun for you?

It can be really miserable being in a new country when your DH works and you don't. I got quite unhappy and was not myself at all. Is there any activity you could do? Volunteer? Ex-pat community?

peggyundercrackers · 28/10/2013 22:50

I can imagine what the reaction would be if a man came on saying I want my OH in by 10:45 so I can get a lie in tomorrow... the words off and fuck come to mind.

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:50

I was annoyed at him, we rowed, he smashed my phone against the wall, punched a mirror, slammed the bedroom door so hard the frame has shifted then grabbed a case, stuffed some stuff in it and left. Chucked mine and DD's passports at me and told me to go home.

He hSn't ever done anything like that before which is why I wanted to know if I was the one over reacting.

He knows I'm having some difficulty settling in this totally foreign place but I think he has run out of patience.

And no, I am not fucking drip feeding. I am not asking for anything to do with the above I just wanted my question answering which has been done adequately.

OP posts:

Original poster

DeepPurple · 28/10/2013 22:52

Peggy - I didn't give him a curfew. I think it's about respect.

OP posts:

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 28/10/2013 22:58

Ok.

OP, I don't think ywbu anyway. But his reaction is way out of line. Are you ok? Are you safe?

chocolate2891 · 28/10/2013 22:58

you are not being unreasonable I would feel the same as you.im just worried cos he threw yours and dd passports at you and told you to go home,thats not right x

HaroldLloyd · 28/10/2013 23:01

Why are people being so snarky? OP has already said she accepts she was being a bit unreasonable.

Shes asking was she being so to see if it justified his response I suppose and now feels a little defensive against the huge snarking.

OP - I think you are being unreasonable regarding the time in to be honest, however if he had agreed to do the school run, you absolutely should have just let him do it as agreed.

Seems that this is part of a bigger issue where you have moved abroad and given up your career and he seems to be out a lot mostly through no fault of his own.

Let the situation calm down and have a good think, I have a friend who was in this position and its not easy.

Are you somewhere that isnt english speaking? Could you do some language classes or something like that?

chocolate2891 · 28/10/2013 23:01

violence too op id be running.its not right as you've done a drastic step moving to another country

Dahlen · 28/10/2013 23:01

Well, drip-feeding or not, your marriage is in serious trouble isn't it. The question is what are you going to do about it?

I don't know the situation. I don't think 12.10 is too late for him to be home - he's a grown man with his own time management ability. As long as he is able to meet his commitments, such as getting up with DD, how much sleep he has is up to him. To stroll up later than agreed without telling you is not on though; that's just rude and inconsiderate.

I don't know if he's having the time of his life and not giving a damn about how well you're adjusting, or whether he's tried 100 suggestions and you've met them all with a "yes, but" and made no effort to build your own life. Perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle.

But right now, clearly you're not happy, neither of you is communicating, and meanwhile you're stuck in a foreign country with a young DD and a H whose behaviour is only one step removed from crossing a very serious line.

You need to put a stop to this now. Either by sitting down and having a full and frank chat with your H with a view to finding some solutions, or by taking those passports and coming home.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread