How do I deal with an ex spreading hurtful rumours about me at work??

[Day300]

I know I was silly to get involved with someone at work as these things do happen but I really need some advice.

I work for a large company over many different bases, me and a XP met and work and lived together for 6 months. In this time I unexpectedly fell pregnant but miscarried. We then split up, he was rather nasty about it. But we both moved to different work locations and I moved on, never mentioned it etc.

This was 2 years ago, now I found out a few months ago we are being moved to the same location. I called him up and asked him if he could not mention that we had a relationship and be civil to each other. He agreed. All good I thought.

He moved to the location 2 months ago, I'm moving in a few weeks. I've heard from 3 seperate sources that he has told people we had a relationship, and that I was vile to him and trickle him into getting pregnant then terminated the pregnancy without telling him then threw him out

I have never mentioned it to anyone we work with, I am a private person and I'm devestated he could be so callous and tell such outrageous lies. It must have come from his mouth as these people knew intimate details.

And to make it worse, his new girlfriend, who also works for the same company has been telling people who she works with how upset he is at having to see me again after I treated him so badly

This is such a bolt out the blue after such a long time I am shocked and angry. I want to scream and scream at him.

Please give me some advice as I'm worried about making myself look crazy by having it out with him but don't want him to get away with it. I'm also single at the moment and haven't met anyone decent for ages so feeling a bit sorry for myself

I am sorry to read this. Somebody will soon be along with better ideas and experience but as this is in the workplace could you speak with your manager or HR? Maybe try posting in the employment section.

Take care x

The new GF will be his next victim, when she tells her story, people with any intellect will work out he is a knob, dopes will say your at fault for hurting him. Ignore him and the gf.

How horrible.

I think I'd start by discussing with your line manager or someone in HR - explain your anxieties, tell your version of events and the one you have heard that he is telling. Think you need to be proactive about this - not in the sense of winning critical allies but because you do not want to appear complicit in his games. (You may also consider taking out a grievance? Depends on many factors I'm sure.) Follow up any meeting in writing.

To the rest of the company, I'd refuse to engage with it and pretend as far as possible that its not happening. I strongly suspect that, given enough rope, he'll hang himself.

Document everything. Time, date, who, what.

Union?

Whatever you do, do not engage directly with him. It will not end well.

Agree with don't engage him or her. Head up high even though it can feel lonely and unfair. Truth will out

Good advice from likely there. You definitely need to be proactive, approach your manager or HR as soon as you can, and definitely follow everything up in writing. This happened to me and I did take out a grievance, but I was only able to do so because some of the things my ex was saying were directly related to my capability to do my job and colleagues at work. Do your company have a dignity at work policy? That's probably a good place to start.

Oh, and please don't beat yourself up about starting a relationship at work, it's where most people meet after all. You've just been unlucky

Completely agree with likely - be proactive by telling your line manager or equivalent.

As for dealing with everyone else...I'd keep a dignified silence.

Just because your XP has told these lies to your new colleagues doesn't mean that they will be believing him. Over-sharers at work always come across as extremely odd in my experience.

Yes, that's a good point from seagull, if I'd just met him and he was telling me all this personal stuff, I'd be wondering why he felt the need to mention it. And I always tend to doubt people who volunteer such personal info without being prompted.

This is horrid, poor you.

I agree you need to speak to HR ASAP.

I agree about writing everything down, times and dates etc.

Understand that you are a private person, however this is now your private life intertwining with your work life. You can't let this continue.

Do not speak to anyone other than your direct boss and HR on this matter. Do not involve yourself in office gossip.

Good luck

I agree with likely. I would speak to HR about this. It will be an embarrassing conversation that you shouldn't have to have, but it may come in very useful to have HR forewarned. You don't have to demand action, just have it on record. You could even put it in writing to avoid a meeting. But have it on record with HR even if you never mention anything with your day-to-day colleagues or line managers.

Think about why your X is doing this. Sadist? Guilt - knows he treated you badly and is worried you'll expose him?

If he is a sadist who enjoys messing with people's lives, chances are he's already known for this. There are numerous ways you could handle that scenario. Dignified silence is probably best, but bearing in mind that you're female, he's male, and he's already established in your office, you could be at a disadvantage. If you need to protect yourself against him, having HR already forewarned will help enormously if, for example, he claims you are trying to slander him because he's called you on your professional capabilities or because you had a previous relationship. A discreet word in the ear of the office gossip (putting your side forward and begging for secrecy) could also put him in his place - especially if people have doubts about him, but I'd save that for later and only if necessary.

If it's guilt, the same applies really.

Good luck.

Same here. It isn't normal to share this sort of information. I think most people with any kind of emotional intelligence will recognise that and wonder why he feels the need to offer up so much info about you and your relationship.

But I would have a quiet, proactive word with your line manager.

Thank you for all your advice. I'm reluctant to go to line manager or hr as it is a very male dominated sexist company and I know they will paint me as hysterical female I've seen it happen before.

I have just messaged him a very polite text from an old phone so not my current number, saying I thought we agreed to not discuss what happened, it's embarrassing for both of us, so please stop. Everyone else I will ignore, if anyone asks me about it I will point blank deny it (it's a very gossipy place so it's a strong possibility they will)

It's just so so strange I never saw this coming.

I'm not sure if it's guilt, he is a 'victim' personality, nothing is ever his fault and he did lie a lot when we were together. I just never thought I'd had to deal with it again. Oh well onwards and upwards with my head held high. Being the bigger person, sucks sometimes

I think you made a mistake when you asked him not to mention the relationship. From what you describe over the miscarriage, the llying and so forth he's clearly a very nasty piece of work, a bully, and he will have seen 'don't mention it' as a weak-point to be exploited. Messaging him asking him to stop is compounding the mistake. That's the first thing. No more contact because it's encouraging the bully.

Secondly, you really do have to go to HR about this. Even if the company is male-dominated and sexist, I'm sure you're intelligent and resourceful enough to state the case in a way that will not be regarded as hysterical. Companies fear law-suits more than anything and I'm sure you can find an angle that pricks that fear.

Otherwise, maintain your dignity and don't engage.

Definition of Defamation

An imputation which is likely to lower the person in the estimation of right thinking people;
An imputation which injures a persons reputation, by exposing them to hatred, contempt or ridicule;
An imputation which intends to make a person be shunned or avoided

He is slandering you. Speak to your manager and HR.
Presumably if necessary you could provide evidence (medical records) of the miscarriage. Once one part of his 'version' of events falls apart so the rest of his lies will be exposed. I'm not suggesting that you will have to do this, but the threat, made with the support of management and HR, should at the very least stop his vitriol.

He sounds very bitter, and if I was his new GF instead of helping him tarnish your name, I'd be wondering why he was still so hung up on an ex.

I would have done the same as you - messaged him a second time to say that I'd heard what he'd been gossiping about & to please stop. The truth will come out on the end if you want it to.

Hold your head high.

Sadly I agree with pp about that fact you shouldn't have message him.

You need to speak to HR, this matter will not resolve itself by you sending polite friendly text messages to your ex. Which not doubt he's now mentioned to his current girlfriend, water cooler here it comes

Malicious rumours are being spread about you, it is already having a detrimental effect. Deal with it NOW. If necessary can you take the medical records with you? I understand this is very personally but I really don't see how you can resolve this with out going to your line manager / HR.

Male dominated or not they must take this matter seriously.

Are you in the forces by any chance?

The reason I ask, is I used to be and it sounds like a similar set up. It's tough because the usual rules don't apply in that case and the talking to
HR thing is never really an option unfortunately.

OP - please get it into your head that if he's flapping his mouth about you he can also show people your text messages. If what you posted above is close to what you sent, that might look (to those predisposed to believing him) like you have something to hide. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH HIM. Then remember that every workplace has its assholes but most of us don't want to add to the stresses created by the work. While we might not want to socialise with colleagues, it benefits us to get along with them in the hours we work. Colleagues seemingly getting on with your ex aren't necessarily on his side. If they are, people who would judge you on his say-so alone aren't worth knowing beyond a professional basis anyway. On that basis, he's done you a favour by helping you seperate the wheat from the chaff. Most people will 'judge' you as they find you and, as others have said, might well resent his efforts to tell them what to think of you. Of course you'll feel a bit vulnerable, arriving late to the party, but I doubt he'll prove as persuasive as you envisage. By all means take notes but, especially since your faith in bosses isn't great, give yourself a month to settle in. Then, if it IS bad, you have a month of notes to support you rather than trying to wing it on day one. Also, if you want them to give you a chance, don't you think you should afford them the same courtesy? Good luck.

I don't see that there is any way you can avoid talking to your manager and HR.

Workplace slander can constitute gross misconduct depending on the circumstances.

If it's a male dominated workplace, stick to the facts and don't use words such as hurtful upsetting unkind. Say these are the lies he has told about me: xyz, I can provide proof if required, how would you do you advise me to proceed.

I agree that you must not contact him. The text you sent is unfortunate in that it could be used by him to corroborate his side, you do not accuse him of lying, and it could be interpreted to mean that you wanted to cover up what happened. I would send one more text to cover yourself with explicit reference to his lies, then block his number and don't contact him again.

OP, this man is not reasonable. You cannot behave as if he might suddenly become reasonable.

OP, if you already know the workplace is bad for gossip, you may have to be ready for all and sundry sidling up to you and asking 'Is it true that xyz...'

Get a few stock answers ready.
'Is he still spouting that nonsense?'
'Never heard such rubbish'
'He is obviously still smarting'
'The fantasies continue i see'
All should be accompanied by an eye roll, shrug, swift change of subject. If you don't give them more fodder for gossip, they will soon find someone more interesting.

If you don't go to HR you could end up in a situation where your worklife is intolerable. Hopefully everyone is too professional to let personal feelings affect working relationships, so even if they believe your X your job will be fine. After a while, it will probably become apparent that you are nothing like his description of you and he will expose himself for what he is.

However, that's assuming everyone is a consummate professional. Are they? There are an awful lot of stories regarding workplace bullying, culture of fear and cliques. If X and his GF are already stationed there and have made an impression, you face an uphill battle. Combine that with a sexist, male-dominated industry and people will want to believe you're the troublemaker because it's easier for them to hold that belief than to consider you the wronged woman.

Turn the tables on your X. Paint him as the devious, unreliable and hot-headed fantasist and yourself as the cool, calm, unemotional one. Email HR instead of calling a visit in a fairly offhand manner as though it's no big deal to you but you would like to make sure the company are protected in case of any 'misunderstandings' caused by your X's behaviour.

Tell them that as a consummate professional you have no problem working with your X and have never paid attention to workplace gossip. In a bid to keep things professional and ensure a smooth transition for all concerned, you contacted your X because your relationship ended unpleasantly and you wanted to ensure that it didn't cross over into a new working relationship. You reached an amicable agreement and requested he keep your previous relationship private, which he agreed. You are disappointed to learn that he has done the opposite and been spreading slanderous rumours about you which have reached your attention through various sources.

While you are not going to respond to the rumours, you won't become involved in any unpleasantness and you have broad enough shoulders to shrug off any personal judgments from others as long as they are able to work in a professional manner, you feel the need to bring these matters to HR's attention in case things escalate. You have no intention of allowing them to, but events in the past have given you cause for concern that your X may not let things rest there, although you don't want to go into details about his past because that is his personal life and you don't have the right to discuss it. However, you want your concerns put on record so that you can protect your working integrity and be clear that you've done your best to divert a potentially embarrassing situation for the company just in case your X continues in his smear campaign.

Very well written dah

I would go toa solicitor, get them to write a cease and desist letter which might also point out that getting sued for libel by a colleague may not look too good on his CV and watch him shit himself

Technically it would be slander not libel, but it's not come to that yet. She should go through the correct channels at work because a word from management might be enough to stop him.

I agree with much of what Dahlen says, except this: "Paint him as the devious, unreliable and hot-headed fantasist and yourself as the cool, calm, unemotional one"

Personally, I would be wary of trying to paint him as anything tbh, because it will just look like tit for tat. No-one wants a bad romance played out in the work environment. If you have never badmouthed him at work, it's very obviously his problem. He is the one behaving unprofessionally.

But you can state clearly that he is spreading lies, because that is simply a fact.