Anyone have a dp/dh who is an alcoholic?

[Muchadoaboutnuthing]

Has anyone ever been married to or in a relationship with someone addicted to alcohol? I've recently started a new relationship after coming out of a long, abusive marriage. The relationship is with an old friend. However this weekend he admitted to me that he is an alcoholic. He is a very functioning alcoholic in that he has held down the same job for many years, he pays his bills, has savings, no debts, has a good relationship with his ex wife and kids, gets on great with his flatmates etc.
I wasn't totally shocked when he told me tbh, I did have my suspicions...my mum is an alcoholic and I could see some of the patterns. However I don't know what to do now. I've told him I need time to think...I have a lot going on both at work and at home next week so wont have the time to give this as much thought as it needs. I'm due to see him in 2 weeks (Its a ldr) so we'll talk properly then.
In the meantime I guess I'm looking for some kind of hope that this could work. I'm not unrealistic, as I said my mum was an alcoholic so I wont be letting this guy into my life in a serious way until I see a definite commitment that he wants to recover from this. But I really do love him and I hate the idea of walking away from him if this is something that could work.

But has he said he wants to recover?thats a tough thing to deal with in a new relationship.

Sorry, but you will never come first with this man if he carries on drinking.

He has said he wants to, he went into rehab once but started drinking again almost straight away when he came out. He said he wants our relationship to work and he really wants to try again to get help for the drinking. I'm just scared he'll try and try but it just wont work and in the meantime I'm just going to get hurt. I know that sound selfish but I've only come out of a long and violent marriage, I'm reluctant to put myself through it all again.

Walk away now...

Yes I was married to an alcoholic also cocaine addict for years.

You will never come first , gradually all things will be your fault and it will be your fault he drinks as you make him feel bad/you are ungrateful/he needs space/you dont go near him/you dont let him relax/ hes had a bad day and youre making it worse/ you stress him out. He will go swiftly from functioning to losing his job, you will not have sex, he will smell dreadful, his moods in the morning will make you wish he hadnt woken up, everything will revolve around when he will drink next, what will he and how will he drink. He will lie and tell you he will seek help. He will lie about where he's been. He will lie about anything. He will blame.

He will trample all over your feelings and little by little any love or affection you had will drip away until there's nothing left. And he won't care.

Don't do it . Alcohol will be more important than you every single time. You're worth more than that.

Tell him to ring you in 12 months when he's kicked the booze

I agree with HM , get him to get back in touch when he's been sober for a year. When you've just come out of a difficult and violent relationship the last thing you need us a long distance relationship with an alcoholic.

How much work have you done on yourself and your patterns of attachment? It's absolutely not selfish at all- I would say keep clear. And I was with an alcoholic for 12 years. You didn't cause it , you can't control it and you can't cure it. They're the only ones who can do that. Look after yourself. Please don't get involved until he's been sober a long time.

No, no, no and yes to all the suggestions about him ringing you back when he's ben 12 months sober.

I'm sure he is a lovely guy. Doesn't alter the fact he's an alcoholic, high-functioning or not. He won't be able to take you anywhere in the evenings because he's over the limit - whether that's for fun or an emergency situation. You'll stop doing stuff together because not all social functions have alcohol. You'll drift apart.

Eventually you'll start to wonder if you're enough for him, seeing as he can't just enjoy your company but has to have a drink as well. It will damage your self-esteem and your regard for him.

I mean this kindly, not dismissively, but I'd really recommend some counselling. The fact that you're even entertaining the idea of this relationship suggests to me that you're not completely over the damage caused by your mother's alcoholism. It isn't something you have to accommodate; it is something you should not have to put up with at all. I expect you are one of life's copers and doers, a very strong woman who just gets on with things. But a loving relationship should enhance your life, not bring with it a whole new set of problems to be mitigated.

As a recovered drinker, I can categorically tell you change is possible. I now run meetings for other people with addiction problems. If he's really sincere about it, and can't face a 12-step spiritual (AA) program, get him to look at smartrecovery.org.uk (UK) or smartrecovery.org (US).
Agree though - he has to want to change. We're just launching the Family support network too. so you may want to look at that yourself.
To reiterate, change IS possible, but the desire has to be there. if its not - walk away.

Thank you so much for the replies. He rang me last night and has decided to go into an addiction treatment centre. They run 12 week programmes...its residential. He wants to know if I'll visit him etc while he's in there. I really want to...I want to help him through this because I know what a good person he is and I really do love him.
The fact he's so willing to change does give me hope but I'm so afraid of going through all this and it just ending up a mess further down the line. I know I need counselling for myself and will have to get support as to how best to deal eith this I think.
Powellct thank you for being so open. Your story really does give me hope that he could recover.

Do NOT go anywhere near this man. It is already ALL about him and his addiction. Visiting him in the residential centre is not about helping him. It is about giving him the attention he wants. You can't help him anyway. No one can do that.

You've been in a long abusive marriage and your mother was an alcoholic? You are ripe to get into another flawed relationship. Save yourself now. Focus on yourself not this chap. Go to Al-Anon, counselling, whatever - you need to look at your own behaviours now before you consign yourself to living for someone else.

Too late though, isn't it. I can tell from your post at 11.59 that you're already casting yourself in the role of rescuer.

No, no, no. You can't and shouldn't try to 'help him through it'. You must let him do the necessary work and as others have suggested tell him to get in touch in a year when he's sober. I'm suspicious that he's just decided to go to rehab after getting together with you, and him asking if you will visit is already making his recovery conditional on your support. Just no.

Thanks Hope, I appreciate what you're saying. I have started counselling but only very recently...I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. I can see what you mean about me casting myself in that role... I'm like that in general I think...always trying to help everyone and fix everything. I do understand that I cant fix this for him but I'm afraid that walking away from him now will make things even worse for him if that makes sense. I'm so confused...I hate the idea of giving up on this relationship just because its a bit difficult but at the same time I've had alcohol ruining my life from when I was a child...I hate the idea of it still being an issue in my life.

Eric is right. This man is telling you all the stuff he thinks you want to hear.

Muchado can you re-read your comment about alcohol still being an issue in your life. It doesn't have to be, at least not with a new person.

walking away from him now will make things even worse for him NOOOO! That's what he'll tell you but it is simply not true!! He was an alcoholic before he met you - how could your actions now possibly make anything worse? This is pure manipulative addiction talking. You can feel sorry for them without having to be caught up in the manipulation. Detach now and have no more contact.

If you were my sister or friend I would be so upset for you right now. Please consider going to Al-Anon if only to find out more about how addiction affects those close to the addiction, how you can recognise how it's affected you, and to meet people who are or have been in the same situation.

The residential place will likely not let you see him at all if you show up and I hope they turn you away. They actively discourage visitors as the person has to do this on their own and without outside propping up from well meaning people but naïve people like your own self.

Remember too that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

You're basically propping this guy up and he knows it.

It is not your job to fix this man but you have cast yourself in the role of rescuer; this was all learnt by you in childhood. Rescuing only gives you a false sense of control; it helps no-one. If you allow yourself to become further involved with this man he and his associated alcoholism will further ruin you and your life has been drowning in alcohol from an early age. All this bloke is doing as well currently is dragging you down with him.

You are also too bloody vulnerable frankly to have a relationship at all because you are ripe for people to basically take advantage of your innate rescuing and saving tendencies that now need to be severely curtailed. It is clear that you do not love your own self and have been conditioned to be codependent and put others always first at your own expense. You're also in a LDR and you already state that you love this guy, you barely know him!.

Apart from going to Al-anon and I would urge you to contact them asap I would ask that you read a copy of Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

You've been around alcohol all your life really starting with your mother who was herself an alcoholic. It is of no surprise to me whatsoever that your current man is himself an alcoholic.

Such people are adept at telling you what you so want to hear but they are really masters of manipulation.

As your mother was an alcoholic I think there is a risk that you will become highly invested in 'fixing' this man as you would have liked your mother to be 'fixed'.

Only he can do the fixing.

I have a wealth of knowledge in this one.
I'll give you my side of it as a recovered drinker. When I was in the depths of my addiction, nothing and nobody was going to make me stop. I'd hide cans and bottles wherever I could. I'd lie to my wife. I made her think she was going mad; I made her doubt that I actually had a problem. It took her finding the evidence I was hiding it, and the threat of divorce for me to realise what I could be losing.
That's the easy bit.
The hard bit is 1) getting over the physical dependence, and 2) getting over the psychological dependence. The first one is done (realistically) very quickly - the second takes an awful lot longer, and is a lot of hard work that only the drinker can do - assuming they want to. I now run support groups for people with addiction problems, and I see it every week.
His 12 week stay is residential rehab is just the start of his journey. Thereafter he will need ongoing support, preferably from peer support groups such as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), SR (Smart Recovery), IR (Intuitive Recovery), or similar, as the local DAT are unlikely to fund any more treatment. Unless he is 100% committed there is a very real chance of lapse or relapse in the first 12 months, maybe longer. That's not an absolute, its a potential.
I have to say I tend to agree with most of the other posts here - leave it at least a year to see if he comes through it. Even if he does, chances are he won't be the same man - I'm not.
I was very motivated to stop because I wanted to save my marriage - but I had little support at home because of the damage I had done - trust takes a long time to rebuild. Its been rebuilt now, even though most of the things that "made" (nothing, but nothing "makes" you drink except yourself) me drink are still there - I just react differently to them. I did it myself for myself - that's a big difference to someone doing it to please another person.
I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you choose to do, but seriously, as its a new relationship I'd be inclined to suggest you put in on a back burner. He CAN recover, but he has to want to and its a bastard hard journey.
Sorry for the massive diatribe - its a subject very close to my heart.

powellct as partner of a drinker in recovery, I'd just like to thank you for that post.

You're welcome. I'm passionate about it - I see it destroy so much. So passionate I'm speaking about my recovery at a conference next month in front of Public Health England.
And I'm only a plumber.... :-)

Good luck Powellct. I am sure your speech will help many. It's very powerful to hear how it was for you and the reality of how all consuming your need for alcohol was.

As the XP of a drinker it rang very true. Would harb loved to have that insight at the time. Might have stopped me trying to "save" him.

Wary of hijacking the original post...
I didn't want to be saved. I hated the world for what it was doing/had done to me (go figure, huh?) and was on a self destruct mission. It was me realising what I could lose, and the subsequent realisation that life CAN be crap at times - and no amount of blotting things out changes that - that pulled me up.
I had to change the way I thought about and reacted to things. Life still throws me spin balls, but I don't react to them by running to the bottle (or cans). Life is so much better I can't begin to tell you. The booze changes nothing about life - it just makes bad things worse.
But you can't see that when you're in the middle of a problem

It reads to me that you want a second chance to heal an alcoholic, not realizing that you can't do it.

Every post you have written screams 'Someone tell me I can do this! Someone give me permission and say it will work.' It seems you have thanked everyone for that glimmer of hope.

Your new man is already leaning on you and wanting you to help him. But what if this is a journey that only he can undertake?

I would advise you to listen very carefully to what he is telling you. This is who he is. He can certainly change, but it has to be for him.

I learnt this the hard way, going out with a weekend whiskey drinker. He would start Friday after work, drink late, carry on on Saturday into the small hours of Sunday, and then be hungover all day Sunday. Didn't want to speak at all Sunday. After a while I grew really bored. I also lost respect for him. His behavior when drunk was atrocious and embarassing. I also hated what he put his body through. He was not a wise man, for doing that.

What you seem to me is a woman who needs a bit of being cared for, not yet more caring for others. Question is, are you ready for that? Or are you looking to learn lesson one again?

Good luck either way. X

By the way, if you walking away from him now means things would be even worse for him, he needs to ask himself why people are walking away from getting involved with his life

That's a warning shot across the bows for him, and it needs to be there.

We all get them from time to time, related to our behavior, and so we should. Why are you saving him from hearing that warning shot? What will be the result - he carries on more or less, does himself even more damage, and you waste years learning that you cannot fight battles for other people?

Wanted to add a third message!!!!! Basically to say, from one who has had to learn not to save other people, that this is not a hand wringer of a decision. Shall I this, shall I that, what will happen if I don't etc etc???!!!! The simple truth is that once we are adults, we are all responsible for ourselves and our own challenges and problems. The decision to stop helping other people is like a sigh of relief and a huge exercise in creating space in your own life. What will you fill it with? When you are 80 and look back, what will you personally have done that meant something to you, instead of just proper up other people,who probably end up fucking off at some stage anyway. X it is not a difficult decision, it is simply about letting go and breathing x

Yes. Had alcoholic XH. I would echo the advice not to go near him until he's recovered for at least 12 months - I don't know if it's typical, but XH after recovery was a different person to the one he was whilst drinking (and the drinker was a different person to the one he was before he started drinking heavily).

You could find that you don't want to be with the person he becomes. Worse still, you could waste years "saving" him, only to find that if he ever recovers, he no longer wants to be with you.