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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

At wits end with lazy teenager type dh

44 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 28/10/2013 17:32

My husband likes to stay in bed doing absolutely nothing until 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
He says my ds doesn't do enough and gets angry with him a lot. Nagging etc nothing violent
My dd banged her head today and I shot upstairs to help her and he was just sat in bed doing nothing
He works so maybe feels entitled to do nothing else but I feel like a mother to a slobby teenager
He leaves a trail of mess behind him, will dump dirty plates on the floor by the bed
If he cooks, I'm left cleaning up for hours after
On my birthday he got up at 3pm and we did nothing. He made me a cake that night and I woke up to a disgustingly filthy kitchen and I just cried in desperation
I tend to bottle things up but he can tell when I'm angry and asks if its that time of the month! It's like I should be putting up with it
His mum waits on him hand and foot when we are at her house. If I try to talk to her about her 'd's she just gets flustered and changes the subject.
I am close to breaking point but I don't want another exhausting episode as he just turns it around on me so I give up-he has an answer for everything
I've left him before and it was awful. So upsetting. My dad even spoke with him and he took no notice.
I just despair right now
I really don't want to leave him. But what CAN I do?
I'm exhausted and so sad right now

OP posts:

Branleuse · 28/10/2013 17:34

dump him.

Branleuse · 28/10/2013 17:34

if he doesnt get it without you having to tell him, then there is no hope

Catmint · 28/10/2013 17:36

It sounds as if he does not respect you at all. I am sorry.

scarevola · 28/10/2013 17:36

If you really mean that you do not want to leave him, then all you can do is make the best of it.

You can't change him. Only he can decide to change. And on past form, that doesn't look at all likely.

Can you envisage a way to live alongside him and be happy?

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 28/10/2013 17:36

Leaving him is pretty much your only option if you don't fancy living your only life as the skivvy of a lazy, boring shite.

KatieScarlett2833 · 28/10/2013 17:37

You can't change him by maintaining the status quo.
So you either suck it up or get the hell out.

pictish · 28/10/2013 17:39

There is nothing you can do - you either put up with it or leave. Those are your choices.
Personally, I wouldn't hang around to mummy a grown man. The very thought makes me feel ill.

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2013 17:45

Well you only have two options, accept him for the lazy man he is who will never change, or don't put up with it any longer and leave him.

Chottie · 28/10/2013 17:48

I don't think he will change. He sounds a nightmare man. Has he always been like that? Does he stay in bed because he doesn't think he has anything to get up for? Maybe you and DC should go out and have some fun together and leave him on his own at the weekend?

Mumof3xx · 28/10/2013 17:50

My oh is like this 50% of the time

When I am working he is helpful. Does school run gets older dcs tea sometimes baths them cleans house n make us a meal

But when I'm home I get stuck with everything including cleaning up after him

That might sound fair(ish) but even when I work n he takes care of older dcs I still - get then up fed n dressed, read with them n pack their bags

If I'm off he does nothing

Wonderstuff · 28/10/2013 17:52

Talk to him, don't bottle up state what you expect him to do. Are you a SAHM? If so I'd think about getting a job. When I was at home DH and I really resented each other's lives, now we both work we both pitch in at home and feel more of a team.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread · 28/10/2013 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 28/10/2013 17:55

I should say he is not like this every day-he goes to work, he picks ds up from school and does the shopping
The messiness and slobbish ways are regular though
I felt that sinking feeling reading the replies. Reality is kicking in now perhaps

OP posts:

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 28/10/2013 17:56

I feel like he needs treating like a child if he's acting like one -I should start with a reward chart!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 18:08

I think you need to treat him like an adult rather than a child. i.e. confront him with the laziness, demand he starts pulling his weight like a grown-up or tell him that, with regret, he'll have to find somewhere new to doss. Unless he works night shifts there's no excuse for being in bed in the middle of the afternoon. I think his life is far too pleasant doing nothing and, because there are no consequences, he has no motivation to change.

Wonderstuff · 28/10/2013 18:09

I did a reward chart once, I got ripped to shreds for it on here but it made a point.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 28/10/2013 18:10

Wonderstuff. Did things change?

pictish · 28/10/2013 18:10

Lying in bed till 2 or 3 in the afternoon...I mean really, what is the point of him being there at all?
Perhaps you could use him as a draught excluder.

colditz · 28/10/2013 18:12

Once upon a time, I'd have suggested sarcasm, reward charts, tears, telling friends of his how lazy and shit he is, nagging, manipulation and relationship councilling.

Now, I would suggest telling him to get out of your house, because he's a leech and he has no reason to change his ways, none at all.

Wonderstuff · 28/10/2013 18:15

Yes, for a bit. Like I say going back to work was a more significant thing but the reward chart got a couple of weeks of pulled weight. Mine has never stopped in bed til 3 mind, I tend to drag him out of bed before 10 latest on his day for a lie in.

Going away and leaving him to it for a few days is another good way of opening eyes to what you do.

IMO quietly fuming is the worse thing to do.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2013 18:19

I really don't want to leave him.

Why? The couple of things he does for you aren't worth it.

Unless he pays all the bills and the sex is fantastic?

Honestly, he won't change and he's making your life a misery.

Get rid.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 28/10/2013 18:19

Does he know how much this is upsetting you? You need to explain that if he doesn't change his ways then he will have to leave.

Nobody's perfect and we all have to compromise but his behaviour is totally out of order.

Ultimately it's up to you how much you put up with.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 28/10/2013 19:05

You're right really nanny0g! He does pay all the bills, we have a lovely (yet very remote) house and he pay for dd's childcare so I can have a few hours to myself in the week and for activites. I don't think I could cope financially if he left and we are like best friends most of the time. I'm usually very happy but every six months or so this raises its head again and again and he makes out as if it's me being crazy
The reason it comes up regularly is because it's not being resolved!

He just has this awful childish side

How do I bring this up without being cofrontational? I want to talk to him I just don't know how to start

OP posts:

YellowTulips · 28/10/2013 19:23

Don't speak to him when you are already upset about something he has just done (or more likely in his case not done).

It's hard, but you need to create a time without the kids if possible, when you are not angry and frustrated and calmly tell him the issue.

Start with something positive and then say how much of a shame it is that your relationship (that could be great) is crippled by his apathy.

Then ask outright - does he care that he is causing you so much upset and what will he do about it?

If the answer to either if the above is not positive then you probably need to tell him that you need some time out to consider if you want the relationship to continue.

Realistically you need to enforce his behaviour has serious consequences and stick to them (just like a child ironically) if not then doom yourself to being his mother for the rest of your life.

YellowTulips · 28/10/2013 19:23

Don't speak to him when you are already upset about something he has just done (or more likely in his case not done).

It's hard, but you need to create a time without the kids if possible, when you are not angry and frustrated and calmly tell him the issue.

Start with something positive and then say how much of a shame it is that your relationship (that could be great) is crippled by his apathy.

Then ask outright - does he care that he is causing you so much upset and what will he do about it?

If the answer to either if the above is not positive then you probably need to tell him that you need some time out to consider if you want the relationship to continue.

Realistically you need to enforce his behaviour has serious consequences and stick to them (just like a child ironically) if not then doom yourself to being his mother for the rest of your life.

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