At wits end with lazy teenager type dh

[Doubtfuldaphne]

My husband likes to stay in bed doing absolutely nothing until 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
He says my ds doesn't do enough and gets angry with him a lot. Nagging etc nothing violent
My dd banged her head today and I shot upstairs to help her and he was just sat in bed doing nothing
He works so maybe feels entitled to do nothing else but I feel like a mother to a slobby teenager
He leaves a trail of mess behind him, will dump dirty plates on the floor by the bed
If he cooks, I'm left cleaning up for hours after
On my birthday he got up at 3pm and we did nothing. He made me a cake that night and I woke up to a disgustingly filthy kitchen and I just cried in desperation
I tend to bottle things up but he can tell when I'm angry and asks if its that time of the month! It's like I should be putting up with it
His mum waits on him hand and foot when we are at her house. If I try to talk to her about her 'd's she just gets flustered and changes the subject.
I am close to breaking point but I don't want another exhausting episode as he just turns it around on me so I give up-he has an answer for everything
I've left him before and it was awful. So upsetting. My dad even spoke with him and he took no notice.
I just despair right now
I really don't want to leave him. But what CAN I do?
I'm exhausted and so sad right now

So you don't want to leave him, but you need to make him understand how important this is, and the only way is to threaten him with leaving.
Only then will he understand you're serious . (He won't believe you are at first, so you will have to stick to your guns).

There's no way of bringing it up without him turning it into a confrontation & blaming you because he doesn't want to change, and that is part of the problem.

You have to be firm & repeat every single time he tries to turn it around on you that this is his problem & if he doesn't fix, it it's over.

You cannot change him, only how you respond to him/his behaviour.

Don't 'bottle things up', but equally don't tidy up for him.
Make plans for your birthday.
Clean your plates/cups, not his.
Don't tidy the kitchen for him.
Etc - you get the idea

I'd truly try working to rule.

If he changes his behaviour - great.
If he doesn't (which I fear is more likely) you have to decide what you can live with more easily: living with him as things are, or living without him.

Your call.

You can't effect change without some kind of confrontation. Best to be assertive rather than aggressive, of course, but passively dropping hints or whatever is not going to make the slightest difference to a lazy man that's not listening.

How awful.

Can you tell us what is great about him, so we understand why you are with him at all?

It doesn't sound like much of a life tbh

Definitely talk to him and as cogito days don't treat him like a messy teenager.

Why are you cleaning up after him? You just have to nag and nag until he understands that there are two of you in the relationship and respect works both ways.

My Dp used to have these tendencies and if I didn't ask him to wash up/ put a wash on/bath ds/generally support me in the home he would happily let me do it all and play Xbox all day. I hated being a nag when we started living together but now its paid off, he pulls his weight equally and only needs a gentle nudge sometimes.

he needs a final warning. Constant nagging or comments from you will make no difference at all. But a very clear statement that either he changes (be specific about what those changes need to be) or you will leave/move into the spare room/go on strike/whatever - might be the push he needs.

Chances are he doesn't realise that what he does is not enough. I bet he feels very proud of himself holding down a job and taking the kids to school - whoop de do - these are basics. he also needs to learn proper respect of the house and of you.

With some people it needs to be spelt out in very clear language.

Oh and you need to follow through on your threats.

Sounds to me like his mother did EVERYTHING for him and he was never expected to lift a finger. Did he move in with you straight from home? I'd bet my right arm his Dad was exactly the same when he was growing up. Don't let your son grow up to be the same, this is 2013, not 1960.

You mention "my DS" and "my DD" - is he their step dad or biological father? I'd write him off and be more concerned about the messages you're sending to your children, especially your DS. Imagine what he's going to be like as a teenager if he sees that men in the house get to lounge in bed until 3pm.

I don't think he'll change at all until you are prepared to leave him.

Your best chance is that he thinks there's a real possibility that you will dump him.

Why do you clear up after him - tell him to get off his lazy arse and pick up after himself. I don't understand how this is a problem really.

You're right really nanny0g! He does pay all the bills, we have a lovely (yet very remote) house and he pay for dd's childcare so I can have a few hours to myself in the week and for activites. I don't think I could cope financially if he left

Well, there you go then. His job (as he sees it) is to give you a roof over your head and a bit of housekeeping and your job (domestically) is everything else.

Is that what you want?

I would stop doing his washing, tidying his side of the bed, making him food, buying him things he wants or needs with the shopping, making him tea, ironing his clothes or anything else you do for him.

Once he notices, which shouldn't take long, i would tell him why and then give him his final warning. The consequences being that if he doesn't do his share (you'll probably need to spell out exactly what that is) then you are over. Make it clear that his making an effort for a couple of weeks or however long and then going back to his old ways is not good enough. Its permanent change you are after and any less will result in a permanent split.

I would also point out that you are not his mum and he is not a teenage boy who gets to lay in bed being a dirty lazy slob all day.

It's a fundamental lack of respect. He doesn't see that your time is as important as his. So he leaves his plates on the floor, makes a mess because he knows that muggins will tidy up after him. Because that's what you are there for and, to put it in crude terms, why keep a dog and bark yourself?

And what kind of man stays in bed until 2 at every opportunity? Even on your birthday. He is a complete waste of space.

I know that the financial aspect must be scary, but seriously do you want a life like this? Can you see yourself in 20 years still seeing the afternoon drift away whilst he is still in bed upstairs. Any regard you have for him with surely fade after years of this treatment.

I wouldn't bother with a reward chart. This is supposed to be a relationship, why should you have to mother him. That's one way to lessen your respect for each other even more I would say.

Send him back to his mothers. She can make him cups of tea in bed until the cows come home.

It doesn't need to be permanent, if you can work it out. But I think you need t shock him into understanding just how awful his laziness is making you feel.

It's also concerning that he nags and berates your son for not tidying up.

What does he want, a house of servants?

Yeah i thought that as well about moaning your son is lazy. Weird.

He's the man of the house innit. He should be allowed to lie in bed as much as he wants because he's been working. Everyone else should run around after him, clearing up after him, providing him with food and clean clothes. Because he is soooo important.

Come on daphne are you really going to put up with this shit just because he has a job. He's no different to millions of other blokes and they aren't all like this.

Agree with scary Im married to the man she describes. TBH mine is not going to change. We are both oldies and I know my choice is to LTB or live with it. At the moment I do the latter. Your situation doesn't appear to have deteriorated to that point yet. I think this because I no longer get my birthday even recognised by him , no card, no present, no nothing. He does not do anything related to housekeeping not even cooking. Will sit around if I am late home and ask whats for dinner when I walk in even if its 9 or 10pm. I suggest you confront him, talk it out, do something to scare him. You really need to tackle this before its too late.

4 options as if see it.

1 LTB
2 live with it
3 confront him
4 stop doing it.... Stop picking up his plates, clearing up after him etc. Do what's reasonable and leave the rest.

There's nothing wrong with having a lie in now and again, BOTH of you... But, he's taking the piss because there's no consequences.

Bottling it up just affects you, no consequences for him

sit with him and draw up a rota, type it up and put it on the wall.

this is then clear, it is like a contract of expectations

i.e. if I cook - you will rinse and stack dishwasher and visa versa
You must empty all the household waste bins and recycling daily and take out the dustbins weekly

I will clean the cooker weekly

you will clean the shower weekly

etc