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Original poster

Have you ever gone off a friend and just got tired of it all?

29 replies

Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 12:13

I feel guilty about this but a really close friend has had a Burton-Taylor marriage for 25 years. Off/on and everything in between with drama all the way, years of counselling all to no avail it would seem.
I've been supportive, we've fallen out over my opinion v her opinion on what to do with it all etc, made up and all seemed fine. Then they've reached the point yet again where she's wondering what to do with him...
She has nothing else going on in her life- no work or children- so is very introspective. We don't live near enough to meet up and do fun stuff that often so when we do meet or chat then it's invariably updating on her marriage. I've got the the point now where I feel impatient with her the minute she starts talking and wonder if anyone else had found this and how you kept the friendship going?

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 28/10/2013 12:56

Relationships are complicated. She loves him, but they don't work well together so she's forever torn. A friend listens but doesn't give an opinion. She doesn't want an opinion, she wants to vent. She doesn't want to fight with you, her fight is with him, but she needs an outlet.

Being a friend's outlet is exhausting, and mentally draining. Tell her how you feel. How you can't take the constant stress of it any more. How you want to just be a friend and step away from her relationship troubles. If she values you she'll make the effort.

Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 13:09

You are right it's exhausting. More to the point I have to keep quiet because for some of the time I'd say her behaviour towards him creates the mess they are in. It's like being in a scene from Eastenders a lot of the time. I just want her to sort her life out and be happy OR accept that this is par for the course with them and not treat every row as an excuse to start divorcing him.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 28/10/2013 14:31

oh yes!!!

OP you need a break from her, might need to be "busy" and skint for a few weeks and see if you miss her enough to broach it gently

Its very hard, I dont even discuss my OH with friends any more for this reason!

Twinklestein · 28/10/2013 15:43

Hell yeah.

Mine isn't married, she's had dramatic relationships for 20 years, none of which have ended in the marriage & children that she's after (mainly because she chases money & status), all of which require endless dissection, and I just got to the point that I couldn't be bothered with it any more.

I always thought that she would eventually settle down & everything would be calm, she could be doing this for the rest of her life.

There is no rule says that you have to talk about your friend's marriage when you meet up. You could say that you don't want to be involved in discussion of her marriage any more.

Personally I would tell her to get a job, I think that would make a big difference.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 15:47

Attention-seeking behaviour is draining. Let me guess... she never asks about any of the crises in your life, just likes hashing up the problems in her own? You're not a friend, you're the audience.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2013 15:50

Yes. Got sick of her moaning and flakiness. I have very little patience for it these days.

Start cutting her a wide berth.

InsultingBadger · 28/10/2013 15:51

I had a couple of friends who argued every time I saw them but are still together. I chose to cut ties as it was damaging to my health.

Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 15:53

She's issued 2 divorce petitions in the last 10 years and withdrawn them both- though the last one issued 18 months back is 'on ice' in case he doesn't shape up. Meanwhile they have had counselling together for over a year, and separately, and she STILL can't be sure they will stay together or split.

Each time they have a massive row ( maybe once a month or so) the marriage is all off and I do my best to say the right things and not say the wrong things ( and quite often I think she is at fault which makes it very hard- she's very fiery). Then a week later it's all patched up again...blah blah blah.

I've even wondered if in a perverse way she enjoys the drama and the whole thing gives her a reason to live, rather than work, or kids. I wonder if she could cope with a mundane relationship and she gets some sort of kick from all the histrionics.
Sorry- sound a right bitch and I am very fond of her- just want her to get sorted. It's not as if this is new- it's been years of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 15:57

Sorry- missed those posts when typing the last one.

No- she does ask about me to give her her dues. And she does sometimes say she won't talk about her marriage - same old, same old - but it's hard not to have an update at least. It's almost worse when she does that because after asking about me, she'll say 'I'm not going to talk about us now (DH) ' which is the sign that they have had a massive row and are on the verge of splitting up. So although she's not telling me the detail, not wanting to talk about it AT ALL iis telling me things are bad iyswim!!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 15:58

Of course she enjoys the drama. She's a boring woman that has nothing else going on in her life so this attention-seeking is probably a habit if not a hobby A crisp tenner says they end up celebrating golden anniversaries etc.

Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 16:01

She'd be livid if she heard you CES!

She's always very busy though 90% of it is what I'd call 'pleasure'.
She does some voluntary work once a week and has lots of friends on the doorstep, (I'm an hour away) but she has become a bit of a lady who lunches..and manicures... and has massages.....

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 16:05

Like I said... a boring woman. :) My view with this kind of friend is that you have to take them on face value, not get too emotionally involved, not offer fixes, or put yourself out, but perfect the art of saying 'Oh how awful' as sincerely as you can manage and crack out the metaphorical popcorn .... or leave them to their personal pantomime.

Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 16:12

It's hard CES- we go back decades and before the lunching etc took over she was quite 'normal'- but is now surrounded by a tribe of women who spend their time amusing themselves.

OP posts:
EyeOfNewtBigtoesOfFrog · 28/10/2013 16:20

Yes. I have a friend who to my gradual emerging horror I have realised is turning out to be the sort of mum my mum was, and that's really not a good thing. And because I'm sensitive about my upbringing, it's probably harder for me to accept her ways than it would be for someone else.

I don't know how to get out of it because it's hardly the sort of thing you can explain, but I am now finding myself flinching or wanting to take her to task whenever she says anything. I don't know what to do because we are family friends/distant relatives and everyone else gets on, so I can't just back off.

OTOH I do have another friend who is always having relationship disasters – man after man after useless man down the years. I think she should get rid much sooner than she does and she is a classic example of "too nice". Yet I really like her company and I never resent her wanting to meet up to bemoan the latest dumpee. I would love her to find the one, but also somehow with her I accept it's how she is.

Lizzabadger · 28/10/2013 16:29

Phase her out.

sisterofmercy · 28/10/2013 17:17

I am far too anti-social to imagine being able to do this myself but the most positive way out might be for you to make lots of new friends/commitments and suddenly be too busy to do other than keep in touch. She sounds a bit boringly self absorbed really but you're clearly fond of her and wouldn't want to bin the relationship completely.

Those sort of underemployed (whether job and/or kids) ladies used to be local charity stalwarts in the past, it's a shame that tradition of performing charitable duties in order to look respectable has died off a bit.

Murdermysteryreader · 28/10/2013 17:26

I always think after seeing a friend- how do I feel? Do I feel uplifted and happy or drained and talked at. Yes good friends need to listen to each other and be there for the ups and downs, however I think some people do enjoy drama and like talking at you. I had a vampire friend (drains you dry) I tried so many times to change topics, she never really asked me about myself and she was really self centred. It came to a head when something terrible happened in my life and she wasn't seen or dust until a few months later when she wanted to talk about her issues again nd ignore the life changing events in my life. That was a final straw for me. I have cut her off - I will see her in groups but make no effort to see her one to one. We have a finite amount of time on earth and I have enjoyed spending it with more uplifting friends. I wish I had dumped her years ago.

anonacfr · 28/10/2013 17:34

Funny you should say that I was in exactly the same position. Things came to a head also after a terrible event that happened one weekend.
She called the next day (after I'd had my wisdom teeth removed on top of everything and was bleeding and could barely talk) and all she could do was moan that she hadn't been invited for the weekend!

I stopped returning her calls after that.

Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 17:52

It's become increasingly hard because I think she suspects I have withdrawn a bit. I've started leaving much longer gaps between phone calls- we used to chat at least once week and often 2-3 times if things were 'bad' for either of us for any reason. Now I am leaving it for 2 weeks.

Now, when I have detached a bit, she'll call me to ask if everything is all right and have we been away. I usually say I've been very busy which is partly true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 17:55

I think what makes me feel so bad is that my behaviour makes it look as if I am being a poor friend- not making any effort etc- and she won't be looking to her own behaviour as a reason why I have withdrawn a bit.

OP posts:
EyeOfNewtBigtoesOfFrog · 28/10/2013 18:02

Exactly Loopy, this is why it's so hard and why people put up with difficult friends I suppose. In many cases the type of person you want to distance yourself from may well be the type of person who won't see that it could be anything to do with them, and won't take kindly to you being less interested.

As someone previously said, "phase out" is probably the best approach.

HauntedFlyingNaanBread · 28/10/2013 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weneedtotalkaboutkettles · 28/10/2013 18:19

Yes, mine just drones on about her ex. We met at university (where she also met her ex) and all she talks about are hilarious things I apparently did or said aged 19, and how badly her ex treated her. I'm 34 now and I'm bored of the problems with the ex.

No more!

cloudskitchen · 28/10/2013 19:22

Next time you meet up suggest cinema or very noisy wine bar where you can't actually hear what she's saying Grin

cuttingpicassostoenails · 28/10/2013 19:25

I was my younger sister's wailing wall for more than thirty years. When my life took an abrupt turn for the worse she could not have been less supportive, she has now dumped me and gone from wanting to talk to me (phone) every day to wanting no contact except for an occasional text.

Once I got over the hurt the feeling of relief was IMMENSE.