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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I should dump him, shouldn't I?

47 replies

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 11:36

I'm a single mum (with 3kids) and about 2 months ago a meet a guy (in a bar - cliche).
Anyway we have been on a 6-7 dates. On paper he is a really nice guy, he's handsome, has a good job, nice house, is close to his family, is always nice (ie opens doors, picks me up, pays for dinner etc).

But , i don't know how to explain it, i just feel he's not any more nice to me than he is to anyone else. For example, when we go out one of the first things he always says is that I look nice/great/lovely. But i just can't help thinking he says the same to his gran if he had to pick her up to take her shopping (ie, 'hi gran, you look nice today, i like your scarf').

Also, not that I really want to meet his family but last weekend I didn't see him as his mum was having a party on the Saturday night (which is really the only night the kids dad takes them) and he never asked me to come along.

I think I'm not really looking for a new lifelong partner but just feel he's not that enthusiastic about me.

He's just not that I'm me, right? Time to move on?

OP posts:

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 28/10/2013 11:43

You have only had 6-7 dates, maybe you are expecting too much too soon. Saying that I think you should have a feel for whether the realtionship is going somewhere and if you don't get that feeling maybe you should call it a day.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/10/2013 11:52

If you wrote and said he was really romantic and always piling on compliments and lavishing gifts on you, along with introducing you to all his family, friends and colleagues very fast, there'd be an uneasy feeling he was trying to buy your affections and sweep you off your feet.

I guess if the pace seems deadly slow and you are looking for more then he might not be the one you're after.

cupcake78 · 28/10/2013 11:56

At least he's not a creep! It sounds far healthier this way than him gushing all over you after such a short time!

bluebirdwsm · 28/10/2013 11:57

I also feel you are expecting too much, too soon.
He sounds like a nice guy, into his own family and not forcing himself onto yours. Sounds like you've had less than one date per week - not a lot. And not long enough to know him well.
Relax and let it unfold, but if you really can't be that laid back and want things to go faster, then you are probably not suited to each other.

Lweji · 28/10/2013 11:59

He sounds ok to me.

If he was nasty to everyone else and nice to you, it would be a red flag.
If he was already taking you to his mum's party after 6-7 dates, I'd worry too.

If you don't like it, it's fine to dump, but I don't see anything wrong with the attitudes you describe.

Squitten · 28/10/2013 12:13

Nothing sounds strange there TBH. You barely know each other so I can understand him not introducing you to his family.

You're entitled to dump him if you feel like it but he sounds normal to me!

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 12:16

I guess the irony is that I'm not wanting him to meet my family (haven't even mentioned him) and I certainly don't want him to meet my kids.

At risk of sounding like a teenager I'd like to feel special. Although technically I've not dated anyone since I was a teenager (was with ex for 17 years) so maybe I just don't know what to expect!

OP posts:

Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 12:17

Depends if you feel the compliments are sincere or if he just spouts them out trying to say the right thing but without being emotionally attached to you at all.

You might be expecting too much too soon but on the other hand go by your gut feeling.

Is this exclusive or could he be seeing other women as well?

brokenhearted55a · 28/10/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2013 12:19

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with him, but if you're not enjoying the relationship then it's fine to dump. BTW have you shagged him yet?

brokenhearted55a · 28/10/2013 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 28/10/2013 12:22

6 dates are ok to decide to dump someone or not to see a future on it. Even one date is ok.

Just that I wouldn't expect to be invited (or to invite) to special family events (such as mum's birthday).

It is ok not to like him and to dump him.

But I'd also warn against being swept off our feet.

You can have a conversation with him about how you both see it going, if you like him enough.

Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 12:23

broken- maybe you are being a bit unfair?
After 6 dates he ought to know you quite well. Although you think he didn't know the real you, then maybe he knew enough to know you weren't for him.
He was perhaps unsure from date 1, but thought he'd give it a bit longer to see if he felt differently- and didn't.

Hard, I know- but don't be hard on him or yourself.

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 12:27

I definitely don't think he is seeing anyone else and doesn't do online dating (I asked).

We have been sleeping together and he is very enthusiastic,eager to please and considerate. I just feel that emotionally he is quite distant. If I'm honest I like him but don't want to tell him that as I'm really not sure he feels the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 12:29

I think on our first few dates (which is the first dates I've had since exH) I probably came across slightly as not wanting a relationship but just after some fun. I think it might be me that is moving the goalposts.

OP posts:

brokenhearted55a · 28/10/2013 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 28/10/2013 12:39

Yes, it could have been all him.
But he made a decision and 6-7 dates may have been enough for him. Maybe not fair on you, maybe he was just stringing you along, but he's entitled to break it off. It's not like he had proposed and even so he was still entitled to change his mind.

Dahlen · 28/10/2013 12:46

How good are your instincts?

Absolutely nothing in your posts is ringing alarm bells for me. He sounds ideal. At 6 or 7 dates you barely know each other so wouldn't expect anything major. You say yourself you don't want to introduce him to your family/DC so if he's not introducing you to his, there's no mismatch of pace going on.

Which leaves two explanations AFAICS: 1.) You are beginning to like him A LOT and are worried you may make a fool of yourself/get hurt so you're desperately trying to discover how he feels before committing your emotions any more. 2.) You sense that he isn't capable of giving more and recognise that this 'emotional distance' could be a predictor of how you're going to feel all the time should you have a serious relationship with him.

Either could be right, but only time will tell. If you know yourself well, can admit your weaknesses and vulnerabilities but still trust your instincts, go with what your gut is feeling on it.

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 13:17

Dahlen I suspect a mixture of the two. hes 37, never married, no kids and hasn't mentioned any long term relationships to me. He is quiet, reserved and reliable. If his family (or someone he cared about) asked a favour (in terms of DIY, lifts, babysitting etc) he would do it even if it was a total PITA for him. It just seems he is quite distant emotionally, and if I'm honest if think that is the person he is and I would either have to accept that or not.

OP posts:

ChilledGhost · 28/10/2013 13:49

Maybe before he's been far too keen too early and scared people off so he's being careful?

TrueBoo · 28/10/2013 13:53

Perhaps you're just not that into him and looking for an excuse? There's nothing in your OP that sounds bad at all. So far, he sounds perfectly acceptable.

But of he's not for you, be honest with yourself.

Lweji · 28/10/2013 13:56

If his family (or someone he cared about) asked a favour (in terms of DIY, lifts, babysitting etc) he would do it even if it was a total PITA for him.

How do you know this?

If he has talked about it, then maybe he's one of those who does things but resents it. This could be a yellow flag.

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 14:11

Lweji, for example he offered/agreed to take his mum to visit a relative 20 odd miles away, dropped her off, drove home then drove back to get her a few hours later and took her home as otherwise (his words) she'd have had a to get bus.
He is a joiner so says family are always asking him to do ' jobs'.

Don't know if he resents them for asking, but he wouldn't say no, now matter how inconvenient.

OP posts:

Lweji · 28/10/2013 14:14

Surely, he must have commented on how he felt about it?

If not, if you want to know who he is, ask about it.

scarevola · 28/10/2013 14:18

Well, what you've said about him is consistent with being a nice guy.

But it doesn't matter how nice he is if you don't feel a 'spark'

I think you're looking at this the wrong way round. It's not really a case of guessing about what he wants; it's assessing what you want, and whether you think he's going provide it. And your ambivalence suggests not. That's what the early stages of dating is about - working out if the other person fits whatyou want. And it's OK to decide they don't, even if they are nice in many ways.

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