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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I should dump him, shouldn't I?

47 replies

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 11:36

I'm a single mum (with 3kids) and about 2 months ago a meet a guy (in a bar - cliche).
Anyway we have been on a 6-7 dates. On paper he is a really nice guy, he's handsome, has a good job, nice house, is close to his family, is always nice (ie opens doors, picks me up, pays for dinner etc).

But , i don't know how to explain it, i just feel he's not any more nice to me than he is to anyone else. For example, when we go out one of the first things he always says is that I look nice/great/lovely. But i just can't help thinking he says the same to his gran if he had to pick her up to take her shopping (ie, 'hi gran, you look nice today, i like your scarf').

Also, not that I really want to meet his family but last weekend I didn't see him as his mum was having a party on the Saturday night (which is really the only night the kids dad takes them) and he never asked me to come along.

I think I'm not really looking for a new lifelong partner but just feel he's not that enthusiastic about me.

He's just not that I'm me, right? Time to move on?

OP posts:

glammanana · 28/10/2013 14:51

He certainly sounds OK to me but if you don't feel as scarevola says that spark you are on a loser.
I wouldn't expect either of my boys to bring a girl they had only known a short while to my birthday party,not because I am uninterested in them but because it is a family affair and until you are thinking of introducing him to your children I think keeping other members of the family out of the relationship a good thing for the time being,plenty of time for intro's,he sounds caring and interested in his family offering to drive his mum at least he is making sure she arrives where she wants to go safely and in comfort.I would give this relationship a lot longer and think you may find you could be mistaken as to how you feel now.

Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 16:14

I wonder if you are more attracted to bad guys? It's a definite phenomena! 'Why do women love the bad guys...'?

He sounds so sweet yet you feel something is missing- do you want an Alpha male rather than this nice Beta guy I wonder?

Chubfuddler · 28/10/2013 16:17

Can you chuck him my way? I could do with a very non committal exclusive relationship that's not going anywhere with an attractive man.

Ta.

Lweji · 28/10/2013 16:19

Me too, actually.
Once a month and no family involvement sounds great. :)

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 28/10/2013 16:24

If you want to feel special, maybe that needs to come from yourself instead of expecting to get that feeling from a man you've just been on a few dates with.

I think it can be false if it comes too early from a man. Have other boyfriends been like that early on and has it ended well?

It took my dh months and months to open up like that to me, he was very guarded and i realised a long time later that his whole family is like that. As time went on he became very affectionate but wasn't at all for a long time.

NotScared · 28/10/2013 16:33

Dp would do the driving thing for him mum. Also does odd jobs for her and his step mum. He's perfect

Maybe have a little chat with him see how he really feels about you? If you're having doubts though he's maybe not the one?

Lizzabadger · 28/10/2013 16:34

You don't need our permission to dump him if it's not working for you!

TerrorTremor · 28/10/2013 16:43

He sounds nice to me.

But if you don't feel like you fit each other, there is no point just playing checkmate.

I think only you can decide what you feel is right for you.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/10/2013 16:59

You still haven't said anything that suggests he's other than a nice man. But that doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship with him if you don't want to. It's perfectly all right to remain single.

However, it is also worth taking a look at yourself: are you someone who likes to be admired and flattered and given lots of gifts, and sent soppy texts and bunches of flowers? Do you like 'drama' in a relationship? I'm asking because you talk of wanting to feel 'special'.

CuChullain · 28/10/2013 17:01

In fairness you have not been dating him for long and it is a bit much to expect him to introduce you to his whole family as that is a bit of statement. He is probably still sussing you out as you are him, he sounds like a nice chap why dont you just relax and enjoy dating someone who is not a twat.

Original poster

spookySwitched · 28/10/2013 17:20

Bloody hell, now I don't know !

Thinking logically, I have young children, work full time, study part time and have meet a lovely, dependable quite fit guy who is quite happy to see me once a week, take me out for dinner, shag me and then make me breakfast.

And yet I'm still fucking complaining!

I think I'm used to the high dramas my ExH would invent. And the fact he would not do anything for anyone if he himself wasn't going to directly benefit.

OP posts:

Chubfuddler · 28/10/2013 17:28

I think solid has the crux of it. You're used to drama so you interpret normal as lack of interest.

Lizzabadger · 28/10/2013 17:30

I agree.

ALittleStranger · 28/10/2013 17:37

It seems that you have slightly unreasonable expectations, possibly because you're hooked on drama. I think it's probably also difficult to remember what dating and a new relationship is like. It's completely OK he didn't invite you to meet his mum. You wouldn't be meeting my mum after 6-7 dates and why would you want to get involved in his family so soon?

You have decided that he compliments you in the same way he would your gran, but I can't see why. Unless you feel that there isn't a sexual connection between you? Nothing you've written here suggests he isn't into you, and as you say it's possible you have unrealistic demands of someone. Which suggests that a) the issue is with you, b something else you're not telling us (again, I wonder if you're trying to force a spark, or have there been other red flags?) or c) actually you're just not into him?

You're allowed to not be that into him and want to end it. Six dates is plenty enough time for that. So is six minutes. (What six dates isn't enough for is to claim you know someone, but it's far easier to screen someone out than in).

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 28/10/2013 17:46

Ok so you are comparing him to your ex who was a drama making selfish guy.

You should probably just take things slowly until you can appreciate this guy for who he is.

He sounds so much nicer to be around than you ex yet you are viewing him negatively for these differences. Perhaps now you realise why, it will help.

Loopyloulu · 28/10/2013 17:57

I think I mentioned the 'bad guy' scenario several posts back .
Bad guy= drama.
Nice guy= mundane some of the time.

Which do you want OP?

Lweji · 28/10/2013 19:55

Besides, I very much doubt he would compliment his grandmother, particularly about her scarf, unless he was gay or something.

JoinYourPlayfuckers · 29/10/2013 01:35

"Thinking logically, I have young children, work full time, study part time and have meet a lovely, dependable quite fit guy who is quite happy to see me once a week, take me out for dinner, shag me and then make me breakfast.

And yet I'm still fucking complaining! "

Yes, I think that's the crux of it.

It's only been a few weeks.

Just enjoy it for now and should it turn out that you and he aren't a good fit, then you can end it.

whatdoesittake48 · 29/10/2013 10:16

Geez, just relax and go with the flow. he is nice, you like him, he isn't presenting you with any dramas, you are having a great time. just let it develop at its own pace.

Maybe in a few weeks, you can broach the subject of what your future is.

Tulip26 · 29/10/2013 10:23

'You're onto a winner if he treats his Mum well.' That's what my Gran always said and I stick by it!

Lazyjaney · 29/10/2013 10:26

Hard to tell if you prefer Bad Boys or he is Nice But Dull, or its early days, I'd leave it to develop a bit longer unless he really isn't ringing your bells at all.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2013 10:36

It may not be that this guy is not that into you, he may just be like this in all his relationships.

Before I met my husband I considered a relationship with an old friend who is a truly lovely guy. But he's emotionally distant and always has been, he's like that with everyone: really kind, polite, considerate, friendly, but just a bit detached. I thought I might see a different side of him within a relationship, but he was exactly the same. I knew that wouldn't work for me. He's now married to a woman who is as detached as he is.

Of course the detachment could equally signal he's not a long term prospect, but there's nothing to stop you having fun in the short term.

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