Relationship with Dd17

[JackieOHH]

Hi all, I'm hoping someone might be able to help me with some advice...
My dd is 17, and she is clever, funny, kind, popular and so bloody different from me it's scary.
The issue I have is I don't know how to relate to her anymore, she's not a child, but not an adult, she is quite a 'young' 17, and is very studious, always enjoyed school, and learning, and is at a top college, looking to go to uni.
I'm nothing like this, hated school, left with nothing much worth talking about, and have generally mooched my way through life.
We have just had a weekend away, me, dd, ds11 and oh. Ds11 adores her, yet she just won't give him the time of day, she brushes him off. I don't know what to do with her, as in, we went to a theme park on Saturday, and she just didn't want to be with us, I think that's what I'm struggling with the most,the fact that she doesn't want to spend any time with us at all...she said she felt sick, all weekend, until we decided to come home, then she perked up.

I have to admit, she and I are not really suited, personality wise, and i realised this weekend that we will probably not have another holiday with her now..
I struggle to communicate with her, I miss her, I miss her needing me, and although we have an excellent uni in our town, which apparently is the best one for what she wants to do,she wants to leave home and goto uni elsewhere, so I guess I feel abandoned.

I seem to have a better relationship with ds as he is more like me, and we can enjoy time together, whereas time spent with dd is hard work, I struggle with her...which is hard to admit.
I AM very proud of her, Very proud, and I would never ever hold her back in what she wants to do.
I love her dearly, but struggle with the fact she's 17!! I was very ill when she was 18 months old, and this illness changed my life, leaving me disabled, and I feel I've missed outon a lot of her life due to this.

Please don't read this and think I don't like her much, as I do, but I find her hard work...she is soooooo intelligent yet struggles with common sense and it's exasperating at times.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking for, I just needed to write it down!

I think it's the transition from school girl, child to student and adult I'm really struggling with.

Thanks for reading my epic post!!

I was a bit like your DD when I was younger. I went through phases of not wanting to be with my family at that sort if age. Friends seemed much more important. I couldn't wait to go to a uni miles away! I think you just have to let her go. I am so close to my mum now. Let her know you love her and you're proud of her. This is just the next part of her life, but I think as long as she knows you are there for her she will be closer to you at other times.

I am just coming on to hand hold & say I know how you feel. My oldest DD is 16 and completely different to me - she is her daddy's daughter & no mistake.

I often feel guilty because I share a major hobby with her wee sis and spend loads of time with her - because we have loads in common.

We used to be so close when she was little, I can't pin down when it stopped. I am lucky to get 10 words out of her in a weekend, now.

My DH tells me not to worry, as he was just the same at that age (which I believe) and never spoke to his parents as he had nothing to say.

As you can see, I just don't know. My girl is also clever, hard working & quite geeky (into comicon & the like) whereas I am active & outdoorsy. I suppose I should be glad she works hard & doesn't get into trouble. I just wish we were closer. Snivel.

I will be watching this thread with interest.

I am very different to my mother,
always have been, I started to really notice it around this age. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable, especially as teen girls are more insecure and internalize things more like , am I weird? my mother raised me, why don't we gel more?.
In my early 20's now, I still have a decent relationship with her, I'm just more comfortable in recognizing that we are different and that as an adult the relationship has to angle itself slightly to adapt to me as an adult.

Things adapt, I'm sure you'll be okay. there are much meaner mothers on here you seem nice.

I think this is part of the process of growing up? Teenagers need to grow apart from us - it's hard as you can see them looking at us witheringly - it certainly used to rock my self confidence to be greeted with the teenage 'stare' in response to something that I'd said or asked.
I always understood it that they need to initially reject us in order to become their own person and then, hopefully return to us as adults. Uni is a great opportunity to do that.
Have you considered some 1-1 time with her without siblings - perhaps a bit of retail therapy with lunch out? I relied on that with my daughter to keep our relationship going and to move away from the old mum/daughter dynamics at home re chores, school stresses etc.
Do you actively argue? Does she show disrespect or is it more 'passive aggressive'?

Thanks all...sarine1 I've tried the 1-1 stuff, shopping etc.....we don't have enough in common to enjoy it, she and I have such different tastes in clothes, music, styles, that I don't enjoy it, she doesn't enjoy it & it becomes more stressful than fun.
I've asked her to see a film at the cinema but she's always going to see that one with her friends.
We don't really argue as such, at home I don't see enough of her to argue! She's a good girl, and does help me out,but I guess I thought we would always be close, and we aren't. She is very much like her dad, in so many ways....which isn't a bad thing, as he is bright, and independent, and strong & confident, all the things I'm not!!

She's not disrespectful, I think it's me!! I think I just find her hard work, and I need help to see her for who she is, not who I wanted her to be!

"she wants to leave home and goto uni elsewhere, so I guess I feel abandoned."

My DM felt the same way when I left home at 17 to go to uni. I was also very conscious of being a 'young' 17 and I hated how safe and conventional I was. University was finally my chance to be myself i.e wild with lot of mistakes!!! It actually improved our relationship to have a bit of space and distance between us and I think we respected each other's differences more.

All I'd suggest (which was sadly lacking from D 'You've abandoned me' M) is that you don't try to be her friend but instead be supportive, even if you don't quite understand or agree with what she's trying to do.

I think your DD is doing what DD's do at that age,sometimes younger sometimes older.My DS left for uni eight years ago,I still miss him desperately and I often cry.The upside is, he has a great job a great life,great friends and he calls me every week.
I realised that there were times as he was growing that I had to take a step back and that happened more and more until I accepted that he didn't need me anymore.
I do know though that he loves me.

Just let your DD grow and she will come back to you.

I love my DD (18) but it made me laugh when other parents spoke to me about how mature she was, what beautiful manners, etc etc after a weekend of strops or putdowns. Looking back I'm sure my DM thought the same about me. I am proud of DD and think she is feistier than I ever was and have confidence she'll thrive away from home now.

Life's not a picturebook, how we imagine our relationships with our DCs to be doesn't always pan out. You don't sound clingy, you accept you could be two quite different personalities. Later on as she matures and sees the world through adult eyes she may become closer to you than you think possible at present.

I think this is a natural part of growing up and growing away from your parents - it doesn't mean in a few years time you both won't genuinely enjoy each others company.

I don't have any answers, but I feel for you. My daughter is much younger than this, at 12, but is similarly a different child to me and I can't always relate to her. We do lots of things together, but she's desperate to be like her dad, not like me and that causes friction at times. I can't put myself in her head at all and I don't understand many of the choices she makes.

When she asks for advice from me, she will generally reject it, at least on the surface, but I've learned that she thinks about things and generally comes to a sensible conclusion on her own. She's my only child, much wanted and long waited for, and I'm having to let go of her a little. I long for the closeness we had when she was little and I was her hero, but that's long faded, and rightly so.

I am keen for her to grow up a little more independently, so I'm encouraging her to go away from home if she goes to uni. I want her to live alone, to make mistakes, to be wild, if she can. I have a feeling, however, that she'll be the sensible friend...the one who makes sure the bills get paid on time, who provides the shoulder to cry on and keeps reminding everyone of their deadlines for homework.

I think, as a mum who was close to her child, I always assumed she'd be so much like me or at least be someone I could relate to. I can imagine that one day I'll be pleased about her differences, but I haven't quite got though the mourning stage for the loss of our early relationship yet.

A couple of things struck me from your posts:

She brushes of her brother - There is a 6 year age gap and by the sounds of it he's a different personality type, the brush off is not unusual. Your DD is very much in the process of becoming an adult, she probably doesn't feel she has much in common with her little brother and wants the company of people her own age. She may also be aware that you have an easier relationship with her brother than with her...ouch!

She doesn't want to spend time with you - she's old enough to be just as aware as you are that the two of you spending time together is hard work, that's something which is almost certainly as painful for her as for you.

One other thing, you've mentioned how intelligent she is yet lacking in 'common sense' - what do you mean by this? I had to be taught from being very young to get my nose out of whichever book it was buried in and deal with day to day things, it was something my father taught me by example (how to build time into my days to deal with the necessities, how to break situations down to work out how to manage them, how to stay safe when traveling etc).

I can't thank you all enough for what you've said...I'm sat here in tears!!
She is a truly lovely girl, yet she definately has 2 personalities! At home she's lethargic, stroppy, can't be bothered, yet i took her to a friend of mines so she could babysit, we were 'griping' at each other on the doorstep, nothing major, I just, I suppose, was having a go at her for something stupid like she looked so fed up, anyway, door opens, friend says hello, and 'bang' she transforms into super friendly smiley lovely girl..
She is highly intelligent, scarily so, yet lacks common sense...examples..
Is Essex abroad?
What meat is in baked beans?
They are small examples, there's a new one every day, and sometimes it's like she's sooooo engrossed in a tv programme/ film, nothing else gets noticed.
She could easily burn the house down if left to her own devices. She's lost her new glasses,her phone, several door keys....'sigh' ...
But she is adorable! Just ditzy, and very unlike me....

I had a slightly strained relationsip with my DD from 14-18, she's 23 now and we get on fine, she'll even ask my opinion now! .
She is very different to me, she spent 4 years away at Uni, she's very sociable, confident, gets on well with people, the polar opposite of me in fact, she gets her people skills from DH .
I think it's quite normal especially with 2 strong personalities, I'm quite the control freak and so is she, I think the key is letting her find her own way - being away at Uni will do her the world of good , the change after the first year is astounding.

Ah, now I see what you mean about the lack of common sense - I had to be taught to manage every day life but my father had been the same so made sure he taught me along side other aspects of growing up. I think going to boarding school also helped with these skills - even though I hated the reason I was there - because there were things I had to manage/remember/cope with.

If it gives you any hope, my intelligence level would still be considered scary by many but I am now extremely organized and very practical in day to day life (I haven't misplaced my watch/keys/mobile phone since I went to university 15 years ago and even when I lived alone the necessities of running a house were always taken care of) - I learnt and so will she.

Thank you, it's lovely to hear from other peoples experiences and perspectives...I fear I'm losing her, and I am, yet whenever I promise I'm going to spend some precious time with her, she grates on my last nerve!
What really scares me is she is 17.... Last time I looked she was 14. I actually asked her if she was aging 3 years per birthday as i need time to stop!
Yes, she is sociable and confident, I'm not, not any more...at her age I was shy and uncomfortable, she's not, at all! She's eager to see the world, I would rather have died than traveled, but I do think living away from home will make her learn you need water in a pan to boil vegetables, not just vegetable how to cook and look after herself.

As a previous poster said we have ideals in our minds of how the relationship will be, when they are born, lots of big ideals...I remember the night she was born, I refused to let them take her into the nursery, and I rocked her to sleep, and she slept all night, she was always a good sleeper. I promised her then I'd always be there for her, ( my mum always preferred tv shows to me, never showing any interest in my day) and I always ask her how her day has been.....then she will start telling me, in great detail, about some incident in class ( one of those ' you had to be there scenarios) and I feel my self glazing over!
When she was 18 months old and I was diagnosed with cancer, she was the reason I fought so hard against it, it almost killed me, more than once, and without her I probably wouldn't be here ...I know that sounds dramatic, but it's very true....and I guess I always thought there'd be a special bond,which is there but it's weak...
It's true what they say, they grow up so fast and before you know it they're gone.
I guess I'm in mourning, but I need to pull myself together!!
At least Ds promises to live with me forever

Iam she hears praise from us both very regularly! We always tell her how proud of her we are, honestly, these are thoughts, nothing I'd ever say to her!
As for shopping, I do try to think of her styles and what shed like, for instance we went looking for a long black top...I found several long black tops, she didn't like any of them, and ended up with a short black dress!
I can't win!!

Thanks for the input though, all opinions and thoughts are welcomed.

Op you have much more than the norm tied up in tgere don't you. I have a horrible feeling I'm going to be similar with DS, he saved me, I was so depressed and went even further down when pg and he arrived and I had a reason to get up all hours of the night.

Rather than mourning try and look forward to tge next stage of your relationship. All tge stuff you've mentioned sounds normal btw

She's 17 and trying to be her own person. Let her. She'll come back eventually. This is totally normal.

She'll come right back, maybe after uni, for me it was at about 22 that i really clicked with my mum again. I think it is about this age, give or take a couple of years, kids realise their parents are just people and have feelings and personalities of their own, then you develop an adult relationship with them and its sorted.

I was exactly the same as your daughter and now couldn't imagine life without my mum.

I realised in my mid-late teens that, while I loved my mum, we had absolutely nothing in common. She married and had kids young and "seemed" content in her role as housewife and mother. Being quite academic, I used to get so angry at the fact that she had "wasted her life " and potential on "just" being a mum. I was desperate for more and her attempts to bond us drove me to distraction. With the benefit of my 16 years experience, I knew best; I was going to go to a top Uni, get a great job and be career focused. None of this family nonsense for me.

When I left home (I, like your daughter, could have gone to a Uni closer to home but I needed out from underneath the smothering influence of my parents) I know my mum cried daily for weeks, lamenting the loss of the relationship that once existed when I was younger. Yet, by giving me the freedom that I coveted and allowing me to make my many, many mistakes, she brought me back to her. Who did I call when I failed my first term exam? Mum. Who did I call when I was dumped by my childhood sweetheart (who she loathed)? Mum. She was ALWAYS there to listen and support and never once judged me. Now, at 30 with my first baby on the way, my mum is honestly my best friend. I have so much respect for the woman who raised me and have up her own ambitions in life to make sure that me and my siblings never went without.

Yes, you and your daughter are different and in a day-to-day living environment, those differences are amplified to the nth degree. She will be frustrated at the tiniest of things (she is a teenager, after all, and we know how unfair life is for them!) and will view your attempts to bond as an inconvenience to her.

Support her Uni choice and just be there when she needs you, visit once a month with care parcels and always be on the end of the phone with no judgement. She'll come back when she realised just how lucky she is to have a mum like you.

Having had a lousy relationship with my own mother, I didn't assume I would have some close girly relationship with either my stepdaughter or my daughter. My stepdaughter was probably particularly distant with me when she was 17 and living with us for the final year of her sixth form studies. I have quite a lot in common with my daughter - now 16 but she wants to be with her mates and is revving up to go off to university. (A younger sibling will seem very like a little child at that age I think. Possibly sweet, but not really a companion?)

Maybe the fact that your daughter is a bit daft about the practical things is actually an opportunity. Perhaps you can try and spend time helping her to get more used to cooking, and looking after herself, as a way of supporting her towards independence. It seems likely that when she does eventually leave, she will be more inclined to appreciate your strengths, and the things you do/have done for her.

My dd couldn't wait to go away to uni.She has an August birthday so was only just 18 when she went. She followed uni with a gap year travelling which turned into 16 months.When she returnrd she moved with her friend far away.
Then she got ill [ a bad kidney infection].She was in Birmingham we were in North Yorkshire.Dh drove down and brought her home.To cut a long story short she realised how much we were there for her and always would be.
Now,she is 39, she is amazing as a daughter,wife,mother,friend and she chose to live near us.We are closer than we have ever been.
My mum used to say."If you want to keep them, let them go."

She sounds like a typical 17 year old girl to me.
Eldest DD was very like this,in fact tbh she was bloody awful!
She ruined the last holiday with us that she came on.
Now 7 years on she has own house,job,partner,daughter of her own and whilst she is still a little 'difficult' at times(understatement )
But we can laugh together and she asks our advice and help all the time.