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Original poster

I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to teach them the life lesson that you have to create your own happiness and not passively wait for it to happen.

29 replies

Aussiebean · 28/10/2013 07:09

Said a friend of mine on her decision to end her 10 year marriage.

This was not an easy decision for her but her H had suffered depression and unemployment for a very long time and after years of promises she finally and sadly ended it.

The decision was made because she wanted her children to learn that they are in charge of their happiness and they shouldn't rely on others.

Her H now has a job (took him a week) and has just moved out.

I thought I would share this with all the women on this thread who are agonizing over the choice of whether to leave an unhappy marriage or not.

My friend say her children have astounded her with their maturity and understanding. They are both under 7.

OP posts:
Helpyourself · 28/10/2013 07:15

I can't 'read' your tone, TBH.
I she's saying that she left solely to model behaviour to her under 7 y o and they're taking it well, she's deluded.

Original poster
Aussiebean · 28/10/2013 07:18

They are taking the split well.

OP posts:
ithaka · 28/10/2013 07:24

It is early days, I guess. The break up of your parents' marriage is like a bereavement - it takes time to get over & you go through stages to acceptance.

I hope your friend is allowing her children to grieve the break up of their home, if they wish to, and not insisting they are fine and taking it well.

Original poster
Aussiebean · 28/10/2013 07:33

I guess not being a mother I saw this differently. Having gone through divorcing parents myself at 11 I was relieved they ended it. I saw this as a parent wanting the best for her children by teaching through example.

They are both hands on parents. He was the main care giver for a long time and the split was amicable. There is no anger, just sadness. I believe they will co parent well.

OP posts:
80sMum · 28/10/2013 07:45

I'm not convinced by the life lesson argument to be honest. What about the other life lessons? What have the children learned about commitment, loyalty, perseverance, integrity, steadfastness and duty from this experience?

Bonsoir · 28/10/2013 07:50

I think that divorce can be a good role model for DC but that in the case described in the OP it is far too soon to judge!

juneau · 28/10/2013 07:53

So they've been split up a week and she is crowing that it's job done and the kids are fine Hmm

You're as deluded as she is.

Original poster
Aussiebean · 28/10/2013 07:59

Sorry clairification. I found out a week ago. This actually happened a few months ago.

OP posts:
TiredDog · 28/10/2013 07:59

Well done to your friend and I agree with her viewpoint. Lots of people will tell you she should have stuck it out and divorce is crap etc

I've read the bit about years of promises and 'a difficult decision'. My kids wish we had done is years ago. Sometimes you have to accept a marriage is not making anyone happy. Good luck to all of them

Meglet · 28/10/2013 08:00

She sound a bit daft thinking she can control her happiness Hmm.

Having said that I was glad when my parents split up, no more arguing and double xmas presents. Dad stayed in the same town and we had the keys to his house, all very civilised.

StarlightMcKenzie · 28/10/2013 08:01

My Parents split when I was 13 with my siblings, 12, 10 and 9.

It was fine. Hardly registered on my radar when it actually happened, despite my father moving 300 miles away.

We had rules. Rule 1 was we could live with who we wanted when we wanted. Rule 2 we could call the other parent whenever we wanted.
Rule 3 every other weekend one parent would come and stay with the other and bring whichever kids were currently with them.

Handywoman · 28/10/2013 08:02

You sound very relieved for your friend and her kids. Understandable. Especially as it also sounds like you are not close geographically.

Handywoman · 28/10/2013 08:05

"She sound a bit daft thinking she can control her happiness"

Hmm really???

This OP seems to be attracting some rather bristly replies!?!

rubyrubyruby · 28/10/2013 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keepithidden · 28/10/2013 08:09

What have the children learned about commitment, loyalty, perseverance, integrity, steadfastness and duty from this experience?

Maybe that expressing these qualities for too long leads to unhappiness, resentment and ultimately a toxic family life/environment?

But of course we don't know the full story.

DottyboutDots · 28/10/2013 08:27

I'm so surprised by the answers on this thread! I thought we were encouraged to have a live worth living and model god divorces instead of bad marriages?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 08:30

Your friend has been very courageous to break free of what sounds like a bad marriage. Too many women seem to think they have to put up with misery or abusive behaviour from a partner - especially when the word 'depression' is in the mix - and feel guilty that wanting better is somehow selfish or heartless. It's often only when they see the damage being done to their DCs (either physically or emotionally) that they finally get the motivation to end it. Not for themselves, but for their kids.

I'm glad it's going well so far. Good luck to her and anyone reaching the same conclusion.

Handywoman · 28/10/2013 09:46

I'm with Dotty - so surprised at the responses here!! Good luck to your friend, OP

foragoodfriend · 28/10/2013 10:01

Why the negativity here? I interpreted it as a woman who has finally decided enough's enough and has taken action. She's not going to put up with a substandard life for herself or her children (and we don't know enough of what kind of s**t she's been through). I thought she was just saying that ultimately she's shown her kids that you can make things change yourself - that power is in your hands.

I don't know whether there is a certain negativity because people imagine that she has been unsupportive of someone suffering from depression or that his unemployment has meant her standard of living wasn't up to her expectations? Perhaps people are reading that sort of thing into it??

Hopefully your friend is in a better place now along with her children.

something2say · 28/10/2013 10:07

Hmmmm and the man found a Jon within a week..

Worth a comment.....her doing nothing enabled him to carry on doing nothing.......

I do like a proactive person tho.....I think it at least gives us a shot at happiness.....

DevilsRoulette · 28/10/2013 10:17

If you're going through a shitty time then it can feel good to find something about it that you can fixate on and call positive. You can either collapse in sobs or you can spin it for yourself into something that keeps you going.

Maybe that's what she's doing. It is upsetting to leave a marriage, even if it's the right thing to do. You worry about the kids, even if it's in their best interests for the parents to not be together. If you can tell yourself that good will come of it for them, and that helps you through, is that such a bad thing? Or does a woman leaving a bad marriage have to be weeping, wailing and rending their clothing? Why can't she find something to feel positive about? Find some way that she can say to herself that the children will be ok.

It's not like she didn't try. If she listened to years of promises, then for how long is she supposed to carry on listening? How unhappy do you have to be before you are allowed to leave?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 10:21

"What have the children learned about commitment, loyalty, perseverance, integrity, steadfastness and duty from this experience?"

They've learned - I'd have thought - that those are fine qualities but they have to be reciprocated to be of any value. If not reciprocated, they are demeaning.

Original poster
Aussiebean · 28/10/2013 10:24

I'm sorry that this was not as inspiring to others as it was to me. I am a little wary about telling other people's stories as it is not my story to tell so didn't want to go into too much depth but didn't want to drip feed.

3 months after they got married he had a massive health scare. Luckily it turned out well and his company bent over backwards to support him through recovery. But he decided to quit anyway.

They agreed he would look after the children for a couple of years and then go back to work at an agreed time. That was to be 2 years ago and nothing. The depression was her diagnosis. Not something he was being treated for.

But now he has gotten a job, she has been able to buy him out of the house so he has enough to put a deposit down close by and now they are both finding happiness.

I find that inspiring.

OP posts:
payhisdebt · 28/10/2013 10:44

op I am in a very similar position to your friend , I get it totally x

Scarymuff · 28/10/2013 10:59

I agree with you OP. We are definitely in charge of our own happiness. Why stay in a miserable relationship when you can be happier away from it. And, yes, it is a good message to give to children.

If you are unhappy in the situation you are in, change it.

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