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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

alone but in a relationship

34 replies

onemoredayplease · 27/10/2013 22:36

how did I get to this? live with my partner and my dd. have done for 6 years but still feel like a single parent. I have tried to give it time and don't expect him to replace her dad but I would like a little support. they still don't particularly get on- he feels she is spoilt, whilst she thinks he doesn't like her. if I ask him about this he then doesn't speak to me for days. as it is we no longer sleep together as he says I keep him awake. I'm lonely but in a relationship. pretty sad and I must admit im thinking of leaving. I can support us but worry that I'm looking for something which just isn't out there.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/10/2013 22:45

Of course there's something better out there. You don't even need a partner. You can create a happy, harmonious, loving home for yourself and your DD. Sounds like you had it before DP came on the scene. What's the point of having someone in your life that makes it worse?

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/10/2013 22:53

I left dd dad when she was tiny so we spent several years on our own and we were fine. I don't mind living alone. im just trying to work out what im doing, as daft as that sounds. when he is lovely I can't imagine myself anywhere else but at the moment I don't know wht I'm here. I don't particularly gain from the relationship. I don't feel I can rely upon him as I should be able to.

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Original poster
onemoredayplease · 27/10/2013 22:57

that shouls say why am I here.
give me an honest answer- I am at work for 5 hours on thursday he is off. should I be able to leave dd with him? previously when I have asked he has said no so this time I have booked playscheme. she knows he and his ds are at home but she can't stay with them which adds to her belief that he doesn't like or want her.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 09:00

Of course you should be able to do that. He's a partner of 6 years standing, not some casual boyfriend, and he's not treating the set-up as 'a family' but 'my kid' and 'your kid'. All children can be challenging and maybe she is the biggest spoilt brat on the planet.... I don't know. But as the grown-up in the relationship (and he is her de facto parent) the onus is on him to make the bigger effort, not give you the silent treatment and refuse to engage. Think how it looks from her angle... she's being sent away from her own home while DP and DS get to stay in it. She must feel thoroughly rejected.

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2013 09:05

Of course you should be able to leave her with him, you have been together 6 years and live together!

You cannot stay in this relationship, for the sake of your DD. It's not fair to make her grow up in a household where she is not treated as a full and whole member of the family. What kind of life is that for her? Having to live with a man who does not treat her as family?

You will be much better off on your own, and your DD will thank you for it.

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2013 09:06

There is no point in having him in your life, especially with the negative impact he is having on your DD.

PinkBerryGuy · 28/10/2013 09:08

Thats ridiculous and a horrible situation to be in.

I currently live with my GF and her 2 sons and our DD. She can leave them with me whenever she likes, i drive them wherever they need to go etc. I can't say me and her 2 DS are "close" because they have a father and don't need a replacement etc.

If i were you, put yourself to one side for a second, what would be best for your DD? can she feel the tension, the atmosphere? is living with him making her unhappy? would she be better off without him around? if the answer to those is yes then it maybe time to think about moving on or laying it out in front of your partner and tell him what needs to happen or you're leaving.

obviously that is just my opinion : )
good luvk though

EricLovesAnyFucker · 28/10/2013 09:11

How do you think your DD feels knowing he doesn't like or want her?

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 10:40

sometimes he does include her in activities. she does say that she would like him as a dad ( this may be because her own dad is so awful- he told her he wanted nothing more to do with her last year Sad ). it does feel like two seperate families but I've never been in this situation before so have just hung on hoping thats its a settling in period for step families. I don't know whats normal.

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Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 10:41

pinkberry he does occasionally have her if I'm out on a works night. but thats about it and it never feels comfortable asking.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 10:49

I feel so sorry for your DD. Rejected by her natural father, ostracised by this man and siding with your partner. If she displays any attention-seeking behaviour that would be pretty predictable. I also feel sorry for you. What else don't you feel comfortable asking in this relationship?

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 11:02

dd knows I absolutely adore her and we continue to do lots together, after my initial attempts to include everyone I gave up and have reverted back to how we were. he says I treat her as a partner as a result. maybe I do. if I ask if he wants to go out he will say no so we carry on.

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Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 11:07

its not so much what I don't feel confident asking its more knowing that if I try to have a proper conversation which is in anyway challenging I get a passive aggressive response- I won't be spoken to for quite a while. if I try to take the initiative and say lets have a night out without the kids he doesn't partucularly want to. if I achieve something at work he's not really interested. I have an ongoing health issue at present which requires regular gp review hes not even asked if im okSad

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PinkBerryGuy · 28/10/2013 11:11

seems you have a choice then.
stay with him and it never improve because you can't talk to him. if nothing changes how will you feel in 5 years? 2 years? 6 months? what if, after spending the next 3 years with him he decides to up and leave?

Or leave him now. would that be better? can you make that break? would DD be better if you left now?

unfotunately only you can answer those questions.

Squitten · 28/10/2013 11:15

WHY are you putting up with him? He's a crappy partner to you and a terrible father-figure to your DD. Surely the poor little mite has had enough of being rejected by the men in her life?

Are you that afraid to be on your own that you would rather this be her life?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/10/2013 11:17

He's a bully. Lots of emotionally abusive red flags in that little list. When you're at the stage that you can't talk to your partner about something as everyday as looking after his de facto step-daughter, then there is something seriously wrong in the relationship.

When you're a lone parent (and I am one myself) I think 'child as partner' is something that evolves out of necessity. They're not really your partner but they have to grow up a bit quicker, help you out more... so it can end up being more equal, like a team, than other models of parent/child. It's a very inadequate and nasty man that sees it as a threat.

tallwivglasses · 28/10/2013 11:22

It looks to me that you're a convenience to him. He's mean to you and dd but I bet you make life easier for him in a lot of ways. Stop it.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 · 28/10/2013 11:24

Some wise Mn'er wrote (it may have been you Cogito) -
You never truly feel lonliness until you feel lonely in a relationship
or something like that. Anyway, never have I read a statement more true.

Sounds like an awful situation and I feel sorry for both you and your Dd and I'm not surprised you are thinking about leaving.
He sounds like an arsehole, sorry but it's true.
The 'something' that you're looking for does exist, believe me it does. There's many good men out there who would accept take responsibility for your dd and love her in an adult respectful manner and not make her feel unwanted, disliked and unloved.
I fail to even imagine how he can live with his himself or justify his behaviour towards your Dd :(

overmydeadbody · 28/10/2013 12:56

I really hope you find the courage to leave this man, he is bringing nothing to your life or your DD's life.

There are plenty of decent men out there, and you know what, even if you never meet them, you will be better off on your own than staying with this man.

Don't waste another six years with him, or even six months. You do not need him, you do not need any man in your life. You and your DD will be much happier without him there.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 13:53

thankyou all. I'm feeling very low trying to work out what to do. I had hoped things would improve but they are just not. I can support us no problem and my dd is a fabulous girl. together we are a strong unit. the thought of starting again though feels overwhelming. I think im a strong woman but I am twice divorced, twice I have built a new life but the thought of doing it again fills me with dread. its the animosity and upset which I hate.

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chemicalsister · 28/10/2013 14:05

It is interesting that he says she is in the partner role because I believe this is due to him not accepting her as a full child of your family together. It may be too late but in these situations the more he strives to treat all yr children the same the more she can have her normal role in the family as a child and you and him can have a genuine partner ship relationship with the two adults .
I hope it helps.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 18:27

I think its too late.

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bongobaby · 28/10/2013 20:28

My exp was very negative towards my ds and myself. Boardering on being really nasty. He was EA to me and would say to me that ds was not allowed into my bedroom in the mornings and that he should knock and wait or go downstairs. He wasn't allowed to speak whilst he was watching TV or eat loudly because if he did he said me and you are gonna fall out!! he even told me to stop kissing him, why are you kissing him all the time? This in my own home and he didn't live with us, occasionally stayed over.
My ds and I were fine before and like you a team/tight unit.
Please don't let this man change things between you and your dd relationship as it is worth far more than him.

Tulip26 · 28/10/2013 20:58

It sounds to me like he habours jealousy towards your DD. She was there first, she's the most important thing in your life. How is she going to grow up viewing men if you let this relationship continue?

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 28/10/2013 21:08

bongobaby some of that sounds familiar. daughter and I are very loving and he does occassionally comment on it. thats not negotiable though. I love her to bits and its important to me that she is in no doubt about this. I think there is an element of jealousy and unrealistic expectations. he isnt a full time dad as I am a full time mum. our kids are also very different. mine noisy his extra quiet.

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