I need to get over a recent relationship and would be really grateful for any advice. It's really knocked my self-confidence. I was only with this man for five months, and the first couple of months were amazing. He was kind, loving, considerate and attentive, and we were in constant contact, on the phone for hours almost every day and spent every weekend together. I had a really rough time in an abusive relationship 15 years ago and I opened up to him and trusted him with stuff that I hadn't told anyone before. He was amazing and made me feel accepted and safe.
He'd also had a difficult time in his marriage, that had recently ended, due to his wife's affairs, deceit and emotional abuse. He opened up to me a lot about how he had been treated as well, and we talked a lot about our experiences and what we believed good relationships should be like, agreeing to treat each other with respect, kindness, honesty and consideration. It wasn't all heavy emotional stuff though, we had a great deal of fun and laughter too and interesting days and nights out.
There was one thing that came up early on – something that he was interested in pursuing in a relationship. I said I really wasn't sure about that and would need to work out how I felt about it. He didn't express any doubts about being with me at this point and carried on as enthusiastically as before, and so I assumed it couldn't be a deal-breaker and that he wanted to be with me either way.
After about two and a half months I became uneasy about the thing he'd expressed an interest in, and asked him outright whether he'd still want to be with me if I decided I couldn't do it. I was hoping for reassurance. He wouldn't give me a straight answer and talked me round in circles, using all kinds of evasion/diversion tactics, trying to persuade me that I didn't understand what I was asking, trying to change the subject, misunderstanding the question and giving me an answer relating to something completely different, stepping back from what I was asking and insisting that we talk about how we were communicating instead, and denying throughout that he was being evasive, telling me he couldn't give me any answer because I was hoping for a particular answer and that was wrong of me. The more upset I got (and I wasn't shouting and ranting, just crying and pleading with him to answer the question) the more he withdrew, until he 'couldn't' speak. Then he imposed a break from the subject and refused to discuss it again until we'd had endless discussions on how to communicate. He never did give me a straight answer and this left me feeling very insecure and stressed.
This set the tone for the rest of our relationship. Apparently I was not allowed to show too much emotion as this put pressure on him. I should only ask questions 'without expectation' ie. I was not allowed to show while asking a question what my preferred answer would be (as this would be emotional blackmail), but at the same time had to be completely open and honest about my feelings at all times. If I showed affection or did something nice for him, he had to be convinced (and I'm not sure how) that I didn't have 'ulterior motives' about wanting him to say or do something nice back, because that would be dishonest. But I had to be nice to him regardless of how he was treating me, otherwise that would be manipulative. And if he wasn't nice to me, it was my own fault for wanting him to be and therefore putting him under 'duress'. There was a whole load of sometimes complicated stuff along those lines. He didn't criticise me in an angry way, more with the implication that I was making him suffer and that he was helping me work on myself.
All this was in the name of 'how to treat each other well'. And shamefully, I took it on board, believing that I was at fault, and spent the next few months trying harder and harder to please him. When I told him he was making me feel upset and insecure, he told me that he wasn't making me feel anything, that my feelings were my own and my insecurity was all down to the abuse I'd suffered in the past, and encouraged me to get counselling, which I did. He actually made me feel that the legacy of the abuse was far deeper than I'd ever realised; whereas before I felt proud to have survived and made my life better, now I felt scared that I was so damaged that I couldn't even see it. When he said all these things to me, he never sounded at all spiteful or uncaring. He sounded as though he was genuinely trying to help me and doing it all for my own good. And there were wonderful times too in the middle of all this. I was on a rollercoaster of elation and despair.
I should have walked away when all that began. I don't understand why I didn't, why I believed him, made excuses for him, doubted myself, and got drawn deeper and deeper into this weird dynamic. I eventually realised things were seriously wrong when he accused me of 'inconsistency' and refused to speak to me for hours because I had changed my mind about wanting to go and have a cigarette, and then criticised me for appearing to be walking on eggshells. He behaved as though my actions had hurt him terribly.
I confronted him with it all, and he admitted to it all, but said that he had done nothing wrong and that it was because he was afraid of losing me. We split up.
I know it was only a short relationship but it's seriously rattled me – I find it hard not to keep second-guessing myself and examining myself for ulterior motives when I'm nice to people, and I find it hard to talk about this because I feel it makes me sound as though I must have been demanding, high-maintenance, manipulative and dishonest for my ex to have been like that, and I'm none of those things. I worry that people I talk to are thinking badly of me and that I'm in the wrong without even realising. I'm feeling like my emotions about the abuse in the past have resurfaced. My relationship with the counsellor also broke down, because I tried to explain to her that I'd started counselling on entirely the wrong basis, at the instigation of my ex, and that I felt I needed the counselling to help me with getting over the relationship now instead, but it all seemed so complicated to explain and she said things like 'But you seemed so happy'. I asked her for validation that this relationship had been emotionally abusive, and she said she could not pass judgement on that. Can anyone here confirm that this was emotional abuse? (I'm waiting to see a different counsellor now, possibly for CBT.)
I'd thought that I was stronger than this and that I had better self-esteem than to allow myself to be treated that way. I'm 38, hold down a demanding and worthwhile job, have some good friends and family. I don't know how I allowed this to happen. It's over two months now since we split up. Someone I really liked asked me out the other week and I accepted but then got too frightened to go and had to cancel. I didn't drink for a long time after overdoing it in the past, but have got drunk several times in the last two months, and then I get even more anxious the next day. I know I didn't deserve to be treated like that, but then part of me keeps thinking 'What if I'm wrong? What if I am the problem?' I know I need to get out and do things and see people to take my mind off all this, but I feel too anxious a lot of the time. I don't feel depressed, but feel scared and slightly out of touch with reality.
It's shaken my whole sense of self, and all this over a five month relationship with someone I don't even miss any more. I feel pathetic. Please, can someone help? I know some people have far worse problems, plus I'm not even a mum, but I've seen some brilliant advice here. Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to read all this.