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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This awful mistake is going to follow me round forever!

41 replies

SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 20:30

About 4 years ago I was seeing a guy......he was engaged. Really stupid mistake on my part and one that I have regretted since. When I found out his gf was pregnant I ended it and we didn't see one another again.

I have just started dating a guy who I really like but I have just found out his step sister is the guys wife I was sleeping with.

I feel awful. I thought it was all behind me. I know what I did was wrong but I was in a really bad place at the time.

I don't know if I should just end it with him now or try and see how things go and say nothing...

OP posts:
Original poster
SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 20:57

anyone?

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 25/10/2013 21:00

Does thw wife know about you? Are you partner and the wife close?

It was 4 yrs ago, quite a while but really depends on whether the wife knew.

magicscares · 25/10/2013 21:02

This could get very messy... I don't see how you will be able to make this work tbh. Do you really like the guy?

BigOrangePumpkin · 25/10/2013 21:07

Don't say nothing, you will always be on edge wondering if he'll find out, and these things usually have a habit of coming out anyway. I'd tell him. Be honest about what happened and why, but don't try to paint yourself as a blameless victim. By that I mean tell him you were in a really bad place, but that you know it doesn't excuse it and you shouldn't have done it. If he likes you enough he can see past it, if he doesn't then at least it's early days and better than him finding out in five years time and dumping you then.

something2say · 25/10/2013 21:20

If you tell him, he then bears that secret. What if the man didnt tell his wife? You then leave the date I a very compromised position.

I'd stop dating him and end it. Save it all coming out. How can it ever end well?

Geckos48 · 25/10/2013 21:22

It depends on how much you like him really.

I can't see why you would need to give up a chance of a great relationship based upon a mistake years ago.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2013 21:23

You've only just started dating. Presumably this only becomes an issue if you get to know him well enough to be introduced to the rest of the family. How much time does he spend with his step-sister and DH? If the DH in question did meet you, what would realistically happen? Rip each other's clothes off for old times' sake or a few sheepish looks?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/10/2013 21:25

BTW... if you're in a very small town with so few families to date that you're starting to trip over old flames, maybe it's time to move?

Ra88 · 25/10/2013 21:26

For everyone's sake I would have to end it

cloudskitchen · 25/10/2013 22:13

Sounds like it could get very complicated. I know that's not really helpful but I think I might walk away. .

lunar1 · 25/10/2013 22:16

I would end it. It could just get too messy.

TwerkingNineToFive · 25/10/2013 22:19

I'd end it, I hate this kind of drama.

PrincessKitKat · 25/10/2013 22:25

I couldn't keep seeing him.

It could potentially cause a massive rift in his family (if it all came out and he chose you over his DSS etc) & how vile would Christmas/ weddings etc be, whether she knows or not.

Too much potential for hurt & drama for me... But some people love that sort of excitement!

Original poster
SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 23:01

The step sister and her husband have moved away so they are only in the city I live in on the odd occasion.

I think I probably need to end it. I'm just utterly gutted that it's because of this. I was a complete mess back then. I had just left my abusive ex and was crippled with pnd. I feel like I have paid for it over and over with the guilt....and it had other consequences.
He walked away from it and carried on with life. It has had very few repercussions for him as far as I'm aware. I have bumped into him once or twice since and it has never been awkward. We were both polite to one another....exchanged the polite pleasantries you would with someone you hadn't seen in a while and went our separate ways.
The excitement of this situation has no appeal to me. I just really liked the guy and thought that maybe what we had was going somewhere.
He hasn't txt me back for a few hours now so I'm wondering if perhaps the family did know.

I'm literally crushed by this discovery. I don't want anyone else to get sucked into this pitiful mess. I hate myself for it.

OP posts:
JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 25/10/2013 23:05

I would tell him. At least that way if he's a decent guy and you both really like each other then you'll possibly have a chance. If you just dump him there is no chance at all. Better than nothing?

PeppiNephrine · 25/10/2013 23:05

its only a stepsister, not an actual relation, its not like you're likely to see her much.

Original poster
SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 23:25

So do you think I should come clean to him and let him make a decision?

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/10/2013 23:30

I'd think so, at least it's better than just leaving.

You weren't the one who was engaged at the time. It's his step-sister's husband who should really be worried, IMO.

thecatfromjapan · 25/10/2013 23:31

Why are you punishing yourself so much about this? We all go through times where we are not completely happy and perhaps not completely in control. You seem to hate yourself for having been in that position, and to be keen to blame both you-then and you-now for a time when you were psychologically vulnerable. It's not a crime to not feel psychologically strong.

I think I'm more concerned about why you are so keen to self-punish. As for what you might do, now, about this relationship, Cogito is often very sensible.

Original poster
SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 23:39

I don't know. I know he is responsible as much for this as I am....if so a little more but I should have just said no. He could have slept with someone else and messed their life up.
I don't like myself much at the best of times but I hate what I was back then. I'm ashamed of some of the things I did.

OP posts:
BrianTheMole · 25/10/2013 23:42

I don't think you have to walk away, unless you want to. But I would come clean and say what you have here.

thecatfromjapan · 25/10/2013 23:46

Time to let it go, you know. It;s clouding how you act in the present - and that's not helpful.

Think about what advice you'd give to your daughter (assuming you have one) if it were her. You'd be telling her to cut herself some slack, wouldn't you? well, be a parent to yourself. If you can't think of any other good reason to forget all this stuff - after learning all you can from it - bear in mind that our children learn all sorts of lessons from us - not all of them the ones we tell them - some are the ones we show them, by the way we act. So I think we all need to teach our children it is good to show ourselves a little love and forgiveness. You don't have to be perfect to be loved.

PrincessKitKat · 25/10/2013 23:49

You really shouldn't hate yourself Pug.

You made a mistake but you did what you could to make it right as soon as you came to your senses. If anything I'd try to feel sorry for the hurt, confused person you were & take comfort that you're not them anymore. What would you say to a friend who'd made the same mistake? I'm fairly sure you wouldn't tell them to keep beating themselves up.

I do think if you carry on this relationship, it might keep bringing these feelings of guilt & worry to the surface each time his family is mentioned. What do you think? Could you deal with that or would it be asking too much?

gigglestar · 25/10/2013 23:50

i don't see why you should lose out on a potentially good relationship because of a previous fuck up. My advice...say nothing until you come across the ex (either in a photo or in person) and then feign shock/surprise and THEN tell new bf about it-stressing the bit where you left him. Whether you choose to admit to knowing he was engaged at the time or not is up to you. I don't see why it should turn into a huge mess - unless the ex wants to air his dirty laundry in public?

MaryPoppinsBag · 25/10/2013 23:53

Does the step sister know?

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