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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This awful mistake is going to follow me round forever!

41 replies

SmugAsAPug · 25/10/2013 20:30

About 4 years ago I was seeing a guy......he was engaged. Really stupid mistake on my part and one that I have regretted since. When I found out his gf was pregnant I ended it and we didn't see one another again.

I have just started dating a guy who I really like but I have just found out his step sister is the guys wife I was sleeping with.

I feel awful. I thought it was all behind me. I know what I did was wrong but I was in a really bad place at the time.

I don't know if I should just end it with him now or try and see how things go and say nothing...

OP posts:

Original poster

SmugAsAPug · 26/10/2013 00:06

I think she knew he was sleeping with someone.....just not who it was. I bumped into them together a while back and was polite. Asked how they were doing etc but escaped promptly. She was talking to me like anyone else would so I can only assume she didn't know about me. I felt like a bitch being all nice to her face knowing what I had done but it happened so long ago and I hope for their sake that he is behaving himself now. They seemed really happy and had a lovely family. He would be crazy to risk that.

If the truth comes out I will be honest. I don't deal with lying very well.

The new guy I'm dating added me on fb.....I asked him how he knew someone and this is how it all came to light. He hasn't replied since 8 and we were having a pretty back and forth convo up until that point. He may have just got distracted who knows.....just annoyed that this has cropped up.
Will just have to plod on. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I don't always understand why things happen but everything has a way of working itself right in the end.

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lunar1 · 26/10/2013 07:22

Lovely comment that she is only a step sister.

No she's not, she is a woman with a family whose shit of a husband cheated on her. She may or may not know about it, but all you know for sure it that they have moved on and are still together.

It's not nobel to say that if confronted you will be honest. All that does is put a ticking bomb in an innocent woman's life.

I think you need to move past this, you made a mistake and feel guilty. That's a normal reaction, and yes he could have cheated with anyone, but he didn't he cheated with you. Do the decent thing and walk away. You are not a victim his wife is.

MaryPoppinsBag · 26/10/2013 07:27

What a dilemma. Chances are the ex will not want his wife to find out as he has a lot to lose. So he would probably not say anything, and would be shitting himself that you will.
I wouldn't say anything. It might be good to unburden yourself but a lot of hurt could come out of it for the stepsister and her family.
Whether you just walk away from this or pursue a relationship with this man, I don't know. I think I'd run a mile.

Theironfistofarkus · 26/10/2013 07:47

Honestly, I think leaving your new BF would just be another way to beat yourself up about a long ago mistake that you have already been torturing yourself over for too long. Yes, you did something wrong but you recognise that and won't do it again. Time to let go of it now. Doesn't seem likely that anyone will tell stepsister so if you think the guy is worth it then I would carry on. I agree with the poster who said you should not tell your bf. telling him puts him in a terrible position and would just be an attempt at self protection.

EricLovesAnyFucker · 26/10/2013 08:04

You need to tell him. You can't carry on with him not knowing, and at least telling him gives the relationship a shot. He may end it but you'd be no worse off than you are now.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice · 26/10/2013 08:06

But if she doesn't tell the new boyfriend and he finds out later he'll feel betrayed. I don't think she has any choice.

I know that if i had been dating someone and it got serious . . . and then i later found out he had previously had an affair with my sil i would feel humiliated and lied to. I don't think i could get past it.

But if he knows from near the beginning its different.

It may be self protection but why shouldn't she protect herself? She likes this man and she wants to carry on dating him. Yes it might mean that at some point it all comes out and upsets his step-sister (its not going to be a complete surprise as she already knows he had an affair, just not who with), but why should op sacrifice a chance at happiness for herself.

JaceyBee · 26/10/2013 08:31

Is there any way you could speak to the husband, your 'ex' and find out exactly who knows what? My guess is no-one bar you two and I'd want to keep it that way. I'm sure he'd be mortified if it came out and has more of a reason to keep his mouth shut than you do. I think actually i would say nothing. No-one has a 'right to know' all of their new partners sexual history, it was 4 years ago ffs just put it behind you and see how it goes with this guy. It's not like you'll be hanging out with the other couple every weekend or anything, and if you do see them I'm sure you cope without it having to be a thing. Just don't fuck him again whatever you do!

ThePinkOcelot · 26/10/2013 10:02

Did the wife find out? I think that is the most important question. If she didn't, I really fail to see why you should end this relationship. I don't think I would even tell him tbh. Its not as if the other guy is going to come clean! It's in your past. I'm sure he will have things he's done. Good luck.

lunar1 · 26/10/2013 10:27

The thing is if she quietly contacts the om then she would be starting again with secrets and creeping around behind people's backs.

springylippy · 26/10/2013 13:10

Sweetie, you need to forgive yourself. You made a stupid mistake at a vulnerable time in your life. Time to move on and put it behind you now. You've learnt your lesson and it's time to let it go.

springylippy · 26/10/2013 13:11

That was a useless post, sorry. Its obviously come back to bite you in the bum so it's not as easy to put it behind you. But perhaps it's come back to bite the cheater's bum. He'll be bricking it when he finds out who you are.

ThePinkOcelot · 26/10/2013 13:33

I've been thinking about this. I really think you should let sleeping dogs lie. Stop beating yourself up and move on.

Viviennemary · 26/10/2013 13:43

If you like him I don't see why you should just finish it. Yes you made a mistake. I'd say nothing and play absolutely dumb. And stop beating yourself up over this. You did wrong and know you did and are sorry. Absolutely don't give this person up.

MrsSteptoe · 26/10/2013 14:08

It worries me a bit that you seem to be a bit stuck in self-loathing because of what you did (I certainly don't think you need to be, I think you should entirely forgive yourself, but we're not always rational about these things, are we!) - mixing that self-loathing with a complicated set of deceptions and skeletons in closets sounds like it will make you really miserable.

For me, I think it would be either explain to your current partner exactly what happened, so both of you can make a decision as to whether you have a basis for continuing your relationship, or end it without explanation if you don't want to burden him with a secret that he might prefer not to know.

Your current partner, no matter how decent a bloke he may be, just might have an issue with you and his step-sis's husband having bumped uglies in the past, and if it comes out in future, when both of you have more invested in the relationship, it could get terribly messy.

You may also find something out about your current partner from his response. You may find he responds in such a way as to show you that he isn't worth worrying about, or he might be really understanding. Who knows.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

IWishYouWould · 26/10/2013 14:55

I would think the decision needs yo based on how strongly you feel about your bf. If you feel this has the makings of a serious relationship, then you need to go in honestly and be open with him. It's up to him whether he feels he can carry on then. If however you are just having a good time, then perhaps walking away may be best and save heart ache if the family were to find out. That said looking at your feelings, let go. You know it was a mistake and we learn from them. Beating yourself up about the past isn't going to help you. It's also going to make it harder to genuinely enjoy other relationships. It says a lot about you and the person you are now, that you are willing to think about this situation and others feelings.

Original poster

SmugAsAPug · 28/10/2013 21:30

Just thought I would come back and update..... I was in total shock when I realised who he was related to and just couldnt think straight.

I'm going to carry on seeing him. It's early days and I don't know what the future holds with him. I enjoy his company and we do exciting things together. If things do start to get serious then I would consider telling him but for now I'm going to concentrate on having fun.

Thankyou for the advise. I was so upset the other day. I just want to forget all about that.....what I did was wrong but from what I can see the other guy is behaving himself now. I don't want to tear a family apart. I feel I deserve a second chance. I know what i did was an awful mistake so I guess the guy deserves the chance to make his life as it is now work. Hope that makes sense.

I really do appreciate everything everyone said though. I have thought long and hard about each comment.

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